PHOTOS: New Traffic Light Installed on Cedarbridge Avenue in Lakewood

A new traffic light went up today at the intersection of Cedarbridge Avenue and Vine St.

– The intersection has been the site of numerous accidents.

– It’s one of several new traffic lights being installed in the Township.

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  1. Multiple Car Accident Victim Laments: “New Traffic Lights In Lakewood Will Force Me to Spend More Time at Home, and Less Time in the Hospital”
    Multiple car accident victim, Steve Crashner, a Lakewood resident – who typically spends most of his time in the hospital, and very little time at home – says the new traffic lights being installed in Lakewood – and the safer roads – means that, “sadly, I’ll be forced to relocate my place of residence from the familiar and friendly environment of my hospital ward to the strange and unfamiliar place they call ‘home’.”
    “I haven’t spent much time at home due to all the automobile accidents I’ve been involved in,” he told reporters on Wednesday. “In fact, I’m more familiar with all the nook and crannies of my 3rd-floor hospital ward than I am with my own home.”
    “I’m not even certain I can tell you where my bedroom is located at home, or where the kitchen and bathrooms are located,” he said. “Moreover, I know every hospital employee on a first-name basis, but I’m not even sure I remember my wife and childrens’ first names.”
    “It’s not going to be easy reacclimating myself to to the eerily unfamiliar environment of home, and to my wife and kids,” he said. “But with the new traffic lights making the roads much safer for me, I’ll have to bid farewell to my friendly hospital and to my dearest friends, Dr. Warner, Dr. Smith, Dr. Goodyear, Dr. Stethoscope and to the hundreds of hospital employees who’ve been my closest friends these last couple of decades.”
    “I can only hope my relationship with my wife, Carol, I mean…, Elizabeth…, or whatever her name is, and my relationship with my kids, including the oldest one, and the other three – whatever their names are – will be as tight as it was with my hospital employee family,” he said.
    “I suppose that relocating my place of residence to my Lakewood home means I will no longer be receiving room service, which unfortunately means I’ll have to prepare my own food, unless Carol…., I mean Susan…, or Anne…, or whatever my wife’s name is, prepares the food for me.”
    “I don’t know what to tell you,” he said. “I’ve grown accustomed to car accidents and spending all my days and nights in the local hospital, so it’s not going to be easy for me to move back to a typical, ordinary, strange and unfamiliar home environment.”
    “However, no one said that life was going to be easy,” he conceded. “I have no choice but to roll with the punches, and to accept my new reality in this weird and strange place they call ‘home’, away from the friendly, familiar and cozy hospital environment.”
    “Hmm,” he added with a deep sigh, “please wish me good luck; I’ll need lots of it!”

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