Although I don’t work with couples in therapy, I do work with individuals on their marriage. Couples work focuses on the relationship. Individual marital work focuses on where the relationship resides- in you. In your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions.

A practical difference between couples therapy and individual work on a marriage is that couples therapy requires full participation from both partners. Individual marital work only requires you. If you change where the relationship resides, the relationship changes by itself. (This is not applicable to abusive relationships.)

This article is the first in a series on many things you can do on your own to create a real change in your marriage. The first step is a detox from all the problems.

The One Month Marriage Detox

The way you think about your spouse will determine the quality of the marriage and your own well being. We have an inborn fault finding system hardwired into us. Neuroscience calls it the “negativity bias.” We are biased towards noticing problems and flaws. That has its advantages in certain areas of life, but not in relationships.

In marriage, the negativity bias helps you notice everything you don’t like about your spouse. It can destroy your love, attraction, respect and sense of connection. The more you indulge the negativity bias, the more it blinds you to seeing the good in your spouse, until you can see no good at all.

What do you think a marriage looks like when each spouse only sees the flaws in the other? Besides being a miserable experience, it also precludes any change in those flaws. No one wants to change for someone who looks down on them, doesn’t appreciate them, and only sees their flaws. On the contrary, the more you find fault, the worse the faults will get. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Warmth, love, appreciation and respect are the fuel of change, not the result of change. Change in a relationship can happen when the feeling in the relationship is “I love you, can you do this for me?”, not, “I can’t stand you. If you change, then I’ll love you.”

Here’s how a marriage detox looks. For one month, you temporarily pause trying to solve any marriage problems. You also do your best to stop thinking about the problems as well. When your spouse upsets you in the moment, allow yourself to feel upset but then move on without “hashing it out” or stewing in it. Instead, for one month, intentionally look for and notice what you like, respect, and appreciate about your spouse. It might be their smile. Their sense of humor. Maybe it’s how they do certain things for you. What a good mother/father they are. When you notice something, allow yourself to savor the good feeling it gives you. If you look, you will find lots of things that make you feel good.

It’s important to note that this detox is intended primarily for your benefit, not your spouse’s. You don’t need to voice these positive observations to your spouse. The noticing helps to wean you off the negativity bias and rewires your brain to make you feel happier in general and with your spouse. When you feel happier as an individual and more positive towards your spouse, the relationship will automatically feel good and that leads to changes in other areas as well.

At the end of the month you may find that a few amazing things happened:

1.You and your spouse feel more loving, appreciative and happier with each other. Lots of what you thought were big issues may have disappeared. Many of the issues may not have been a big deal. The negativity bias loves drama. It makes a mountain out of a molehill.

2. The marriage is now ripe for more growth in the areas that need change. By detoxing from the negativity bias, you have cultivated the feeling of “I love you, can you do this for me?”. That feeling is the fuel of change.

_______________________________

Chaim Moshe Steinmetz LISW is a psychotherapist in private practice and provides in person and telehealth therapy for a variety of issues. Visit Chaimmoshesteinmetz.com to get a free guide to “ Amino Acid Therapy for rapid relief of Anxiety, Insomnia and Stress”