David pulled into his driveway at the end of a long day at work. He mentally prepared himself for what he knew awaited him. The house would be an absolute wreck and the kids would all need their homework done; with him of course.
David was spot on. The house was a wreck and none of the kids had their homework done. David felt the anger at his wife Rachel begin to rise, he did his best to conceal it.
David tried his best to get Rachel to be more organized. He tried being nice, he tried getting angry, nothing changed. David was fed up.
Here’s the issue. David believes that his problem lies in Rachel’s dysfunction, and that he will only be happy with her when she changes. He’s wrong on both points.
The real problem is that David is addicted to Rachel’s dysfunction. One of the key neurotransmitters in the brain is dopamine. Dopamine is what makes us feel motivated, driven, focused, excited, pleasure and more. Dopamine feels great! Dopamine is also a key driver of addiction. Many substances, behaviors and even thoughts release dopamine. Addiction is the process of the brain pursuing those substances, behaviors and thoughts for the dopamine it provides despite the negative consequences that come along with it.
There’s another interesting way that the brain releases dopamine. If you believe something and then are provided evidence proving that belief, the brain releases dopamine. For example, if you believe that Hamas is evil, and then you are shown evidence of their heinous acts, your brain will release dopamine. That being so, your brain is always searching for evidence to support your beliefs because it wants the reward of dopamine when it finds it.
One of the most common human tendencies is to think and focus again and again on things that make us miserable. Why do we do that? We all have problems. Every time we think and focus on how our life has this problem and that problem, we are finding new evidence to our belief. That equals more and more dopamine. In essence, we’re addicted to our problems! To change the cycle, we don’t need to get rid of our problems. We need to get sober from our addiction to them. Here’s how David and all of us can do that.
David believes that Rachel is dysfunctional. Whether that is objectively true or not is irrelevant. David believes it is true. That being so, his brain will always be on the lookout for evidence of that belief. That’s why David is sitting in his car thinking about what he will find inside. That’s also why he finds it. David is addicted to the dopamine he gets when he finds evidence of her dysfunction. Because of the negativity involved, David’s brain will also release stress hormones that don’t feel good at all, but he will still get his dopamine hit.
Understanding David’s problem as an addiction to finding Rachel’s faults brings him hope. David doesn’t need Rachel to change. Although she does have faults, she’s also wonderful in so many ways. David just doesn’t internalize her qualities because of his addiction. Rachel cooks him supper every night, does the laundry, is easygoing, a warm and supportive wife, a great mother to his kids, the list goes on and on.
When an alcoholic wants to get sober, he needs to quit drinking. If David wants to be happy, he needs to give up his addiction to finding fault in Rachel. David knows that there is so much good in Rachel. He just can’t connect to or appreciate the goodness because he’s addicted to the bad. Once he decides to give up his addiction, he has a golden opportunity. David can get the same dopamine hit from finding evidence to all the good he believes Rachel has!
Here’s how the story ends when David capitalizes on this opportunity. David is sitting in his car at the end of a long day. A smile comes to his face when envisions Rachel’s smile and the delicious dinner that awaits him. His smile widens when he thinks about how happy his kids always are because of the warm, loving home that Rachel cultivates. David is finally free, not because Rachel changed, he’s free because he’s gotten sober from his addiction.
Chaim Moshe Steinmetz, LISW
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brilliant.
Unfortunately, the problem is fleshed out well, but the solution isnt.
How does his changing his thinking restructure the dopamine boost dynamic.
Unless hes basically saying “dont give into your addiction and eventually it will change”…
Apparently you didn’t finish the article
Recognizing the positive attributes that David believes that Rachel has will rewire his addictive process toward finding evidence for a positive belief instead of the negative belief. Every addiction provides a benefit, in this case its evidence to his negative beliefs. Providing the same benefit in a positive form neutralizes the addiction. If David consciously begins searching for evidence to his positive belief, in a short time that will rewire the addictive neural network
wow! literally life changing insight!
It’s also possible that David needs to roll up his sleeves more and assist Rachel more.
This is modern, feminist shtusim. Nothing in this article suggests his wife is overworked. It did however say that David had a long day of work. He probably needs to learn and daven still. The last thing he needs on his plate now is doing his wife’s job for her. Is she doing his job?
Again, shtusim.
The article doesn’t have to say that Rachel is over worked. If David is complaining about the present conditions of home when he arrives at home, then he must assist Rachel. The best thing David can do is to eat something prior to coming home. He’ll be in a much better mood.
Just wondering… If someone punches someone in the face, would we also say the one punched is only angry because he is addicted to problems? If someone loses a 5 million dollar deal is he upset because of addiction? Isnt there a natural human response to when we are slighted or disappointed?
The difference between an addiction and a normal response is the following. Addictive behavior continues, again and again as well as causes suffering to the person who does it and they sincerely want to stop but cant seem to do it. They recognize the harm in their actions but continue any way. On the other hand, all of us from time to time do things that we regret and know are are wrong. That’s completely normal. Its when we get stuck in something harmful repeatedly despite the consequences that it becomes an addictive process.
The point is the Davids positive attitude can now actually affect change. David has positive feelings towards his wife, wife is happy and feels positive about herself, rather than a failure… David and wife are now both in the right mindset to talk about and make some positive changes. Doesnt have to be that wife suddenly becomes super organized and clean, perhaps extra cleaning help can help, perhaps extra motivation for the kids to clear up afterthemselves, age appropriate. … whatever it is, its all in the mindset. Positivity breeds positivity!
would like to hear answer to that, good question
Unfortunately, merely repeating your comment doesn’t magically make it make sense.
You need to substantiate your claims not just insist upon them:
“If David is complaining about the conditions, then he must assist Rachel”
How did you decide this? What is your logic/sources?