There is only one cause of divorce, and it’s not what you think.
If you ask your friends, parents, neighbors, or coworkers this question, I suspect you will get a string of answers:
· Problems with raising children
· Money problems
· Religion
· In-laws
I don’t think any of those are true.
While all of these may be issues in a marriage, none of them are significant causes of divorce. There is only one major cause of divorce today—fighting.
Now, you may say, “Clearly, a couple that gets divorced is going to be fighting. But isn’t it the issues that cause the fights? It’s the question of how we discipline the children, or how we spend our money, or how we deal with your parents, that causes all the bickering.”
But that’s not correct.
It’s not the issues that cause fights. It’s how the couple deals with the issues that defines their relationship. In many very successful marriages, the couple has differences over major issues.
Irreconcilable differences
Studies show that 70% of successful, longstanding marriages have irreconcilable differences. An irreconcilable difference is a major life issue where he needs one thing, she needs another, and there is no possible compromise. If she wants to send the children to a Chassidishe school, and he wants them brought up Litvish, you can’t compromise and have the kids running around with curly payos on one side. There is no solution that will satisfy both of them. And these issues never go away. They remain part of a couple’s life throughout their marriage. Yet despite the existence of this kind of disparity, most happily married couples are able to create a longstanding, harmonious union.
Even more eye-opening, studies show that about a third of all the issues that couples fight about, big or small, have no compromise position. It’s either your parents’ house for the Seder or mine. We can paint the living room green or blue, but mixing the two isn’t an option. Yet despite these differences, many couples are able to maintain a loving, happy relationship.
Because two mature, reasonable people can figure out a way to deal with most anything that life throws at them. Sometimes my way, sometimes your way, but we’re in this together and we’ll work it out. And if we can’t, there are always plenty of people who are older and wiser to guide us.
That’s the key: as long as we’re in this together. As long as we’re partners, working together.
What’s the secret to maintaining that sense of togetherness?
Predicting divorce
Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, spent thirty years studying couples in depth. He has developed a method to predict whether a couple will divorce, and he is right 94% of the time.
His method is simple. He asks a couple to come to his “lab” and he studies their interactions very carefully. He asks them to have a discussion about three issues in their marriage: one neutral, one mutually pleasing, and at least one flash point—something they find themselves often disagreeing about. While these discussions are happening, he monitors the emotional responses of the couple.
He’s looking for one particular reaction: Contempt.
Contempt is not quite hatred, not quite anger; it’s the rolling of the eyes, that “What’s wrong with you” look that many couples exhibit. Dr. Gottman explains that if he sees a ratio of more than one reaction of contempt to five reactions of approval, the marriage is in danger. Unless they do something to change their relationship, it is almost certain to fail.
Contempt is such a clear indicator of a marriage in jeopardy because it’s the opposite of love. And love is vital for a marriage. When there is love in a marriage, the couple is tolerant, accepting, and forgiving of each other. Little things don’t bother them. They know about each other’s flaws, but it’s okay. They are friends, so they look out for each other, and they compensate for the shortcomings of their spouse. That doesn’t mean they won’t have issues and struggles; they will, that’s just a part of life. They will also disagree and maybe even fight. But they are one unit, together facing the challenges of life. They adjust to one another and somehow work out all the challenges that life sends their way.
If, however, the love in the marriage starts to weaken, things unravel quickly. The natural forgiveness and tolerance disappears. The couple begins to annoy each other and get on each other’s nerves. Pretty soon each one feels they are being wronged, and they belittle each other (either aloud or just in their head). Under these circumstances, they see their spouse’s flaws everywhere they look. Before long they start carping, complaining, and criticizing, and become very difficult to live with. At this point everything is an issue, from who takes out the garbage to who pays the bills to what time we leave… Life will provide an endless stream of things to fight about, and fight they will.
The success or failure of a marriage pivots on this one issue—a bond of love. If the basic climate of the marriage is love, then even flaws are viewed in the context of love. He’s a good guy. Granted, he has flaws, he does things that I prefer he didn’t—but he’s still a good guy. If the love in a marriage starts to wane, then you start hearing things like, “He’s a creep! He never does anything right. And the one time he did do something right, it was for the wrong reason and in the wrong way!”
When a relationship hits that point, it doesn’t matter how aligned the couple is in their thinking, goals, and aspirations.Without love, squabbling and bickering is inevitable, they will grow further and further apart, the downward spiral will only worsen, and unless they correct their course, their marriage is doomed.
In short, the success or failure of a marriage depends on the love in the relationship. That doesn’t mean that they will always be madly, passionately in love, and it doesn’t mean they won’t have ups and downs. It means that if the emotional connection is strong, they can weather all storms and manage whatever life throws at them. But if the love weakens, they are in trouble.
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Rabbi Bentzion Shafier is the founder of TheShmuz.com, a life-changing mussar shiur that is available on TorahAnytime, The Shmuz Podcast and The Shmuz App. His newest book release, The Ten Really Dumb Mistakes That Very Smart Couples Make, is available on TheShmuz.com and your local Jewish bookstore.
The opposite of love is not hate it is…. Indifference!
Additionally, of the leading causes of divorce in our circles r’l is so called,experts who operate under the title of asskanim, therapists, Rabbi’s etc….
Healthy couples who find themselves in discord,should recognize that it’s not abnormal and cause for divorce. Divorce will not afford either a better life and will have irreversible effect on the children.
To those who are ready to pounce exclaiming that I don’t make mention of those extreme however uncommon cases of real physical or mental abuse, take a deep breath! I’m not suggesting that such cases don’t exist, however thankfully they are the exception not the norm.
May the oseh sholom b’mromov be oseh sholom alienu v’al kol yisroel
I pretty much agree with the above commentator.
Dr Josh Gottman’s methods do work even for frum couples.
