Dear Editors,
I got married a few years ago and B”H my husband and I are very happy together. I always got along with everyone I knew, but my relationship with my in-laws is giving me heartache and sleepless nights. I just don’t know what to do.
My mother-in-law seems out to get me. If we have plans to go to my parents for Shabbos or Yom Tov, she insists we cancel and come to her that week instead. If I want to use a certain OB, she insists I use the one her daughter used.
She and my father-in-law are constantly calling my husband to drive in (they don’t live in Lakewood) and do long errands for them — that I cannot be part of. My in-laws demand that we go to every last simcha from the most distant relatives. They insisted that we travel far to a wedding of a second cousin we never spoke to.
They are adamant that we must keep yashan and lots of other chumrahs that my husband himself wouldn’t be makpid on. Their demands are entirely exhausting, physically and emotionally, and I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. It’s breaking me.
I’m reaching out to see if any younger couples have stories and struggles like me and how you deal with it. If you feel comfortable writing me an anonymous email, I will be forever thankful to you!
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I think you’re exaggerating.
I think thats just the way the females talk but she means to say that she doesnt love her in laws as much as she thought she would when she first got engaged and in fact she even gets irritated that her husband places their priorities over hers…
Btw i believe the problem is more rooted in her relationship with her husband, just saying…
Look at that! Our favorite “therapist” is back with a new username.
why would a young vibe post her issues on the internet? sounds like she had a bad kalah teacher who didnt teach the basics, you go with your hubby to your rav!
calling your husband hubby is white trash
This is a pretty unfortunate situation. Get a Rov and speak to him so you can navigate this al pi torah.
Hashem should give you and your husband lots of koches so you can get through this nisayon together.
Best advice. It will protect your shalom bayis.. Your husband wil need tol be the buffer and weather the threats and scoldings. I took it uon myself to go to war and the remorse is heavy, but it’s too late to ask for forgiveness. Every Mother in Law must remember she was once a daughter in Law.
I sincerely hope this is Purim Torah, but on the chance you’re honestly confused, it’s a simple solution.
Just say “No”.
Are you married? Who do you think is supporting them? A lot easier said than done…
Stop stealing my name, this is not OK, TLS should never allow Identity theft
Who is the original John mckishke?
You actually both stole my mine. I plan on writing a letter to the scoop about this brazen violation of my identity
She cant say No when her husband says yes and starts going…
I think it’s important for you AND your husband to speak to a Rav and a therapist together. Of course that’s assuming that your husband is on the same page as you. If not, hopefully he’ll agree to speak to them together with you anyway. It’s also important to make sure to find a therapist who is both experienced with this issue, yet also not quick to advise the couple to go the route of no contact. The Halachos of Kibbud Av Va’Eim are quite strict and it doesn’t sound like no contact is necessarily needed in this situation.
If your husband isn’t willing to get on board with you to speak to a therapist and Rav, it’s still very important that you do alone. You can get guidance for how to navigate this hard situation you’re in and how to communicate your needs even while you don’t have the support from your husband that you wish to have.
I think the above is probably more important than getting peer support from those in similar situations since peer support for this kind of thing without the guidance of a Rav and therapist can easily and quickly become a venting and negativity space, which will just add to the doom and gloom you’re feeling, instead of a supportive space that will help decrease your pain and suffering.
Remember to daven for Siyata Dishmaya!
May Hashem send the right help your way and may your situation improve in the best way.
Your the type to privately email her as well and give her a weekly chizzuk
I feel terrible for you and totally understand you First and foremost you must Daven to HaShem to ease the situation He can do anything so this too needs Tefila to be answered by Him with Hid help.
Then of course speak to your Rav etc
Hatzlacha Rabbah!
I think it’s important for you and your husband to speak to a Rav and a therapist together. Of course that’s assuming that your husband is on the same page as you. If not, hopefully he’ll agree to speak to them together with you anyway. It’s also important to make sure to find a therapist who is both experienced with this issue, yet also not quick to advise the couple to go the route of no contact. The Halachos of Kibbud Av Va’eim are quite strict and it doesn’t sound like no contact is necessarily needed in this situation.
If your husband isn’t willing to get on board with you to speak to a therapist and Rav, it’s still very important that you do alone. You can get guidance for how to navigate this hard situation you’re in and how to communicate your needs even while you don’t have the support from your husband that you wish to have.
I think the above is probably more important than getting peer support from those in similar situations since peer support for this kind of thing without the guidance of a Rav and therapist can easily and quickly become a venting and negativity space, which will just add to the doom and gloom you’re feeling, instead of a supportive space that will help decrease your pain and suffering.
