Lakewood Voter Who Was Turned Away From Polling Center Because He Couldn’t Be Found In the Computer, Crawls Inside the Computer Hoping to Locate Himself
A Lakewood resident who was turned away from a voting booth on Tuesday because poll employees said they “couldn’t find him inside the computer”, crawled inside the the computer in a desperate attempt to locate himself.
“I’m pretty certain I’m inside here SOMEWHERE,” the Lakewood resident, Enan Amiss, hollered to the aforementioned employees from deep within the computer, “because I was in here last year, and I am 99.99% certain that I am still here!”
“Hey, fellas, isn’t that me on the top right corner of the computer screen?” he asked, as he pointed to an extremely old, barely legible database tucked somewhere within the computer system.
“I don’t know,” a poll employee replied to him, “but you got to crawl out of there immediately because we need to use this thing!”
“If we can’t locate you inside the computer, that can only mean two things,” the poll employee explained, “either you are an AI creation who doesn’t really exist, or you’re a deceased individual who no longer exists and you’re trying to vote illegally!”
“There’s a special place in Gehinom for zombies like you who attempt to vote illegally,” the poll worker said. “I am asking you for the very last time to please crawl out of this computer immediately before I call McAfee and Norton security and ask them to extract you from there by force!”
Mr. Amiss reluctantly exited the computer, and later insisted to reporters that he “is not an AI creation or a zombie by any means!”
“Here, give me a pinch,” he told one reporter, “and you’ll see for yourself that I am alive and that I am a real person.”
“Ouch, not so hard, knucklehead!” he hollered to the reporter, “I asked you to pinch me, not to kill me!”