[Reader-submitted] With the recent start of school, it is not difficult to imagine the following scenario: At this year’s teacher’s meeting in a successful boys elementary school with a growth rate of approximately 10%,one of the Rebbeim suggested that the talmidim be paired up with students from older grades for the purpose of chazzering their studies at the end of the day. This would create an unbelievable spirit of achdus and camaraderie in the school. Everyone agreed that the idea sounded great–eighth graders would be matched with sixth graders, and seventh with fifth to chazzer their Gemara. Then for the younger boys, fourth graders would be matched with third graders to chazzer their Mishnayos.
Once the Assistant Principal sat down to make the chavrusas, he realized he had a problem. Since the school boasted approximately a 10% growth rate, Boruch Hashem, there were 70 children in eighth grade, and 78 in seventh. There were 86 talmidim in sixth grade and 98 in fifth grade. How would he match the 70 boys in eighth grade to the 86 in sixth? So he tried to sneak some seventh graders to learn with the sixth graders—which worked out for the sixth graders. But then when he went to work on matching the seventh graders to the 98 fifth graders, he had a serious problem. He had already used 16 of the 78 seventh graders, so he only had 72 left to match to the 98 fifth graders. At that point, it was clear the plan wouldn’t work.
So the Assistant Principal tried to match eighth graders with seventh, and sixth with fifth, and so on. This was somewhat better, matching 70 eighth graders with 78 seventh graders, and 86 sixth graders with 98 fifth graders. However, there was still quite a discrepancy. It is debatable whether it is worthwhile pursuing this plan, and let the others fend for themselves (since not everyone needs a chavrusa). In the meantime, they had the Rabbeim of each grade to divide the boys among the grade, which is not what we had in mind, but it seems to be working.
I am not a principal, nor a school director, but just a concerned member of Klal Yisrael with a similar math question.
Boruch Hashem, Klal Yisrael’s current growth rate of about 4% a year, ken yirbu, has presented issues with the ways we have been conducting ourselves with regard to shidduchim. Currently, in the yeshiva communities, the average bachur marries a girl about 2 ½ years younger than himself, which presents a problem similar to the one detailed in the above school scenario. For example, take a bachur born in 1990, who is looking to marry a girl born in 1992. There were fewer boys born in 1990 than in 1992, so how will there be enough boys for all the girls in 1992?
If we take some boys from the next batch, we would end up like the Assistant Principal who tried to match the seventh graders to make up the missing shortfall of eighth, and then ran into a bigger problem when he started with the next batch.
This question has been bothering me for the past fourteen years, and I asked around, and the answer I got ranged from, “It’s not all about numbers,” or “Some girls marry boys from other countries,” and “If it works, let’s leave well enough alone.”
About 6 years ago, I started hearing and reading about the problem, and I was glad that the problem was finally brought to public awareness. There may be other problems with the shidduch system, but until we get out of this, we will always have too many girls!
Our Gedolim shlita, both in America and Eretz Yisrael, are fully aware of the problem, and understanding the root cause of the problem, say that the only thing we can do b’derech hateva, is to close the gap. They are working with the Gedolei Roshei Yeshivos shlita (as you may know that a few Roshei Yeshiva made a trip to Eretz Yisrael to discuss this issue) to decide which route is best: should we leave the status quo and let the loose ends figure themselves out? Should the bachurim start earlier? Girls later?
Obviously, this is a difficult question, and we need true daas Torah for this. It is understandable that every small move we make in the right direction helps and goes a long way, making ripple effects. However, if we do nothing, rachmana litzlan, according to derech hateva, the problem will not resolve itself, and will only get worse (think about matching the 130 third grade students with 152 first grade students—with the 4% growth, you can consider it over two years at 8%).
Other communities (such as the Chassidim and Sefardim) are looking at us and see the problem, and therefore their Gedolim are taking steps to insure that the problem with the age gap does not infiltrate their communities.
There is a long road to a full recovery, which looks like it’s already on the way. In the meantime, what can we do about it (on an individual and collective level)?
First of all, we need to understand the problem and its cause. However, there is something we can all do and it will help immediately. And that is davening. With the Yomim Noraim right before us, what better time is there for tefillah? When we say ברך עלינו שנה טובה, we should think how much better and sweeter our year would be with this issue resolved. The month of Tishrei is a precious Eis Ratzon with its many opportunities for tefillah: Rosh Hashanah, Tekios, Tashlich, Aseres Yemei Teshuvah, Kaparos, Yom Kippur, Neilah, Succos, Ushpizin, Hoshanos, and Hakafos. We call all have this in mind during our tefillos. Say, “We are ready to listen to the Gedolim shilta, but we need great Seyata D’shmaya. Hakadosh Baruch Hu, please help that in the shana tova haba aleinu, this problem should resolve itself.”
I wonder what other people think on this issue.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and wishing you all a Kesiva V’chasima Tova.
Sincerely,
A simple Yid who worries about his sisters, cousins, neighbors, friends and all of Klal Yisrael.
Tut mir a toivah!
The problem is that whatever the gedolim do, there will be those who won’t listen, or better yet, will start protesting that the gedolim are just trying to control everyone and are so out of touch etc. Therefore, the gedolim have decided that there is nothing they can do. (as told to me by one of the gedolim)
Wow finally someone explained it well. I have been trying to explain for some time that this is the problem, the only problem and not any other. It seems people can’t/won’t understand this simple math equation well so glad someone tried to explain it well. I have heard all sorts of other convoluted reasons for the discrepancy and reasons why this math shouldn’t compute – none of which make sense as the author points out.
