By Ron Benvenisti. Social Media as in real-time chats, social networking, and instant messaging are a way for teens to discuss their interests and build so called “virtual” friendships. But the anonymity of the Internet can also put children at risk of falling victim to imposters and predators. A well publicized suicide of a 15-year-old Massachusetts girl last year occurred after she’d been bullied and harassed on Facebook.

Teens can also lose their basic real-world socialization capabilities. Teens get a skewed view of reality which profoundly affects their emotions. Online, there’s no way to see facial expressions or read body language that provide context as in a face to face conversation totally depersonalizing one-to-one eye contact and physical gestures like smiling, frowning, etc. Figuring out a “normal” person from a problem person becomes almost impossible.

Social networking is now medically defined and treated as a bonafide addiction That’s right: Addiction. Recently four experts who are deeply involved in assessing this rapidly evolving new world got together to discuss the subject right here in New Jersey: Princeton Psychiatrist Steve Resnick, Psychologist Michael Osit, who practices in Warren and Morristown, College student Christina Kopka from The College of New Jersey, and a representative of the Hopewell Township Police Department. The consensus: addiction.

Resnick points out warning signs that parents should heed, which he included in a recent study of his own, including such concerns as neglecting sleep to stay online, withdrawing from other pleasurable activities and lying about the extent of internet use and these are just a few of more than a dozen signs of addiction adopted from a prominent study.

Psychologist Michael Osit adds, “I see a deterioration of values, attitude, behavior and respect for authority and the work ethic in young people’s increased creation of a self-absorbed internet world.” Scary stuff. He goes on to say, “Cell phones and computers are not an entitlement, they are a privilege and all privileges must come with limits and boundaries. If your children start using them when young, it must be with specific rules and boundaries, and a parent must have access to kids’ passwords, in order to corral the limits.”

Both doctors are also concerned about the growing increase in cyber bullying, which Osit says has “escalated to a much different, higher level.” Osit’s new book, “Generation Text: Raising Well-Adjusted Kids in an Age of Instant Everything” is an eye opening read.

Many young people feel distressed when separated from their mobiles. They actually have addiction withdrawal symptoms. Trying to stop a kid from using their computer or mobile phone usually results in a tantrum. Researchers claim such outbursts may not be purely petulant. The withdrawal symptoms young people experience when deprived of their gadgets are comparable with those of drug addicts going ‘cold turkey’.

Researchers found that 79 per cent of students subjected to a complete media blackout for just one day reported adverse reactions ranging from distress to confusion and isolation. They told of overwhelming cravings, with one saying they were literally ‘itching like a crack head [crack cocaine addict]’.

The study focused on people between 17 and 23 in ten countries, including the UK, where about 150 students at Bournemouth University spent 24 hours banned from using phones, social networking sites, the internet and TV. They were, however, allowed to use landline phones or read books and were asked to keep a diary of their thoughts and feelings. One in five reported feelings of withdrawal akin to an addiction while 11 per cent said they were confused or felt like a failure. Another 19 per cent reported feelings of distress and 11 per cent felt isolated. Only 21 per cent said they could feel the benefits of being unplugged. Some students even took their mobile phone with them just to touch them.

One participant reported: ‘I am an addict. I don’t need alcohol, cocaine or any other derailing form of social depravity. Media is my drug; without it I’m lost.’ Another wrote: ‘I literally didn’t know what to do with myself. Going down to the kitchen to pointlessly look in the cupboards became regular routine, as did getting a drink.’ A third said: ‘I became bulimic without my media; I starved myself for a full 15 hours and then had a full-on binge.’ Frightening.

If You’re Not in Charge, YOUR Child CAN be an Internet Crime Victim

Bottom line: Unless we as parents proactively address these changes in our kids’ lives, we’re not only going to be sorry down the road but we’ll also be shirking our responsibility for their physical, mental and emotional welfare.

Always remember it’s your parental responsibility to be IN CHARGE of your own child’s PERSONAL SECURITY! Go visit some sites for kids. You might be surprised at what you find. Recently popular kid sites, Disney and Nickelodeon had explicit games on their sites until concerned parents complained. And those sites are for kids and not teens! Look at the sites to see whether they request, require and store personal information. Carefully read the privacy statement, no matter how long it is, and see if you agree with it. Try to find sites that don’t request personal information.

