Readers’ Scoop: My Parents Or Her Parents For Pesach Seder?

Readers-Scoop-Logo smallTLS, I recently got married and I’m in a small dilemma. I’m here to hear what the norm is and what other people suggest doing. A recent conversation about Pesach came up and the question of who to spend the pesach seder by, was discussed. My wife, who comes from a more yeshivish home insists on going to her parents for the seder. Now I don’t come from a very yeshivish home, and I don’t know what most people do, but I don’t feel comfortable going to my Inlaws for the Seder so shortly after my wedding. Now I know many will say “well your wife probably doesn’t feel comfortable going to your parents either”. That’s exactly my problem. I don’t know what the right thing is to do. On one hand Iwant to make my wife happy and do whatever makes her happy, but on the other hand I am really not excited about going to my Inlaws for the Seder. What is the right thing to do?

I know this may sound like a petty question, but i’m sure many newlyweds understand the sensitivity in the matter and I would appreciate some sincere feedback.

Thank you TLS for allowing me to write to your readers.

A newlywed.

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54 COMMENTS

  1. im my opinion you need a rav almost all sholom bayis problems could be prevented with das torah. get a rav before u get a get

  2. Make a goral Then, go to the loser’s(?) side for Pesach Sheini.
    I personally go to the one with the best compote(sorry Mommy).

  3. Look we have a lot of complex issues everyday throughout our lives. Must we always air them on TLS to get an answer? Rabbi Miller ztl (at leat I think it was him ) used to say that Shana rishona you should ask EVERY single question to your Rov. There are so many factors here. If yoyr parents are more modern, they may gain Chizuk from your input. If her parents are the sensitive type, they may get insulted , just always ask a Rov and you will get what Ha-shem wants from you. I’m not going to ask the question as to what a newlywed yungerman is doing online in the firstplace

  4. I want me dear aydem to know that if he chooses to go to his parents’
    house for the sedorim, if that’s what he decides, so be it. My husband and I will fully support his decision. However, my husband and I will
    no longer fully support him.

  5. Grow up. There are people with real problems in the world like parnassa,tzar gidul banim and r”l terrible illness.

    Are you, your wife, your parents, and your in-laws all so petty?

    If you and your wife cannot agree on something as minor as this, i hate to think about the future.

  6. Sheifele, I know how difficult this decision is. It’s almost as difficult as it was to change you diapers for 2+ years. Not to mention cleaning for Pesach while I was expecting you. Do what you think is best.
    Break my heart if you must.

  7. Well if this makes you happy im suffering from a major anxiety disorder, I cant sleep at night and I will be going to my in-laws for the Sadarim even though I would feel much more comfortable by my parents and I’m scared as I can be, but you must make your wife happy at all costs. Just be happy your not going through what people like me are.

  8. Yanky trust me don’t go to our shver. He sings off key, he talks about the price of shemurah matzoh for 20 minutes, and he makes ALL
    the children(yes, adults too) look for the afikomen that he hides under his hat— every single year.

  9. Yo dude I hate to say this to u but its time u grow up and stop being a mamas boy most newlyweds start the first year off
    Going to the girls side but if u got such a problem that u want the whole wourld to decide for u then u need help or wake up
    Before ull end up back by your parants for the Whole yom tov without a wife

  10. I don’t believe in “rules” who made them up anyways?
    Personally, the first year I was married I told my husband that the sedorim are all about minhagim and we should go to his parents, yes it was the first yom tov we were married but we spent it at his parents.
    Marriage is all about compromise and sometimes you have to give in to make the other person happy.

  11. Its a rashi in pesochim that you go to the wife side the first yom tov besides rthat that is the minhag I think you are faking this whole thing since ask most people in yeshiva and they go to the wife side first enjoy your pesech

  12. Every situation is different, but on a strictly logical basis it makes the most sense to go to his side for Pesach and her side for Sukkos, not just the first year, but always.

    His side for Pesach allows him to easily maintain the standards and customs that he grew up with without having to ask the in-laws for special accomodations.

    Her side for Sukkos allows her to be more comfortable sleeping alone inside while her husband in sleeping in the Sukkah.

  13. I feel for you. I wanted to go to my parents, too, but my wife wanted to go to her parents. 35 years later, I haven’t yet been to my parents for Pesach. It’s the shvigger every year. In fact, even our kids aren’t allowed to go to their in-laws. They also have to come to the shvigger.

    They say peace at any price, but, trust me, I’m biding my time. Another 20 or 30 years of this and I’m going to put my foot down and insist we go to my parents.

  14. My wife says that if I clean out my study and get rid of those old Jewish Observers, she will agree to go to my parents’ house for yom tov.
    Lemaseh, my study is really a mess. I haven’t made up my mind yet.

