By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, for TLS: Is Internet addiction the main cause of today’s at-risk crisis? It’s a topic most people shy away from, but it’s one that our society needs to begin to address. Everyday more and more teens are getting hooked on the Internet and the effect of surfing may be taking its toll on our youth.
There’s no question that Internet use among teens is on the rise. The Internet has quickly become the number one media pre-occupation our children are busy with each day. Worse, not only are teens spending one to several hours a day surfing the web, the content that they are viewing has become progressively more violent and contains more explicit material than ever before. According to the U.S. Department of Justice’s Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention and University of New Hampshire’s Crimes Against Children Research Center, a groundbreaking national survey of 1,500 youth aged 10 to 17 documented that:
-More than one-third of youth Internet users (34%) saw “inappropriate” material online they did not want to see.
-The increase in exposure to unwanted material occurred despite increased use of filtering, blocking, and monitoring software in households of youth Internet users.
-Online harassment of youth has increased by 9% over the last five years.
-28% of solicited youth said an incident left them feeling very or extremely upset and in one-quarter of all solicitation incidents, youth had one or more symptoms of stress, including staying away from the Internet or a particular part of it, being unable to stop thinking about the incident, feeling jumpy or irritable, and/or losing interest in things.
These statistics should sound an alarm for parents concerned about their children’s development. Here’s why: For many teens Internet use has become an addiction, and, like all other addictives substances and activities, Internet addiction requires a therapeutic approach to wean its adherents away from this self-destructive behavior.
I know it may take a slight leap of creativity to connect the Internet to drug abuse but here are the similarities: Like addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or caffeine, Internet addiction is marked by symptoms of increasing tolerance, withdrawal, mood changes, and interruption of social relationships. Children and adolescents who have become addicted to the Internet will require increasing amounts of time online in order to feel satisfied. When they do not have access to the Internet, they may have symptoms of withdrawal, which include anxiety, depression, irritability, trembling hands, restlessness and obsessive thinking or fantasizing about the Internet.
Independent of the depressing effects of excessive Internet use, the most devastating impact of Internet addiction may be the decreased amount of quality time teenagers have with their parents. Just like other addictions, the Internet addict probably suffers from feelings of emotional and physical isolation from his or friends and family and spends little time involved in healthy relationships which are the basis for positive emotional development.
As I outline in my book “At Risk – Never Beyond Reach,” the lack of quality time spent with parents may also be the most significant factor leading to at-risk behavior. In fact, I once asked a group of high school juniors and seniors at a well-known Jewish day school what they felt were the most important issues teens face. These were the students’ answers according to their own ranking, starting with the most important:
-Disappointment and anger with parents
-Dislike of teachers
-The intense desire to be accepted and fit in with friends
-The desire to be adults and the fact still they were under parents’ control
-The internal pressures of trying to develop and act on personal values as opposed to those of parents and friends
-The powerful forces of media encouraging experimentation with inappropriate relationships and alcohol
-The enormous physical and psychological changes that occur at this time of life
Surprisingly, issues like physical changes, peer pressure, and drug use were placed low on the students’ list, whereas the issues of poor relationships with their parents and teachers were ranked highest. In general, these teenagers seemed alienated from their parents and felt that their teachers had somehow let them down. Add to this a teenager’s sense of isolation from parents and family members and the connection between Internet use and the at-crisis becomes more and more apparent.
Study after study is showing that the relationship is the key to at risk crisis and the Internet may be pushing teenagers further away from maintaining healthy relationships with their parents. For example, a comprehensive research brief published by Child Trends, entitled Parent-Teen Relationships and Interactions Far More Positive Than Not, showed a direct correlation between the quality of the parent-teen relationship and the impact the relationship has on a teenager’s life.
Similar conclusions were also reached by two other studies: a Columbia University study in September 2002, found that “isolation from parents make affluent students more likely to become depressed, and to smoke, drink and abuse drugs,” ⁸ and a National Institute on Drug Abuse 1999 study showed that “Family-focused programs have been found to significantly reduce all the major risk domains and increase protective processes” and that “even those [families] with indicated ‘hard-core’ problems can benefit from family-strengthening strategies.”
In addition to the damage the Internet may cause to family relationships, excessive Internet usage can also be masking more difficult problems that teenagers are facing. It may therefore be necessary to seek outside help for a child with Internet addiction.
How much Internet use is too much? Parents can ask the following questions that can be answered in one of three possible ways: rarely, frequently or always:
-How often do they find that they stay online longer than they intended?
-How often do they form new relationships with unknown fellow online users?
-How often do their grades suffer because of the amount of time they spend online?
-How often do they find themselves anticipating when they will go online again?
-How often do they choose to spend more time on-line rather going out with others?
If they answer “frequently” or “always” to at least four out of the five questions, then it may be a sign that they are hooked into the Internet and could use some help to wean themselves away from constant use.
How can I wean my teen off the Internet?
How can parents break the addiction? Here are some suggestions that may change the frequency and duration of time your child spends online.
