[Reposted Upon Request] Yom Tov often has the joy of bringing together family and friends. It’s a time when neighbors often spend extra time shmoozing and men catch up on the latest after shul.

Watch out though! Your simple innocent comment may slice a hole in someone’s heart. I put out a questionnaire asking people to share some of the most painful comments and questions they’ve gotten over Yom Tov. The results were eye opening. Responses from various stages of life came in with some being more obviously off colored than others.

Below are real comments and questions that came in that left people wishing they could be anywhere but right there. It could have been me or you on either end of the discussion… hopefully this will help us all become aware of what not to say:

• I have a newlywed child, she is going through a really rough shana rishona (first year of marriage). I keep being asked “How’s the new couple????” and I feel a stab in my heart. I know it’s a normal question to ask but people need to realize that sometimes this can be a painful question if things aren’t going so well.
• Growing up, I rarely got new clothing for Yom Tov from stores

My clothes came from a gemach because my parents could not afford the cost of new shabbos outfits. I dreaded the Yom Tov question of “Where did you get your dress from” when we would get together with cousins and friends. There was No Way I was going to answer that question.

• I have a relative with a high functioning special needs child. Unfortunately so many people make comments and jokes about this child, some not even realizing he is on the spectrum. It’s caused so much pain in the family. Whether people People need to think twice before they make mean comments about someone’s child, relatives included.
• I don’t go to my parents for Yom Tov. It really hurts me when people ask why. Obviously if I’m not going there’s a reason and it’s probably painful. If I want to share the “why” then I will be the one to bring it up. Don’t ask me.
• I find it hurtful when we all sit together to shmooze and nobody really cares what anyone else has to say. They just talk right over me (and each other) and only want to hear themselves talk. It’s really not nice. It’s like I’m not worthy of being heard.
• I was in middle of an awful miscarriage and people didn’tknow I was expecting. We were working out where we would stay for a simcha and I was told that the places nearby were all reserved for pregnant guests that needed to be closer by. It definitely didn’t feel good to hear that. Keep that in mind when putting up family for Yom Tov.
• I’m currently a stay at home mother. The Yom Tov shmooze often turns to conversations about work. I find it uncomfortable when I’m asked when I’m going to go back and work. I know people don’t know it’s a sensitive topic for me so I’m sharing the awareness.
• I struggle with infertility. Believe it or not it affects so many areas of my life. It’s painful watching everyone move on and having kids while you’re stuck behind. It’s financially draining, effects your emotional well being, sends you at crazy hours to deal with medical stuff etc. Please be sensitive around us! Yom Tov is especially hard and we stopped going to family for Yom Tov because of all the pain it causes. But people want to know why I am staying home for Yom tov and I wish people wouldn’t ask that.
• I find it uncomfortable when people look at me and gush “You look amaaaaaazing!” With all the drama. (Did I not look great before? Why all the insincerity in the tone too?)
• I’m what you would probably consider “off the derech”. In other words I’m not so frum anymore as I struggle a lot with some of the mitzvos and society pressure. I really hate going home for Yom tov. The comments and the questions everyone brings up make me feel like a nebuch case. I’m not interested. I always struggled with religion. Asking me why I can’t just be normal or why I need to be an embarrassment to the family is not going to make me want to be more frum.
• I am married for quite a few years and we weren’t zocheh to have kids yet. Don’t ask me if I am pregnant. And please stop looking at my stomach every time you see me. I see where your eyes go! You have no idea how hurtful it is!
• We are struggling financially. I feel sad when the conversation turns all about the fancy and brand name clothing everyone got themselves their kids etc. I also feel bad when they brag about the expensive foods and meats they made. I hope they don’t ask me what I bought or what I made.
• I’m working in a very stressful and difficult work situation. Yom tov is finally a break from it all. When the shmooze turns to “how’s my job doing” I don’t even want to think about it. Aside from the stress, it will turn into Lashon Hara, and I have no idea what I am allowed to say!
• I’m an alienated parent. That means that my ex-spouse has completely cut off contact from my children with me and tells them horrible lies about me. I haven’t seen my children in years yet some of my family members are very insensitive about the situation. They cause me a tremendous amount of pain.
• My son is clearly on his way off the derech. Please don’t ask me what yeshiva he is in. It’s not a topic I want to discuss with you and it is hurtful
• So many of us are struggling financially. Please keep the conversations away from money topics and definitely don’t ask me questions that involve spending on anything.
• Weight is always a sensitive topic for me. Please don’t bring it up. Don’t even tell me I lost weight or ask questions related to my weight or diet.
• “How much did you spend on your clothing/kids clothing?” Ouch. Maybe I couldn’t afford anything. It’s nobodies business.
• Don’t EVER ask me (or anyone) if I’m pregnant. I don’t care if you are my mother, my sister, my cousin, my friend, or my nosy neighbor. Just don’t. I know we all know this yet I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been asked. My belly pouch exists and there is no baby in there… and it’s so wrong. And stop asking the others (mom included) if I’m pregnant either!
• I just had a miscarriage. Im extremely sensitive to baby talk now and all the stroller talk and baby stretchie discussions are hard for me to sit through. If you know I had one, please be sensitive and don’t keep the table topic focused on babies.
• I’m divorced. The details are really not for family discussion. Or for neighbors. Feel free to offer a helping hand but please be sensitive.
• I want to hide every time my sister-in-laws sit and talk about the clothing they got their kids and from which stores. I can’t afford to shop in all the stores around town.
• I’m single and usually spend Yom tov with people that don’t know my family situation. I wish they wouldn’t ask me questions about my family and why I’m not there. I don’t like discussing it!
• I got a new piece of jewelry for myself for a few dollars because we can’t afford the “real stuff”. Boy did I feel stupid when someone asked me if it was real! I’m sure they meant it as a compliment but now that I shared that it was fake I lost all enjoyment over it. Better not to ask this question and just tell someone it’s beautiful!
• It actually hurts me when people tell me “Wow you lost weight! You look so good”. (A lot of people sent this in! When we comment on someone losing weight we are pointing out that they used to be heavy. We can however in a sincere way tell someone they look beautiful.)
• While painful questions may hurt, I find it painful when people stop talking when I walk in the room. If it’s a conversation I’m clearly sensitive too, be cool about it and change the topic without me feeling dumb.
• I have a sibling that isn’t living at home and is struggling with life/yiddishkeit. Please don’t ask me questions. You know the person isn’t at home. Asking me is painful. If I want to be the one to talk about it I will bring it up.
• My husband struggles a lot especially with time and getting up in the morning. If you see he didn’t go to shul, don’t ask where he davened. (Especially family that is there and sees he didn’t go). Don’t ask me why he didn’t go to shul either. It is hurtful and difficult for me as it is and it’s really his own struggle between him and Hashem. You can offer to take my kids to shul though!
• I am an older single. I know people mean well, but every time you say “Im Yirtzeh Hashem by you” to me it really hurts! I also find it hurtful when everyone gives me their advice on all the things I have to do or stop doing as a zechus to find my bashert. Please let me enjoy Yom tov and simchas without you constantly reminding me that I am single.
• I have health issues and people know I wasn’t well. Please don’t ask me details. It’s really nobodies business!
• I have a child that is really struggling with life and the torah derech. Please don’t ask me questions about her like where she is and how she is doing.
• I am divorced. I really find it hurtful when people want to know about custody and visitation etc. And when they need to know details. Like “what happened”?
• “Are you working”? While well meaning I am sure, this is not a good question and definitely not something I want to focus on over Yom Tov.
• “What is your husband doing now”? He lost his job and is unemployed and no I don’t want to answer that question. Especially to family members. If you know about it, then don’t ask what is he doing all day. Feel free to find him a job after Yom tov that is appropriate and respectful for him.
• Can you please NOT ask me how much I pay rent or mortgage. That’s a personal question.
• Bleeding and medical related questions especially post birth or post procedure are nobody else’s business. I’ll leave it at that.
• People mean well but when they tell me that This is the year I will get married I wish they would just be quiet. Are they a Navi? I’ve been hearing it for over a decade.
• I wish people wouldn’t ask me how I’m fasting. I’m not fasting due to illness and I don’t want to tell them that.
• I lost my mother and I don’t go to her anymore for Yom tov. It’s so hard for me when people ask me where I am going for Yom tov. I know it is normal to ask but remember that a lot of people don’t have where to go and can’t afford hotels.
• My child is in a school for special needs. I get really uncomfortable when people ask me where I send to school.
• Don’t ask people when they are due. Maybe they aren’t pregnant. Maybe they’re in recovery or just had a miscarriage.
• I only have one kid. Avoid asking people how many kids they has and don’t ask when they’re having another one or why they only have one! How many kids someone has is never a good conversation piece.
• Whether I vaccinated for covid or not is not anyone’s business. I rather you don’t ask me that. I know it can be a hit topic when everyone gets together.
• I am not so “geshikt” It makes me uncomfortable when neighbors and siblings are all bragging about how organized, stocked up, and fancy they are with their Yom Tov meals.
• My son has a haircut even though he isn’t three. We don’t do upshern. Please don’t make me feel like we are weird that it’s not our minhag.
• “Where did you get your daughter’s dress?” Um. Gulp. It was a hand me down.
• I am struggling with a difficult issue right now. Every time family members decide to bring up the topic to me as if it magically resolved itself I feel a stab in my heart. I daven for a yeahuah but I wish they’d all stop bringing it up and just help me however they can be helpful without mentioning and asking questions.

