By: Avi Aaron. As Yom Kippur closes in on us we hastily rush about our last minute preparations. Kaporos, tashlich, lots of tzedakah and the intensification of our prayers. Before we know it we will be thrust into the holiest of days. The seudah hamafsekes comes along; it’s just moments now. We can already hear the strains of the ancient kol nidrei melody ringing in our ears as we dash off to shul. Then, Yom Kippur commences with all of our ardent yearnings and hopes for forgiveness.
But one second. Not so fast! Yom Kippur, with all its holiness and awesomeness, will atone for most of our sins, but not all. There are many sins that Yom Kippur won’t touch. Sins like gossip, slander, biting criticism, humiliation… you get the idea.
All of the effort you will put into your Yom Kippur repentance won’t erase the gossip.
All the tears, fasting and self affliction won’t wipe out the hurtful words.
All the agonizing hours spent in shul pouring out your heart to Hashem won’t alleviate the damage done to another’s feelings.
Atonement for these sins can only be gained by requesting forgiveness from those we have hurt. The reason is simple yet fundamental. We must understand that part of our relationship with Hashem is the relationship between ourselves and our fellow Jews. The two are inseparable. Bona-fide Torah observance doesn’t allow for the railroading and trampling of individuals, notwithstanding any so called lofty goals.
The Gemara tells us that one of the questions the Angel of Death asks at the moment of death is, “Did you treat your friend royally?” He doesn’t use the terminology “Did you allow your friend to co-exist with you.” No, he uses the words “treat your friend royally.” This is because we are all princes and princesses in God’s royal family and deserve to be treated as such.
Time to Get Over It
The following true story brings the lesson of Yom Kippur home in a most poignant way.
Shmulik was having a lousy morning. He had just had an extremely heated argument with his wife which he concluded by walking out and slamming the door of his West Bank home. Rivka, his wife, was visibly hurt and pained.
Fifteen minutes later the phone rang. “Hi Rivka, its Shmulik. I’m heading into the tunnel and I just wanted to say that I love you and I’m so sorry for what happened before.”
Why the sudden change of face?
In years past there have been numerous sniper attacks in or around the tunnel Shmulik was referring to. People started calling it the “Tunnel of Love” because when you enter the dreaded tunnel, you realize what’s really important in life. It suddenly dawns upon you that there really isn’t anything worth fighting over. Your fervent wish is to make it out alive and see your loved ones again, because after all is said and done nothing matters more than your relationships with the people in your life.
Yom Kippur is a tunnel of sorts. At this riveting moment we are begging and cajoling Hashem for the gift of life and all its necessities. In return we promise to start making things right.
Well here’s one place you can start.
Pick up the phone and call that person that you haven’t been on speaking terms with. Ask forgiveness from those you have hurt and offended. Make up with your neighbor, ex-business associate or old classmate. Tell your mom, dad, brother, sister, spouse, kids or in-laws how much you love them and care about them. Because after all is said and done other things don’t matter much.
If you don’t have the opportunity before Yom Kippur to call and ask forgiveness, then read Tefillas Zaakah and cry and beg Hashem to help you find favor in the eyes of those you wronged.
Forgive with a full heart those who have mistreated you. Promise to call them after Yom Kippur to personally ask for forgiveness and have them in mind in your davening.
May we all be blessed with the best year of our lives!
* Malicious libel
* If the one who causes harm has no intention to stop (Echta V’ashuv)
* Actions that cause a loss of money
* Actions that alter the course of the victim’s life……..
The victim does NOT have to grant mechila to the one who caused the harm until he/she is made whole again.
what about keeping kids out of school?
as we go to shul to ask h-shem for forgiveness the principals of all the school should think about all the children who are not in school yet because of them
What if you gathered up the courage to call someone to ask mechilah and they didn’t even want to talk to you? I think the wrong is in their court. Especially since they didn’t even want to hear me out. The minute the person heard it was me they said I can’t talk now. Yeah, right. You just want to simmer in your own juices and imagine you were wronged by me for the rest of your life. What if I’m sorry anyway that you perceived I wronged you? You’ll never really know where I stand with regard to you, but you will always imagine I’m some sort of hateful person. If that makes you happy.
Anonymous #1, you are plain wrong. ‘Not having to’ grant mechila? A person at least should give someone the courtesy of trying to mend the bad feelings. If you refuse to hear someone out and be open to let go of your hatred, then how is anything going to be ‘made whole again’?
Well, I will add my two cents.
My daughter is in middle of a devorce. The other side is doing their best to hurt us plus demanding a huge sum of money which according to Halacha doesn’t belong to them. My choice is either to wait it out and suffer or just to pay their extortion. I am not mochel them and I plan to exclude them in my tefilas zaka.
I never knew people could be so wicked especially when it’s somebody that has a position in a Yeshiva.
I would just like to add, my Rabonnim told be just to mevater, and I will be ahead, other wise I would never give in to blackmail and extortion.
a day of judgement,hashem judges all of us,thank you,leah katzand we all ask forgiveness fromeveryone.
Will we be forgiven for watching our fellow yiden that go thru sleepless nights knowing their child is not in school?? Even though we are not the principals….R we sitting back feeling comfortable just because our kids r in?? We r responsible for every single yid. If the klall really cared, we would not be sending our kids to school until every neshoma is placed in a school
to # 9 very well said if only people didn’t only care about themselves then your idea would work. unless your child is in this situation then people really don’t care about others going through it. its pretty sad but true