The first suggestion is for parents to end their child’s isolation and check up on them every 15 minutes to see what they are watching. They can also surf together with the child on various sites and turn “alone” time into “family” time. Better yet, parents and children can work on a joint project. A creative idea is to google your family name and explore your genealogy. Another may be to plan a family trip together and look for places and special deals online. The trick is to come up with something fun and engaging that places both you and your child in the same environment.
While you sit together in front of the computer screen, you could casually discuss some of the dangers of the Internet and the sites that may be damaging to their emotional well being. A good place to start is to discuss the dangers of chat rooms and to speak openly about who may be online and what possible predators may be looking for.
Another helpful strategy is to gently wean your child away from the Internet. If, for example, your child surfs for two hours a night, you can make the first move by saying, “I think surfing every night for two hours is too much. You can keep on surfing, but from now on, you can pick three nights a week if you want to go online. Which night do you prefer? It’s your choice.” You don’t have to abruptly cut off all Internet use; rather you can start by limiting their constant exposure and empower them with a choice of when they want to be online.
Many parents seem apprehensive about butting in on their teen’s computer time. I have found however that when someone is hooked online and asked to cut back they may be initially reluctant, but in the end they will be thankful to you for reducing their dependence. Often teens get carried away and will appreciate someone that can help them renew their sense of balance and proportion.
By far, the most effective tool against Internet addiction is to schedule quality time with your child away from the computer. That means parents should schedule with their teens a “date” each week where they spend enjoyable time together. Taking a walk together to the park, going out to eat, ice skating, volunteering, doing Chesed, learning a hobby, or just throwing a ball around are some of the activities that make life fun and bind families together.
When life gets hectic and time is limited, you can spend a few minutes alone just schmoozing in a quiet room of your house – without a computer or video screen. Most importantly during your “dates,” try to talk about matters that they think are important. What matters most is to give your teenager a feeling that he or she is the most important person in the world. These moments of relationship building can give your child the proper amount of emotional nourishment needed to end their dependence and wean themselves off the addictive effects of the Internet.
As Rabbi Abraham Twerski points out in the introduction to my book, At Risk – Never Beyond Reach, “It has been shown that the single most effective intervention for the widest variety of teen and adolescent problems was also the easiest, speediest, and least expensive: The implementation of family mealtimes.” This is because family mealtime fosters relationships. If your child is spending their entire evening surfing the web, then there’s no way he is gaining the positive benefits of quality time with his family.
Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is a marriage and family therapist and maintains a private practice in Brooklyn. He is the author of “At Risk – Never Beyond Reach”. To make an appointment call 646 428 4723, email: [email protected] or visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com.
Why blame it on at risk teens. My friends are in upper 30s we didn’t see the internet till age 25 we are all addicted too! And so are you!
In our community, teen boys are in yeshiva from 7:30 am to 10 pm. And yet, I have never heard anyone bring up a poor relationship with parents before.
The problem with this article is that it assumes what it sets out to prove. Yes, overuse of the internet is one of the pitfalls that teens and everyone else face today. But in order to “solve” the issues of teens at risk, it is necessary to find the reason why ceratin teens engage in self-destructive behavior in the first place.
internet is the worst thing that ever happened to lakewood. no offense TLS. it is killing families. children, adults…. whatever, it is the silent spritiual cancer of our generation.
Such waste of time we all admit it but we do it.
Haleva it should only b on kosher sites. All should know even ” kosher ” sites like Yahoo are asur. Make Google classic (or TLS) your home page and only get news from heimishe news sites.
I’m addicted and so is my wife. Kids? Tgey don’t even know what it is because farshtatzach we don’t have internet at home. But neither of us ever used the internet before we were married. Why do we always talk about the problems of the internet benogea teens and children. Its a way bigger problem by adults. Rabosai wake up and stop being in denial. I’m talking men ladies, working or in kollel . And sadly even an alarming number that are being mechanech our children and teens men AND ladies have suffered and suffer from improper use of internet in many many ways. We are all in denial and untill we all lok at ourselves the adults and think of ways to control the use of the internet its just getting worse and worse and I don’t care how chushuv you are and what shteller you or your wife have or how long your beard is or how white it is. And I don’t care how tznius you dress and how many hashkafa shiurim you teach each week. If you have unmonitored access to the internet you are choshud on anything. The torah says ain apotropus l’arayus and it wasn’t only said for teens or people that work in manhattan. This is our biggest nisayon these days . And until we stop talking about the dangers for the “teens” and “kids” and focus on ourselves we will not see any progress in this battle. I personally think very highly of my ability to overcome nisyonos but I’m not a fool I have enough wasted time on the internet without having it in my house I dont need extra challenges. Rabosai I have four words to tell you and its the only solution. “Get rid of it” get it out of your house and use it only at work in a monitored setting. Even if its kess convenient. I might sound like a hypocrite typing on my internet now at work but at least I’m honest with myself and don’t think that the dangers are for “teens” and children. You all know I’m right and that’s all I have to say now.
