In the season of report cards and PTA’s as well as acceptance and yes, rejections, I find it extremely important to write an open letter to all parents and teachers of our wonderful town. My child came home with a report card that was in total contrast to the amount of assignments written and the amount of times sent out of class. A student that misbehaves doesn’t receive an A in behavior. Why do Teachers and Rebbeim feel that a child’s behavior is a bad reflection on them? As a bochur learning in Eretz Yisroel I knew someone that spent his days in bed. His parents had no clue because his PAID chavrusas were giving glowing reports!! The opposite is also true, why do parents feel that they need to cover up for their children?
Problems DO NOT disappear. Contrary to popular belief, it has been proven time and time again that if your child is struggling in his learning or behavior or has any other difficulty, as he/she grows the problem grows with them. The number one rule is HONESTY. You are killing a child if you cover up his flaws. Of course we are not talking about reporting every petty incident, but the general picture should be as honest as possible. There are cases that we have seen that parents blame the school for their failing child when they have refused the schools recommendation for remedial services. We also have cases where the school has covered up a child’s inability to grasp certain skills or behavioral issues and only when the problem is out of control and sometimes beyond that do they bring it to the attention of the parents. It is a fatal flaw to cover up a potentially disastrous situation where the child’s self-confidence is at stake, where the child’s future is at stake and where the problem can be solved with usually a few simple steps.
I beg of you, don’t hurt our children. Don’t stand there and say “my child, it can’t be” or “a student in our school? That can’t be”. It could be and it is happening and we Boruch Hashem have the tools today to deal with almost all of these problems. You may be thinking that if your student or child behaves improperly or has certain shortcomings that it is a reflection on your school or your family. You are right. If you let it go untreated or if you leave even one stone unturned to help that child then you are not doing all you can for your child and reflects on what type of person you are. It is difficult but we can’t fool ourselves. If we are worried what people will say then we should think about what they will say in 5-10 years when the child is Chas V’sholom going through a much more profound problem. Whether you are the Mechanech/es or parent, the Ribono Shel Oilam gave us these precious children, His children, your child or your student to take care of and just like Rachmono Litzlan if he had a medical crisis you wouldn’t leave a single stone unturned, the same should be in his/her education.
Our schools have to focus on what’s good for our children not what “they” will say. Who are the people opening Mosdos? Do they have any experience? Do they know what Chinuch is? As a prominent Godol once told me, “we need people to open schools, but we need qualified people to run them”. It’s nice to be a Rosh HaMosad but if you don’t know what you’re doing then try going into a business that you are qualified for. We know that any Mosad in town will flourish anyway because of the demand. Isn’t it time someone takes control of the situation? Instead of breathing a sigh of relief every time someone decides to open a school, shouldn’t we first see who it is? What experience do they have? My point is not to knock Roshei Mosdos, I think they are out on the front lines and are under immense pressure to meet budget’s, deal with boards who don’t give any money but have a lot of criticism, are always the bad ones for not taking “me”!! How could they not take me! But, if the Hatzlocho of every single student is not on the top of their mind at every turn, they are in the wrong business.
So, parents and teachers, deans and board members, stay focused of the responsibility you accepted by taking on your respective roles. You are the advocate for this child. Your child cannot advocate for him/herself. Listen to what they are saying and do something. The child’s or student’s shortcoming is NOT a reflection of yourself or your teaching skills. Please be honest and don’t shy away from your responsibility.
May the Ribono Shel Oilam grant us all Hatzlocho with our children and students and they should all follow in the deredch Hayoshor forever.
I have no idea what you are trying to say in this article.
I hope you have enough sence to send your child to a school where the “Rosh Hamosed”or/and Boared hires a Menahel with many years of experiance
Ok- I will leave my opinion, and then tell you how I arrived at it.
The letter writter has had significant issues as a child in school which he/she has not shed. Hence, through those lenses his/her world is viewed.
As for any issues raised in the above letter – it only affects the one raising them, and that writer is seeking direction and perhaps a way to portray him/herself to the world.
I know this from clues left in the writing such as the following quotes:
A: “I find it extremely important to write an open letter to all parents and teachers of our wonderful town.”
In other words: – Attention everybody- I need your opinion.
B: ” My child came home with a report card that was in total contrast…”
C: “As a bochur learning in Eretz Yisroel I knew someone that spent his days in bed. His parents had no clue because his PAID chavrusas were giving glowing reports!!”
D: “The opposite is also true, why do parents feel that they need to cover up for their children?”
E: “There are cases that we have seen that parents blame the school for their failing child when they have refused the schools recommendation for remedial services.”
