Submitted: Another Idea To Help Our Singles

There has been several letters and appeals regarding Shidduchim posted on The Lakewood Scoop recently.

I applaud TLS  for bringing this vital topic to life – Tizku L’mitzvos!

I think we can all agree on one thing which is clear – that there are so many singles, many over 30 years old, suffering, literally suffering! Both boys and girls.

I will avoid the topic regarding whether there is a “crisis,” why there is a crisis and the like.

I will also avoid the topic of trying to change an entire yeshiva system, or by what age girls should begin the dating process.

As to whether it’s right or wrong, the fact is that it has been discussed for years and zero changes have been made.

Zero!

So I’d like to strongly suggest a practical idea and would appreciate comments or if anyone who can possibly help out with it.

Mi K’amcha Yisroel!

We have Hatzalah, Chaveirim, Bikur Cholim, Bonei Olam, and so much more.

In Eretz Yisroel there is a Mosad called “Hagfen” which pays people to work as shadchanim full time, allowing them to receive a salary whether a shidduch is made or not.

This is their full time job, complete with databases and offices.

Obviously if a shidduch is completed, there is Shadchanus given in addition.

In our communities we b”h have many talented, caring, giving people who try so hard to make shidduchim.

However being very realistic, practical and fair shidduchim take a lot of time and effort.

Most of these people do it “on the side”.

Meaning they have a job, family, and “on the side,” try to make shidduchim.

If our community can start an organization which will hire people who are talented in shidduchim to work as shadchanim as their official job, think how much more time, mind, thought, energy they can devote to this.

This idea doesn’t involve changing an entire system.

Will it solve “the issue” ? No ,but it can greatly greatly help in a practical realistic way.

Thank you!

A member of community who knows the pain of these singles.

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48 COMMENTS

    • There are more boys than Shidduchim due to the age gap. If you pay each Shadchan $1 Million dollars for each Shidduch they make you will still have thousands of single Litvish girls….. Unless we really start the boys in Shidduchim younger this won’t help.

  1. chicago has this! called simcha link, under the leadership of Rabbi Shmuel Fuerst.
    several local shadchanim, as well as many in lakewood and in tri-state area… they focus on chicagoans….

  2. As an owner of a local gift store we see after every Yom tov including now after Peasach a surge of 65 vorts just last week alone (BTW during corona was the same thing)
    We believe that’s due to people being off from their daily schedule and more relaxed, hence more shidduchim are happening
    If we can come up with ways that shidduchim are on people’s minds we will see many more in the future bezras hashem

    • More likely it’s because boys just came home and are starting to date.
      No one has free time before pesach and I doubt shidduchim happened in a week.

    • BH I merited to participate in several vorts. Unfortunately this will grind to a halt with Bochurim being frozen for a few months now. As TLS posted the letters of the Gedolim previously, changes MUST be made to the Freezer to continue the Simchos in Klal Yisrael!!!! We can’t take a break from Simchos and hold the Bochurim back for so long

  3. Buddy – if you dont understand the cause of the problem- then you can’t offer solutions. If the problem is that there is a different amount of boys and girls the the solution must resolve that problem. You can have shadchanim work for the next 100 yrs but will never be able to pair up 100 girls with 90 guys for example. Please let’s use logic and solve the problem correctly as disscused previously in a real way -rather than one that makes you feel good but does zero.

    • go right ahead and solve it Shmiel what your idea to “solve” it that will do more then zero?
      2)read what they “buddy” wrote about “solving”

        • Correct. There currently are a few thousand single older girls with no solution in sight. Rav Elya Ber said this is a man made problem and we need real changes to fix the broken system by the Litvak community

        • That will help for the future. What about the current single girls? Are you just writing them off? “Mathematically, I can’t think of a way to save them”, “Oh no”, “I guess they will just have to be korbanos”, ” They should be mekabel yissurim be’ahava”. There is a way to save them, if girls are not allowed to start shidduchim until they turn 23, then there will be equal amounts of boys and girls in the parsha. Then we can start having great ideas about not being picky, and paying shadchanim, and non-professionals redting shidduchim.

