The Facebook Dad got over 28 million views on You Tube. He sits on a lawn chair, his smoking cigarette dangles at his side, looks straight into the camera and speaks to us all. “This is for my daughter Hannah and all her friends who think that her rebellious post on Facebook is cute.”
This father spent six hours and $130 fixing his daughter’s laptop only to discover her secret post on Facebook, cursing him out. [The following quote has been cleaned up for this family site.]
“To my parents: I am not your slave….It’s not my responsibility to clean up your garbage…You could just pay me for all the stuff I do around the house…I am tired of picking up after you…. I need to clean, do work around the house, chores, and school work. I’m tired of this garbage. I have no life.”
Dad takes a moment and then responds to his daughter’s obnoxious words.
“Pay you for chores? Seriously? We should pay you? Are you out of your mind? You are 15 years old. You want a new phone, iPod, stuff for your laptop? You’re too lazy. When I was your age I worked two jobs, went to school and was a volunteer fireman. You need to wake up in the morning and get to school. You don’t have that hard a life. But you’re about to. I’m so disappointed. And it’s all getting harder for you today. All the kids in school will see this. All the parents will get an idea. I want to put a stop to this right now.”
And with that, dad places the laptop on the ground and takes out his revolver.
“Here’s my 45,” he says and then shoots the laptop with his exploding bullets.
“Oh yeah. And you need to pay me back for these too. Hope you enjoyed your little fiasco on Facebook. Have a good day, ya’ll.”
How many times do we get back disrespect and an acid mouth?
I asked a few parents why they believe this video got so many views. Most said that this dad is really expressing it for all of us. How many times do we give and give only to get back disrespect and an acid mouth? What’s with the attitude?
Others said that the way this father handled his daughter’s discipline was out of bounds, and people could not believe the extreme he went to.
“Why not just give the laptop away to a teen that has none?” one mom asked. “Why the need to shoot and be violent? What exactly does he think he’s teaching his kid?”
I bet if I’d have the chance to interview Dad and Hannah, they would each have a very different story to tell. The only force I see uniting them is rage. They are so angry at each other, and usually hiding behind all this anger is an incredible amount of pain.
I don’t know how or when their pain began. But what I do know is that the wounds will continue to fester and create hurt and anger for many years to come. Maybe even forever.
Watching this video ignites within me a passion to speak to parents everywhere. Please, don’t allow your relationship with your child to reach this point of almost no return. (I say ‘almost’ because one prays that the bond between parent and child remains alive despite the pain.)
It is obvious that this father has tried to teach his daughter responsibility and good work ethics. But she has reacted in explosive animosity. Where did he go wrong? Here are three crucial steps the can prevent an escalation like this from happening.
Disciplining Without the Tzuris (aggravation, eating up your insides)
1. Build your relationship
Relationships don’t just happen. We need to work on bonding with our children. It is not enough to hand them responsibilities and high expectations. From the moment a child is born we are here to nourish and cultivate. Sing to your babies. Read to your toddlers. Play ball and ride bikes with your tweens. Find out what your teen loves to do-and then find the time to do it with him. Even if it’s not something you enjoy doing, just taking an interest means that it’s important to you because it’s important to me. That’s how we forge relationships. Once children learn to trust us and feel connected, it is easier for them to accept our ‘no’s. Especially if they don’t like what we have to say, they appreciate our love and do not want to disappoint us.
Remember that a child who feels wanted feels the warmth of love. Now that the love is felt, the discipline can be accepted. But when a child feels that a parent only cares about his own needs, his name, or what people will say, this child will purposely do the opposite.
2. Discipline without Shame
Taking your discipline onto Youtube for millions to see is the ultimate embarrassment. The only direction for this relationship to go now is below ground. It doesn’t matter if you are 100% right and your child is 100% wrong.
Never, ever, discipline through humiliation.
Never, ever, discipline through humiliation. Whether you are at your Shabbos table, in front of friends, eating in a restaurant, or at a family gathering-you need to take your discipline to a private place.
