Someone told me this morning that his wife sleep-trains each of their children at around four or five months old.
I told him, “It’s unbelievable—but I don’t know if I could do it. How do you listen to your own baby cry and not pick them up?”
His answer struck me.
“You’re looking at it like you’re doing this so you can sleep better. You’re not. You’re doing it for the child. The child needs sleep. The child wants to sleep. They simply haven’t learned how yet.
So yes, for a few nights, it may feel painful. But you’re not ignoring their pain—you’re helping them learn something they need for their own good.”
And then he said something remarkable:
Maybe that’s how we need to look at what the Ribono Shel Olam sometimes puts us through.
When something hurts, we naturally ask: Why is Hashem doing this to me?
But Hashem needs nothing from us. Whatever He does is for us.
Sometimes the very nisayon that feels painful is exactly what we need to grow, to become stronger, or to reach the next place in life that we could never have reached without it.
We may be crying because we don’t understand.
But our Father does.
And sometimes, what feels like the pain is actually the help.
TLS welcomes your letters by submitting them to us via Whatsapp or via email [email protected]
Very profound!
The nimshal may be correct, but the mashal is terrible. Ask R. N Orloweck.
Who came up with this achzarius theory that the baby needs to learn to sleep ?!?! Maybe the baby needs more physical touch of the mother!!?!.
…and the you wonder why kids nowadays have emotional issues
Maybe this and maybe that. yet somehow you are able to draw a direct correlation to kids having emotional issues.
This is why parents get to make their own decisions for their own kids.
Re שפרה ופועה!!
Child, Baby Abuse!
it’s Not a “Maybe”. Speak to longtime Mechanchim like R N. Orloweck and he will tell you the detrimental effects of letting a baby cry to sleep
Ok WOAH! U absolutely cannot blame anything on if u wether or not u let a baby cry to sleep…come back when you’re a parent of 5 working 9-5 who’s sleeped deprived
Emotional issues because the mother doesn’t know how to detach from her baby who then grows up to have anxiety every time their mother leaves cuz she couldn’t put them down when they were a baby.
Emotional issues because the mother didn’t give enough of what Shifra and Puah gave.
Emotional issues because the mother or father didn’t solve their own emotional issues, and so came up with this achzarius theory with No Daas Torah
Neither of us get to turn a parenting opinion into Daas Torah. But at least I’m discussing the potential effect on the child while you’re diagnosing the parent
Hu? Read what u wrote! ” … the mother doesn’t know how to…” Quite a diagnosis of the parent !!
Exactly the opposite!
A child “grows up to have anxiety…” because they didn’t get enough physical and emotional connection BEFORE their mother left them alone.
These are wonderful things to SAY but they are not the reality for people who are suffering, especially those suffering for so long.
The family living with the loss of a loved one, certainly if the person who passed was young. Children who no longer have a parent. People for months (or longer) without a job. Someone with a debilitating illness. Parents with children who have strayed. Families struggling to put food on their table and pay their bills. These people don’t see what your saying at all.
People who are crying for more then just a “few nights” have no idea what you mean. Of course it’s easy to be the father who lets their kid cry a few nights to be sleep trained. Of course that short term pain (if you can even call it pain, I think it’s more discomfort then pain) is fine. It’s meaningless, short lived, will go away, and everything will be be just fine.
How about instead of all the metaphores and examples and yummy fuzzy warm letters and speeches of inspiration, we start to hear from our Rabbonim and read from our letter writers some practical applications. Instead of SAYING everything is for the good, how about we offer ways to actually help people who don’t know where to turn or what to do. Let’s post ideas and suggestions for those hurting on how they can or what they can do to help those with their difficult Nisyonos. They also believe in their hearts that all Hashem does is for the good, they don’t need the reminders. They just need the help dealing with it. Help learning how to feel Hashems love. Ideas to implement so they can feel happy and calm instead of scared and sad.
Motivation is beautiful but it doesn’t really help. Practical suggestions to apply helps.
Let’s HELP those people and not just try to inspire them with some fuzzy wuzzy inspiration
Well said!!! I also question the whole concept. HaShem can do anything; He could have created a world in which you don’t need “pain” to “grow”. Why did he make a world in which a person has to suffer to “grow”. ?
Go learn a few paragraphs of mesilas yeshorim and then maybe you’ll understand. He explains it very clearly….
I HAVE learned it; I don’t recall anything he writes that answers my question. Perhaps you can explain it to me; that is if you can condescend to speak to an ignoramus like myself.
