As Yom Tov settles in and the shmoozing time is lengthened, we must keep in mind that we have to try our best not to cause pain to those that are struggling. (And to be honest, we all are struggling with something!)
Some tips to remember when you’re commenting or catching up with family, friends, neighbors, at shul, or in the park:
1. Do give compliments. But don’t turn them into interrogations. (“I love your necklace! Is it real???” Instead try “I love your necklace. It looks great on you”)
2. Do show people that you care about them or missed them but don’t delve into the “where”s and the “Why”s (“We missed you at the family reunion, where were you?” Instead try “We really missed you but we are glad we get to see you now!”)
3. Do try to think before you bring up conversations about kids, spouses, parents etc if the audience is known to be lacking any of the above. (“My kids can be so annoying” said to someone still without any for years. Instead try conversations that aren’t kid focused or tell them “my kidsnlove when you’re here!)
4. Do look out for body language if someone clearly isn’t appreciating the conversation and steer it in a new direction if the person looks uncomfortable.
5. Do remember that not everyone can afford the grandiose expenses that come with yom tov and not everyone has family to spend it with and try to keep clear of conversations that focus too much on these things.
6. Do remember that Yom Tov time is not an open ticket to yenta about everyone’s business and try to avoid or walk away from conversations that turn into a potential Lashon hara gathering.
7. Do share insights, tips, positivity, funny stories (as long as they’re not at anyone’ expense) and find ways to turn conversation into positive experiences that everyone can gain from!
Have a good yom tov!
RDD.
Great list!
Very nice ideas! TY
And of course, great for all times! It can go the other way around; a gevir appreciates a regular shalom aleichem too!
A useful tip is to make a note of things you’ve read or a story or idea you’ve heard. This way the conversation isn’t just about everyone’s lives (which often causes the above problems) but also about ideas outside of our personal lives. It uplifts the conversation, too.
This was very helpful. I spent Pesach with an Uncle I hadn’t seen in quite a while.
I was going to ask…..but didn’t:
How are you? (But perhaps he is sick)
How was your trip? (But perhaps he drives an old car that breaks down a lot)
How are the kids? (But perhaps he’s having difficulties with a child)
How’s school going? (But perhaps a child is not in school)
How is work? (But perhaps he doesn’t like his boss)
Where did you get that beautiful suit? (But perhaps someone donated it to him)
Do you like Shmoime’s Pizza? (But perhaps he’s lactose intolerant)
Did you buy a raffle ticket for the local Bais Yaakov? (But perhaps he has a gambling problem)
The best part was the shortening of the Seder to avoid uncomfortable situations.
I was about to read about ancestral idol worshipers (But perhaps that may embarrass him)
I skipped the 4 sons (as his may be a Rasha)
We skipped Ma Nishtana as perhaps he doesn’t know the answer & would be embarrassed.
Marror was skipped because years ago he owned a horseradish farm that closed down.
Not wanting to overstep any boundaries we nodded to each other a few times over Yom Tov & went our separate ways.
WOW I LOVE HOW YOU TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE THIS
its so important, to always be careful with what we say to each other