Remember to daven for Siyata Dishmaya!
May Hashem send the right help your way and may your situation improve in the b
est way.
I think you should have a conversation with someone like your hubby’s Rov or someone who knows both you and your family and his. Very often people reach out to strangers on the internet who are not in a position to give solid good couples’ advice, because every situation is different and deserves the attention and care needed. Also, asking for others’ stories, while entertaining for sure, I don’t believe will fix the issue… You have feelings and concerns that matter, and your husband should respect/acknowledge that. At the same time, his family is also important and whenever discussing family, it can be very sensitive subject so always tread carefully. I think, go reach out to someone COMPETENT in couple’s therapy or a good Rabbi, someone who knows both your family and his family, and never jump to conclusions, just listen with an open ear and be open-minded. Life is a long journey!
Speak with a wise Rav ASAP. Don’t listen to other young couples.
Speak to a Rav and he’ll give you guidance. None of the things you mentioned are considered normal and they appear overstep their boundaries.
You and your husband need to sit with a rav so that your husband can get guidance on how to set boundaries with his parents in a respectful way. Don’t wait
It’s your husbands place to put up loving but firm boundaries. He should be telling them “I love you my dear parents and I am so impressed with your Chumras but me and my wife are now going to do what’s right for us” or “I would love to come in and clean your garage for 20
hours but it’s actually date night.” Sometimes you will say yes and give in but boundaries need to be in place- otherwise you will come to resent your spouse.
Please delete this. Makes no sense to publish it. This is a private issue and should be dealt with privately. Let’s have a little more class and respect for ourselves then to air private personal dirty laundry in public.
There is nobody here who will suggest anything normal and if the writer listens to any suggestions then they are not normal.
Every situation is different. Every relationship is different. Whoever wrote this letter should seek suggestions from their Rov, Rebbi or if more intervention is necessary speak with a licensed professional counselor. They will know what to advise you. Nobody here should ever be listened to as if they were an expert
Irony?
Dear In-laws and soon-to-be inlaws…
Please read this letter and make sure you don’t behave this way. Its seriously not ok.
Signed,
A daughter-in-law that is so thankful To have a good relationship with in-laws (although they do sometimes overstep boundaries that I prefer they wouldn’t.)
This is what is called a classic boundaries issue and is unfortunately common. You and your husband need a good Rov and guidance from a mentor on how to draw healthy boundaries.
Most of the items you mentioned are ones where healthy couples will say “thank you so much for your suggestion” and then go ahead and choose the OB that THEY like and the chumros that THEIR ROV guides them to take on.
If they continue to not respect your privacy, boundaries, and choices, for the sake of shalom bayis and emotional health a Rov will likely guide you on how to distance yourself from them in some ways. Please don’t go this alone! There is help out there. You can resolve this issue together as a couple and maybe even have a healthy, stronger relationship with your in laws in the process.
i suggest you see a therapist who can assist you in setting boundaries in a healthy respectful way. Much Hatzlacha!
enough with the therapist shtusim , the mother n law is probably a therapist !
Man up and put your name with real email
not sure if your serious or not, but to be Dan Lkaf chov for a moment:
Another moron. As if truth can only be spoken if you publicize your name.
I guess the part about the author actually very much not being a man, [which can be inferred by the fact they use an OB, though who really knows these days] doesn’t factor in…
There are so many good reasons people don’t publish their names when opining (Really? they need someone who thinks its manly to come and confront them in public now”?) that your comment is laughable, and warrants no response.
However, I cant resist to call out the bull fertilizer when i see it, hence the comment.
But being that you commented with your actual name(?!) i’m gonna assume your just trolling.
Still, those that actually agree with your sentiment. There. Now you can be smarter!
Soap in the mouth…
Stop stealing my name, this is not OK
OK Mr Yoshon what’s your real name?
This absolutely does not belong on a public forum. It can lead to terrible things! Just because somebody wants to hock! And click bait.
try therapy
TLS PLEASE TAKE THIS DOWN
if you don’t like it you don’t need to read it.
TLS Please take this terrible thing down!!!!
What are you trying to say?
I feel like I’m reading the story of my life!!
And it doesn’t have a happy ending.
BH my husband tries so hard to be good & helpful to me but the control his parents wield over him is terrifying.
They use manipulation and martyr tactics to bend him to their will. And he succumbs to the pressure and guise of kibbud av v’aim.
I refuse to alienate ourselves from them. I hope to use our experience to not treat our children this way when they are adults.