But How Can We Know What Everyone Is Struggling With?

We can’t. While some topics should be avoided, we must remember that many people don’t know the struggles of the people that they are talking to. Even close relatives.

They also may not be aware that a regular conversation piece is a sensitive topic for this particular individual.

I will never forget the time many years ago when I was having a discussion with someone about “fathers” having no idea that this person had lost her father until she decided to inform me mid-conversation. I felt horrible. Had I been paying attention to her body language and discomfort as I spoke I would have realized she looked uncomfortable and steered the conversation in a new direction.

Many of the comments sent in were really pareve conversation pieces. But in a sensitive situation it was painful.

That’s why it is important to not just talk our talk but look at the body language of the people we are speaking to at the same time. Do they seem uncomfortable? Are they getting fidgety? Cheeks slightly red? Looking at their watch? Pulling on strands of their hair? Looking towards the door, looking down, biting lips, or clenching their jaw?

What Should I do if the Conversation is Uncomfortable for Me?

If we are the ones that are uncomfortable, we don’t need to hide it! We should give off the vibe to let the speaker know we don’t like where this is going and we can help them change the topic or excuse ourselves.. It may be helpful to come up with some pre-planned short responses or to know that you’re allowed to say “I’d rather not discuss/answer this” and change the topic.

Yes, it will probably be awkward for a second or two but the message will be sent and the topic can be changed. I find this works best with a smile along with the firm boundary.

When In Doubt Leave It Out

Hopefully we all learned a thing or two about being more sensitive to others and building our own strength from within.

Remember- a conversation starter may in fact be a conversation “killer”!

The weather, as we know, is usually a safe thing to discuss. Unless someone just lost their house to a hurricane…

Good Yom Tov to all however and wherever you are spending it.

This awareness campaign was presented by @TheRealDealDev