It might not always be possible to be with your kids whenever they are online, which is really is the best thing to do. However, it is possible to check later to see where your children have been online. To view their Internet History, click the History button on the browser toolbar but teens are smarter than we think and all browsers allow deletion of site visit history and all browsers have a private browsing option that deletes everything automatically. In those cases only a security forensics specialist can recover the trail, if need be. Being part of their experience by making them aware of the risks, sitting with them while they are online, installing a good Internet filter such as the BlueCoat K-9 or Covenant Eyes (both of which are endorsed by our Rabbaim) You can find the links below this article.

Here are some things you really should be doing:

· Talk to your child about potential risks online through their computer, game console and cell phone.

· Spend time online with your children. See where they surf; understand their interests.

· Keep the computer (and game consoles) in a central location such as the family room or kitchen.

· Check out and use family safety software and parental controls to monitor, manage, or even block your kids’ Internet use. All ISP’s have them. They’re free so there’s no excuse to use them. You can buy commercial versions – how much is your kid’s health and safety worth?

· Make it clear that together you will randomly check their communications and blogs to help ensure that their safety and the family’s safety is not at risk

· Check out the safeguards on other computers your child uses at his or her school, the public library, and the homes of your child’s friends.

· Teach children and youth the basics of online safety. Set clear usage guidelines and consequences if the rules are broken.

Dangerous Games

Aside from browsers on computers and cell phones, every game console such as Sony, Nintendo, Wii, etc., have interactive modes which use the Internet to allow gamers to talk to each other. This is so hard to trace that this is the preferred method for Gangs to communicate and recruit members. Game playing is as dangerous as computer use. The closest “real world” game I can think of is Russian Roulette.

Even the most innocuous searches can expose kids and teens to unsavory material. Many browsers have a “safe” mode; unfortunately they can be turned off with a couple of clicks.

To help minimize your children’s vulnerability, teach them to take the following basic precautions:

· Use only a first name or nickname to identify themselves.

· Never disclose a phone number or address.

· Never send photographs of themselves.

· Never agree to meet someone they met online without supervision.

The bottom line is TAKE CONTROL because you’re basically out there on your own until G-d forbid it’s too late. So get some ammo out now to protect your teens: because here’s a high power six-shooter for you to load:

Six absolute rules that can protect kids from damage, danger and even death, G-d forbid:

1. Never arrange a face-to-face meeting with someone they met online.

2. Never post pictures of themselves to people they do not personally know.

3. Never give out identifying information such as address or phone number. Even towns, schools and club memberships.

4. Never download pictures or videos from an unknown source as there is a good chance they will be explicit even from YouTube.

5. Never respond to messages or bulletin board postings that are suggestive, obscene, belligerent, or harassing.

6. Be suspicious of information you see online-it may or may not be true.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU STAND AS A PARENT?

· 1 in 7 (13%) youth Internet users received unwanted solicitations.

· 4% of youth Internet users received aggressive solicitations, in which solicitors made or attempted to make offline contact with youth.

· 9% of youth Internet users had been exposed to distressing explicit material while online.

· 7 in 10 parents are very or somewhat concerned that their child has an account.

· 7 in 10 parents are involved in their child’s social networking adoption process.

· 3 in 5 16-17 year olds asked for permission to open an account.

· 38% of children under 13 have an account.

· 84% of those have accounts with minimum age requirements of 13, and of those,

· 90% have them with permission from their parents.

Reach out and Touch Someone vs. Reach out and Touch a Keyboard

Today you’re just not “with it” if you force your kids to get off the PC at dinnertime, (like my parent’s did) or you want to share family experiences, listening and talking together, expressing feelings and opinions together.

Tzvi Ben Gedalyahu recently reported on Arutz-Sheva that Bnei Akiva broke the “Plasma generation” away from their social networking habits by launching its first-ever “International Kindness Day” to raise money for the needy – from New Zealand, to California and Israel. Thousands of Bnei Akiva members throughout the world abandoned their iPods, etc., and united “to express our belief that the world is built on chesed.” “The younger generation is too busy with technology instead of their emotions. Instead of touching people, they touch iPods,” said Ze’ev Schwartz, Secretary General of World Bnei Akiva

Sign Off and Sign Up

The national religious youth organization suggested other ways that kids can get off “the hook”. Sign up for community help projects such as holding holiday parties in hospitals, orphanages, women’s shelters and homes for the disabled. Inviting underprivileged children and the chronically ill to Holiday parties; collecting and distributing items for the needy; cleaning and repairing damaged cemeteries; and painting and cleaning old age homes and homes for the disabled. Sounds like a plan to me, but getting kids away from the technology is not so easy.

