VIDEO: Shidduch Crisis by the Numbers – R’ Yisroel Licthenstein Presents the Message that was 5 years in the Making

shidduch crisisVIDEO: R’ Yisroel Lichtenstein used blocks to present the Shidduchim Crisis issue to many of the Rabbonim signed on the recent Kol Koira, asking boys to begin dating at a younger age.

The video gives “explanation of why so many girls are currently remaining single, and what you can to do stop the problem from continuing to devastate the Litvish/Yeshivish communities in North America,” Reb Lichtenstein said.

R’ Lichtenstein told TLS, “You can now see the message that we worked on forĀ five years to convince Klal Yisroel to change.”

[TLS]
KPICASA_GALLERY(Shidduch#)

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16 COMMENTS

  1. He’s right that the age gap is a problem. He’s wrong that the age gap is the main problem. I was a shadchan for over 10 yrs. By the time I was done, I had 120 normal, looking-for-learning type girls on my list and 17 boys. #1- Approx 90% of girls coming out of HS or Sem want a learning boy, in our circles, but, on the boys side the percentage is alot less. #2 – by Chasidim, you can have a very nice yungerman driving a truck; we see them in the grocery stores in town. They marry very nice, normal, frum girls. In our circles, not one, NOT ONE frum nice girl is marrying a guy who will ever EVER in his drive a truck. Ever. #3 Ask any shadchan who’s been in this field for several years about crazy stories of why ppl, from either side, have said no. We have a therapy crisis. There’s more to be said on this topic. Not here. Not now. May all those looking find their bashert quickly and easily.

  2. The Gomorah brings that famous Chazal that HKBH calls out each persons Shidduch 40 days BEFORE the child is born. So no one will take someone else Shidduck and each person’s Shidduch is guaranteed.

    So why is the Shidduch so allusive? I was BHrecently zocheh to marry off my son. My son is a regular normal boy. Of the 20 or so suggested shidduchi, we said yes to about 15. Of these 15, 13 girls said NO, because my son wanted to continue his learning in EY, and the girls did not want to go to EY!! Now these very same girls will say that there is a SHidduch crisis, and they will be correct. They are correct, there is a crisis, but not with finding a Shidduch, but with the girl or her mother’s expectation.

    A similar case. A family that has medical issues, and other girl’s in the family have pregnancy problems. They have a wonderful daughter. She went out, and the boy told her after 5 dates that he wanted to live in EY. This 21 year old girl said NO!! – One year later, the very same Shidduch came up again. Now the girl was 22! What was the first question? Yes, you guessed it, does the boy still want to go to EY? BH some sechel set in and today they are Chosen and Kala.

    My Gedolim told me before I started the Shidduch Pasha for my children, what I should look for. The boy has to be a Mentch. They all said the very same thing. How can you tell HKBH what your Shiduch has to have. If HKBH sends you a name, there is a reason for it. Have Bitochon, and your children will all go easily.

    I will end with one Ma’asse that happened personally with me with HaRav Shah, TZ”L. I had a relative who was a BY girl, from a wonderful family. The family said YES to a boy who would learn for 2 years. I was young and idealistic. I was quite upset. I went with the girl’s father to Rav Shah, ZT”L, to find out if he did the correct thing to say yes. He asked two questions. 1) Is he a Mentch (the answer was unequivocally YES!. 2) Does he wear Tefillin? – He said that the worst thing was for a girl to become older and if the boy has good Middos and wears Tefillin, everything else will work out. BH the shidduch was done, and the Husband is a true working Ben Torah that most people would envy.

    The Shidduch crisis is really and EGO crisis, that is self inflicted, and we are asking the world to pity us for our own egoistic desires.

    Yes, there are some who have no Shidduchim Ret. However, many people would be far more inclined to REt these shidduchim, if there was a reasonable chance that the girl would actually say yes!

  3. I have to agree with #1 my wife and I redd shidduchim on an amateur level. Mothers of boys are so clueless about who their own son is. She breaks out in hives when asked “what does the girl bring to the table” as if their plain boy is a star. Also the tedious unimportant questions they ask made my wife rename it to “Mother-of-boys crisis”.

  4. Its time to collect some hard core data to analyze. Lets hire a talented frum statistician to create a 10 year study. It can be done. Have every 12 grader girl and bochur categorize thenselves as yeshivish, modern etc. and login and update once a year for 10 years or until they are married. We would learn a lot!!

