It is not only “problem kids” who are being rejected. I was recently asked to help a girl who applied to a seminary in Lakewood. She is a baalos middos with straight A’s in both limudei kodesh and chol. After a 2-minute meeting, they put her on a waiting list. Her principal was dumbfounded. Several people have tried to get her into the institution but to no avail. She was simply told she was not up to their standard. Even when openings became available – classmates were offered places that they turned down – they still did not accept her. No clear reason was given. Sometimes an institution will tell me that they have asked their Rav. All my years in teaching I could never find out who the “Rav” was. They rarely choose to divulge this information.
The gedolim can talk about the internet or the modesty of women but to speak against the yeshivos or Bais Yaakov is much more problematic. I have personally talked to many big rabbis who may agree with me but cannot speak out strongly because they or their wives teach in the schools. Rabbis are crying today about Ukrainian Jewish children urging the community to save them, and send them money. It is a beautiful thing to do. Let’s send all of them to Shuvu schools in Israel. I have not heard one rabbi say “let’s bring them to our school”.
Meanwhile, frum kids are forced to attend public schools and feel the pain of rejection. We should cry for these children and not stop asking ourselves, as Rabbi Herzog urged, what we can do for the Jewish people. Every day we say Torah tziva lanu Moshe morasha kehillas Yaakov. The Torah taught to us by Moshe Rabbeinu is a birthright, an inheritance for every Jew. It is not only for an elite few. If a child lacks skills to learn effectively, they must be taught to him or her. If a child lacks money, the community should be called upon to support him. There is a fascinating story in the gemara (Taanis 24b)
רַב אִיקְּלַע לְהָהוּא אַתְרָא, גְּזַר תַּעֲנִיתָא וְלָא אֲתָא מִיטְרָא. נְחֵית קַמֵּיהּ שְׁלִיחָא דְצִבּוּרָא, אֲמַר ״מַשִּׁיב הָרוּחַ״ וּנְשַׁב זִיקָא, אֲמַר ״מוֹרִיד הַגֶּשֶׁם״ וַאֲתָא
מִיטְרָא. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: מַאי עוֹבָדָךְ? אֲמַר לֵיהּ: מַיקְרֵי דַרְדְּקֵי אֲנָא, וּמַקְרֵינָא לִבְנֵי עַנְיֵי כִּבְנֵי עַתִּירֵי. וְכֹל דְּלָא אֶפְשָׁר לֵיהּ — לָא שָׁקֵלְינָא מִינֵּיהּ מִידֵּי. וְאִית לִי פִּירָא דִכְווֹרֵי, וְכׇל מַאן דְּפָשַׁע מְשַׁחֵידְנָא לֵיהּ מִינַּיְיהוּ, וּמְסַדְּרִינַן לֵיהּ וּמְפַיְּיסִינַן לֵיהּ עַד דְּאָתֵי וְקָרֵי.
Rav happened to come to a certain place where he decreed a fast but rain did not come. The shliach tzibbur descended to lead the service before Rav. When he said: He Who makes the wind blow, and the wind blew. He continued and said: And Who makes the rain fall, and the rain came. Rav said to him: What are your good deeds? He said to him: I am a teacher of children, and I teach the children of the poor as to the children of the rich, and if there is anyone who cannot pay, I do not take anything from him. And I have a fishpond, and any child who neglects his studies, I bribe him with the fish and calm him, and soothe him until he comes and reads.
If a child is not at the intellectual level to learn in an advanced way, he must be taught the Torah in a more straightforward way that he can grasp. But he must be taught. More importantly, every child needs to feel wanted, appreciated, and needed by the community, not rejected and expendable.
We must do everything in our power to keep Jewish kids in Jewish schools and give them a proper Jewish education so that no child will be left behind.
No Rosh Hayeshiva or Menahel should ever reject students when they are applying to their institution. It goes without saying nor to be expelled too.
As the gemara states clearly in (Sanhedrin 91b)אמר רב יהודה אמר רב כל
המונע הלכה מפי תלמיד כאילו גוזלו מנחלת אבותיו שנאמר (דברים לג, ד) תורה צוה לנו משה מורשה קהילת יעקב מורשה היא לכל ישראל מששת ימי בראשית
Rav Yehuda says that Rav says: Concerning anyone who withholds halacha from being studied by the mouth of a student who seeks to study Torah, it is as though he robs him of the inheritance of his ancestors, as it is stated: “Moses commanded us the Torah, an inheritance of the congregation of Jacob” (Devarim 33:4), indicating that the Torah is an inheritance for all of the Jewish people from the six days of Creation.