    • These non stop letters to the editor with all the comments is and will do nothing. Sorry.

      Take out this week’s Yated magazine and tell me the shidduch forum letter wasn’t from a TLS reader (if not TLS itself). Read the answers from all the forum members. Every single one of them doesn’t agree with all the TLS commentors.

      It’s enough of these letters already. Just daven and redt shidduchim. That is the only solution.

  4. how about a pilot project to freeze the freezer for 3-5 years and see if it helps and then it should be seriously reconsidered

    • Of course it will help to stop the freezer. The next few months there is going to be a lot less engagements. Why? Because the Bochurim will be sifting through resumes and selectively choose the richest, prettiest, families with Yichus. This process creates undue hardship on the Yungerman with daughters in Shidduchim.

  5. other suggestions is perhaps 1) stop picking so picky and stubborn and be open minded just a little bit when a shidduch is red especially when your a mid 30 single !
    2)make first dates 30 min to see if its anything rather then drain boys driving hours and boy and girls time!

    AND MOSTLY START USING BASIC COMMON SENSE .THE CURRENT SYSTEM WORKED WELL IN THE 70S 80S IT ISNT TODAY! EVERYONE KNOWS IT!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH .CHANGE IT! JUST CHANGE IT .ENOUGH HOCK!

    • Comparing todays shiduch system to 70s and 80s is comparing apples to bicycles. You are right about common sense though… that’s in short supply these days. But you know what else is in short supply? Boys.

        • Chazal never said such a thing. As a proof, The Torah wouldn’t allow polygamy if that were the case because it would cause someone to have no one to marry.
          Chazal only say that each boy has a zivug, it says nothing about a girl automatically having a zivug

  6. Rabbi Rhine from Passaic does something like this he gives time of day to people it’s more that you have to hear what the person is looking for and give him/her time of day. A lot of people trying to make shidduchim happen are they’re just for the money of it they don’t care if the people get divorced a month later the whole thing with just read it is terrible because the references have to suffer with the most random idea you need people coming from legit places before to get people married not just for money before you give an idea have a reason to present to both ends. Why you think it’s a good shidduch.

  7. Stop asking parents for support money. Learn for as long as your wife can support you without it being detrimental to her physical ad emotional health and then become a earner/learner.

  8. Let’s face it we need to do anything possible to help these singles. A wife of a youngerman who is a shaddchan in the current way most shadchonim get paid is totally not realistic. To spend hours and hours and then receive a fruit platter as payment for shidduch that doesnt materielyze if anything at all.

    Who in their right mind would go into this field unless your husband is gvir and doesnt need the income. We need to devise a system that shadchonim get paid get fairly for their time worked and shadchunus is a BONUS when a shidduch materializes. Perhaps pay them like a dating coach who get upwards of 150 a session

    The field most similar to shaddchunis is Realestate who makes let’s say 3% on a 500.000 deal means she is coming home with 15,000 and who buys houses for 500,000 these days?

    • Agreed about the field of real estate being the most similar to Shadchanus. If we were to step up and give similar amounts, all the RE agents who are not doing much these days can forge ahead and make Shidduchim in the meantime!

  9. I recently saw a video of a Rabbi asking R’ Nota Greenblatt if he can run a program for singles after the Chuppah where they can meet each other & perhaps like someone for themselves or for a friend & then a Shadchan would facilitate it.
    R’ Nota said it should be done & told him that Reb Moshe at his own daughters wedding purposely sat the singles above 22 together so they could meet & R’ Moshe went over several times to make sure everything was ok.
    I’m not sure this will be done as I know in the past few decades B”H we’ve all become Frummer & more sensitive to tsnius issues than Reb Moshe. 🙂

    • any older single is cooking and brewing an personal and social concoction that can develop into a serious breach of tznius so the most tznius thing to do at that point is to try as hard as possible and with every possibility to escape the doom of singlehood

  10. A smart askan who is very involved in shidduchim has said “So there’s a problem of not the same amount of boys and girls so some girls are being left out?? Did we finish marrying off all the “older boys” that we have girls who are without options? How many older boys are still unmarried? Hundreds! When you’re down to only 20 or 30 older boys and have 100s of similar aged girls that need a shidduch, then come back to me and say there is a crisis.”