F: “We also have cases where the school has covered up a child’s inability to grasp certain skills or behavioral issues and only when the problem is out of control and sometimes beyond that do they bring it to the attention of the parents.”
The letter writer is telling us about himself. he is describing himself and his life. Not a friend, not a chavruse, not a child. just himself.”
This all fits in with the fact that the letter writer has laden the entire content with extremely strong personal opinions, and entirely emotional structures of reasoning and syntax- all factual only in his/her own mind – but not necessarily true or accurate: For Instance:
G: “A student that misbehaves doesn’t receive an A in behavior. Why do Teachers and Rebbeim feel that a child’s behavior is a bad reflection on them?”
H: “Problems DO NOT disappear. Contrary to popular belief, it has been proven time and time again that if your child is struggling in his learning or behavior or has any other difficulty, as he/she grows the problem grows with them. ”
I: “The number one rule is HONESTY. You are killing a child if you cover up his flaws. Of course we are not talking about reporting every petty incident, but the general picture should be as honest as possible.”
J: It is a fatal flaw to cover up a potentially disastrous situation where the child’s self-confidence is at stake, where the child’s future is at stake and where the problem can be solved with usually a few simple steps.
I can go on throughout the entire letter- however- I think you catch the drift- see how much else you can detect in the letter.
I do believe however that one sentence can really help this letter writer, and perhaps all of us: Please be honest and don’t shy away from your responsibility.
I think instead of broadcasting your life’s struggles, you should contact a care giver, a rov, rebbi, teacher, and ask them for guidance.
Thank you.
you are 100% right as a father the husban & son of teachers & a rabbe this chouldnt have ben said better
MY SON was in a prestigious school, that has been around for a long, long time. He was labled since primary as a trouble maker and a poor student. This label stayed with him through the grades. Yet he would come home with straight a’s and alephs. When I had yet another meeting with the menahel, I pointed this out to him and he told me straight out that the report card grades mean nothing. So there ya have it. This was out of the mouth of a very well known menhael. I however, took my son out of that school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
s a former English teacher in two Lakewood schools, I wholeheartedly agree with this problem. But the article says that we have tools to deal with it and that is completely untrue.
When I taught, the reason why I would “modify” the reality was because nobody wanted to hear the truth. When you call a parent time after time to discuss a child’s behavior and what you can do to address it, and you only meet with evasive responses like “he must have forgotten to eat his lunch” or “have you tried offering him an incentive?” it leads to the inevitable conclusion that the parents are not going to help address the problem. Then when you give the kid a bad grade, the parents inevitably call up to complain about the grade, rather than calling to address the behavior issues.
The fact of the matter is that you can tell which parents care by the way the kid behaves. It presents a chicken/egg problem – do parents get burned out because their children have been making trouble for such a long time, or do parents who don’t care lead to children who misbehave?
Beyond the parents, what tools do we have to address behavior issues? Trailers? They were a joke in both schools that I taught in. The kids who went to trailers were either walking around in the room, waiting for their session to start, or they were on the playground. Whenever my class had a break, the kids from the trailers were also wandering around outside.
What happens when a kid is a chronic misbehaver to the point that he can’t stay in the room anymore? He just stays outside the room. Do the self contained classrooms address things any differently? I saw less of those than trailers and nosh but it seemed to me like the same things in smaller groups.
One last disagreement that I have is the claim that it is not the teachers’ fault. I can only speak for myself, but I know that I was a much better teacher the fourth year I taught than I was the first, and the behavior of the class reflected that. I can only conclude that by preparing teachers better for the classroom, behavior can be better addressed.
The only way that a child’s behavior can be improved is through all of the parties working together toward a common goal. A child who is faced with enforcement by a rebbi but whose parents look the other way will not improve much. A child who is sent out because his rebbi just can’t deal with him, and is put to work arranging books in the library will not improve much. A child who misbehaves during English but is allowed to go on trips awarded by his rebbi for mishnayos baal peh will not improve much. But until everyone cares about the same things at the same time, behavior will not improve, and teachers will lie on report cards.
Please do not moderate this comment out.
attention joe #3 Yossi A. You are full of balogna. The writer hit the nail on the head. I have heard from veteran mechanchim in town that they are not allowed to be honest on report cards. I know of a case where a menahel threatened to fire a teacher for telling the truth on the report cards claiming “the parents aren’t used to this. Can’t you tone things down a little”. My son came home with an A in a subject he knew he only deserved a D in and was shouting abouth the report card “this is such a lie”. The reasons for this are a few.
1.) the mossad has a reputation to uphold and it doesn’t look good if all the kids aren’t doing great.
2.) the rebbe/teacher has a job they need to keep
3.) parents accuse the rebbe/teacher of not knowing what they are doing if their child doesn’t make the grade (it’s called living in denial)
4.) everyone else in town is doing it.
