In recent years, our community has made great strides in understanding the importance of mental health. However, as אידין there are both unique challenges and resources in treating mental health effectively. One of those challenges is the interplay between רוחניות and mental health. The following story will highlight this challenge and shed light on what needs to be done to address it properly.
Yosef is a very bright, charismatic, 38 year old man living in Lakewood, NJ. Yosef learned in a top Yeshiva as a bachur, followed by 5 years in Kollel. He then went into real estate, where he became wildly successful. Yosef is actively involved in his community, president of his Shul, an active Hatzalah member and has a 2 hour Chavrusa daily. He hosts a parlor meeting in his home at least monthly for worthy tzedakos and is well known as a generous supporter of many local institutions.
Yosef’s personal life is not as picture perfect. Yosef’s marriage is troubled, he lacks patience and interest in his connection with his wife, he is always on the move and is irritated that his wife constantly needs him. The few moments that he does spend with her on Shabbos are bland. By the time Yosef gets home from the Kiddush, its 1 pm and hes drunk. Yosef’s wife, Tzippy, is worn out and very lonely, her whole life feels like a façade that she needs to maintain because of their status. Yosef has 6 children and the oldest one, 14 year old Sari, is beginning to show signs of rebelliousness. Yosef loves his kids and tries to spend time with them but is often distracted. Tzippy is the one who speaks to the principal because Yosef doesn’t and when she discusses their issues with him he is dismissive. Yosef works 12 hour days, is constantly busy, on his phone or in a meeting. He has trouble sleeping and only sleeps five hours a night.
Yosef is a mess. Unbeknownst to anyone, he also has issues maintaining boundaries at work with his employees. He has a filter on his phone, but his work computer doesn’t and he often succumbs to temptation there too. Aside from that, Yosef travels frequently and those trips are a real struggle for him as well.
Yosef knows that all is not well. He doesn’t know exactly what the problem is but he knows that he feels empty and that his only drive is to make money and be the most successful in his line of work. Yosef knows that his behavior at work and home are problematic but he feels as if it happens automatically, and that he can’t stop himself. Yosef feels compelled to always be busy because if he stops for a moment, a feeling of dark emptiness begins to creep in.
Although Yosef’s story may be more extreme than the norm, the underlying themes are extremely prevalent in our world. Rampant materialism, serious struggles with Kedusha, disconnect from loved ones, and chronic emptiness along with an urgent, desperate drive for great financial success are all too common.
While the following addresses a critical aspect of some of these issues, it is by no means comprehensive. Anyone struggling with Yosef’s issues will benefit from both the points in this article but would also benefit from psychotherapy.
In our circles, males, for the most part, learn in Yeshiva at least until they get married. Many learn in כולל for years afterward. The primary message that is driven home repeatedly in those years is the primacy of לימוד התורה, the חשיבות of it, as well as the seriousness of ביטול תורה.
While that message is critically important at that stage of life, what’s missing is a broader, more nuanced and mature perspective that takes the entirety of the life cycle into account and addresses the role of Avodas Hashem throughout the many stages of life.
The result of this educational gap has devastating consequences. The message that many internalize in their learning years is that their value as a Jew and their relationship with Hashem is only as good and as strong as their prowess in learning and how much time they spend learning.
The ramifications of this are seen most when men leave Yeshiva/Kollel and go to work. What is their value as a Jew if they are not learning all day? While many still learn for a significant amount of time daily, it’s a far cry from their Kollel and Yeshiva days. Many conclude that they are inadequate and deficient in their רוחנית. The apathy and disinterest towards Yiddishkeit that follows is an outer expression of an inner perception of worthlessness in their relationship with Hashem. They are then compelled to find their value elsewhere. Financial success earns them respect, adoration, friends and status and this becomes the new way to have a (counterfeit) sense of value. However, this type of drive will never bring peace or fulfillment. The inner call for meaning will surface, driving Yosef and many others like him into addictive behavior and constant busyness to avoid hearing its message, because what they perceive that message to be, deep immersion in לימוד התורה, is unattainable for them.
Human being are born with a need to find meaning in their lives. Our מסורה as well as psychological theory stress this. Without meaning and purpose motivating our lives, we are susceptible to anxiety, depression, emptiness, relationship struggles, addictions and more. Without meaning, what’s the point of it all? And if there’s no point, we will need something to anesthetize the dark emptiness of a meaningless life.