Terrible! with no scientific, or Torah basis for this theory about a baby’s sleep.
אכזריות!!
Babies are not born needing to learn a skill. They are born needing to be taken care of.
The mother is overwhelmed and overworked keeping a job besides taking care of her children and her house
She does need to sleep.
So you come up with a theory that it’s good for the baby too !? P l e a s e !
If you need to sleep, don’t have a baby every year.
Or hire a baby nurse instead of spending money on vacations.
Wonderful bit of inspiration from a terrible source. I’m glad you found a profound understanding of life in your abuse of your children. We need to stop promoting dr Spock garbage. Your child needs your physical closeness and attention, just like Hashem gives you. Now go pick up your child and hold him tight. Let him know you love him. Now watch how fast he falls asleep. (Side note, this attitude shows up everywhere, for example, I know a wonderful mother who always had a tough time getting her kids to sleep, they always knew when she left the room. The father always was able to get the kids to sleep fairly quickly and easily, and they stayed asleep longer. (As infants, they woke less). The difference was that the mother gave off the feeling to her children that they needed to go to sleep so that she can have her own time, while the father was fully invested in being “asleep” with them. He gave the children the feel that there is absolutely nothing else he needs to do, and is only here for them. Your kids know what you feel.) Hatzlacha.
this is true, 100%. I can confirm this is the case. I learnt this with my own children. with my older ones, I’d be itching to move on with my night, and just get bedtime over with. With my younger ones, I realized that there is nothing more precious than spending quiet time with my child. Just enjoying every moment and their side, knowing that they will only be a child once, and I should focus on the wonderful gift I have. I have nothing more important to do with my night. I feel so much more relaxed, and there is no question they feel it.
The baby needs his/her mammy! Physical and emotional, Not to learn to sleep. Remember Shifra and Puah!!
I would assume there’s a reason Hashem made the stomach of a baby small, its not a mistake that a baby needs to eat often. Dont make it sound like its for the good of the baby… see R Matisyahu Solomon on this topic, its in one of his books… yes if you teach a baby that when they cry nobody comes to help them they will stop crying. Doesnt mean its good for them
Is this the same mother that ran to kol nidrei instead of taking care of her baby …?
The lesson is pretty Pashut. Everything for a reason, for our growth. But the Mashul is so triggering, not sure anyone will find this inspiring. Sleep training is so polarizing. Why use that as the Mashul?! Are we talking about totally ignoring the babies for 3 nights? I don’t think that’s mainstream at all. They do that in Europe and studies show it’s horrible for attachment. So for the sake of parents sleeping better, cruel to the baby? At their most vulnerable and important developmental stages? Alarming.
Most parent experts and Mechanchim say to do gradually. Let them cry a little extra and then go to them
‘Most parent experts.”..? lol did u take a poll? (And r they the experts that are sending every other kid in lkwd to a “therapist”? If there r good experts in lkwd, why are so many kids in therapy??)
What is the TORAH source for this theory that the your baby needs this ( to learn to sleep)???
Follow the advice of this article, and you’ll continue to see more and more child therapists in lkwd.
Adult therapists too, who are beating themselves up for not being able to feel the love through their yissurim. Moshe Rabbenu, Dovid, and Shlomo Hamelech couldn’t understand this, far better to acknowledge that it’s beyond us and life is just painful.
Rav Matisyahu Salomon says that you should not let a baby cry. It teaches them to feel abandoned. He says that if a baby feels like no one will help them when they’re sad, they will have a hard time trusting that Hashem can help them.
Interesting. Where does he say this?
I think it’s in one of the early chapters of With Hearts Full of Faith
He also writes that women should not go to work if they will feel like a rachmanus case when they get home
Aha. So maybe that’s why I’m a loh yutzlach in life. Yikes.
pll who are complaining about this letter perhaps don’t know what sleep training is…. It does not mean to dump your baby and forget about him/her all night. It simply helps their body regulate to a sleep schedule and it should be done with love not coldness like is implied by the anti comments. Similar to putting your 7 year old to sleep when they don’t want to.
Great point! My 200 pound 7 year old wants more and more candy! I must give it to him immediately or he’ll obviously develop emotional issues! Shifrah and Puah gave out tons of candy!
According to the letter, it involves leaving a 4-5 month old to cry until they fall asleep, for a few nights in a row.
What do you think happens at the babysitter with one lady watching 10 babies. She wants them all on the same schedule so she lets them all cry until they fall asleep. Then they finally come home and the parents are doing the same thing… what a cruel world the baby is born into. Will he ever feel safe?