Dear family/ friend-
In light of the Chanukah parties that are bound to happen this coming week many happy families will get together and catch up on all the family news and many friends will get together and catch up on old times. It’ll be so much fun for almost everyone. I say ALMOST everyone because there will be some family members and friends that feel so awkward and wish they weren’t there.
A -The ones that are in shidduchim, have been in shidduchim, and wish they no longer were in shidduchim, wish they could be there with husband and kids. They wish it wasn’t so lonely while everyone has someone to talk to but them. AND they wish you’d stop looking at them and saying, nebuch (but instead you would just start working on a non nebuch shidduch for them!!) Oh, and those comments that people make that make them wish the floor would open up and swallow them (“why do you have to be so picky??””C’mon, be more open minded, you’re getting older you gotta give in””Do you want to be single the rest of your life???”)
B -The ones that don’t have kids yet… and feel terrible when everyone goes on and on and on and on and on at these parties about their kids this and their kids that…. and the worst… the looks that they are given as people try to hide (unsuccessfully ) their gaze as they peek to see.
C -The ones that had financial loss or instability and may be putting on a nice big smile but feel terrible when family members ask how things are going and they say “great!” which really means we are in debt, business is failing, our electricity hopefully won’t get turned off etc etc etc but besides that we are really great!
D- All other situations……………
SO PLEASE, AS YOU MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE FAMILY AND FRIEND GATHERINGS THIS CHANUKAH— I’M BEGGING YOU TO PLEASE BE SENSITIVE (and not awkward) TO THOSE WHO ARE THERE CUZ THEY HAVE TO BE THERE AND MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE THEY WANT TO BE THERE!! (don’t make it over obvious please)
I’ve spoken to so many suffering people recently and they all feel the same. They hate the pressure, they hate the looks, they hate the awkward feelings and they hate the DUMB HURTFUL comments! And they do not want to get together with family which is pathetic because family is supposed to be the ones we turn to and look forward to reuniting with.
Lets make these parties fun for everyone!
point well taken thank you for your sesitivity
Then there are those get togethers where some people don’t really get along with other people there. But that’s life and family is family. Life is too short to sit around feeling sorry for yourself! If you don’t feel comfortable going to these family gatherings, then don’t. But don’t put a downer on the whole night by sitting in a corner because we can’t talk to you about certain things!
Come on life isn’t so bad, cheer up! Frelichein Chanukahhahahhah!
Trouble is, it’s so hard to know which comments are hurtful to which people. No one wants to hurt people, but sometimes people in pain are so sensitive. Some in shidduchim are hurt if you say “IY”H by you.” Others are hurt if you say nothing. SOme who don’t have kids yet, dislike when people talk about kids. Others want everyone to just be natural around them. Some people sitting shiva, R”L, want people to talk to them. Others want people to listen. Some having parnossah problems don’t want anyone to know. Others want people to help them find jobs.
Please forgive those who make comments that hurt you. Most people are trying to do the right thing, but the same thing is not right for everyone.
May this Chanukah bring light to all those experiencing darkness in their lives.
please don’t post letters unless they are presentable and spelled correctly.
I think that this letter is ridicules. We are now married for 3 years without children, I have siblings that have many children and I WILL be going to our family Chanukah party. All because Hashem put you in this Matzav it doesn’t mean that you now have to live in a cave, you must go on with life and face your troubles, trust me I go through it everyday.
This is by far the DUMBEST lettee ever posted on tls.
the only thing that the writter left out was that we should breath and we should make sure not to fall down when we walk.
It is so insensitive to call this letter dumb. If you disagree with its message you can simply state that in your opinion the message is incorrect.
It is so true that your pain is exacerbated by insensitive remarks and your bringing it to people’s attention is very wise – even if one person’s sensitivity is heightened. Please understand though, that it is the situation that is causing you pain. The same comment can be painful when received from one person, and compassionate when received from another. Or when you are in different moods. I remember an insensitive (almost comical in its level of insensitivity) remark that I got when i was a kvatter. I thought I would die. But, guess what, that year I gave birth to a beautiful baby. I always felt that the embarrassment I had was the final kapparah that i needed – We don’t know the cheshbonos, but surely your attempts to be mekabel everything cheerfully, or at least with no resentment, will stand by you forever, for simchos, for nachas, for parnassah, and for yeshuos b’korov.
What does this letter have to do with chanukah?
Are you simply trying to teach everyone “human skills?”
Would not these “pearls of wisdom” apply to everyone, everyday, everywhere?
Additionally, you forgot to mention that people with lower IQ’s might feel intimidated mingling with people with average or above average IQ’s.
I really dislike my cheap Brother-In-Law. The only cause he ever contributes to is himself. Would it be okay if I asked him not to attend our family Chanukah party so I can have a more enjoyable time? Listening to him go on and on in his sanctimonious way about how he has everything figured out makes me want to stuff three sufgoniot in his mouth to shut him up. All suggestions on how to deal with him are welcome.
Some of my family get together and make a party but, they don’t invite me and it does hurt.
To the Letter Writer:
Thank you for bringing this topic to the fore, as it deserves to be addressed . Some of the painful situations you mentioned can be avoided with a few helpful pointers. While you mentioned many things that you would not like to hear, perhaps you can respond and let the readership know what would be the appropriate things to say. Most awkwardness stems from well meaning and sensitive people trying not to say the wrong thing, yet having no idea what the right and appropriate thing to is to say. A few ideas from you might help us translate awareness to practical applications and help a few people feel more comfortable at their family parties! Thank you and awaiting your response.
please, when u make your party make sure to not invite your husband, parents your grand parents and your kids becauwe u may affend someone who may not have anyone of the above.
