Submitted: For Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim

These words are coming from my heart.

B’H, over the past while, there has been an awakening to the fact that our singles out there need a support network.

Several initiatives have been established to give them a place to turn to for chizzuk. I know of Ohel Sarala who made that beautiful gathering last week, as well as LinkUp Nook from Penimi. I am sure there are inroads being made into that issue that I am unaware of. That is wonderful and much needed.

However, I feel that there is a demographic of people whose pain is overlooked, or perhaps not fully appreciated, and that is the mothers of our wonderful singles. Primarily girls, as single boys who struggle to find their bashert, most often do have shidduchim redt to them. Sometimes it takes a very long time until the right girl comes along, but this sense of being completely invisible to the world exists largely for our young ladies.

I feel very alone in this journey and have written this poem to express my feelings. I would be honored if you would print it, to spread chizzuk to the thousands of mothers who feel the same way I do.

Ode to the mothers:
Here’s to you mothers, you know who you are-
Who hold it together from near and from far.

The moms of a daughter, or two, perhaps 3
That watch as their girls think ‘Why can’t it be me?’

‘When will it be my turn?’ They think with a sigh ,
As their life and the world seems to just rush on by

With nary a glance to be coming their way,
Their heart rips to shreds as they wait day by day.

And we, as the moms of this wonderful gem,
Well, all we can do is to turn to Hashem.

We plead and beseech, and we try to hold tight
To emunah, bitachon with all of our might.

We daven, say nishmas, give tzedaka and more,
Waiting for the one guy to walk through the door.

But how will he come, how can it be?
When it seems like my daughter the world does not see…

We mothers, we just want to take to the street,
And holler and scream, out loud on repeat

‘Please see her. Please notice my gem’ we would shout.
‘Her middos, her beauty, within and without.

Please let her be told that she isn’t to blame,
She’s precious and perfect A piece in this game’

This game called shidduchim where sweet precious souls
Are ignored for so long as they sit near the phone.

As they wait day by day, month by month year by year,
As they wait to be seen, as their hopes disappear.

And we as the mother, we silently cry
But we paste on a smile and hold back that sigh.

We go to each simcha, rejoice and take part,
With a thousand sharp knives digging holes in our heart.

We need to feel noticed, to feel less alone
On this challenging path we traverse on our own.

So please, the next time you pass by an old friend,
Or sister, or cousin go over and then-

Tell them you’re thinking, you do all the time,
They aren’t forgotten, they are on your mind.

‘Your daughter is special’ it’s ok to say
They are seen, they are thought of by you every day.

And those words will give hope to us mothers who wait,
Till the right one will come speedily in our days!

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    • As the writer of the poem, I am simply trying to spread chizzuk to the thousands of mothers of single girls who feel so alone as I do. There is no way for me to solve this problem. But I can share in their tzaar, which is half the Nechama. The tone that you used in your comment was cavalier and callous and is certainly not helping to solve the issue either. I am sure that wasn’t your intention at all, but that is how it came across to someone whose emotions are clearly very raw. Next time, before you type a response, please take a moment to read over your words and put yourself in the position of the person you are addressing. It may make you rethink and rephrase what it is you are trying to say. Thank you and May we all have the opportunity of t celebrate many simchos.

      • Hi. I read your poem. I’m a Shadchan and we live out of town. My husband is no rosh yeshiva or gvir and I have mostly daughters. I’m here to say that I feel your pain. I have a close friend whose daughter is 30 and single. I took upon bli neder to bensh inside for her zechus after hearing rav Bergman Shlita

        Instead of blaming people for their pain I cry with the mothers all the time even if I can’t help all of them. And I cry for overwhelmed boys mothers too ! And it certainly helps to take upon a zechus to help your friends who are suffering

  1. Man made problem?? Absolute kefira. You want to say more should be done? Or things should be done differently?? I disagree with that too. But man made problem is nothing short of avoda zara

    • There is an Expectation that things just happen on thier own and it doesnt work like that. I hope all these girls find thier Bashert, but Maybe girls should start getting dating at a later age.

  2. So I have a question about the “age gap” even if we agree that there is an age gap problem. There clearly is a way larger problem.
    Currently there are way over a thousand guys in BMG and other yeshivas. And just as much if not more girls who are working.
    So at least 1k against 1k!!
    Stop screaming age gap when the people in the gap aren’t getting engaged. Why is everyone looking at the edges which obviously is a problem when there’s thousand of people in the market boys and girls ready to go!!

    You know why??
    Because there isn’t enough Shadchanim to handle this volume of people.
    Take a page from the age gap people that every year there are more people! Ok I agree but the amount of new shadchanim hasn’t been growing equal to that!

    We need an organization which pays people salary to make shidducim. Plus thet will receive shadchans a ls a tip. But their job will be to pair up boys and with a system assigning specific people to a specific shadchan to find a good idea.
    I haven’t heard anyone taking about this I’m listening!