    • Not a very smart askan. There aren’t many older boys needing shidduchim in proportion to the girls. A number of those older boys have personal struggles & aren’t ready for shidduchim, I know this for a fact. You need a balanced pool of prospective candidates if you expect to make successful matches between people.

  11. It’s been done before with “mitzvah shadchanim “, the issue is that those people don’t know families and backgrounds that well. It needs to ne set up professionally, with people very on the ball they know who is what and will get paid a salary accordingly. Some coffee room hackers vs mitzvah ladies

    • we are talking about a point at which people should really be skipping the extensive background checking and stick only and exclusively on what is essential to any shidduch which is middos and this is important in the whole discussion that as time goes on and on and on, the smaller details should be left on the wayside and the focus should shift totally and only on essential issues

  12. My solution: crowdfund a college that offers classes for girls for free on the condition they don’t date/get married while in school. This will force girls to marry later with a completed degree thereby forcing boys to marry their own age. This will also help families financially.

  13. Rabbi Yoffe’s advice was the best.
    If you are dating a girl that is 22 years old or more, then we will gladly open up the freezer and let you out.

    • R’ Lazer Scheiner Has taken achrayous over the BMG Kollel checks & has raised over $120,000,000 for this cause. If anyone out there has a hashpaah on him, please ask him to initiate this idea with the Hanhalah of BMG. Let’s use the Freezer as a way to give the 22+ girls a headstart.

  14. Thank you
    I have been saying for many years to pay the shadchanim full time
    I’m happy that others finally agree
    Let’s get this project going

  15. To everyone who is harping on the fact the reddting shidduchim will not solve the problem because it won’t work mathematically: Although that is true and the problem won’t be solved; it will definitely help. For example, if there are 100 girls and 90 boys, making shidduchim will help 90 of the girls (or 80 or 70 if some just won’t work out for whatever reason), leaving only 10 girls in need of a shidduch. I am not c”v saying to forget about the other 10, but even if we don’t yet have an eitzah for the 10, at least help the 90 with something concrete!

    • You are so wrong it’s scary. This year it’s 90 boys 100 girls, so ten extra. Next year (growing population) it’s 95 boys 110 girls, so 15 extra. No suppose you’re a boy, and you don’t know anything about marriage, so you want looks and money. This year you didn’t get that, will you settle? Or you could just wait till next year’s sem girls ship comes in. Maybe you will win the lottery! And then you could wait another year… 19 year old girls go out with boys from 21-25, so all of the amazing ideas to redt more shidduchim are worthless. What we need to do is shrink the available pool of girls, until there is no longer a massive imbalance that allows immature boys to dictate terms. A very simple way to do that is to put girls in a freezer till they turn 23. Thanks for listening, it bothers me that so many amazing girls can’t get a date because of the shortsightedness of some

      • I hear what you are saying. But… there are numerous factors at play.
        You definitely have a point that the gap keeps growing each year, and that many boys are too immature to know what marriage is about.
        But what you are suggesting is to experiment on the current girls who can possibly he helped NOW, and instead of trying to find a shidduch for them, you will put them in a freezer and have them wait, which although MIGHT help, it also might now. Woops. They’re now stuck, because the boys want to marry someone younger and this was a failed experiment.
        I’m not saying that we do not fgure out something else, but start with what you have. “vus is zicher is zicher”.

  16. It’s terrible what’s going on here with the shidduch crisis.

    They should make something in Citifield about it.

    Also in the Prudential center in Newark NJ .

    And if that dosnt work , then take out MetLife stadium .

    And if that dosnt work……

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