To The Editors of TLS,
I read last week’s letter, “How Are Families Supposed To Afford Seminary?”, and nodded the whole way through. I have five daughters. Two are married, one is in sem right now, and two are still to go. So I know the math.
But I want to point out the line in that letter that I think is the real answer: “If a girl doesn’t go, people ask why.” The writer said he hears that as a shadchan. I hear it as a mother, every single time.
Let’s be honest. Most of us aren’t paying $35,000 because we’re sure our daughter needs that particular year of growth. Many girls do grow tremendously, and I’m not knocking that chas v’shalom. But a big part of the pressure is that “which sem?” has become a line on the shidduch résumé. And as long as it is, prices will keep climbing, because the schools know we can’t say no.
We can change this, and it doesn’t take a takanah. It takes the people asking the questions.
To mothers of boys: when a name is redt, ask about the girl. Her middos, her family, how she treats people. Not just where she went.
To shadchanim: stop leading with the seminary. Lead with the person.
To parents of girls: if a seminary in Lakewood, a shorter program, or a year of working and learning is the right choice for your daughter and your bank account, make it with your head held high.
If enough of us stop treating the seminary name as a requirement, it will stop being one. And then maybe the price will follow.
With hope,
A Mother of Five Daughters
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Going to seminary says nothing about the midos of a person. You are not marrying based on seminary. If you do, you will end up in a statistic , no one wants to be part of.
So I’m a mother of 5 daughters kah but they’re all married bh. We only sent to sems that would give us a discount. Today a discount doesn’t get you too far it’s probably still 25k. Do the math sem schooling and a wedding even with 1 or 2 daughters how is this supposed to happen? Now they posted the sems are raiding their prices. Like how hi??? What do the Israelis think the $$$ grows on trees in America? Girls are pushing through HS in order to get into a good sem. So what are we going to tell them it was all for nothing? The local sems are not for everyone. Are we supposed to send the girls oit to work? Some are graduating at 17 1/2 IMHO that’s a bit young to go to work and be oit in the world.
Principals and parents need to stand together and tell the sem owners and principals/directors we will not send our girls if you raise the prices. Rabbanim have to get involved.
I know someone that sent their daughter to seminary because the Rav told them that she has a better chance to get married if she goes.
Oy vey. But i believe it.
So much is broken in this silly system. Everyone’s afraid to put a stop to this glaringly obvious financial pressure.
Totally agree
especially by ashkenaz pp it’s a must , even during covid ! U guys need to change that pressure
1,000,000 correct and to the point.
The seminary is a hoax.
Seminary is not a guarantee to a shidduch or anything else in life.
Been there, done that.
Have 4 girls, some went, some didn’t.
We need to stop feeding this insanity.
Rather give it to the couple so they can have an easier time to support a family.
Highway robbery under the guise of daas toirah!
Thats not what the eibishter wanrs.
Nowhere in the taryag mitzvos, probebly a laav ושמרתם מאוד לנפשותיכם
I love this thought process. It has come to a point to call this out! But easier said than done. It will take a large chunk of the type of people whom others look up to, to make a move. Plus a practical solution for 13th grade. A thousand girls leave high school and what will they do next? In some overseas schools they have voluntary trade school to learn accounting, interior design, business, etc. An infrastructure is needed locally to support this first. Or do you think free for all 13th grade? Free to work, free to take on line courses, free to start a business, free to roam the clothing shops, etc?
When did we go nuts? Which daf yomi speaks anout sem? Resumes? How many years to give $$upport. Freezers. What’s going on?
Agree And it goes both ways.
To mothers of the girls: when a name is redt, ask about the boy. His middos ,his family ,how he treats people. not just where he went.
To shadchanim: stop leading with the yeshiva, lead with the person.
The girls should be attending the home seminary spearheaded by the momma and perhaps grandmama! Just think of all that floose that’s being saved that could be used for investments, down payment on house & a wedding, one day, Biezrat Hashem. Don’t worry about what the Blabsteins will think & say, lol 😆 😂!.