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Rabbi Abenson is the founder and director of ShaarHatalmud, a unique yeshivah-based online program, which incorporates learning all Kodesh subjects, from Kriah up to learning Gemara, Rishonim, and Shulchan Aruch. He also conducts evaluations, remediation, and training, and consults with school principals to improve students’ underdeveloped skills.
Many years ago when I was younger my family moved to lakewood, and after applying to 9 different schools, we were turned away from all of them. My sisters and I, we were good little girls, tznius and everything. Until one day some amazing Rabbi accepted us into his school. Right after he did, some other people threatened him to get us out. He left the school himself. I wish I could thank him for giving us the opportunity to feel accepted after 9 rejections, and I don’t know how someone was able to leave his position for us. Shortly after he left the person who took over the school kicked us out…. Now that I’m older I don’t know where to find that special rabbi to thank him.
One rebbi who was officially given a pink slip after many years on the job, due to what the higher ups explained was the need for fresh blood, told reporters, “It’s not just the talmidim and talmidos who are being rejected, it’s also veteran rebbes like me who are being showed the door.”
However, one higher-up, vehemently disputed the allegation.
“We never showed him the door!” the higher-up insisted. “We just gave him the pink slip, and he managed to find the door all by himself without any help.”
is there any homeschooling in Lakewood?
I’ve come to learn unfortunately that sometimes the rejections are based on Lashon hara, and even worse, complete motzi shem ra.
I have attempted to get kids into school that the hanhala “b’shum oifen” would accept at first without reason but when digging and the source was found, it was completely unfounded!!!
Just the other day a friend shared that several years ago when she was applying for high school she was not even given interviews. Even more so she couldn’t get into local camps! Eventually she was BH “forced in” somewhere and was sadly humiliated about it by some people in the school. Years later she found the source – an elementary school teacher that had made some completely outrageous assumptions about her family and stuck it to her name. They were so off and so wrong it was horrifying. The pain exists still today as a grown torahdik mother and I’m sure many can share the same story.
Words matter. Don’t spread assumptions or opinions about people, about families, even if you may have had a bad experience. Whether you’re a teacher, neighbor, relative. Words matter. Choose carefully.
Another point I will say, I was told by more than one hanhala member from different schools while trying to help some kids get in, that they can’t accept from certain families BECAUSE THEIR PARENT BODY will not allow it.
I’m NOT talking about bad influences here. I’m talking abt ppl that they felt are just “not our type” “slightly different” “out of the box” etc. And apparently the parent body whoever they may be in multiple schools are controlling the outcomes.
I guarantee you, that more than half of our rabbeim, moros, Rabbanim, roshei yeshivos, etc would NOT BE WHO THEY ARE today if this is the response given to their less than qualified families when they wanted to learn in yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs just a few decades ago.
I shudder thinking about what the world would look like had they been turned away for not being “the type”.
But oh, how quickly we forget.
Until our own kids get rejected.
Rejection hurts. And it’s part of life, not just the yeshiva world. Colleges, jobs, etc. We need to learn how to be ok when we are rejected (yes I got rejected from a top seminary and it sure did hurt especially because I was sure I’d be taken as an alumni child with good grades and studious etc… not sure why I was so sure back then). Rejection is part of learning acceptance and learning emunah.
But at the same time, those doing the rejections have to realize that when it comes to a place for children to learn torah we need to make exceptions and acceptions!
When it comes to a safe place to grow and build foundations for the future adults of klal yisroel, the doors need to stay open for not only the best and the most financially supportive.
If WE won’t take our children, then Who will?????? I’ll tell you who will. The ones that prey and the rejected souls. The ones that show them “see… your system doesn’t want you – come with us. We will show you the true love” and I’m watching as rejected children slip away from what could have been a beautiful Torah life.
I almost wish this reply would be an article In itself!
Open your eyes – dear hanhalos. You are amazing. You do a beautiful job with our children. But don’t think that after 120 it will be free from all the rejected lost and hurt kids.
May Hashem Open the pockets and coffers, space, and the hearts of the schools to make sure that NO kid is left behind.