Reader-submitted: Dear parents, inlaws: Save on the wedding and I can purchase a home

Dear TLS, I wanted to bring to the attention of readers a conversation I had with a Chosson.

The boy, who doesn’t come from a wealthy family, tells me his parents and inlaws are planning for his wedding, and feels the amounts being spent are just rediculous. He says the numbers he’s been hearing through the grapevines makes him cringe. According to ┬áhis calculations, he says the wedding will be costing a minimum of $65-75,000. While he appreciates everything they’re doing for the wedding, he feels it’s just too much money being wasted on one night. (Don’t forget, this is on top of the thousands of dollars for the gowns, sheitels, jewelry etc.)

“I told them in a nice way that I’d rather take that money and use it to live, or even for a down payment for a home,” he told me. But it seems it’s too late.

I ask this to parents who can see the higher picture: Do you honestly think a week after the wedding anyone will remember all the details of the extravagant wedding? The fancy flowers, the the 10-piece band etc and all the other extras?

The couple, however, will need to pay rent and other bills, groceries and more. Why not use the money and teach them some fiscal responsibility, and at the same time maybe even put the money towards purchasing for them a home? That would go a long way, and will be remembered and appreciated by your children and grandchildren for years to come, beyond the dessert table.

Thank you,


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  1. Boker Tov!

    That’s exactly what they have been doing in Eretz Yisroel for ages. Spending minimum on the actual Chassuna and putting aside money for an apartment.

    Eretz Yisroel

  2. Thanks for sharing the obvious. Regrettably, you are asking ppl to dare I say it….. THINK
    Unfortunately too many of us have lost or never been trained in the art of utilizing mind over matter.Much suffering would be alleviated if ppl were encouraged to think.

  3. I’m extremely confused as a wedding in Ateres Chana and Ateres Reva cost a fraction of 65k. A takana chasuna at Neimas Hachaim also cost a fraction of that. Seems like this non wealthy person has his priorities messed up big time.

    The Chosson also has his priorities messed up. This is someone who is part of a me me generation. His parents don’t owe him money. The answer to them having a spending issue isn’t spend but by giving it to me. It’s by not spending!!

  4. a point that this Chassan fails to realize is that the amounts that his parents and in-laws are planning to spend on his wedding has very little to do with their desire to please the Chosson and Kallah, but rather it has a lot to do with “pleasing” and keeping up with their neighbors and social surroundings. while it might be true that you’d have enough to buy a house if they cut down on the wedding expenses, it would be at the expense of them being afraid to show their face in public the day after the wedding. sounds sad, right? but, unfortunately, it’s a fact!

  5. I don’t think a modest wedding costs that much and you don’t have to invite the whole world. Flowers don’t have to be real and you can have a one man band. Also maybe the parents are making a nice wedding for themselves for their pleasure. Anyway, my kids all got married and we didn’t give any of them a down payment for a house. They are all on their own whether they rent or buy. Somehow they are all managing. We are not rich and non of them are either.

  6. BIG ERROR – even ppl spending 65000 75% is not “the night” in the lakewood halls the whole night is maybe 10 per side – furniture, clothes, kitchen , basic matanos… you would need to do at your level anyway if you want to help your parents make up with your kallah simpler standards between the 2 of you mazel tov

  7. Why should a wedding cost so much?

    The parents have a social problem (this has nothing to do with their son)

    More people from the yeshiva coffee rooms should go to work to be machzik Torah

  8. Its not poshut, the full cost of chasunas beg with the diamond bracelet
    including all kinderlach suits shoes etc does add up
    Its not only the hall, it will change when we all stop the pressure to keep up people dont feel they can survive the pressure
    the shidduch could break up fast over one side being cheap if they cut back
    we need a whole new system if we want to change this
    it has to be hamon am not just a few indiv who than look like they are nebs dont you know if a kid looks like a neb today he may end up going off the derech this is serious stuff and you cant just be so different than everyone else , many families today buy most expensive sheitels bec their kids can t manage without it. We need huge seyatta dishmaya IH
    we should cont to have only simchas

  9. So he is telling his parents how to spend their money. Wow. If they want they can make you a $5,000 wedding and not give you any money for a house. If you would appreciate what they do for you which you obviously don’t then maybe they would do something more for you. But since you feel it is coming to you and should be spent the way it is best for you then your parents will spend it the way they feel is best for them. After all it is their money.
    P.S. it also a shame that “the house they buy will go a long way in the children and grandchildren remembering them” but the everyday regular things are taken for granted and expected. An unfortunate generation.

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