Rav Shach, Z”L said that if the young couple would go for 4-5 years to an out of town kolel, they would be bigger Talmedei Chachomim, less Shalom Bayis issues, less financial issues, it would save Yahidus in America, etc.
The one ingredient for Marriage and even for a Shiduch, is ‘Vitur’. Just give in. And don’t hold the ground. The consequences are far worse.
Nothing will destroy a marriage surer and sooner than contemp.
Excuse me – contempt
For most healthy couples divorce isn’t an option on their mind, even when they get into arguments. Rav Avigdor Miller often said never to mention the word “Get” in a house.
I think one could talk about improving Shalom Bayis without planting the seeds of divorce in their readers minds.
Same goes with depression / happiness. The more we discuss these things the more they come up to the surface. No one would ask their child if they’d like to switch schools if they complain about their teacher here and there. Obviously there are times when these things need to be discussed in private though.
Spousal comparison may be a contributing factor.
From personal experience I can relate that there are therapists in town that encourage divorce when the marriage needs a skilled marriage counselor to help the couple get out of a rut and reboot their marriage with new skills and a new perspective. The cliche is true about these therapists.They have either been divorced themselves, or are in highly dysfunctional marriages, or they totally dominate their spouse to the point that their spouse having very little say in the workings of their family.As a therapist they feel that their spouse can’t ever actually have a perspective they haven’t thought of.They treat their own spouses with no respect for their own life experiences and with a general attitude of contempt for their opinion.Sadly, there is a growing group of these women,
(unfortunately,it’s women therapists that have caused this divorce plague in our town)who have split up many families in our town. The more seasoned therapists are appalled by their destructive and know it all attitude.They are contemptuous of Rabbonim that question their judgement and methods to divide families.They wave their degree and experience of a few short years,mostly with part time work,with very little supervision, as much more experienced than these Rabbonim and sholom bayis counselors,that have actually been doing this successfully for decades.
It has gotten to the point that the therapist need not have much experience with marriage issues.They feel they can apply their ” trained analysis” on anything and come to a sound and right conclusion. One common thread amongst all these social workers is that they almost never reconsider their initial opinion, no matter what emerges.They seem to think that admitting the case is more nuanced then they originally thought, is a sign that they are not all knowing, and that must be avoided at all cost.They are quick to pull the plug on a marriage and have been known to not have a professional distance from their client. Instead they become friends and confidents of their clients, and loosely sharing their own experiences and struggles and thereby bonding over their perceived common life experiences.They whatsapp each and text each other at all times of the day or night like two friends, instead of a client therapist professional relationship. Seasoned professionals are appalled by the general lack of professional distance shown by many of our towns social workers. They seem to have a lot of ” transferance” in their therapy.
This is a term used when the therapist injects their own issues and reactions to them, into the therapy with their client, and influences their clients reactions. This is not therapy,as the therapist needs to be like a blank slate with none of their own experiences leaking through.Because it’s all about the clients experiences and feelings and triggers. Many of our towns social workers seem to be using their clients as a way to work through their own issues and in so doing comingle their life struggles with their clients, and by doing this lose their ability to help them.Any resentment or disappointment they have experienced in their current marriage or failed marriage, is brought to their clients marriage and they see themselves as avenging any wrong they feel was done to them, by punishing and villifying a different person ( whom they identify as the stand in for their ex) and work through their own unresolved anger and feelings of not bring treated justly, by being the person that cracks down on someone they feel triggers some of the old hurts and anger.However, this is why a therapist/social worker needs to work extremely hard with supervision gor many years, not to let such a situation occur, or else they will inevitably harm their clients, and cause a lot of destruction. This is the source of much of the breakups of marriages in Lakewoid currently.
Spot on! I went to therapy for way too long, and same story. Lady therapist was pushing for divorce; very dictator-like person who does not bend or listen to a man. This nonsense has gotten way too far and it must stop. Rubashkin on his chanukah mesiba, which was featured in tls, spoke against therapy.
Time to start living and stop listening to these people.
Did he say Dr Gottman says more than one “roll of the eyes” for every 5 approvals is a danger sign ?
No way.
Sorry.
I have 5 “roll of the eyes” for every 1 approval and we’re going strong.
There are obviously 2 types of ‘rolling of the eyes’.
Type A.
With contempt. A loveless and mean-spirited gesture, calculated to make your spouse feel small, dumb and irrelevant.
Type B.
A loving and harmless gesture, in place of a hopeless sigh, sharing and reminiscing with your spouse once again, how each of you is eternally of a different mind, and will never quite think the same way. It is an expression of gentle protest against his/her opposition to your way of thinking. This type of ‘rolling of the eyes’ can end in a laugh or a hug, not in hurt or anger.
I hope there is a sequel to this post.
Why is there contempt? why are there no feelings of love? You can’t create love like a rabbit out of a hat.
A local Rov who specializes in sholom bayis has stated that many of the couples he meets state that they never felt compatible from the start, there never was any love. A top marriage therapist has concurred that she’s meeting couples who never felt attracted to each other from the chasunah.
Something is going wrong with our dating process if people are committing their entire lives to each other without knowing if they a compatible.
Better research needs to be done before a couple gets engaged.
There’s a memrah from Rav Dessler that Ahavah comes from the word Hav, giving. some people have taken this vort to an extreme which Rav Dessler never meant. Rav Dessler never meant that you can overlook a certain level of excitement of being with the other person, or that you should ignore certain things that annoy you about them.
We need to do a better job preparing people how to date, we need better post-engagement advice, & better post-marriage advice before a negative spiral takes hold.
John Gottman claims he can figure out in 10 minutes if a Non Jewish couple will divorce, he doesn’t claim he knows how to stop the divorce from happening.
I’m waiting for the sequel…