Avi was a nursing home administrator. All his employees loved him. He was a great boss, he was understanding, fair, and supportive, but never micromanaged them. At home, Avi tried his best too. Overall he was a great husband and father, but often Avi reacted in ways that frustrated him. If his kids didn’t listen to him, he would blow his top. He could not tolerate the disrespect. Avi knew that his reactions were not helping the situation. He tried to change but he found himself reacting the same way again and again. It bothered him and also confused him. Avi knew he was reacting as if he was a child. Why was he able to act so mature and responsible at work but not at home?
Without knowing it, Avi already knew the answer. Avi felt that he was reacting like a child. The truth is, he was. We are accustomed to thinking that our thought processes and feelings should align with our age. However, the brain doesn’t work that way. There is a part of the brain that thinks and feels in a way the reflects our current age. This part of the brain is called the prefontal cortex. The prefontal cortex does not fully develop until about age 25. Prior to that age, there are other parts of the brain (Limbic System) that are more active. These parts of the brain are more emotional, more reactive, and the thinking processes are not mature or very logical. Basically, its the child part of the brain. Even at age 25, the brain doesn’t delete all the old ways of thinking, feeling, and acting. It just adds another layer, what we call adulthood. The implications of this is that all of us have a brain that is part child, part adult.
Avi was a mature, thoughtful adult. However, as a kid, Avi would explode if anyone messed with him. He could not tolerate disrespect. As he grew, he developed and matured. However, that did not delete the child part of the brain, it just added a new file, a mature one. At work, Avi was able to use the “adult” part of his brain. However, when his kids didn’t listen, his brain automatically reverted into the limbic system of his brain, awakening the perspective, feelings and reactions of his 14 year old self. In the moment he was reacting, he actually was a child. Avi’s brain was not functioning as an adult.
For Avi to change his reactions, he first needed to recognize that he was reacting like a child because in that moment he was one. Fighting with his feelings or trying to override them would not work because at that moment, he did not have access to his adult brain. The good news is that Avi did not need to fight his feelings. He just needed to reawaken his adult brain. Here’s how he can do it. First, he can pause and notice that he is in his child brain. Next, he could ask himself a simple question. How would his nursing home administrator self react to his kids behavior? Asking himself that question will instantly lower the reaction of the child brain and reactivate the adult brain capacity. Instead of fighting with his child reactions, this brings the adult self to the scene where it’s needed. Avi is then free to be the mature, thoughtful person that he is.
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Chaim Moshe Steinmetz, LISW
Chaimmoshesteinmetz.com
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