I feel your pain and hope you find peace.
ypu are better off getting guidance from your rov than from TLS commentators. 😊
Hatzlocha.
I am duly insulted! 🙁
Is it really too much a stretch that i am the perfect random stranger with the answer to all the worlds problems?! Sheesh.
Have your husband go to his Rav and ask him. Yidden ploni are not the right ones to answer such questions, but Das torah.
Grow up and figure it out!!! Theres a very nice sefer that came out called Mesillas Yesharim it helps you work on yourself and not get so annoyed by other people… Some people feel learning Bitachon helps… If all else fails you can always get a therapist but its your most expensive option. Just a little tip: Tell your husband exactly how you feel and let him pass the message on….
just be happy! many many girls would give out their life savings just to trade places with you…
This may not be my place as I’m not young couple, just a married guy with a few kids KH and some marriage and in laws experience, but you won’t get an answer to this from other young couples. You and your husband must have a Rov or Rebbi that knows you well and can help you navigate the situation. Every case is vastly different and hearing what other couples have to say may be validating, but it definitely won’t help fix the issue
I am not sure I understand why you do what they say? Especially if they live in a different town, why do you have to do what they say re yoshon, what simchas you attend etc? Have you discussed what your actual obligations are with a Rav? This sounds like you need to discuss with your husband to be on the same page and then he respectfully communicates that to them. “Like thanks so much ma for the Shabbat invite. We decided to go to xxx parents but we would love to come the following Shabbos if that would work for you”…
I don’t think the scoop is the forum for this…
reach out to your rav??
now let me hear the “bad in-laws” story. There’s 2 sides to every situation.
Firstly, in-laws deserve your gratitude and appreciation for having birthed and raised the wonderful person you chose to marry.
Also, realize that all relationships have their challenges that need to be worked through. If you are sincerely seeking advice, this is not the correct forum to find it. Rather, you and your spouse should together reach out to a qualified rav or mentor to guide you in your personal situation -it will be a lot more productive and effective than asking random people who can only share what may have helped them.
To the editors- why in the world was this posted on a site meant for news and public announcements?! Please remove and consider revising screening protocols.
What is the toeless of publishing such a letter? This is not the forum . I suggest you speak to your Rav or therapist and deal with it on private. Wishing you hatzlocha.
Your Hubby needs to step up to the plate.
This is not primarily an in-law problem.
This is a husband-boundary problem.
Once a man gets married, his first responsibility is to his wife and the home he is building with her. That does not mean cutting off parents or being disrespectful — but it does mean that his parents no longer get to run his life.
Your in-laws are making demands because no one has clearly told them “no.”
It is your husband’s responsibility — not yours — to sit down with his parents and have a calm, respectful, but firm conversation. He needs to explain that while he loves and respects them, decisions about Shabbos, Yom Tov, chumrahs, travel, errands, and medical choices are now made by him and his wife together.
You should not be put in the position of being the “difficult daughter-in-law.” These conversations must come from him.
Parents often struggle to let go, especially when they are used to being in control. But unless boundaries are clearly set early on, the pressure will only increase — as you are already experiencing.
Healthy boundaries are not rebellion.They are not disrespect.They are not a lack of kibbud av v’eim.
They are what allow a marriage to survive.
Your husband does not need to fight with his parents — but he does need to grow into his role as a married man and advocate for his wife. One honest conversation now can prevent years of resentment, anxiety, and pain later.
This is the smartest, most on-point response.
Please dont chas v’sholom allow this to create a wedge between you and your husband. Go together to a competent couples therapist to work out the issue and never go alone to a rav or individual therapist to discuss marital issues. There was a letter signed by many rabbanim publicized recently that warned against such practices and its dangerous pitfalls.
Yashan isn’t a chumra, its a passuk chumash
I was looking for this comment!!!
Good job
I knew someone would truly get the true essence of the issue here
On the one hand, reaching out to the public for a personal issue can get you some support from others going through the same thing. On the other hand, it is sad that it resorts to this: reaching out to the public for a personal issue. It is very important for a Chosson and Kallah when they decide to get married, to decide on a Rav that they will go to for Shailos. I heard from a Rav that many Shalom Bayis issues arise when a husband paskens for himself and doesn’t seek advice from someone impartial like a Rav. Do you have any other sisters in law going through the same thing? A common thread with these letters is that people in our generation feel alone, with no one to turn to when they need help, even for advice. We have prioritized independence – for women and men, at work, at home and in family decisions. The Torah is the only thing we have to turn to in the crazy times we live in. Seek and you shall find. Hatzalcha!
Do you have any other married siblings in law? Do they feel the same as you? Or have a different perception?