Perhaps we should put out a report card on every teacher and mossad in town with Honest grades and see who really stacks up. It’s long over due that someone blows the wistle on this conduct which is anti-chinuch.
to the author & everyone else
we have as a major problem in todays society (yidden or not) . & its called FACING REALITY.
whenever tragedy strikes or theres a big issue, the person blocks it from his face & convinces himself not to apply the message to him,so that we can just continue our fancy & happy lavish life.
first WE ALL need to admit to ourselves that i have a issue/problem here, then we need to work on solving it. BUT %80 of solving it, is each person admitting to the problems he has.
Hatzlacha to everyone
If a kid is a terror at school, they will display that behavior at home. Parents are refusing to see things in reality. Go to any grocery store and watch the parents interact with these wild kids, jumping on shopping carts, screaming, grabbing nosh, running up and down the aisles. It sounds like parents are looking to blame the schools for their childs bad behavior “well, i was not told he is a trouble maker”
i dont know about now adays in lkwd but i was in an out of town school an they were very honest on the report cards an i remember getting “it over the head” at home. when my parents got it they would go threw it with me , it was embaressing
i start off by the pta. please tell me the honest truth & how is he relative to the class.
it sometimes feels like i’m pulling teeth 🙁
Joe you don’t have a clue as to what you are talking about. You are trying to come across as a deep thinker who can read into the author’s mind. You can’t do any such thing, and you prove that you are clueless about how the chinuch system works.
Having taught for many years, I know first hand that what the writer is saying is 100% true. The reason why teachers first have to write the report cards on a rating sheet, is so that the principal can go over each one and tell the teacher what he can and can’t write. If something is ‘too truthful’, it is crossed out and replaced by something a liitle bit more ‘sugar coated’ (lies).
It comes down to the fact that MOST (I didn’t say all) parents just can not believe that their tzadik’le can do anything wrong.
The writer is right, and this can be a wake-up call for dream world parents who think that everything is ok to start being reality parents and check out if those ‘great marks’ on your childrens report card real or fake.
Gedolei Yisroel from previous generations held its permissible to lie & inflate grades if that will be mechazek the talmud to learn & stay part of the system. There are unfortunately a lot of parents who would abuse & gravely discipline their children if they weren’t reaching a standard they expected of them
I dunno what the problem is. My sons were in yeshiva ketana , my daughters in Bnos Yaakov & Oros, I never got a glossy report card undeserved. The subject they passed, they got A’s, failed they got F’s; if they behaved they got VG by behavior, if not, they didn’t. If this is an issue, just ignore the report card. DB.
As someone in TODAYS chinvch I can say that in my experience with the Lakewood chinvch this hasn’t EVER been the case! Its true I don’t work in every school and therefore can’t know first hand what goes on in every school, but in my experience this hasn’t been the case. I wonder if the people who claim they worked in chinvch, workED in chinvch or are workING in chinvch. The chinvch today in Lakewood can’t even be compared with what it used to be, its that much better! So to sum it all up, its possible there is such a problem in one or two schools, but in the experience I’ve had this is just not the case. In regard to parents facing the reality, that is a BIG problem, but an open letter wont change that.
#13 specifically which gedolei yisroel are you talking about? I know HaRav Aron kotler ZTL and Yakov Kaminetsky ZTL were both makpid gamur on emes. Midvar Sheker Tirchak is not an option it is a commandment.
not really sure of your point. But in any event, if you have a concern, I’m sure there’ s a logical explanation. I’m a teacher. Sometimes a child during the week that we are doing report cards had such a great week , that I felt he deserved an A. And similiarly , sometimes a good kid acts like a brat during report card week and…..
I think Joe can be correct & still we have to deal with this in SOME Yeshivos. However I have children in various Mosdos & I get a pretty honest report from allof them so I have never exp. this. Tip: do some true thorough research on a mosad before you chose one, and not to just send to what is in or popular!!!
The only thing I can say is don’t send your kids to public schools then because they get the grades they deserve but also the teachers don’t care for the kids at all. If there is a child who has special needs they are just shoved into a special ED class with other kids jumping off the walls and screaming when that’s not your child’s need or they are just or they are left in mainstream classes where they will fail because they get no help because Lakewood public schools don’t try as hard to make the children succeed.
#7 for real…. Just curious why you would think that Joe is Yossi A. – I am Yossi A. and I go with a different blog name but Joe on post #3 is not me and the post is not written by me.
Self esteem is the ikkar!
vhaikkar vihakkar lo lifached lo lifached bah!!! lol!! let’s c if this changing the subject works!!!