Habitual Second Nature and Powerful Peer Pressure

Susan Moeller, lead researcher of a University of Maryland study, said: ‘Technology provides the social network for young people today and they have spent their entire lives being “plugged in”. ‘Some said they wanted to go without technology for a while but they could not as they could be ostracized by their friends.’ Claiming that technology ‘absolutely’ changed relationships, Professor Moeller’s study showed that: ‘When the students did not have their mobile phones and other gadgets quite a number reported a difference in conversation in terms of quality and depth as a result.’ So there is a glimmer of hope.

Bed Time or Cyber Chaos?

While the findings of these studies do not apply to the religious community as a whole, it is worthy to note this study that finds that today’s social networking generation pretty much have to be bribed to go to bed as parents deal with the ‘just let me get to the end of this level’ panic attack on the game console. 17 per cent of parents use a “later weekend bedtime”, 28 per cent let their kids play or surf a bit more and 6 per cent are given some reward. Around 2.5 per cent of those surveyed admit their children refuse to go to bed until over an hour of haggling, arguing and demands. On the average it takes more than 20 minutes for parents to get their kids to bed with 25% saying it takes them more than half an hour. The study revealed that almost a third of parents have never read a book to their child while 44 per cent are just too tired for it. Most say that putting their kids to bed has become the hardest part of the day.

Irresponsible parents think it’s easier to give in to their teen’s demands and let them surf or play games for a little longer. Even today’s pre-teen kids prefer this to a bedtime story. In frazzled frustration, parents will often just give up thus impairing the development of the child’s reading, writing, creative and social skills.

Kids already dealing with poor self-esteem issues, said Dr. Gwenn O’Keeffe, a Boston-area pediatrician and lead author of the new American Academy of Pediatrics social media guidelines. Being disconnected from the net can be more painful than sitting alone in a crowded school cafeteria or other real-life encounters that can make kids feel down. The new AAP guidelines urge pediatricians to encourage parents to talk with their kids about online use and to be aware of depression, cyber bullying, sexting and other online risks. Do your doctor’s follow the guidelines? If they don’t make sure they start now!

As noted above the APA guidelines note that online harassment “can cause profound psychosocial outcomes,” including suicide. G-d forbid.

Get to Know the Online Lingo

Potentially problematic ones are asterisked:

121: one to one *

ADN: any day now

AFAIK: as far as I know

AFK: away from keyboard

B4: before

B4N: bye for now

BAK: back at keyboard

BF: boyfriend *

BFN: bye for now

BG: big grin

BTA: but then again

BTW: by the way

CID: crying in disgrace

CNP: continued (in my) next post

CP: chat post

CU: see you *

CUL: see you later *

CYO: see you online *

DBAU: doing business as usual

FUD: fear, uncertainty, and doubt

FWIW: for what it’s worth

G2G: got to go

G: grin

GA: go ahead *

GAL: get a life

GF: girlfriend *

GFN: gone for now

GMTA: great minds think alike

HAGN: have a good night

HHIS: hanging head in shame

IAC: in any case

IANAL: I am not a lawyer (but)

IC: I see

IDK: I don’t know

IMNSHO: in my not so humble opinion

IMO: in my opinion

IOW: in other words

IRL: in real life

L8R: later

LD: later, dude

LDR: long distance relationship *

LLTA: lots and lots of thunderous applause

LMIRL: let’s meet in real life *

LMSO: laughing my socks off

LTR: long term relationship *

LULAB: love you like a brother

LULAS: love you like a sister

M/F: male or female *

OLL: online love *

OTOH: on the other hand

RPG: role playing games *

SHID: slaps head in disgust

SO: significant other *

SOMY: sick of me yet? *

SOT: short of time

SP: sock puppet

TTYL: talk to you later

UW: you’re welcome

WB: welcome back

WFM: works for me *

WIBNI: wouldn’t it be nice if

WTGP: want to go private? *

WTG: way to go

YM: young man *

Please don’t let your teens get hurt or hurt themselves.

Links:

http://www1.k9webprotection.com/getk9/download-software

http://www.covenanteyes.com/services/download/