There is a core human need to have a sense of self worth and value. Sadly, it’s also what many people are lacking most. There are many factors involved in self worth and value as well as the psychological dynamics that hinder its development. For the purpose of this article, we will focus on perfectionism and self criticism, two sides of the same coin.

Perfectionism is the perceived need to be perfect. It’s when we demand excessively high standards from ourselves all the time, and are dissatisfied with anything less than perfect results. The inevitable failure to be perfect results in what’s known as the “inner critic”, that voice inside of us that puts us down, shames us, finds fault in us, and perpetuates a sense of deficiency and inadequacy in us. We then push ourselves even harder in an unsuccessful attempt to quiet that voice. This leads to more and more stress and low self worth. Alternatively, this also leads to depression because of the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that are embedded in poor self worth. This dynamic can be in any and all areas of our lives including רוחניות, career and financial goals, marriage, parenting and everything else.

A basic psychological principle in helping this issue is self acceptance. Self acceptance allows us to develop a sense of self worth that doesn’t require perfection. It recognizes that perfection is impossible. The lack of acceptance of the reality that humans are imperfect is what causes the angst when we don’t meet our expectations. Self acceptance helps build a self worth that includes all of ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses, flaws and gifts.

While self acceptance is crucial, it takes work to develop it, especially for frum people. We are raised with big שאיפות, it’s in our blood. It’s hard to accept settling for less, it feels like failure, and to many, contrary to their Hashkafa as well.

There is a fundamental concept elucidated in ספרי מחשבה that transformed my perspective on this. The זוהר says that when Hashem created the world, He infused his infinite light into כלים (vessels). The vessels were overwhelmed by the light and broke, the world then descended into chaos. The זוהר explains that the purpose of this world is to fix the vessels so that one day they can again hold the light of Hashem.

The ספרים explain that our world and us humans are the broken vessels. We originally held the infinite light of Hashem but were overwhelmed by it and broke. Our job is to repair ourselves and the world to once again hold the infinite light of Hashem. The question is why did Hashem put his light into the vessels if it would overwhelm them and break? The breaking of the vessels led to chaos, why would He want that? What was the point?

A core concept in ספרי מחשבה is the idea of דירה בתחתונים, (literally, a “dwelling below”). Hashem created this world in order to have a דירה בתחתונים, a “dwelling below”. Hashem is perfect and that perfection is evident above, in the עליונים, the Heavens. Our world is תחתונים, filled with brokenness, evil, imperfection and darkness. The darkness obscures the light of Hashem.

Yet our world of darkness is where Hashem wants to reside. Why? I saw this explained by Rabbi David Aaron. There are two types of perfection. One type is called static perfection, in which everything is ultimately perfect, but without the possibility of growth because the inherent perfection precludes any growth. The second type of perfection is dynamic perfection, which allows for the possibility of growth and improvement. There is a perfection in the ability to grow and become better and better. עליונים, the heavens, is static perfection, where Hashem’s presence is evident. That is where מלאכים reside, they don’t have בחירה or the ability to grow. Our world, תחתונים, the world of broken vessels, is where dynamic perfection, the opportunity for growth is possible. This opportunity for growth is only possible because of the brokenness, darkness, failure and chaos of this world. Without the brokenness, there can be no growth. Even more important, there needs to be something attractive and alluring about the darkness in order for there to be a real struggle and consequently, real growth. Hashem created this world to have dynamic perfection, the perfection of brokenness and growth. There is no greater נחת רוח to Hashem than the revelation of His presence that comes from struggle.

The implication of this is transformative. Our job is to create a דירה בתחתונים. We do that by struggling with evil, darkness and our own imperfect nature to reveal the inner light of Hashem that lies at the core of ourselves and the world. The goal is not to arrive at the light, the goal is the struggle itself. The light is the struggle. Its the Godliness in us, the light in us that seeks to overcome our flaws. When we try to overcome something, we revealed Hashem’s light by trying. Whether we succeed or not is irrelevant, we’ve already succeeded in doing what Hashem’s mission for us is. Growth is never about arriving at our goal, it’s about who we become on the journey to get there. The place for enjoying the light of perfection is עליונים, not our world. Our world is the place of broken vessels.

Why did Hashem put his light into the vessels if He knew they would break and cause chaos? In order for us to grow, we need to have seared into our נשמות what perfect light looks like. We needed to have once been filled with the light of perfection, if only for a moment, in order to yearn for it again. If we never tasted it, we would forget where we came from and believe that the darkness is the only thing that exists. Hashem needed to fill the vessels with light prior to them breaking to create the counterforce for all the chaos and darkness of this world. We need to be pulled to the darkness but also pulled to the light in order to grow.

We all strive for perfection because we have an innate desire to reveal that light that completely filled us for a brief moment. Our problem is that we begin to believe that our job is to regain that perfect light in this world. We confuse the goal to be our basking in the light instead of the striving for it. That’s what causes our low self worth. We think we failed by not being perfect. The truth is that our value lies in our brokenness, that’s the purpose of our existence.

When we understand our lives this way, we can balance having both great שאיפות along with self acceptance. We can strive to be better because that’s why we are here. At the same time, we can fully accept our flaws, failures and even the bad within us, because that’s also why we are here. Our flaws are what give us our perfect brokenness, the reason for our existence.

Chaim Moshe Steinmetz, LISW

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Chaimmoshesteinmetz.com

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