If you scream at your child or shame him in front of others, your message will be lost. He will be so furious at you, he will only think about his anger. He will refuse to hear your words. And you cannot make up for the trust broken by your disgracing him. You will find that the more you humiliate, the more brazen he will become.
If your goal is to teach character and good behavior, this road will only lead to failure. We must remember to always treat our children with dignity.
But sometimes it takes more than love and good thoughts. There are times that we are faced with a child who just pushes our button. It seems as if every day brings more explosive confrontation. Life becomes chaotic. This child refuses to connect. There are emotional head on collisions. Drama lurks behind every doorway.
You, the parent, feel drained. Now what?
3. Dos and Don’ts of Rebellious Kids
These are the children who seek power through misbehavior. They feel validated when they are noticed; negative attention makes them feel important. Too many rules frustrate them and are disregarded.
Antagonistic kids and parents who are very commanding clash. They don’t know how to work together and find solutions. They are too busy waging war. You will find that the more you demand, the more the child pushes back.
How can we reach this child and discipline effectively?
- Don’t have hostile exchanges
- Don’t give angry ultimatums
- Don’t lecture, go on and on, and talk about “when I was your age”
- Don’t use harsh tones
- Do take time to listen
- Do reflect your child’s words and emotions so that he sees that you hear him
- Do speak calmly but firmly
- Do find opportunities to bond and spend enjoyable time together
- Do give clear and direct discipline
Hear your child. If he has something to say, don’t make him feel afraid to voice his ideas and thoughts; as long as he speaks respectfully. These children also enjoy leadership roles. If you can give this child some opportunities to shine, he will feel greater self-esteem and be more comfortable with himself. Also, keep in mind that when your child thinks that something was his own idea, he will want to make it happen. Real self-esteem is built when a child feels vital, necessary, and valued.
I ask all parents to take a few moments to sit down with your child and help him feel loved. Share your dream, your hopes, and your visions. Tell him how much you believe in him. Lift him up instead of digging a hole for him to fall into. He will reach for the stars.
And one day he will ask to sit down with you and thank you with all his heart. Aish.com
Do you know why America has such long summer vacations? It’s because back when most people were farmers, they needed their kids home to help with the farm chores in the summer months, so they had no school. It was normal for children to help out at home.
When my mother came to America as a 16 year old, she got a day job to help her parents out and finished school in the evenings.
Children did not feel they were being wronged by pitching in and helping out at home.
According to the Torah, one is finished with his parental support when his child reaches age 6. I don’t suppose that means the child is on his own, but, the child has to help out for the support his parents give him. This is the “I” generation. It is raising a lot of selfish spoiled brats. When I was a child if I wanted extras I worked to earn money to buy them, and I didn’t feel deprived or felt that “es kumpt tzu mir”. I didn’t expect my parents to have to buy them for me. I even paid for my own trousseau. My parents paid for the wedding and I paid to set up my own household with my earnings. I did not feel anything was owed to me. I knew my parents weren’t rich and I didn’t expect them to set up my home (My father did help us out, money wise when we got married and were in kollel)
When my children were growing up they earned their pocket money and helped out at home with various chores. They are weren’t spoiled and I don’t think they’re worse off because of it.
What’s fascinating is that the kid sees dad on his easy chair, after work, ordering her around. The kid doesn’t know how hard dad works. That’s where mom should come in,and explain it to her. It makes sense that from the kids perception , dad is the laziest hypocrite in the world.
First that guy is nuts. Totally nuts.
I did read the whole article so I don’t know if I’m agreeing or disagreeing with the author. O watched the video right when it was posted on youtube and I’m still wondering why dyfuss doesn’t go down there and take his kids away.
Second of all, before watching the video, you should just know that there is extreme language used by the dad.
i think both of them did it just to get attention. no parent would post something like that to get revenge.
We speak about how America is spoiled.