This is so true. I was mamesh crying wen I read it
This whole “age gap is cause of shidduch problem” theory is based on zero fact checking.
All over the world for millenia men married older than women.
In the United States that is the case as well. 2 years is the average gap in the US. Boys also have a much higher mortality rate. In our tzibbur perhaps boys go off the derech at a higher rate. It’s a shanda that everyone jumps on board with zero research done.
Use your seichel…. Do some research.
Yes, there is a shidduch problem but you( (and NASI) are barking up the wrong tree.
Great letter. It shows the numbers plain and simple I think a great idea is to have some type mod freezer for the girls. There is no reason that a girl should be married right off the plane. If she would wait a year or two she would have a plan in life so she can support her husband.
your 100% right
this is the main cause of the shidduch problem
but the solution and the reason it is not being solved is obvious
and i quote you
“but until we get out of this, we will always have too many girls!”
so as it is now in the yishivishe world the girls are left with the problem
so who is supposed to fix it? the boys?
the boys have it great . the laws of supply and demand give them long lists when they come back from eretz Israel while girls can wait months for a call.
and g-d forbid one should mention that girls should wait 2.5 years until they start going out . people will look at like what type of chutzpa do you have to say anything like that.
well i have some news girls . shidduchim is not a government hand out or an entitlement program. unless you girls team together and all wait to years until you start going out , you will always have the problem . no one will help you
Daven hard for a baby boy!!!!!!
How can you compare a school body, with a fixed amount of students, to the entire world, where you can not even begin to calculate available girls and boys! In one of the wedding halls in Lakewood that I run, just this season alone I have seen people from Lakewood marry chassanim from: Toronto, Brooklyn, Philadelphia, Passaic, Chicago Detroit, LA, Israel and Brazil! (Among others I cannot remember offhand…). The point is, that your parable is flawed. The “age-gap” theory is far from proven as fact and has been questioned by many.
Hashem has decreed who will marry whom – there is a zivug out there for EVERYONE. May it be His will that all those searching for their partners will find it speedily!
The writer raises a true point. But, as a retired shadchan & still in touch w/ many shadchanim the worst part of the crisis is the silly, trivial stuff that goes into the decision-making process. Like which city/neighborhood the other side is from, is he too yeshivish/balabatish/american/european, too soft/strong, outspoken/quiet and my personal favorite: how many yrs will he learn. This list goes on. But nows not the time. But – keep in mind, while ur davening for him/her to find a shidduch daven that they’re parents should GET REAL. DB
#10, you are right on the mark. I am also desperately trying to help people with shidduchim and the nonsense I hear from the parents gets more mind boggling by the day. And…. the kids are getting older and older and older. Oy vey…..
My favorite question is: do they use silverware or plastic ware. The funny thing is that these same people who ask so many questions by shiduchim and are so picky, are the same people who are so upset with the schools who are picky.
We use paper plates in the house but treat it like china. I saw that comment on another website.
If it were considered the ‘in’ thing to date and marry a girl older than the boy, it could easily take off. The recently noted ads recommending this and the very good benefits are the way to go. We need an even stronger push with this effort so the org behind these ads should be strongly supported.
Obviously, the answer is to have some 8th graders learning with more than one 6th grader 🙂
Seichel and “flawed parable”, you don’t understand. The US population is stable, so the 8th grade class generally has the same number of students as the 6th grade.
On the other hand, the American yeshivish population who generally marry among each other is a relatively small group (yes, even when you add up Flatbush and Monsey and Lakewood and even Chicago and LA) which is growing quickly. The average family size today is much larger than what it was 30 years ago which is much larger than it was 30 years before that. Just look at the count of bochurim in BMG which is growing at a steady pace.
Of course you’re going to end up with the situation described in this post.
#10, jog-a-thon Rules, you are of course right, but that is not the point of this post. The result of the too-picky problem can only cause an equal number of boys and girls to remain not married.
The situation that we all see is that there are far more girls than boys in that situation. That can only be attributed to the population problem.
# 5 what are you talking about boys have a higher mortality rate? Are you saying many more boys than girls die before the age of 20? Boys go off at a higher rate? For decades boys always married younger girls? Even if this was true as the poplulation grows the problem gorows exponentially more and more? Please stick to the points and refute them mathematically not with gibberish
# 9 you also dont deal with the math. It is not a theory but a mathematical equation. Please refute the math or leave it alone if you can’t understand.
Chaim..No gibberish here. My point is there are many factors involved. It is silly to make assumptions and than solve the crisis based on those unsubstantiated assumptions.About 5% more boys are born each year than girls. Not as people assume half and half. If not for the age gap perhaps there would be too MANY boys. Hashem also made that boys die at a faster rate. NASI is making
The US population is growing as well so there should be same age gap issue albeit at a smaller pace.
NASI makes many assumptions which may or may not be true. It is definitely not as mathematically clear as this article makes it sound.
I mentioned going off the derech as another theory which may be part of the cause of crisis. Maybe it is boys higher rates of sickness as well. Maybe its girls not being willing to marry working boys as well. The point is the problem is not so pashut so neither is the solution.