  5. To Chaim says.
    Reb Chaim,
    I humbly want to point out to you what I think is miguided about your comments.

    You sound surprised that girls does not want to go to EY.
    There are very few opportunities for a girl to earn a living in EY.
    Are you footing the bill for the young couple.
    Or you want the girl and her family to be Moser Nefesh for your son?
    In that case, parents of boys are perpetuating the crisis by telling Hashem, I will get my son married but only if the girl comes with $$$$$ Unlike our forefathers who were NOT Machshiv Torah.

    You conradict yoursef twice!
    Firstly, I qoute you, ” How can you tell HKBH what your Shiduch has to have.” But you are!!!
    You are insisting that the girl and her family support you son in EY!!!!

    Secondly, you wrote that a boy is fine if he is a Mentch and wears Tefillin. So why are you insistent that your son go to EY and be supported in an impossible situation?
    You are a good example of who are the ones that are causing the crisis.

  6. Jog a thon & Chaim & seriously are 100% right. The guy from Nasi always says: Im not a shadchan. Hes right , he’s not. Maybe h should try it for a few months. I used to dabble, years ago, in shidduchim. I now do much less. I have tens of story that can make u pull ur hair out. Especially older girls. I had a mother of a 38 yr old tell me her daughter wont go out with a boy over 43 !! Come ON !! Jog a Thon said it best: We have a therapy crisis. not a shidduch crisis. Im just afraid the age-gap conversatioin will take away from the real problem: Insane Moms.

  7. To jog a thon and Chaim c, you are right. It’s not a shidduch crisis. It’s a middos crisis. why are girls saying no so much? Girls have such crazy expectations, and the boy’s mothers think that they are marrying the girls.

  8. When you have a sytem where the first year 1200 girls enter shidduchim while at the same time only 1,000 bochurim enter shidduchim, you are going to have a problem with 200 girls. Next year, you have 1250 girls entering shidduchim while during that same time you have 1,050 boys entering shidduchim , you will have an additional problem with 200 more girls. In two short years you have a problem whereby 400 girls have no one to marry.
    These four hundred cannot marry because there is no one for them to marry. What the previous commentators are saying is that the girls that are too choosy (refuse to compromise) get left behind. That may very well be true. The point though is that 400 had to be left behind because of the age-gap induced crisis, and it just so happens that the choosier ones have a tendency to get left behind. But make no mistake about this. If every single girl blindly accepted the first shidduch offered, if the girls had zero criteria, and were not choosy at all, you would still have the same numbers remaining single.
    There is a reason why 90 Rabbonim signed a kol koreh for the boys to start younger. These Rabbonim are aware of how age-gap is the cause of the crisis. The Rabbonim requested that the boys start shidduchim at age 21 to prevent this problem from propagating to the next generation in ever greater numbers.
    The sooner we realize the nature of the problem and act on it, the sooner the problem will be solved. Blaming the girls, and denying the problem will help no one.

  9. I hate to tie the two big hocks together but I think its true. There is one common thread amoungst society that causes lots of shidduch crises and not getting into local schools. its the elitist problem. If we would solve our elitist problems both problems would be knocked in half.

  10. The problem is that seminarys brainwash the girls that u must marry a guy that is going to learn so every girl thinks to her self its the only option and they don’t know how much they are ruining it for themselves the girls themselves are creating the shidich krisis

  11. I watched the video. His calculations and percentages are off. (He adds 50 instead of a percentage)
    Also, taking info from one neighborhood or city without accounting for the rest is like saying that people only marry within their town, which is blatantly untrue. Another point to be made is that just because there is a 4 year difference in some shidduchim, doesn’t mean that all shidduchim have the same gap. So even though you’d like to up the ante and claim that 15 or 20% of girls won’t get married,that would be only if every single shidduch would have a 4 year gap.

  12. To # 13 Yes the number is percentage`s .We can`t continue to keep feeding the Shidduch Island with 15 PERCENT more girls than boys. Rachmona Litzlan those 15% are out there & have no one to get married to. Regardless of who marries whom & what age. The 15% just remain there, until we will change the age of starting shidduchim @ age 21.

  13. To #1 to #8 all of you mentioning individual cases. Please listen again to the video. If every year you are putting on shidduch island 15% more girls than boys, of course the demands of the boys are bigger. Just listen to Daas Torah & start redding shidduchim to the younger boys. So that the young ones will take the young ones. And the older will have to take the older. The boy that is behaving worse than Achashvayrosh (because he wants the prettiest & the $$$) will have to settle for whatever he can get. Be`Ezras Hashem the crisis will be over.

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