    • You are wrong. The turn over of all the guys in BMG and about 2/3 of the seminary grads is very quick. “Just” a third of each year’s seminary grads sit around until…… and that adds up year after year to create this crisis.

    • If most boys have a long list of girls to date the moment they exit the freezer, what will more shadchonim accomplish, add another girl to his list?!
      If the problem was a shortage of shadchonim, then there should be equal pain for boys & girls, which isn’t the case. The problem likely is a combination of the age gap, which then created a scarcity of boys Vs Girls of marriageable age (boy inflation). Due to this scarcity, boys now have long lists of girls to date, & then the girls become a commodity to choose from: Money, looks, yichus, etc. This is normal human nature whenever we need to make a choice, we’ll pick the best choice offered to us based on societal values. While the age gap cannot be absolutely proven, it is a strong argument that deserves at least that we seriously try to narrow the gap & see if it helps. Unfortunately, the powers to be do not feel that we have reached the point to make real changes to the system. Without divine intervention, We will only see change when things become R”L so bad, that the system itself is in danger of collapsing, then an emergency response will be made to change it. Let’s daven that we don’t need to reach that scenario.
      The poem is beautiful.

    • Thank you I have been saying this exact point for a long time for the need to pay full time shadchanim ! Many more dates and marriages with hashem’s help will follow

  3. Beautiful letter from the true heart.

    May we all start to have open hearts for our brethren suffering in pain from all different kinds of tests coming directly from Hashem.

  4. Why can’t the schools and seminaries create a database of names of girls and hire someone to match that database with other Yeshivos? It’s as if once the girl leaves the school system she’s on her own, whilst the boys stay with their Rosh Yeshiva up until the Chuppah. I’m sure all the computer programmers and data scientists out there can come up with something to figure out a structured system for this.

  5. As a father of daughters I must say that you articulated with this poem some things that I always felt, but wasn’t able to express – particularly the hurt which comes from the realization that my daughters seem to be invisible simply because their father isn’t wealthy or a Rosh Yeshiva. Thanks so much for the validation.

  6. My heart cries for you. Hashem should help you and all the other girls out there to find their SHIDUCH ASAP.

    I like the idea of hiring SHACHONIM and paying them a salary; it really makes a lot of sense.

  7. Thx for the beautiful poem. A mothers pain is enormous. When we paste on a smile and attend your Simcha please give us a heartfelt Brocha that we too will have a Simcha shortly.

  8. I just became a Saw You At Sinai shadchan. In two months I was able to send one girl more than 25 resumes. This site does not have learning guys,but all our Jewish daughters need to get married. I spend all my free time doing this.I am semi-retired so I have chosen an activity that brings joy to my life. I made a few shidduchim but I will never accept money. Boruch Hashem I don’t need it. I think creating a “Yeshish Website” for shadchanim will help this problem.You can make the system less time consuming for the shadchanim by telling the singles they have to talk to each other to set up the time and place of the date. Also, tell each single to communicate with each other if they want to go out again. Or have a friend call the young lady/young man. The singles will learn if they can communicate with each other and work out a plan. for the day.

  9. Another yeshivish community (Baltimore, to be specific) has a program, initiated and maintained by single women, that, among other events, has a weekly she’er open to young men and women (~ >20 years, I think) followed by pizza.

    There are other single events, I know. However, a weekly she’er open to relatively young singles is unique. Because of its repetitive nature, a single person can get to know another single person over a period of time as opposed to the relatively one-off occurrences of other single events. Because it is a she’er, held in a shul or its social hall, kedusha is well preserved.

    Lakewood’s community is larger than Baltimore’s. Yet, as far as I know, such a program does not exist. To the askans of the community, please consider such an idea.

    Thank you,

  10. If every couple that gets married makes it their goal to set up/redt/make a Shidduch between their own friends, there will be more shidduchim made. People need to think about others and fargin.

  11. I’m not coming to say that there is not a shidduch problem for girls… and it’s a very nice poem.

    All that I want to acknowledge is how it’s not different for boys.

    The writer here wrote “for girls it’s a problem but not for boys because they have shidduchim being readt to them”.

    Number 1- we all know that the majority of the shidduchim being redt to boys just means that the person who redt it knows that this boy and this girl currently have a pulse.
    It’s not like boys are getting redt hundreds of well thought out ideas from shadchanim who actually believe this is a match. You get redt to a girl because the shadchan knows who she is.

    So just to set the record straight, it’s not easier for the boy because being redt girls doesn’t actually mean anything more.

    Number 2- Lets say you’ll answer, being redt girls helps the boys because they know and see that the shadchanim are thinking about them, (even though the majority of them are waaay off) do you know how many boys haven’t gone on a date in 6 months, not because their parents are picky and not because they’re picky but simply because they did not get a yes back??
    So everyone stop saying how horrible it is for the girls because they don’t get YES’S for months and “imagine how horrible it is not getting a Yes for 6 months!? Also she’s such a nice girl and the family is XYZ…” YES! boys know what it feels like because it’s the EXACT same issue so they aren’t dating because they’re not getting yes’s.

