With the topic of shidduchim once again front and center — especially as we head into Bein Hazmanim, a time when many dates, Bashows and engagements take place — we want to hear from you.
There’s been a lot of discussion recently around the age people get married — whether in the context of starting shidduchim “too young,” “waiting too long,” or simply reflecting on how age plays a role in marriage readiness.
What age were you when you got married?
Was it earlier or later than your peers?
Do you feel you should have gotten married earlier or later?
Do you feel the age at which you got married helped or hurt your early married life?
Did it affect your ability to build a home, develop maturity, take on responsibilities, or balance learning, work, or family?
And if you’re still single — how do you feel about the expectations around age in the shidduch system? Are you feeling pressure, and from whom?
Sharing personal experiences can be insightful, encouraging, and helpful to others navigating this challenging parsha.
Comment below.
I got married as a 21 year-old boy. I definitely would say it would be smarter to wait a bit. But I would say it has more to do with experience than age. If ur Chassidish and u go to EY at 19 than maybe 21 would be fine. I skipped EY.
As far as my wife, she got married straight out of seminary. I can tell you in retrospect we’re both not fans of that. Girls must settle down at least a couple of months if not a year after seminary.
Sorry to hear.
Bh! We’re happily married but it definitely made it more challenging and we grew through it but if u asked me I’d tell u to take ur time.
A little secret, no matter how old you are when you get married, there are always major adjustments. As someone who wasn’t zoche to get married until older I can tell you that we had our struggles as well. We were both older and used to immense amounts of privacy. That meant that sharing things were very hard. I’m talking sharing computer. What financial expenses are really needed. Just to name a few. When you’re younger,you’re doing these things together for the first time in life. Maturity in marriage and for marriage doesn’t really start until the yichud room.
this is not a good question because most of the adult readership got married before the age gap crisis swelled to great numbers, struggled through High School tests and so on and did not really sit and learn until going to Eretz Yisroel, so a shidduch before learning some more back in the US was not at all looked down upon, and to communicate everyone had to wait for a turn at the payphone booths, and ask someone else where to go for a date.
today, most boys already finished masechtos in the lower mesivta grades, know how to learn lomdus before going to Eretz Yisroel, and come back to the US to a world full of internet. they are basically facing the world at large on their own.
so we are hearing that the system needs to be changed. some say, NO! it was so perfect decades ago… but some and probably most are saying, our children are not growing up in the world that was, and we need to reevaluate and allow them to maximize their own opportunity to succeed in life, by getting married earlier.
I (M27) got married at 21. My wife was 21 too. I was always more mature than my peers and had been wanting to get married and start a family. It worked for me but I definitely think I was an exception, not the rule. Only one other friend told me he felt ready at that time. My wife, on the other hand says that although it was hard because half her class was already married, in retrospect she is happy that she had 2 years of real life experience and had settled into a career before marriage.
Got married 24 against the halacha. Due to the my rosh yeshiva holding on to me and the freezer. It would have been much better for me to get married at age 20, and my wife be young as well. once we are sitting in that way, it’s much harder to have a great marriage.
Sounds like you need a therapist
I started shidduchim at age 21 and actually got married at 22. I think I was ready at 21 but Hashem had other plans and as usual it was perfect. So my take is just sit back and watch the proverbial show that Hashem is playing before your eyes. You can do your hishtadlus according to what seems correct in your eyes but always remember that we know nothing and Hashem knows everything. So sit back and relax and watch the show and stop telling Hashem what to do
I didn’t get married until my high 20’s with this including a few younger siblings getting married before me and when they kindly asked me if I mind if they get married ahead of me, I Told them immediately to not wait one minute longer and walk down the chuppah now cause Hashem already has my zivvug setup for me and when the time is right Hashem will send my zivvug to me.
Boruch hashem I got married a few years later and we have a beautiful family of many children.
THERE IS NO SHIDDUCH CRISES
Hashem has YOUR zivvug waiting for you on a silver platter and is just waiting for your yearning call out to Hashem to send your zivvug to you and your true Bitachon and Emunah in Hashem.
May Hashem help everyone still waiting to get married and build a family.
The crisis is the idea that we get to choose when we begin looking for a shidduch. Your Bashert might start earlier then you. When your Bashert is redt, you say I’m not interested yet. Guess what, Rav Elya Weintrab ZATZAL said when you do that, you lose your bashert. The entire concept of hashem controling your matzav was shut down by you intentionaly. Rav Weintraub further said that someone who pushes away their Bashert can lose out completely. He was asked to daven for the same bachur a couple of times and said there’s nothing to do for him, because he refused his Bashert.