  15. being uncomfortable is not the end of the universe! Our first Pesach, I was in the middle of a very difficult pregnacy and could barely sit up without vomitting. My husband spent about 3 months in my parents home let alone just Pesach. Be glad you will have to be there only a few days and be a mentch and make sure everyone around you doesn’t know how uncomfortable you are, you will survive.

  16. I was told to split the first three Yomim Tovim and it worked out just perfectly- my wife went to her parents and I went to mine! I gotta hand it to the rav that gave me that advice (mamish like Shlomo Hamelech) because we both had a great time!

  17. You didn’t mention if either of your sets of parents will have other company. You want to make sure not to let one set of parents have no company and the other have all their children plus guests. Also, did you ever think that maybe your wife is expecting to go to her parents regardless because she knows that’s the accepted thing? And what do YOUR parents think?

  18. reading most the comments here i would think people are either brainless or suffer from memory loss at an early age.

    the ” inl laws” issue is one of the first you need to tackle in a marriage , at the end of the day you will see that it it is all stupidity and really a small problem compared to the larger problems in life. but how you go about working out this early stupidities makes a very big difference in a marriage.

    just remember it is not a big issue , so dont get all carried away.

    generally couples go to the girls side the first seder , but it is not a rule.

    my advise : if your wife wants to go to her parents. inist that because you are the MAN it is your decision then YOU decide to go to HER parants and be a MAN and suck it up. you have to do that a few times shonana reshona, you take control of tough decisions and YOU make the decision and do what is not good for you and what is good for her. what will happen is that she will trust you to make that tough decisions and at that point you own her, it will help a lot for the real issues 10 -20 years down the road

  19. Please don’t post this nonsense!

    If you children can’t work out which sand box to play in or who gets to go on the swings first, you are in for a long life of arguing.

    Its pretty simple. Think ‘Give’, don’t think ‘Take’ & you will have a solid Marriage. Stop making an issue out of nothing!

    From A Husband who could care less where my Seder is, as long as my wife is happy.

  20. if u come here for marital advice, ur issues r much larger than “where to go for pesach” my advice: always go with what she wants when it comes to these insignifigant issues. yes i said “insignifigant”

  21. What a gentleman you are! You are very understated and respectful. My only problem was the phrase “and at that point you own her”.
    Hey cossack, for your safety, I hope your lucky wife
    (boy did she hit the jackpot) is unarmed.

  22. Yo, I like your style Mr. Brainless. You gotta get the Mrs. in line right away if you’z don’t want no trouble later on. I trained mine early.
    She takes out the garbage and all the stuff that ain’t dignified for me to do. I got her a bracelet on our 10th anniversary–nuthin expensive–
    just being sentimental and stuff. She works like a horse cleaning for Pesach so I don’t mind goin’ to her folks for the holiday, especially since mine are dead, may they rest in peace.

  23. My support group tells me I was wrong to take your advice,
    despite its brilliance. As a matter of fact, everyone I spoke to
    had problems with your marriage advice. See you at the synagogue
    seder.

  24. I thought you said you were adult; what are you doing at anyone’s patents anymore. Time to establish your own home, and Seder, and minhagim. Invite all the inlaws, but it is time you two stop being children and begin acting as adults.

  25. This is entertaining, I hate going to my shver but I have been going for many many years now because THAT’S LIFE, so grow up and face LIFE
    Also, your yeshivisha shver is helping to support you so GO

  26. Go to the inlaws but 1 pc of advise don’t try to make your own seder at your inlaws house you will hear about it years later

  27. I was never able to understand why so many people come to the hotel for Pesach. After reading the above comments, I can begin to understand how it may resolve some family politics while it takes the simcha, kedusha and oneg out of Yom Tov.

  28. Baruch HaShem you each have parents who are healthy enough to host your for Pesach.

    Over the years you may find that as they grow older and as you have K”AH children making it more difficult to travel YOU will become the hosts.

    Why not work out a “schedule” for the WHOLE year – you have Pesach, of course, (sederim and chol HaMoed and the last days) but you should also consider Shavuout, Rosh Hashanah, etc. Again, work out a schedule that involves both of your families. Don’t forget that you may wish to see your siblings and your nieces and nephews as well so coordinate with them as well.

    Wishing you a zeesun Pesach

  29. Go to the in-laws – as is the minhag (if you really want to go to your place DON’T ask a rov – for sure he’ll tell you to go to her place) and insist that they change to your minhagim while your there. Also they can’t be that yeshivish if they were meshadech with not so yevishe mechutonim.

  30. which set of parents do you see more often. If one set lives closer, then go to one that’s further since you see them less. If this is such an issue with you, how did you ever decide to get married in the first place? Let me guess-you put it on the “reader’s speak” to help you decide!
    There is always the staying home option- that way no one gets insulted, but you don’t get the free ride that way.

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