Dear editor, I am writing about an issue which recently began affecting me in a much more serious way than it has in the past. In hopes of reaching out and finding some support for myself personally and addressing a problem which affects many of us in different ways. Whether it is because you have a kid at risk in the house, an adult or kid with mental or emotional issues, special needs children, or many other problems, our community doesn’t speak to each other because people are embarrassed. There are mosdos for many of these issues and they are fantastic organizations but even there- a lot of people are too embarrassed to really get into the details of what they are going through. Sometimes this is for fear that their info will not remain anonymous. Others it is because the mosdos offer professional assistance which is good, but often there is something else lacking – mutual support.
With no where to turn people facing many of these issues miss out on gaining support from others, and in learning how others are dealing with a similar problem. Rabbi Twersky recently spoke at the project extreme event here in Lakewood. How many parents in Lakewood could use a friend to confide in on this painful issue. I’m not talking about getting help for the kid. I’m talking about the parent!
My situation- I was just recently informed that my kid, will require treatment for a certain issue that will cost us about 800-900$ a month. We need various medical professionals and medication. Without going into too much detail here (which i’m … you guessed right… nervous to do,) the issue is a learning, social and psychiatric related one. Things could be ok in the future but not without help.
Compounding all of this is that my kid looks normal so we want to keep up the image. True, school and learning issues are a challenge. Once we finally got a diagnosis, our doctor advised that my child will basically learn almost nothing in school and that we as parents would do better to get our child interested in a trade that they will be able to use as a livelihood. And that is fine with me. Actually it was a real eyeopener. Perhaps if I had known that three years ago we could have saved ourselves A LOT of heartache….and have already started that sort of program…… but I didn’t because I had so little outlet to turn to to speak with anyone and share information.
Although as I said, things on the surface appear ok, the real problem though, the lack of social adjustment, emotional disorder etc… has been wearing on our entire family for about ten years and we have no where to turn for real honest support. To boot- Now we are faced with a financial burden that is impossible for us to bear. The pressure of this is enormous and quite frankly, my kid isn’t the only one that needs support. I need support. But I am not talking about money support. I mean, there are other parents going through what we are. This is clear. But there is no way for us to share the pain, share insights, and share how we are dealing with the issue. And it is a real need.
I would like to start a support group for parents of children with emotional, psychological or psychiatric problems. This will be totally anonymous- separate for mothers and fathers, and the whole idea is to have a place where people can address issues like this that are often unspoken. While we are at it, I think this crosses over into parents of kids at risk and parents of special needs kids (at least in many cases). The point is parents need a place to share information like this and most importantly- share in the reality that they are not alone.
Thanks.
A suffering father
If anyone would like to participate in this group they can email me [email protected]. No identifying information is needed except an email address and whether it is a mother or father at that email address as groups must be separate. Maybe if they can also write if the issue is one of learning disability, social challenge, psychological or psychiatric disorder or the like.
I sympathize with the writer & endorse his great idea. However, I am sure a lot of people will still feel it is too public for them. Hatslocho.
As for people not reaching out to u – speaking from the other side, we don’t want to invade ur privacy on a personal matter & therefore wait for you to broach the subject.
daven extra & everything will work out.
Take your kid for a Brocho by a Tzadik, go along for one too.
The proffesionals may be wrong.
this is a much needed idea but beware the school system here. If they smell anything you will have a hard time with other kids getting/staying in.
relief resources can be very helpful and supportive.
@cb:
Not everyone can just daven more and relieve their emotional stress. Some people need to do hishtadlus such as support groups.
look for help outside the community if you need to. But get it, it makes a world of difference and nobody needs to know your issues if you don’t want them to
You are an inspiration to so many of us with hidden struggles. Thank you for being strong and starting something so important. we are afraid of the world and we hide behind our shadow for we fear this issue we deal with will mean our children won’t get good Shidduchim. We are really wonderful and very good people yet 1 private struggle can paralyze us.
An online support group is a great idea as meeting in person might make people shy away. Hatzluche and in this zchus may hashem bentch you with lots of nachas.
to #8 and everyone who lives with the same issues, remember you are not alone in this world, there are many people of all walks of life you struggle with this same issue, don’t be ashamed you are not alone find help your life will be better thank you
I feel for you. You touched a nerve because many people wish to have friends in the business of whatever they are dealing with. As a group its doable. On our own, the challenges are too great. Hatzlocho.
Cb that is such a pathetic thing to say,would you say that if someone finds out they have cancer?I guess you have no idea about mental illness which could tear apart a whole family!!!!
It is because of people like #2 and #3 that people who have these kinds of problems feel like they have to keep quiet about them in the first place!
Of course they are davening and going to gedolim for brachos! That doesn’t mean that they still don’t need money, support, and extra help to deal with it!
When will people ever learn the correct way to react to someone in anquish?
I had the same basic idea as this writer, but i do think that most people that suffer from these issues in their family, are not willing to open up in a private/public support group. I would benefit from a very small group 2 or 3 people at most. Relief should organize these groups.
The writer is right. As someone who lives with a family member that has mental health challenges, I can attest to the fact that there is VERY LITTLE support out there for the people who live with these people.
I once almost flew to Minnesota because I saw a webpage that said there is support meeting for people in my situation.
I have a wife who has emotional issues. I have nowhere to turn to and I’m broke. Not interested in causing an upheavel in our family and rock the boat. To the outside world all is fine. So I suffer in silence and accept this as a kaporah for all my avairos. ( I don’t trust the organizations as many have flopped and may leak out, and besides I have kids to marry)
ask your rav where to turn to.
There are many people sufferring with different issues. The writer is on the mark. Ppl in lakewood are locked in silence and need a place to reach out for help for a lot of things.
Please Hashem send the refuah quickly. Amein
Great idea!support groups work wonders, I hope this works out.
Your not getting the picture. This isn’t a rav issue. Or a professional support issue. The guy needs to commiserate and talk with ppl in the same situation as him. And is looking to make a support group.
Why would the school system be upset? this is helping kids that they themselvs are strugling with?
To # 16. A reader has contacted us with an email address for you to contact him. He says he was in a similar situation and may be able to assist.
Please contact us for his contact information.
#16,
I’m so happy that you’re getting a kapporah for all your aveiros, but you need to think about your family. Contact TLS so this person can help you!
to #22. They will not take siblings because they will label you a problem family. I know because I have lived through this gehenom. If you don’t have money they are very quick to passul.