Claiming that hishtadlus has no role in shidduchim, or that your zivug is automatic, is against Chazal. You sound more Christian than Jewish.
Noone claimed that there’s no need for hishtadlus but Hashem is not waiting for the gashmius hishtadlus of dating and speaking with shadchanim etc….. Hashem is waiting for the RUCHNIUS hishtadlus of Bitachon and Emunah and wholehearted tefillah directly to Hashem. As we say at the end of bentching from Tehillim “vdorshei Hashem”….. which means “for one that seeks out help DIRECTLY FROM HASHEM lacks nothing.
Start working on your ruchnius hishtadlus and make a daily learning seder of Chovos Halevavos.
Got married at 25. Wish I went to work when I was anyway not using my time properly and built a savings like some of my friends did. Instead I have been working since 3 months after marriage with no extras to invest or build a business.
A rather insensitive question.
agree
I got married at 27. At that point I kind of gave up and settled. I was stupid in my younger shidduch years. I let some of the good ones go bc I was too focused on my “list” and too focused on chitzoniyus. Long story short my advice is don’t do what I did.
Get married young! Don’t let Yeshiva’s tell you what to do.
I got married at 29. When I left yeshiva my father told me that he wouldn’t pay for my wedding, so I pushed off dating for years.
Looking back I feel that had I gotten married earlier I would have matured earlier and been where I am now at 5-7 years younger.
Like many guys (who fell out of the yeshiva system) I didn’t think about a career and I had random jobs until I got married and figured out that I have to start really providing.
In conclusion I think the earlier a person can get married the better.
wish u would be more sensitive!
F/23
Later than most my friends though in retrospect it gave me longer to work on myself and enjoy life. It was hard though to keep losing friends and waiting even though I wasnt soooo old…
Honestly I don’t think the rest of the questions are fair or relevant as each person’s situation will be different.
A mature 20 year old can get married and an immature 29 year old can get married and their marriage success or issues will not have much to do with their age but will have much to do with their middos. (My husband was older so technically should have been more mature and responsible- but we won’t discuss that part.)
Instead of focusing on age for shidduchim, we need to start training the boys and girls how to be caring, responsible, kind, mevater, finacially aware etc and then age makes no difference at all!
I got married at 33, and married a wonderful wife and have a wonderful family B”H. I am not saying that you should wait, no, it was painful to see everyone else getting married. I was in yeshiva, but Iike most older singles its not b/c we are “picky”, there is an issue why you are not making the decision, and you need someone to talk to about that issue, or to find out what the issue is, someone that you trust, like an older yungerman or Rebbe, to help you through it. I even spoke to a dating therapist at the end, by recommendation of a Rav that I trusted, which helped me make the final decision in the end. My message to all the older singles is DONT GIVE UP! Keep on trying, you may not get everything you think you want/need, speak to a mentor/Rebbe, daven earnestly and try your hardest to do the right thing, and you will be happily married. Marriage is always an adjustment, some hard moments/days, keep your Rebbe and speak to him about these times, but you will look back at the lonely single years and you will say to yourself that this is definitely way better than still being single!
I got married at 21 and my husband was 23. I dated a lot of boys during that year of dating and that was what made me grow the most- my advice is for singles to use each date they go on as a means to the end- learn about yourself – what you like, what matters to you, how to express your views clearly- its a real time for growth. Challenge yourself to one or two more dates if looks are the only thing bothering you- you’d be surprised how attractive respect is if you give that time to grow.
I immediately knew my husband was the one because my other experiences clarified what was important to me.
In some ways I felt like im FINALLY engaged but the responsibility of running a home was a lot for me so young. Cooking and cleaning weren’t things I have done consistently before and striving for perfection in that was a lot of pressure- but I think being married younger made it easier to blend together and create a new life for both of us. We literally live the same life and are close because we got married young. Some comments I hear about other peoples marriage is that they lead parallel lives and think if you don’t fight you have good shalom bayis. There’s a closeness that is missing in that way of life which each couple can achieve.
love this
Best Advice on this forum!!
In Ytv 1994, most of the class got married or engaged by 22 Inc those who went to ey,
Boy got married at 23 to girl 21. Very happily married. I did date girls older and younger than me as that was not a factor in my decisions. Started Dating at 21. If you are shtark bochur and litvish then learn and no need to rush. I shteiged and it was worth it . I continued in kollel many years later as well.
I believe if you get married younger, you end up learning less in the long run, as once the family grows you are responsible to support the Family and most can’t do it by staying in Kollel.
You must connect yourself with a shiur or daily learning schedule even if you go to work and Not just 1 hour a day or 1 daf maximum. If you want to suceed that should be the minimum .
