Yup. It’s that time of year again, though quite hard to believe. It is only days till school starts and it is beginning to have its effect in the home. It wasn’t always like that, though. Before Shloime became school age, the older kids looked forward to rejoining their school friends and sharing their camp experiences. They speculated which Rebbe and teacher they might have and which classroom they’ll be in. The atmosphere was fun and exciting.

But Shloime is a completely different story. Weeks before school starts he turns into a monster. His fuse becomes frayed, he explodes at the most trivial incident, his tolerance level is near zero, he refuses to eat or go to sleep, he becomes extremely demanding and everyone in the family knows to “stay away.”

Transitioning is hard for Shloime and although he does not understand what is happening to him as outsiders we may have begun to notice this pattern. Perhaps you have a Shloime in your home. Maybe your Shloime turns your family upside down and causes distress and confusion.

You are not alone. There are lots of Shloimes out there. What can you do to properly prepare your Shloime for the transition? And in general, how can you prepare your Shloime to tolerate transitions?

Here are a few ideas and tips:

1)      Self-awareness– Help your child become aware that he is acting differently than he usually does.  Avoid interpreting why he is acting differently or accusing him of it; simply observe what you notice.  Self awareness helps convey to a child how he differs from other people and where his limitations are.  It teaches him which situations to avoid and how he might need to develop certain skills which are unique to his needs.

“Shloime, I notice that your fuse seems really short these last few days.”  Saying that in a factual, non-confrontational fashion helps a child to become aware of his behaviors.  It also invites him to talk about the feelings that are causing those behaviors if he is ready.

2)      Discuss it- Parents often avoid discussing topics which will raise discomfort or bring up something painful because they are not sure how to address the discomfort when it comes up.  So, for instance, if Shloime says, “I hate this years’ teacher, he is so unfair!” and the parents know that his accusations are accurate they might fall into a conflict.  Do they agree with the teacher (since that’s what they were told to do) or do they risk agreeing with the child in which case he might see that as validating him to act out?  Sweeping it under the rug can often pose the message that the complaint is not worthy of being addressed.  This can create the child to feel guilty.  Instead allow him to let loose.  Here are some good responses.

“I hate this years’ teacher, he is so unfair!”

“Is he?”  Then let him explain and say “Mmmm, sounds pretty unfair.”  This will help regulate your child’s emotions.  Remember, when there is an emotion, we address the emotion first; we

do not solve the problem.  Giving logical solutions does not help when the child is experiencing fear; dealing with fear does.

“Fifth grade is so hard, and I will never be able to stay in yeshiva till 5:30!”

“Yeah, it really is pretty overwhelming to have to stay so long, isn’t it?  You had a hard time staying till 4:30 last year!”

Allowing the child to be afraid rather than trying to convince them not to be afraid actually helps them to cope with fear, which will ultimately help to reduce it.

3)      Initiate the fearful thoughts- Try to come up with as many fears and concerns that he might express.  Don’t be afraid that you might cause more fear.  “Shloime, do you think you’ll be nervous on the first few days that you’re going to miss the bus, since it will be a new driver?”  It is both relieving and validating for a child when someone states his fears for him.  It relieves a child who often is not aware of precisely what it is that he is afraid of.  It is validating for him to hear that his fear is legitimate.  After all, even you figured it out!  This in and of itself can solve half the problem.  Additionally, initiating the fear can prevent it from actually happening when the school year begins, so the more you tackle now the more suffering you spare when the transition occurs.

4)      Challenge him- Here’s an out-of-the box idea.  Suppose you know that your child will probably have a hard time controlling his hands from poking the next boy over during mincha.  More than once in the past the principal had asked him to leave the bais medrash.   Try challenging him by saying with a twinkle, “Shloime, I bet this year you’ll be asked to leave mincha a dozen times. I understand that you do it because it’s boring and you want some fun, so it’s worth it to take the risk of getting expelled.   I’m going to keep a calendar and you let me know when it happens.”  By challenging him that he can’t control himself, you will boost his desire to become more aware of his actions.  It creates an opposite resistance where the child wants to control himself.

5)      Problem solve– Once the emotions have been reduced and your child is calmer, move into problem solving.  Ask your child what would change the problem, and give him the opportunity to describe even illogical solutions.  We want Shloime to think.  To learn that he can solve problems, and to learn how to solve them.  You can coach him along the way or tweak some of the details of his solutions, but ultimately we want him to come up with solutions which are satisfactory in his view.

Moshe Norman, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Lakewood, NJ.  He can be reached at 732.979.1785, or at [email protected]