Children love to be entertained. Their capacity for fun seems endless. Parents, however, have limited time, money and patience. If children respect the bounds set by their parents, both parents and children will enjoy the outing. But if children try to exceed their parents’ tolerance, a fiasco is inevitable.
Just as children wish to be indulged without limitation, so too do adults yearn to be listened to by their spouses without restriction. It is enormously gratifying to be the speaker while your spouse indulges you as the listener. But if you exceed your spouse’s tolerance, a potentially constructive communication session can deteriorate into a shouting match like this one.
“You never have enough time for me,” a wife complained. “You are always willing to talk to everyone else. But you are so impatient with me. It has been so long since we last had a chance to talk and now you are cutting me off before we even got started. There is so much I wanted to say and now you are telling me you have to go. I feel so put down and hurt!”
“‘Not enough time’,” the husband shot back. “‘Not enough time’? Do you realize how long I have been listening to you now? Do you see what time it is? There are so many responsibilities that I am ignoring now just to be able to listen to you. And you have the audacity to say that I have not given you enough time? There is never enough time for you, no matter how long I talk with you. I just feel you will never be satisfied!”
Sound familiar? If so, you may need to set some parameters on your communication sessions at home. If you do, the speaker will not feel cut off and the listener will not feel unfairly imposed upon.
The main point here is that if you are the speaker, it is your responsibility to respect whatever time limits you and your spouse have agreed upon in advance. If you do, your spouse will be more likely to be willing to listen to you again, in the future. If you do not, your spouse may look for any opportunity to avoid listening to you, again.
Or, as Chazal put it more succinctly, “Tafasta meruba lo tafasta; If you try to grab too much, you may end up with nothing.” (Rosh Hashana 4b)
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Dr. Meir Wikler is a psychotherapist and family counselor in full-time private practice with offices in Brooklyn, N.Y. and Lakewood, N.J. This article has been adapted with permission of the author and publisher from Ten Minutes a Day to a Better Marriage: Getting Your Spouse to Understand You by Dr. Meir Wikler (Artscroll, 2003).
It would seem, according to Chazal, that the time should be lopsided 10/1 in the womens favor
Then a fair deal for those husbands who feels like the wife took too much of their time, is to track how long they spend time shmuzing in shul, on the phone, etc. Your spouse is your closest person, and hypothetically a person doing so much for you(in ideal situation). Doing fact checking is beneficial for both people in this case, not only a listener aka “taker” . Wives who claim that husbands have time for everyone, but them, probably have some validity to their point, so why won’t each spouse do an honest fact checking with themselves and facts. If the husband regularly stays in shul to shmuz ,or is constantly on the phone, then he probably could find time to listen to his wife. Besides ,you should know, as the couples therapist, that women have much bigger emotional needs to communicate and talk, than men, and it’s essential that a husband would make it a part of his day to give it to his wife (if he wants a healthy marriage and good relationship with a spouse). Men and women have different needs in marriage, it’s normal that wife wants and needs to talk more than a husband.
Maybe they should also set parameters at home on everything each spouse does, that it should be fair, like cooking, cleaning -how long all this stuff takes. It’s so unfair to do the household chores and take care of the kids, and be set a limited time to speak to your husband by timer. So maybe wives should also have a timer how long they clean or cook, and once it reaches their tolerance level, the job should be done. Introduce parameters and limits to everything, not only talking.
At B.b.
I think the point Dr. M.W. was trying to make isn’t clear enough in the article, however he does say that once the couple agrees to a time the speaker won’t feel cut off.
Timelines are important for all chores you mentioned. Supper needs to be ready at a certain time, so you may have to choose something less gourmet to complete it on time. You may not be able to do all the laundry today, so you have to check what needs to be clean for tomorrow etc.
Having a set time for the listener can change the whole dynamic from 1 speaker and 1 listener to both people feeling connected.
If the listener previously without a set time felt stuck just listening, now with an agreed upon time they can focus on their spouse and pay attention to what their spouse is feeling, not just listening and saying oh and hmm or quickly offering what they feel is practical advice.
Yes, I m sure Mr. Wikler meant good, however, it portrays a woman as someone time-consuming (in this particular story), and a husband as resentful because in his opinion, he already gave her so much time, and she blames him for not giving enough. The article is not so well -written, because it kind of validates only one spouse, the husband. Who said he is even emotionally available and its true that he was listening to her ” so long already”? They should do mutual fact checking, and I wont be surprised to find out, that the husband also has issues, and she was only talking for 3 mintutes, while for him it felt” like an hour already”. Dynamics of one spouse being unavailable, and another pursuing, is pretty common, and it goes to deeper issues than adhering to time limits, but its still a good idea to really verify if she talks too much, or he listens too little and loses patience.
the idea is not bad, but when the author called it “setting limits” it sort of validated the unavailable spouse’s perception that the wife is ” too much” and he needs limits from her. If the article would be called “making set time for communication” (or convey this idea), it would change perspective for both, a husband would not be obligated to listen indefinitely, and a wife would know there is time reserved for her in her husbands schedule.
This is the opposite of HAV, ahava-giving!
Everyone knows women need to talk more than men, that will never be balanced. And most women do most of the housework and childcare. And caring and giving your families comes before strangers. Yes, he’ll hock in shul, he should listen to his wife.
This article is awful. Limits? Just no!
LOL. I literally have this issue. BH we dont fight about it, but it definitely is an UNSETTLED matter.
So you suggest NO time limits? Just giving?
So if I work till 7, and spend a half hour with my children then, then go to Seder and Maariv till 9:15
After which I come home and get ready for Night classes till about 11, you think that leaves a lot of time?
If i let my gaurd down, its over. I missed things, and things get out of hand.
So yes, while my wife and I make time to schmooze (aside from supper)
Theres not really much freedom before 11.
And she likes to be asleep by 10:30
SO while you may have great theological “Toirahs”
The fact is, that as with everything else in life, there needs to be a healthy balance struck.
sorry, and supper from 7:30-8. just to be clear
What would Rabbi Avigdor Miller, A”H, suggest?
smell good and keep your mouth closed
Sounds like a plan. Staying out of the spouse’s orbit as much as possible would also go along wayay!.
A long way.
Mr Wikler instead of teaching people to be loving and caring, thereby building trust and warm relationships you are promoting here a sense of coldness, distance, self entitlement and self centeredness.
Especially today’s generation which has no self control the bit they realize it’s not about themselves but their spouse you are telling them to turn against this too.
not be self centered you are promoting
Instead of listening to these goyish ideas, these guys should listen to torahdige shmuesen like those of Reb Yoel Roth and the way he talks about the chashivus of a wife which the husband should cherish and honor. A total differnt message than this selfish approach!
Why did you marry someone if you don’t genuinely like her, respect her thoughts, and care about what she has to say? I’m so confused.