Is post-abuse repair possible? Or will my entire life be one unending game of trying to evade you and everything and everyone else that comes with it? Of surviving, but not actually thriving?
But decades have passed, and life is short. The loss of its quality is not a small thing.
I tell her my idea.
“Why do you want to do this? Are you sure?”
No. I don’t want to. I strongly don’t want to. But I need to. It’s the right thing for me. I know it is. I trust myself on that.
And so, I invite you in for a session.
I scrunch myself small into the arm of the couch, fortifying myself with pillows. Please move his chair deep into the corner, far, far away from me.
“He looks scared,” she tells me.
Wait. Don’t let him in. I’m not ready. But I’ll never be ready.
I close my eyes. Breathe. Invite him into this space.
And with that, you enter.
I don’t look up. I can’t. I’m still scared of you. But I am no longer mad at you, only deeply sad and afraid.
I let you know how much it’s cost me. Who else I hold responsible in this. My respect for your past attempts to repair.
I am brave. I am kind. I am honest.
Then I listen.
I hear you speak, and I know you are as broken as I am.
There are centuries of pain to dig up and work through. But now is not the time.
You leave. I stay.
I look at her with gratitude, with relief.
“Do you feel the joy-pain I’m feeling?” she asks.
But no, I’m the picture of “okay.” I’m always okay. No one sees my pain, please. Least of all me. It might overtake me.
I make my way to my car, and there, in its familiar safety, I shed tears of frustration, disappointment, anger, deep, deep grief, and hope.
I know there’s an unending journey ahead, one that will take the duration of my lifetime and then some. And I also know that He appreciates process. That’s all He asks for.
And so, I embrace it too.
Repair. It is possible.
A Survivor
P.S. My message to anyone out there who has ever offended is:
All is not lost. There is a way back.
- Take full ownership of the destruction and pain you have caused.
- Feel remorse and express it.
- Make amends to your victim for the future.
You will bring healing to yourself, to your victim, and to the world.
We are Jews. We believe in teshuva. This is your moment.
Be strong.
Be courageous.
Be excruciatingly honest.
Come on, you can do it.
P.P.S. To any parent out there, I don’t wish what you and your children are going through on my worst enemy. I feel for you. Truly. Just as I do for my own parents and so many others.
Even less discussed than the topic of sexual abuse is the topic of reconciliation in appropriate circumstances post-abuse. I have only once heard this mentioned briefly on a public forum.
Know this: as a parent, whether your children are still minors or now adults, it is your responsibility to fix what broke under your protection.
I say that with care, with respect, and with a true understanding of this struggle.
Sexual abuse is not an issue that can be ignored or that will heal on its own. Your family will likely remain shattered, to everyone’s detriment, unless you step in as a parent and facilitate healing, as hard as that may be, beginning with your own work.
P.P.P.S. And to anyone out there who has been hurt in this way, I feel you. I know this pain. I’m in the trenches too.
Please don’t feel angry or pressured by the above. It was part of my journey, not necessarily for everyone.
If, though, reconciliation at any level is possible in your situation, I’ll say this: I wish it for people I love and care about, because I know how much empowerment and healing it brought to me.
This is true even though the level of reconciliation I have at this point is minimal.
It was one of the hardest things I initiated in my life, and also one of the most powerful.
It’s because I care that I’m saying this. It’s not spoken about enough. I didn’t even know reconciliation was an option until I pursued it myself out of desperation. It was so off my radar, I had no concept that such a choice existed.
It has to start becoming a viable option for people.
At the same time, know this: wherever your healing path takes you, you have my humble respect.
I’ve got your back.
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This is the first time ive ever commented on a platform and I want you to know Im blown away. I am an older teen. my parents have no clue in their wildest dreams that i was abused. I was told to go to therapy just for depression anxiaty etc. but i was too nervous. I thought these things never happened to normal looking peaple but b”H these things have been spoken about so much more openly recently which really helped me reach out for help in the first place. As someone that is only at the beginning of the healing journey, there is one think im extremely grateful for, and that is the ownership my abuser has taken. To anyone else out there know you are not the only one at all, unfortunately. Reach out for help. you dont have to feel pressured to say what happened right away if you dont feel comftoreable, but youll never regret reaching out. therapists are trained to deal with these kinds of stuff. Hang in there. Hatzlacha
Advice to the teenage girls that are still in high school:
If a boy asks you to go out with him somewhere, 99 % of these boys are not serious, these boys are not looking for a long friendship. They are thinking about themselves. They have zero interest to make you a happy person. Don’t fall for their trap. If you go out with them, you will regret it forever. They are still young. They are not interested right now in marriage.
A girl might think, I am excited to have a friend, but as President Trump would say, these boys are “fake friends”.
They are in it for themselves. They don’t care about you.
They know how to put on a fake smile.
Please girls, don’t make this fatal mistake.
The girls with boy friends are not in high school anymore
Many times the abuser is a close family member. not necessarily high school age many times its really young girls.
Very interesting and heartfelt article. Thank you for taking the time to share.
I have a few people very close to me who went through something very similar. I’ll share based on my own personal experiences with these people. This is by no means authoritative.
I’m a bit conflicted about reconciliation. Are we talking about abuse by close family members? That is one case where I can really see the need since they have real ties to that person and cutting them off comes with its own tremendous wounds. Otherwise, in my experience (based on where I’ve seen this attempted), it has can do more harm than good. As mentioned, I am not the expert and each person needs to do what works for them. But a therapist who does this, must be super super experienced with this exact thing and even then it is a huge gamble. I am also a bit confused about whether you felt you gained from this meeting. It wasn’t very clear.
In terms of asking the perpetrator to come clean and express remorse/make amends, do you have advice about how he can do that without fear that this will have legal ramifications. Obviously, I’m talking about a case where the perpetrator is not a continued threat to you and community.
Finally, you mentioned the worry that this will never go away. From my own personal experience, I have seen a few cases of people very close to me who have gone through tremendous abuse and where it got much better after marriage. I am talking about marriage to the right person who can really help you heal. Not to say that marriage solves everything. The many years of work still needs to be done. However, even after doing tremendous work and still feeling like they were hitting a wall, a couple of years of a very healthy happy marriage enabled them to really heal to the extent where they stopped defining themselves by the abuse and the pain and where real healing happened. Having a child enabled further healing. This takes a tremendous amount of Siyata dishmaya to find the right one and a tremendous amount of work to be in the place where the right person will want you. It also requires real work to make sure you don’t perpetuate the issues into marriage and really good mentors to make sure that you don’t pick the wrong one, especially since your life experiences often makes you gravitate towards those that will not be good for you. But, I have personally seen people who had lost hope of a normal life heal in ways they never thought was possible.
no, it is not possible to repair, but Hashem can heal and make successful anyone whom He wants to no matter what the issue, circumstance, or background is, just look around and you will notice that some of the most successful stars out there went through some really rough situations.
I’m the OP.
I wrote into TLS four years ago post CW. To answer certain comments / questions below, I think if you read that article first, will clarify this one a lot. https://thelakewoodscoop.com/news/letter-like-a-stab-in-the-heart/
A lot will still remain obscure – the point isn’t my specific journey. But a PSA for the community as a whole. Too many families are hurting for life. And it doesn’t need to be this way. Healing a fractured family is possible. That is my point.
Thank you to everyone who is taking the time to read this, and to comment on this hard topic. Especially to those who can personally relate – it takes an extra measure of bravery.