What can be done? While the male educational gap outlined above must be addressed for a permanent resolution, the focus of this article is to address those already touched by this.
A core aspect of this problem is the belief that the ultimate and only goal of a male Jew is לימוד התורה. While it’s clear that לימוד התורה is an integral part of our עבודת השם, this perception that לימוד התורה is the only goal is missing the point. We each have an individual mission in this world in our עבודת השם. Believing that the end goal is לימוד התורה as opposed to it being a crucial part of our own individual and unique תפקיד, hinders our ability to bring רוחניות to every aspect of our lives.
Marriage is a good משל to this. If someone would say that the goal of marriage is to spend time talking, what would you respond? While it’s obvious that a good marriage will include quality time talking, talking is not the goal. The goal is the relationship, that is the marriage. There are many facets to the relationship and many ways to express these facets practically. Talking is a way to express the relationship but it’s not its essence. If we evaluated our marriage by the amount of time spent talking, we would have a skewed perception. There are many people who don’t spend much time in conversation but the relationship is strong and meaningful. There are also many who spend lots of time talking, but the relationship is very troubled. If we view the goal as the relationship, then we have a broader, more nuanced picture and a stronger connection as a result.
While every person needs to discover their own unique תפקיד, there are 2 principles that are crucial to identifying our unique תפקיד which will result in living every day with clarity, meaning and focus. These principles help identify our תפקיד on a macro level as well as a micro level. The macro level is the unique tasks we were sent here to accomplish in our lifetime, the micro level is the unique task we have in each and every moment.
1.Every moment of a Jew’s life is an opportunity to cleave to Hashem through seeking and doing His will in that moment. The environment, circumstances, gifts and challenges that we find ourselves in at every turn is where Hashem placed us. It’s by utilizing the gifts and challenges implicit in each moment that we connect to and serve Hashem.
2. Each person has unique talents and skills that were given to him by Hashem in order to fulfill his purpose in this world. If you have a natural aptitude for something, it’s not an accident, you’re meant to use it as part of your unique תפקיד. For some, their unique תפקיד will be to sit באהלו של תורה for their entire lives. However, for many others, like Yosef, it is not. If they hold on to the belief that לימוד התורה is their only תפקיד, they will only be more and more distant from רוחנית and well being in their lives.
I’ve been זוכה to be a part of this journey with many of my own clients and heard the stories of many others. The turning point for most is when they internalize the truth of these two points, which allows them to refocus their lives to be driven by a mission to do Hashem’s Will, a Will that speaks to their reality and strengths and is attainable, motivating and inspiring. What ensues is the inevitable result of a balanced, meaningful and connected life.
Sadly, what often happens is that those that need this message most are often not open to it. There are numerous reasons for this. Due to many years of conditioning, anyone or anything that places emphasis on anything other than לימוד התורה is perceived to be for the weak minded. No one wants to be weak, so this message is scoffed at.
Another group of people are open to the message but despite their best efforts, they struggle to integrate this new perspective and live differently as a result. The reason for this is also due to past conditioning. The sense of unworthiness that was formed in part due to their perceived רוחניות inadequacy stubbornly remains.
A third group of people are those that unfortunately have become so apathetic and disinterested in Yiddishkeit that they are unmotivated to work on developing a more mature perspective.
If you struggle with any of the above, psychotherapy can be immensely helpful in resolving these obstacles. Although traditionally, psychotherapists have shied away from touching on religious beliefs, in these cases there is a psychological root and can be addressed with sensitivity in therapy.
Our community is blessed to have many Rabbanim that lead us in our רוחניות. We also have many skilled therapists that can effectively treat the mental health issues that plague us. What’s missing is the integration of the two. As מאמינים, our psychological and spiritual well being are inextricably linked. Addressing the spiritual problems that face us requires an understanding of the pain that lies beneath. So too, a true resolution of many of the psychological struggles that we endure can only happen when we understand that the deepest desire of a Jew is to authentically connect to Hashem.
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(For anyone interested, I would be happy to provide additional resources on this topic, please email me. I also have a whatsapp group with actionable tools for dealing with life’s stressors, join here https://chat.whatsapp.com/HxKuqFPMF9iB4dpafHT9KI)