The most powerful tool we can give our children is the ability to self-regulate. Now that they’ve settled back into school routines, our focus as parents is on helping them thrive—building strong friendships, connecting with peers, and reaching their academic potential.

Let’s first dive into the world of friend selection!

First up on our friend roster is the life of the party, the one who makes every outing a riot. You know, the friend who can turn a trip to the grocery store into a comedy sketch. They’re the human embodiment of confetti—always ready to sprinkle some fun into your life.

Next, we have the stoic confidante. When you’re feeling like a volcano about to erupt, they’re the serene island in your sea of chaos. They listen to your complaints like a therapist with a mute button, silently nodding along as you unleash your inner tornado. No flinching, just a calm rock amidst your storm.

And then, drumroll please, we have the pinnacle of friendship perfection: the friendly sage. This friend navigates life’s ups and downs with the finesse of a tightrope walker. They’re the mensch to your kvetch, the peanut butter to your jelly—utterly balanced and unflappable. In their presence, you can almost hear the soothing sounds of a harmonious melody playing in the background.

So, which friend would you most prefer to spend time with? The party starter, the silent listener, or the embodiment of inner peace?

Each of our friends can be described using (overly simplistic) scientific terms.

Our Hyperaroused friend has their sympathetic nervous system revving up like an engine, always ready to mobilize, ready to work toward or away from danger. Their dysregulation can sometimes make them a bit of a challenge to be around.

Now, onto our second friend, Hypoaroused, the one with a dysregulated nervous system that’s like a protective shell, clamping shut when stress comes knocking. It’s like they’ve got an invisible force field that kicks in at the first hint of trouble! Sometimes it can make things a bit quirky when you’re hanging out with them, but hey, we all have our eccentricities, right?

Now, let’s turn to our third friend. Ah, they’re the epitome of the well regulated being, always a pleasure to be around. Their balance and calmness create a comforting atmosphere wherever they go.

Which friend do you envision your child becoming? How can we teach them to be well-regulated, that balanced individual—a supportive friend, caring sibling, loving child, devoted spouse, and all-around remarkable person?

More importantly, now that our children are back in the rhythm of school, engaging with friends and teachers, as parents, our focus is on equipping them with the tools they need to thrive—building strong connections with peers, making new friends, and reaching their fullest academic potential in the classroom.

The most valuable and powerful tool we can give our children is the ability to self-regulate. When a child feels anxious, uncomfortable, or overwhelmed, they may want to escape the social situation. This can happen when they worry about how they’ll come across to friends or when they’ve been teased. Sometimes, the mere thought of sitting through the next hour in class can lead them to act out as the class clown or become the reliable disruptor. For the child who struggles academically, the pressure might be so intense that they completely shut down.

In each of these situations, if only they had the ability to self-regulate—to calm their inner storm and manage their overwhelm, even when that overwhelm feels justified—everything could change. Providing our children with this essential skill allows them to better navigate tough moments, improve their relationships with friends and teachers, and thrive in the classroom environment.

As parents, we model self-regulation. Our children learn from us what it looks like to stay composed and manage stress, especially under pressure.

However, this is also true for our less-than-proud moments. When we become dysregulated—whether it’s through yelling, shutting down, or reacting in other ways—our kids absorb that too. They’re constantly learning from us, seeing firsthand what it looks like to either maintain or lose control. These interactions are wiring their ability to self-regulate and shaping how they’ll manage their own emotions assisting them in effectively engaging socially and academically.

And then, there’s the rectangular device with a screen that keeps our children engaged and entertained, the smart device… No, I’m not talking about the content. I’m not about to present another asifah about the dangers of the internet’s dark corners. I’m talking about the device itself and how it interacts with our children’s brains, causing harm.

It’s not just the content, but the way these devices are designed to capture and hold attention—the flow from one screen to the next, the constant dings, pings, and alerts. Every part of a smart device’s interaction is crafted to deliver continuous hits of dopamine, keeping us engaged without requiring any effort to self-regulate. The device becomes an external regulation tool, which means children don’t get the chance to develop their own internal coping mechanisms.

These devices are engineered by some of the brightest minds in the world (though not the wisest) to keep us hooked as long and as often as possible. As a result, they stunt a child’s natural development of self-regulation, replacing it with an artificial, externally driven cycle of stimulation and reward.

The science is clear—and it’s deeply concerning. Brain scans of children who spend excessive time on devices from a young age show patterns strikingly similar to those of individuals addicted to drugs and alcohol. The difference? Adults with addictions have a childhood to fall back on—a period when their brains were free to develop critical skills like self-regulation.

Children, however, aren’t afforded that same foundation. When their early years are dominated by screens, they miss the chance to build this essential skill. Self-regulation is the cornerstone of every meaningful life interaction, from managing emotions to building relationships, and without it, they’re at a profound disadvantage.

We wouldn’t hand a 5-year-old boy a power tool or give a 5-year-old girl a hot curling iron. These tools pose an obvious physical danger to a child. In the same way, smart devices present a significant threat—not to their physical safety, but to their developing brains. These devices can interfere with the critical development of self-regulation, a skill just as essential for their future well-being as protecting them from physical harm.

Let’s get them off the devices—even if all they had was limited access to “24six” or the class chat. It’s not just about the content; it’s the interaction with the device itself that causes harm. Instead, let them engage with the physical world: grass, asphalt, snow, carpets, wood floors, vinyl—whatever environment they find themselves in.

Let’s allow our kids to absorb us, the good-enough parents we are. Let them witness our moments of patience, and yes, our less-than-perfect, even embarrassing sides. Because in those real-life interactions, they learn. And if we’re already spending time with them, we can also use it to model essential skills: how to connect with friends, communicate with teachers, and self-regulate.

Chances are, we’re already doing a lot of that. But the one thing that stands between us truly educating and influencing them is that not-so-smart device. Let’s be mindful of this. We have so much to offer our children just by being present. It’s in those everyday moments—when we lose our cool, reminding them for the hundredth time to do their chores or when we’re the annoyed parent in the carpool line—that they learn what it means to be human. Don’t deny them that by letting devices take our place and prevent them from becoming functional, emotionally capable individuals.