As Yom Kippur closes in on us we hastily rush about our last minute preparations. Kaporos, tashlich, lots of charity and the intensification of our prayers. Before we know it we will be thrust into the holiest of days. The seudah hamafsekes comes along; it’s just moments now. We can already hear the strains of the ancient kol nidrei melody ringing in our ears as we dash off to shul. Then, Yom Kippur commences with all of our ardent yearnings and hopes for forgiveness.
But one second. Not so fast! Yom Kippur, with all its holiness and awesomeness, will atone for most of our sins, but not all. There are many sins that Yom Kippur won’t touch. Those are the sins that are between man and his fellow…
– Gossip
– Slander
– Biting criticism
– Humiliation
These are all outside the “jurisdiction” of Yom Kippur. Scary thought, huh?!
All of the effort you will put into your Yom Kippur repentance won’t erase the gossip.
All the tears, fasting and self affliction won’t wipe out the hurtful words.
All the agonizing hours spent in shul pouring out your heart to Hashem won’t alleviate the damage done to another’s feelings.
Atonement for these sins can only be gained by requesting forgiveness from those we have hurt. The reason is simple yet fundamental. We must understand that part of our relationship with Hashem is the relationship between ourselves and our fellow Jews. The two are inseparable. Bona-fide Torah observance doesn’t allow for the railroading and trampling of individuals, notwithstanding any so called lofty goals.
The Gemara tells us that one of the questions the Angel of Death asks at the moment of death is, “Did you treat your friend royally?” He doesn’t use the terminology “Did you allow your friend to co-exist with you.” No, he uses the words “treat your friend royally.” This is because we are all princes and princesses in God’s royal family and deserve to be treated as such.
Time to Get Over It
The following true story brings the lesson of Yom Kippur home in a most poignant way.
Shmulik was having a lousy morning. He had just had an extremely heated argument with his wife which he concluded by walking out and slamming the door of his West Bank home. Rivka, his wife, was visibly hurt and pained.
Fifteen minutes later the phone rang. “Hi Rivka, its Shmulik. I’m heading into the tunnel and I just wanted to say that I love you and I’m so sorry for what happened before.”
Why the sudden change of face?
“The tunnel” Shmulik was referring to connected two parts of the West Bank, necessitating its use by many settlers. In years past there have been numerous sniper attacks in or around the tunnel. Some people have entered the tunnel never to come out on the other side.
People started calling it the “Tunnel of Love” because when you enter the dreaded tunnel and sheer terror grips you, you distinctly realize that life is the most precious commodity of all. It suddenly dawns upon you that there really isn’t anything worth fighting over. All of a sudden you realize that what type of house you live in or who drives a fancier car seems so frivolous and petty. Your only fervent wish is to make it out alive and see your loved ones again. Because after all is said and done nothing matters more than your relationships with the people in your life.
Yom Kippur is a tunnel of sorts. At this riveting moment we are begging and cajoling Hashem for the gift of life and all its necessities. In return we promise to start making things right.
Well here’s one place you can start.
Pick up the phone and call that person that you haven’t been on speaking terms with. Ask forgiveness from those you have hurt and offended. Make up with your neighbor, ex-business associate or old classmate. Tell your mom, dad, brother, sister, spouse, kids or in-laws how much you love them and care about them. Because after all is said and done other things don’t matter much.
If you are reading this on Yom Kippur and don’t have the opportunity to call and ask forgiveness, then read Tefillas Zaakah. Cry and beg Hashem to help you find favor in the eyes of those you wronged.
Forgive with a full heart those who have mistreated you. Promise to call them after Yom Kippur to personally ask for forgiveness and have them in mind in your prayers.
In the Tomer Devorah, the classical work that describes in practical terms how man can emulate the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy, the author writes: “These are the Thirteen attributes of Mercy with which man should seek to resemble his creator; all of them are attributes of Divine Mercy. Their special characteristics are that if a person will conduct himself by them in the physical world, he will open the corresponding Divine Attribute from Above. Just as he acts below, so will he be treated from Above and cause the Attribute he emulates to enlighten the world.”
May we all be blessed with the best year of our lives!
A fellow Yid.
Another thing Yom Kippur is not Mechapper is for causing damage to someone and not reimbursing them. Sadly to say I have heard of many stories where people caused damage to someones car and said they will pay and not to call the police. Then they find every excuse not to pay. YOM KIPPUR IS NOT MECHAPPER.
Does this mean that the “askonim” & “mechanchim” who put us through the ringer this summer have to ask for mechila? We’re all listed in the Lakewood directory. There are more of this than you like to admit. My friend got a phone call asking for mechila 7 YEARS LATER. Is there a statute of limitations?
Must we forgive these people?
Beautifully written.
May we all merit forgiveness, both from God and from our fellow Jews whom we have wronged.
If any anonymous person asks for and grants mechila then we are all officialy moichel each other. So I am asking mchila from any parent or menahel or officer or hatzolah member or township committeman or tax assessor or landlord or rav. I am in turn moichel every blogger yeshiva guy hocker askan tutzich,professional critic or bored housewife. Whew! I think that covers everyone. Ok now after yom kippur the scoop can start witha clean slate.
I think you seriously need to reflect and ask mechila of the askonim. What do they owe you ? Do they do this for pay or kovod ? They try to help get your child into school and for the most part succeed.they gave up their jobs and learning for 5 months 24 7. They don’t expect a thank you as that is asking too much. But to actually curse them out like this ? I would call them to ask Mechila if I were you.