Letter: Seeking help

To my dear Lakewooders,

Lakewood is a beautiful place with so many organizations and individuals who give up their lives to help others.

I am starting this letter with a request. It is taking me a lot of courage to write this letter, as it is very personal, so I ask that those who feel the need to knock every letter writer to for once hold in their insensitive comments.

Hashem has blessed us with a child a few years ago. BH he is adorable and we love him to no end. Since he was born and continued to develop, it became very obvious that something is a little off.

After many tests and much money spent on evaluations etc., we are still not totally clear. BH he is a healthy normal child, and we can’t thank Hashem enough for that. We can’t begin to imagine the pain and suffering of those who whose children are ill or are special needs.

But our child has issues, for now the therapists call it severe add/adhd, with a host of sensory issues. He needs to be watched almost 24 hours a day, that he does not do anything dangerous / break something / run out of the house / hurt another child, or just simply go on a destructive rampage. Again, I am not daring to compare them to any children with real issues r”l, but to put it mildly, it puts a great strain on us. And of course the other children suffer, and unfortunately the younger ones learn from the negative behaviors.

My wife is a tzadekes, and she devotes her entire life to him, caring for him, getting him therapies, trying to learn new techniques. To the neighbors, we are probably just the dysfunctional family of the block, but I can testify to the hours and time my wife puts in, many times to just be undone right afterwards by our adorable child.

The reason I am writing, is to find out if there is any sort of support group of parents of such children already in place. I feel that for my wife the three most important things she needs would be: 1) A support group. 2) A mother’s helper. 3) A parenting counselor for such children.

If anyone has anything to share, if they can please contact us at [email protected]

Thank you and tizke lemitzvos.

Thank you to the Scoop for all you do.

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  1. The Center has many volunteers that can help you during normal school hrs.You can drop off your child there for a few hrs of respite. They very often also arrange volunteers for the house even beyond school hrs. You’re also doing yourself a disservice by saying things like “Im not daring to compare him….to children with real issues”. If your child needs round the clock supervision and is effecting your other children, that would be a real issue. And the sooner you realize that the better. Welcome to the club. Hatzlocha Rabbah !!

  2. I am sorry to hear of this around the clock concern within your family brother. I don’t have an answer to your question but I am praying right now for your concerns. God bless you!!

  3. I wish I could be of help. I just want to say how impressed I am by your honesty AND by your sensitivity. Wishing you tons of hatzlacha and nachas.

  4. I feel for you, having a similar case.myself. the first question I want to ask you is your child on meds for ADHD!! If he is not, you are doing a tremendous disservice to the child and all those around him. This has saved our lives!!

  5. It is not clear how from your letter how old your child is now. If he is approximately 13 years old there is a yeshiva in Miami called Doresh run by Rabbi Mordecai Salfer that is specifically geared for these type of boys (believe it or not, there are alot of these type of children in Lakewood-I have one myself) and he does wonders.

  6. It sounds like your child has more than just ADD. If he needs to be watched around the clock. The “Center” is a fantastic organization and will definitely be the right place to help you with Supports and services.You might want to look into ABA therapy which is covered by Insurance. ABA Therapy targets Behavioral, social, and possibly Sensory issues. It also includes one on one parent training.Lakewood has a few ABA agencies. Attentive Behavior, Brain builders, and more Good luck and lots of Nachas

  7. the parent writes about other children with ‘real issues’. the difficulty your child has is as ‘real’ as any other; dont sell your struggles short. may HaShem give you the wisdom and ko’ach and patience (and all the rest of us, too) to raise your child

  8. You touch a very very real problem that goes on and is very demonstrative in your letter. People judge families by their external appearance when in reality noone has a clue as to any family or individuals internal struggles. May hashem grant you the strength to continue to raise a beautiful family.

  9. Wow. I really commend you for reaching out and trying your best to help yourself and your wife deal with your precious child. Remember that you are the best Advocate there will ever be . ABA and a specific sensory diet definitely seems like the right approach , speaking from experience . I took out an insurance policy for my daughter and with her diagnosis, she was able to receive services thru an agency, in school most of the day. I also know that yad b’yad were in the process of putting such a Support group together. Know that there are so many like you in the same situation and you are not alone. Hatzlacha!!!!!

  10. @CommandPost, @newcomer Make excellent points. Don’t fool yourself saying this is not a real issue. Its real. Very real. And you need not face it on ur own. Reach out. Get help. And GET a DIANOSIS !! That is absolutely step one. ADD is treatable. As are most other “real issues”. You are NOT alone. And don’t be embarrassed to post ur sons name for Tehillim. All The Best.

  11. Anyone out there with these issues, please be in touch with TLS to contact me. I have what may be a solution for you that has b’siyata d’Shmaya given us back our daughter. These situations can affect the entire household and are so difficult! Burying your child’s personality under labels and medication isn’t always the answer. These external reactions all point to an underlying issue. OT, PT, and all these medications are almost like bandaids, when the core issue isn’t fixed.


  12. There is hope. Learn about the Bartonella infection, Anti Dnase B, possibly Pediatric Acute Neuropsychiatric Syndrome and the benefits of Intravenous Immunoglobulin. You might find chizuk in this research. There are children who get better. Really Better.

  13. In addition to these other suggestions,maybe you should look into the possibility of sensory issues. You need a good OT with experience with sensory children.
    I don’t know if I can name one, but if it is OK with the scoop, I can…

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