To #3 – I believe it is the worst thing that happened to people in general and #4 – not all “kosher” sites are “kosher”!
I never talk about my personal internet addiction story but if it will help parents think twice about trusting their kids, its worth it.
I was a very easy teenager, the kind every parent wishes for…I never rebelled or made any trouble in school. I did however have a secret life on the internet. I would spend hours and hours every night after school online talking to friends and eventually strangers. It started out as a joke using fake names but eventually it became a nightmare. B”H nothing really bad ever came from it but it did get really scary at times. I was a lucky one…
When you pass me on the street, I may appear like a typical Lakewood mother to you but I will never forget those days of fear and wish my parents would’ve stopped me before I saw and heard things that I can never get out of my head.
Please control your kids internet use. Even the best kids fall prey and it could really ruin them.
When I was a kid, it was television that was the great “family destroyer”, now it’s the Internet.
Sorry, I don’t buy it.
Unrestrained Internet use is a symptom of the problem – not the cause.
If you’re a parent, you have numerous ways to control outside influences. All of them take effort and involvement.
Do you eat dinner with your children most days? Do you help them with homework? Do you express real interest in their lives? Do you know their friends? Do you really talk to them? Do you explain your decisions rather than simply inflict them?
OR
Do you spend your evenings decompressing from a long day away from your kids? Do you spend more time on the phone when you’re home than with your kids? Does work take priority over family? Do you check your email while you talk to your kids?
Kids act as their parents do. They know hypocrisy when they see/hear/feel it.
Heck, this isn’t about the Internet – even the article makes it clear – the student survey gave the following as the most important issues a teen faces:
-Disappointment and anger with parents
It’s the relationship with parents that’s paramount. If you can deal with that, the other things will likely fall into line.
(and if you think your relationship is perfect yet your kids are hiding things from you, think again, you have work to do)
When I was a teen we bought shmutz at the grocery. Now they get it inline. Same thing just a new mehalach. Its not the internet its you.
#8 Well said.
alot of reading here
If your teen is not addicted yet, feel free to have him enter South SIde Sandwich Shop’s raffle so that he can be the next casualty.
How can you compare getting “shmutz” from a store to our society today? In your days you’re right it was a matter of if “there’s a will there’s a way”. However now these teens as young as 13 years old have access to anything right on their phones.Not all these people who look at shmutz these days are not caused by the old “if there’s a will there’s a way”” more likely because “there’s a way there’s a will!!!!
Just as there is no such thing as a ‘kosher’ movie, there is nothing as a ‘kosher’ website.
I don’t see the DIRECT connection between Internet and kids at risk. The internet is a doorway to the wild wild west, where everything you could possibly want is at your fingertips at a moments notice. Nowhere in this or any other article does it say kids became “at risk” solely because they had internet access. I still don’t think unfiltered internet access is good but to blame internet for the following comments is pointing fingers at the wrong issue.
-Disappointment and anger with parents
-Dislike of teachers
-The intense desire to be accepted and fit in with friends
-The desire to be adults and the fact still they were under parents’ control
What does this say that points directly to the internet? If you ask me, it looks like Parents and Teachers are asking every kid to be grossa tzadekim and the top of the class. Those that aren’t – fall behind and THEN look for a place of comfort. Hence – the garbage on the Internet.
STOP POINTING FINGERS AT AN IMAGINARY ENEMY, THE REAL CAUSE IS OUR LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FOR EACH AND EVERY CHILD- NO MATTER WHAT THEIR SKILL SET !!
I know – I’VE BEEN THERE!
Wait to theose children get the free IPod from the South Side Sandwich Shop. They will be surfing the internet like their is no tomorrow.
# 14 – then what are you doing here? It’s treif !!
When I was a teen kids would go to all kinds of crazy and dangerous places to get the shmutz if they wanted it. Now they can just use the internet. At least its not anything real. And its in a physically safe place. You can scream and yell at me that I’m crazy but its not a totally crazy point. Teens (and adults) will get what they want its a question of going to a dangerous place or at home on the computer
Just read the article again- suggesting that the internet is THE cause of “at risk teens” is like saying talking on the phone while driving is THE cause for accidents. Some people can handle it and some can’t. The problem is : most parents with teenage kids are “nubies” themselves as far as how powerfull this technology is.
Saying the internet is dangerous for teens is like saying a car is too, but with proper training it becomes a way of life, and a daily tool.
Wow nice job finding a scapegoat. The internet and tv and movies are not to blame for any of this, its the bad and over bearing parenting that drives kids off the D. I know this, I’m one of them.
How know if my son is addicted to the Internet or just non kosher videos containing (moderated). Thats mostly what he looks at. I only have Internet for my husbands work but my son alway seems to find a way to get in to the office.
for anyone struggling with Internet-related problems check out guardyoureyes dot org
it is a lifesaver (talking from personal experience)
Check out yishmerainu I haven’t yet. Its supposed to help.