    Number 3 – As a mother of a single girl in shidduchim you want a support group for yourself?!?!?!?
    I’m not saying it’s not hard for you and yes it must be so difficult what you’re going through, and you wonder why not us?! but you don’t need a support group.
    You have a life, you have a community, you friends. Go talk to them and relax with them.
    You need Chizuk? Call a rav or a rebitzin or someone you know…
    My point is you don’t need what singles need because as hard as it might be for you to see that your child didn’t get married before she was over the jet-lagged from seminary and she’s not engaged right away, you still have your life when a single feels single and alone.
    Yes singles have their parents but they want to be out of the house and not have their parents as their emotional support group, they want to be married. They feel like they don’t have friends because all of their friends are married and up to different stages. They feel like they don’t have a community because all of their friends live in another place and not with their parents. They feel like they don’t belong.
    So as a parent, you have your life in place. Use that.
    It’s not the same as the singles and there’s no support group for you because of course you really want to see your kid married and happy, of course! But your child being single may be hard to see but it’s not exactly the same.

    • First of all, thank you for your response. I can see that this is something that you feel passionately about as well. I want to clarify a few things.

      1) I did NOT say that boys don’t have a hard time with shidduchim. I am a mother of multiple daughters who are waiting for their bashert, so I can’t say that I understand what that experience is like. What I can tell you though is that my daughters, who are already back for seminary for several years, who have many of not most of their friends married with children, are simply not seen by shadchanim. And I am not alone in this experience. I have spoken with so many mothers of girls in the same age range whose daughters have been redt an average of one shidduch a year- max. I am talking about girls who are bright, refined, giving, loving and accomplished. Some of those once a year shidduchim are not just off base, but from a different league entirely. Some people say yes to boys that they know have nothing to do with their daughter because they are 22, 23, 24,25 and have gone out one time. With all due respect, the mothers of the boys whom I have spoken with do not have this experience. This is pretty much unique to girls. They are simply invisible to shadchanim. We know when our daughters get redt shidduchim as anyone and everyone who knows us call to rejoice that they actually got called for information. And that doesn’t happen more than once a year. Please do not belittle that experience. I can’t imagine how hurtful it is to have your son get redt multiple shidduchim and to not have any girl say yes. The pain is great. The pain of simply not being seen, for years on end is crushing.

      2) I am not minimizing how incredibly painful this journey is for our single daughters. As I said, I am a mother of multiple children in shidduchim. I am simply stating that being there for them, understanding what they are going through, making phone call after phone call to friends, family and shadchanim who come back with absolutely nothing, all while remaining strong, positive and upbeat as your daughter watches her friends and contemporaries move on is draining. And it is lonely and isolating. So yes, we could benefit from a support group. I am not sure why you seem so adverse to the idea. Parents who go through struggles in so many different areas have support groups, chats, message boards, etc where they can vent and share absolutely ridiculous and hurtful comments and ideas that came their way. This forum gives them the wherewithal to swallow any retort they feel like spitting back, any time they want to break down and sob in front of their daughter, exacerbating their child’s pain, any time they feel like railing to the shadchan how it feels to get the brush off for the tenth time- they have a place to share with people who get it and understand and can validate their experience. How could there possibly be a downside to having a support group for mothers who are suffering in the trenches together? Please do not tell me that my suffering is not on the same level as my daughter’s. No one understands this better than a mother who would move heaven and earth to make their children whole and happy. I am truly confused why you don’t think a support group is warranted. Can you please explain?

  12. in this prevailing “survival of the fittest” system there are for certain some who will get knocked around, hurt, and possibly sidelined forever and that is like a “life in prison” sentence for anyone who chooses to remain inside our community and keep it’s restrictions and benefits, so all this seems pretty sad and the poem captures it so beautifully…

    but is that what we should be doing? complimenting the poem writers? who are waxing eloquence and standing to be applauded while so many are already past the point of reasonable hope, past the stage where it would have been what it was always dreamt to be, and for why? for what? to maintain an approach which is basically wrong?

    is it the 3 months here, or that year there? that is the debate? or is it the total picture, how this vital step is relegated to “when i am ready” or “when they all are ready”, and maybe that is contributing to why it is for the priveleged and not for all, because everyone is out for themselves and disregarding the bigger picture, the total community or even an entire neighborhood, and are therefore leaving fine friends and neighbors off to the side without anyone hearing their distress and nobody is waking up to the call.

    you care about your daughters? how are you with your sons? your talmidim? won’t they be suggested to your friends’ daughters?

    if everyone will take into perspective the total picture and feel communal responsibility then this crisis would be identified confronted and addressed but to keep denying it questioning it and trying to diffuse and confuse those who are trying to bring it under control all the while making sure that you and yours are taken care of is morally wrong and and an irresponsible lead!

  13. I’m happily married to a wonderful man, we get along great like two peas in a pd, we have a lot in common and thank you God for answering my prayers

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