Do we speak about how WE are spoiled? How after the wedding WE expect Tatty and Mommy to support US for years and years??????
Who exactly is spoiled here?
I am not disagreeing with anything that is in your post per se. However, I think that we have heard enough of the pop psychologists and therapists lecturing “evil” parents who decide that it’s time that their kids had a little discipline. Let’s put aside that this father “shamed” his daughter by putting his rant on her facebook page. Did you hear the language with which this spoiled brat of a girl spoke about her father and mother? How about a comment about that? And this was after this father spent six hours fixing his daughter’s laptop. And what did he do–shoot her? He took his gun and put a few bullets through her laptop. I know that most of you have never seen a gun before, but is this really so offensive and repugnant? I think that the real point that should be made here is that if parents would actually trust their own parental instincts, and stop listening to all the “all you need is love” and the Dr. Spock liberal philosophies that have ruined a couple generations of children (and I include in this the ones that disguise themselves as “Torah-based therapists”) the kids these days would be a little less spoiled and a little more well-raised.
according to the blogs , he got his point across….nuff said.
well according to the answers he got his point across…!
Love the video. This father is my hero. If more parents took control like this man did, we wouldn’t see half the problems we see today. Children bringing guns to school, beating up fellow classmates, robbing and shooting innocent people, and the list goes on.
chores at my home consist of helping with the dishes, laundry, mowing the lawn, cleaning up garbage around the yard, making sure the house is tidy, all kids toys put away at the end of the day, either back in the yard or in the garage, bikes all locked up, garbage put out on day’s of pick up, keeping the family cars clean is a family affair, If anyone can give me any other idea’s of way’s for my children to earn there allowance please let me know,
The author makes some valid and interesting points, but so does Nat.
As a child/father/now grandfather I remember some things my father did that some would think outrageous today. I particularly remember an incident where after violating curfew a few times, he ripped the plates off my car and cut them in half with a hacksaw! And the car, insurance, plates gas, ect. were all payed for by me with an after school /weekend job. Needless to say I no longer violated curfew. And after a cooling down period I didn’t love him or respect him any less.
After an incident with my daughter, she threatened to call DYFS on me to which I replied for her to pack her pillow cause if they came for her she wasn’t coming back. She calmed down. Me too.
Parents today seem to be trying too hard to be their children’s friend. They don’t need you as their friend, they get them at school.
They need someone to listen and treat them with respect ,sure, but to put it in a nutshell your job as parents is to provide an education and a moral compass so that when they leave your door for the last time they can deal with the world.
The very worst thing that we are doing is telling our children that there are no winners or losers, EVERYONE gets a trophy or award even if they finish last. How does that prepare them to function as adults in a society where there are always winners and losers?
The U tube dad may be a little rough around the edges and may be a little close to being over reacting but I bet he gets a little more respect, And good for him that he’s making her pay for it, I’d make her pay for the cartridges he used also!
And sometimes being embarrassed in front of your peers makes a better impression that any talking to can!
When you have a child you are accepting a responsibility. You are accepting to nurture, love, and do whatever you can to bring out the best of your child. Yes, your child may be obnoxious. Yes, your child may push all your buttons. Yes, its not easy. All this being said, its still something you accepted upon yourself by having that child. Children ARE obnoxious and every other word under the sun, but when you had that child you accepted upon yourself to do the right thing even when its rough. Even when your annoyed, angry, and tired. Even then you must do the correct thing. The thing that will help your child grow to the best of his/her ability. After all our excused and bashing of psychologists therapists and the like the question must be asked. IS WHAT YOUR DOING HELPING OR DISADVANTAGING YOUR CHILD? Stop with the excuses as the buck stops by the desk of the parent! PS Parents make mistakes as all people make mistakes, but the general outlook must be like above.
let’s candy coat everything so it sounds niiiiiiiiiice
nice gun im glad he did not shoot his kid this is why normal people cant get a gun permit