The issue with most of the comments is, they are telling you to go to a therapist and create shalom bayis issues between your husband and yourself. They are telling you to tell your husband to pick between your parents or me. Show your husband that your willing to be mevater a couple times and/or instead of saying no, ask him if its ok if we go next week as we already have plans…..
The truth is as I can say from personal experience. If your inlaws are semi healthy people, then you have to set boundaries, in the beginning it may be rough. But once they realize you’re serious about your boundaries they’ll back off. If they’re unhealthy, than sometimes less is more. There’s no reason for you to tell your MIL which chumras you do or don’t keep and or other things, when you know it’s going to get a response out of them. Sometimes less is more…..
From personal experience certain conversations are best to not be had with my inlaws and/or anyone who is opiniated about a specific topic for that matter, as it will just create a situation where they’re trying to force their opinion on me. Best to avoid such topics so as not to face such issues.
Theres one more thing that is
extremely crucial to know and can be causing these feelings. Sometimes people have expectations of how other people should act etc…… you can’t change your inlaws. You can accept them with their flaws and all….. the sooner you do that, and realize it’s not personal, it’s just who they are. The sooner the boulder will be lifted off your chest.
Hatzlacha Rabbah in your journey
Goose says your are not required to listen just do it without waging war.
Do not allow a Kook to control you.
Gossage out!
There are real skills and tools you can learn that help communicate your needs properly, respectfully, and most importantly, effectively to establish a healthy relationship with your in laws.
A competent therapist would both teach you those skills, AND would help you understand why you relate to their demands with such intensity and helplessness.
Reach out to a therapist who works with this population.
they and you should listen to reb Avigdor millers- 10 commandments on marriage, they will learn to keep their noses out of your life and only give compliments and money to their married children-never advice, and you will learn to only give respect to your in laws and not to seek advice from them
It takes time for parents to get used to the fact that their son is married.
It takes husbands time to figure out how to prioritize all of the people who depend(ed) on him.
With patience, in the long run, your husband’s dedication to family will benefit you.
In the meantime, communication skills are helpful.
Am i the only one that had something smart to say and actually read it fully so I knew to respond to her email if I had something constructive and helpful to say???? I’m shocked at the undermining, this is real, not a hoax or exaggeration..I am in the field and very familiar with many cases..Don’t mitigate her pain. If you have no comment, then don’t comment. ..I too didn’t love the piece publicized but heard an honest cry for help.At least she had the seichel to create an email for responses. I chose that route and was appreciated and acknowledged. A mevakesh emes
From reading this article, no boundaries were ever set to begin with. Why are you discussing with your mother-in-law which OB you are using? And even if she asks persistently don’t answer the question. concerning to whom they go to for CHAGIM and Shabbat etc this should not be something that is a discussion up for debate. The basis of the problem in my opinion is. there are absolutely no boundaries. Obviously I don’t know if this couple but I also don’t think this is the forum for this to be discussed. This is something that should be discussed between the husband and wife.
By is your husband the only son in the family (i.e..has only sisters?) that could be a reason they are acting this way. I can relate to some extent if that’s the case.
I was in a similar but opposite situation. My husband had a lot of trauma from his parents when he was a kid and after he got married he basically refused to speak to them. He was right that they had been tough when he was a kid, but they are normal people. I felt that if he’s married, it should be easier to spend time with them because I’m there as backup and he doesn’t belong to them in the same way anymore. I really wanted to spend more time with them and get to know them– even just to have a place to go for shabbos. It was hard for him to go so we didn’t, but it was very hard on me that my husband, who I had chosen for his good middos, dealt with the situation in a very different way than I would have.
Now, several years (and several kids kah) later, we have come to a compromise on the situation, and Baruch Hashem it has improved all around.
Otherwise we were happy, but it caused a strain that was unnecessary… It’s hard to come into a family with different complicated dynamics, especially when you dreamed of it being a certain way.
Stunning how so many gleeful misogynists come out of the woodwork to leap at the opportunity to discredit a woman’s experience
Shame on those who’ve done that.
@Josh, most comments dont seem to invalidate the woman’s feelings but rather guide her to resolving the issue together with her husband and avoid creating a sholom bayis conflict. You seem to be a bleeding feminist that doesn’t care too much to sacrifice marriages on the altar of feminism.
Is there another side to the story? Did these incidents happen in a vacuum?
To have a successful marriage the wife has to be number one and the first priority for husband. If his family doesn’t understand that then he has to put them in their place. This is the classic Torah opinion. And the solution to most of the problems going on these days.
Cut them off for a few months.