I often use the following hypothetical example with couples with whom I work. Suppose your spouse is the speaker today and you are the listener. And suppose your spouse has just complained that he or she felt hurt and disregarded yesterday when a spaceship from Mars landed in front of your home. You were invited inside for an impromptu tour of the vehicle. You completed the tour and then the spaceship took off, all without you having had the decency and consideration to ask the Martians if it would be all right if your spouse had a tour, as well.
Before your spouse continues to express his or her feelings, you might feel the need to “set the record straight” that there is no such thing as a spaceship from Mars. Moreover, even if there were and one were to have landed yesterday in front of your home, you point out, the story would have appeared on the front page of every newspaper in the country. The radio would be reporting nonstop on the reactions of neighbors. And journalists from around the world would be camped out all along your street and around the block.
In spite of these natural and justifiable urges, the rule of taking turns requires you not to contradict your spouse about the facts of the spaceship episode, at all. Instead, you would be expected to try to understand your spouse’s feelings, what made your spouse feel that way and what your spouse would have wanted you to do differently. Only when it is your turn to speak would you be able to present your point of view about spaceships from Mars.
“Taking turns” needs to be practiced not only in my office but at home as well. What should one do, I am often asked, if one is speaking and his or her spouse breaks the rules and tries to stick in his or her “two cents”?
When that happens, which it usually does in the early stages of learning this marital communication skill, I recommend the following standard strategy. Do not try to outshout your spouse. That is never helpful. Do not give up and walk away, either. That is almost as destructive as raising your voice. Instead, try to reestablish your respective roles. The dialogue should sound something like this.
“I had just asked you if you would be willing to listen to me and you said, ‘Yes.’ I was in the middle of telling you what was on my mind and then you started to give me your point of view. If you cannot listen to me now, then please tell me and I will speak to you later. But if you still feel that you can listen to me now, then please hold back your own opinions until you are the speaker. I will be ready and willing to listen to you at that time.”
Sometimes the spouse who is supposed to be the listener absolutely insists on making “just one” point of his or her own. What should the speaker do in such situations?
In such cases, I recommend that the speaker should say, “If you feel you must convey your agenda to me now, then I will listen to you. But that will mean that I cannot be the speaker today. So I will still need another time when I can speak to you without your bringing up any of your own issues.”
Let’s take “Shifrah” and “Naftali,” for example. If Shifrah is the one initiating the conversation, it should be her turn to be the speaker. Naftali should wait until it is his turn to speak before he tries to present his point of view. If he feels the need to communicate his feelings to Shifrah, he has every right to approach her and initiate a conversation. But once the conversation has begun, for Naftali to try to switch roles and become the speaker simply will not be effective for a number of reasons.
First of all, by trying to speak immediately after listening, means that Naftali will not be giving his full concentration to what Shifrahis saying. He is listening with only half an ear while he is mentally preparing his retort.
Secondly, even if Naftali could switch gears by listening without compromise and then speaking, Shifrah would just not feel that she had been heard.
The speaker needs to feel that his or her words are sinking in and having at least some impact. You may not agree with everything – or indeed anything – I am saying, the speaker thinks, but if you do not reply immediately and you mull over what I have said, then maybe a little bit of what I am trying to tell you will penetrate your thick head, you numskull! Whoops, I just broke Rule #1 (Never insult the listener.)
When to Take Turns
If you try to adopt the policy of taking turns with your spouse that does not mean that every single conversation must have only one speaker and one listener. If that were the case, then the following scenario would frequently occur. You might ask, “Which restaurant would you like to go to tonight for dinner?” Your spouse would then have to reply, “You would like to know where I would like to eat. But since you are the speaker now, I suppose I will have to wait until tomorrow to tell you my preference.” Certainly, that is not the intent of taking turns. You do not need to take turns for all conversations at home. The strategy of taking turns should be reserved for those discussions having to do with subjects about which there is substantial disagreement and/or strong negative feelings. When you are upset, annoyed, hurt, angry or all of the above, it is a good idea to implement the policy of taking turns in dialogue with your spouse. In this regard, you really need to be honest with yourself. If you are irritated about something, do not try to fool yourself and/or your spouse by engaging in a normal, back and forth conversation. If you do, the conversation will most likely deteriorate into a normal, back and forth argument.
The best thing to do when something is bothering you is to ask your spouse for time to talk. Then indicate that you need to be the speaker and you want your spouse to be the listener.
Following this policy of taking turns with your spouse for all discussions of sensitive or controversial subjects will not be easy, especially if you have been married for 20 or 30 years and have not been taking turns. But the effort in switching to this new strategy will be well worth your while.
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Dr. Meir Wikler is a noted psychotherapist and family counselor in full-time private practice with offices in Brooklyn, N.Y. and Lakewood, N.J. This article has been reprinted with permission of the author and publisher from Ten Minutes a Day to a Better Marriage: Getting Your Spouse to Understand You by Dr. Meir Wikler (Artscroll, 2003).