At least you have family. As a BT, Chanukah and the Yomim Tovim can be very lonely when you don’t have frum family to visit.
Ever speak to that arrogant type that constantly hurls insults and shtochs to family members, but when made aware of his deplorable behavior excuses himself by saying” Oh, he’s just too sensitive..”
Then there are people like me who don’t get invited anywhere.
There are also those people that do in fact intend to say or act demeaning to other family members, but the real reason is due to their untreated inferiority complex..
On the topic of insensitive:
The funniest thing that was said to me when I was looking into life insurance, the guy (well meaning I’m sure) asked me.
How long are you married??
ME: 2 ½ years.
INSRUANCE GUY: Kids??
ME: No.
INSRUANCE GUY: Do you know there are doctors out there that can help you??
ME: Really??
INSRUANCE GUY: Yes you really don’t know?
ME: Think before you talk to people, you think I’m not aware?? Use your brains!!
Thank you for your sensitivity.
good points
i personally can identify with some of the above
but we need not to be sooooooooo sensitive
when some one asks you hey moishe how are you/ he is not looking for your financials etc
so like everythinhg in life a” bissel” brains
happ y chanuka
enjoy berel and the bus driver
dance dance revolution with jewish songs
build your donut
just enjoy chanukh!!!!!
we have alot to be thankful for
the letter is heartfelt & true. those of you that mocked it & wrote nasty things about it have a big problem. you can’t feel someone’s pain if your not in that matzav? even if you don’t understand, there is NEVER a reason to mock someone elses feelings. you should thank Hashem that you can’t relate bc its not an issue for you. But to mock it or be mean, means you have other MAJOR issues that are much worse if you can’t just let someone share their pain. Please, get help quick!
is there a cure for nastiness??
Number 11, my brother-in-law sounds exactly like yours, perhaps we can arrange a chanukah party for the two of them. It would be interesting to see if they llike each other.
Keep stuffing him with sufganiot!
if chanuka was more like purim there wouldnt be awkward moments. have a lchaim you will feel better about yourself.
#11, I have a brother like that. The way I usually try to deal with it is to ignore it, but I find that it doesn’t really work, so I would suggest going over to him and engaging him in conversation. Part of the reason he won’t shut up about the topic most probably is because it gives him a sense accomplishment & self worth. He sees everyone else struggling away under the burden of their finances, and here he’s successfully budgeted his money, so it gives him enormous satisfaction in knowing that he’s one step ahead of the game while everyone else is lagging behind.
And because he’s so proud, he simply can’t keep it to himself, and constantly talks about it so that others will take a lesson from him and budget their finances in a similar fashion.
So if you talk to him, acknowledging (however painful it is) that perhaps he has a point (even if he totally doesn’t) and then subtley change the topic to something else, he’ll be satisfied knowing that someone other than his wife (if she even listens to him at all) has acknowledged his hard work, and the need to constantly brag about it will be eliminated.
Or it’ll just encourage him to talk more. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure to have a good pair of earplugs with you so you can block out the noise. I know Pharmex Pharmacy has a nice selection that work quite well.
Husband not a father, how can I say this but you sound like an imature punk. Come back CHV”S when you are married almost 10 years and spent over $150k of your own money after what ever little insurance has paid out and all the “wonderful” organizations say “sorry you and your wife work we can’t help you” and still CHV”S have no kids.
3 years no kids is a joke, to those of us suffering for so much longer. If you had half a brain you would understand after a time going to any simcha is unbearable for both spouses. This letter was very appropriate. I know too many people in our community who are suffering from “shidduchim”, the economy, shalom bayis issues, even lo alienu tzar gidul banim.
1. The spelling errors or grammar errors that apparently urked one or some of you, apology, as a letter and not a professional article- I just wrote it and sent it.
2.WOW!!!
There really are insensitive people out there. (shock!)
I’m not sure what to say… I definitely am flattered with all the responses but the reactions go from sickening to vomitable!
Aside from those that were actually humanely written.
I’m glad all of you that are jesting at this are not sufferers and my best wishes to everyone out there is that nobody should ever be. But being that I have been on both sides of the spectrum,
I must tell you, YES, sufferers are many times more (and even over) sensitive but you have an obligation as a Jew – and I dont care what breed or color you are, brim up or down, litvish chasidish and every other label out there- you are obligated to in Bein adam lachavero. And if you arent then all your torah and mitzvos are worthless (I have a much stronger analagy but I doubt TLS would appreciate it so I’ll leave it out.)
If you don’t care about the way you treat or talk to others – go eat treif!
I dont care how frum you are or arent how yeshivish or shticky or what not you are or aren’t – what does it take to have some sensitivity???
All I asked in the letter, was that people go a drop out of their comfort zone and daled amos to THINK before they TaLk!! (yup its not as easy as it sounds) 😉
For those that wanted suggestions- don’t ignore those suffering but dont be overbearing and inquisitive.
Ask them how they are and share stories with them even one or 2 about your hub or kids or job but keep it to a minimum and keep natural.
And dont ask too many questions –
In one simple expression “USE YOUR BRAINS!” (if you havent yet lost them while on TLS!)
Sincerely,
The letter writer
Aw…. to all those that dont have parties… i think we should make one big chanukah party that e/o invited to on TLS!!!!
e/o chips in and brings some food!
seperate seating, this way the single boys will sit and shmooze with the men and boys and the single girls will be with the ladies and girls