A girl who is older than 19 may have some savings a major plus as well. A girl right out of seminary is a major risk as she may be acting instead of being real which is looking for disasters.
IT IS extremely important is that a boy continues with a rebbe and does not leave go. A girl must stay attached to yiddhkeit via davening shiurim and other ruchniyus actions daily even after marriage.
If either the boy or girl fail to follow a Rov/ Rebbe hadracha for everthing then they will fall. So getting married young or old without hadracha is one big disaster.
Correct.
I get married at 25 1/2 after finishing the freezer at BMG. Now I’m 40 and only have two kids because we weren’t able to have kids for a few years. I wish all boys would get married under 20 and become grandparents at 40.
Feel for you,
The freezer is a killer!!!!
3 months was not the difference!
My husband was 23 and I was 20. The fact we weren’t perfectly ‘mature’ help us grow together. On a side note I didn’t go to sem in Israel and my husband didn’t either go to yeshiva in Israel he was learning great in America and was advised to stay in learning here. We are both happy with our decisions and don’t regret it. The only part that was slightly difficult was in the beginning of our marriage my husband had to learn a bit more in responsibility and taking care of our home responsibilities I think that it was because he never lived far from home (didn’t have that time in Israel where he had to fend for himself) but like I said he figured it out and we’re happily married bh.
Nothing to do with going to EY.
Got married at 25 (female)
O grew tremendously in sem and I wanted to keep working on myself and get to a certain place before marriage. Got my toes wet at 21 and really started dating at 22. I am so grateful for the time I had as I made the most of it and I can honestly say that I am a completely different person and therefore married a completely different person than I would have at 18. I also invested in my job, which enabled me to come into marriage with some money and more importantly financial awareness. I took advantage of unique chesed opportunities that were available to me only because I was single.
The first few years were easier for me because even though many of my friends got married and had children, I knew that I wasn’t ready. But even then, and especially once I started dating it was hard living in a community that values marriage and family there were many times I felt extremely out of place and lonely. Family events, Simchos etc., these are hard enough for any single who feels like s/he SHOULD be married and then you gotta put up with people’s comments…
I’m grateful that I pit myself out there and made new friends and then again and again once those got married and busy but it was HARD!
I think we would benefit from NOT rushing into marriage, but singles need the community support for this. Treat us like the adults we are, reach out to invite us for Shabbos etc. we are humans and we have desire for connection if we don’t have marriage at least we should feel our friends and family support us!
It’s not rushing anything getting married younger. The concept that it’s rushing comes from the goyishe velt. They also say one should have an established career beofre marriage, or at minimum beore having children. That’s why working gentiles don’t have children until their mid 30’s.
I think it’s also Hishtadlus to make sure couples have established source of income before marriage. Would help solve the credit card debt crisis too.
Debt has nothing to do with your job. Hashem is in charge of finances. You need to work, because that’s the way hashem gives you parnasah. thining having ajob before marriage would resolve debt is completely incorrect. My wife and are were both 30 with jobs, and have been in debt for a very long time. Including succesful job with pension. Hashem is the only decider of finances. Don’t be a kofer over this.
I believe the new takana is girls should NOT date until 20 as that is what Daas Torah said to do, so therefore it is assur to suggest dates for girls who just came back from seminary. I happen to have dated girls straight out of seminary but got married at 24 to a 23 year old.
Takanah never happened. No one is interested in it. Guys have to stop being babies about dating, and start looking for a shidduch at a younger age. Guys are just to settled in being spoon fed rather then following halacha. As Reb Chaim said, Rav Shteinman said, A guy has to begin looking for a shidduch younger. They and others have said, any form of freezer for men is assur from the Torah. Even signing a contract agreeing to wait, is worth less then toilet paper.
SINLGE AT 21 WOULD LOVE TO BE MARRIED.
A LAKEWOOD GIRL
May AHshem send your bashert B;karov. Hopefully he isn’t one of those that have already turned your resume away.
I’m single Male age 48 Lakewood NJ.
After 20 years of frustration I decided to stop dating and accepted singlehood. I discovered all the advantages of being in my current status.
Got married at 20 to my husband who was 23. Then crashed because I was burned out from running my parents’ dysfunctional house since I was 12. Had two kids right away and then landed up in IOP with severe post partum depression. B”H I have a Rav who got involved and guided us, so our marriage survived (mainly because I haven’t had more kids). I probably would have done better had I moved out and spent a few years healing before I got married, but I need to believe that the Rabbanim and professionals who gave me the okay to date and marry were just shiluchim and for some reason this was part of the plan that me, my husband and our kids needed to go through.