My eyes refocus on the screen of my phone. All I see is white.. and so much sparkle. It’s as if there is an aura emanating from every surface. Could this be some fairytale land far far away? Perhaps it’s a set on a reality show. It certainly seems like it. It is like nothing I have ever experienced. You see, my kitchen doesn’t glow or sparkle. The countertops are usually hidden under pots, pans and coffee mugs. The sinks are piled high with this week’s dishes. And I ask… what is wrong with me?

Pastel pink, baby blue, lemon yellow, creamy white. The patterns are mesmerizing. Beautiful soft folds with gentle peaks and valleys. As far as the eye can stretch this pattern repeats itself flawlessly. Is this a scene from a cancun sunset? Maybe it is a majestic mountainous landscape in the alps? It certainly seems like it. It is like nothing I have ever experienced. You see, my drawers are not filled with coordinated colors perfectly folded Marie Kondo style. My clothes often don’t even make it to the drawers. And I ask… why am I so different?

Her lips are moving. I see them moving. She is definitely sharing something important. But there’s a fascinating conversation happening behind me that grabs my attention. And the music.. it’s so loud. My ears are ringing. And my shaitel is itching. Oh, I wish I could rip it off! Speaking of shaitels, I really need to send mine in to be washed for the Bar Mitzvah this week. Oh, and I must pick up that candy dish for our host. What is that smell.. ew, fish. I can’t stand the smell of fish. Oh no, she’s asking me what I think and I haven’t heard a word she just said. I’m such a horrible friend.

If you are neurodivergent, you likely can relate to these scenarios. Life can feel overwhelming as the daily demands are relentless. But the struggle it’s not just about never being able to keep up. It’s also about feeling shame, feeling different and worst of all, feeling alone.

Neurodivergence is the term used to describe how very diverse our human brains are. Someone who is “neurotypical” tends to have a brain that develops and meets milestones according to textbook “norms”. A neurodivergent person’s brain generally falls on extreme ends of the bell curve of what is considered typical.

Many neurodivergent people struggle with their executive functioning skills. These skills are housed in the frontal lobe and ensure that our behaviors match up to achieve our goals. Our executive functions act like a conductor in a symphony orchestra. It ensures that things are running smoothly and in a coordinated fashion. Someone who struggles with executive functioning has a conductor that is asleep or hasn’t shown up at all. No wonder it’s such a struggle to keep up with the demands of life.

Some of our executive functions include attention regulation, emotional regulation, time management, working memory, sensory processing and organization. These skills are vital to keep a home running smoothly and to manage the daily care tasks of life. Our time based and overscheduled culture makes it very challenging for the neurodivergent person to feel successful. Compounding that with images of perfection from social media, magazines and mundane conversations about other people’s accomplishments can be soul crushing.

If you are neurodivergent, the first step to healing is to understand why your brain behaves the way it does. Familiarizing yourself with your executive functions and how they influence behavior is a key component to growth. Surrounding yourself with other neurodivergent people can create a sense of community in an otherwise lonely world. Learning strategies that work with your brain will help you become more productive. Focusing on function, instead of “insta-ready” goals is key to meeting markers for success. And finally, being choosy about who you follow on social media and what you read is vital for maintaining good mental health.

People who are neurodivergent tend to be creative and out-of-the-box thinkers. They are the entrepreneurs and artists of the world. When they learn to recognize their strengths and work with their brains instead of against them, they will find that they play an important role in the Frum world. One that they need not be ashamed of, but can embrace wholeheartedly.

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Hadassah Eventsur is an Occupational Therapist with over 20 years of experience and a Certified Life Coach. She is a regular contributor to the Mishpacha Magazine and a speaker on the topic of Neurodivergence in Frum Women. She is currently working on creating support and educational groups for Frum women who struggle with executive functioning. She can be contacted at: [email protected]
@mindfully__you. Mindfullyyou.org