Authorities this afternoon are investigating an unknown substance in Jackson.
The item was reportedly picked up by DPW and brought to another location, where the odor prompted employees to call authorities.
Berkley Haz-Mat, firefighters and police are on scene investigating.
UPDATE: The item was determined to be non-hazardous.
When informed that authorities were investigating an unknown substance in Jackson, President Biden reportedly called together his national security advisers and said: “Gentlemen, I’m in a tough spot right now. When they told me a couple of weeks ago that there were unidentified objects flying over US cities, I said, ‘No problem, we’ll just shoot the objects down.’ However, this unknown substance is not flying, it’s grounded, so we can’t shoot it down. What do we do?!”
There was complete silence in the room, until the President’s face lit up in excitement, and he said:
“I’ve got the solution! It’s so simple! We can’t shoot the substance down because it’s already down, so what do we do?! We shoot it upwards into the sky, where its odor and toxicity can do no harm to the human nose!”
“How do you like THAT brainstorm?” the President asked his advisers. “You think Trump could have come up with THAT one? I doubt it.”
At a loss for words, Mr. Biden’s National Security advisers tried to steer the conversation in a different direction, hoping to distract the President from following up on his latest “brainstorm”.
However, a short while later, word came in to the President that the unknown substance was determined to be non-hazardous.
“Hey, I don’t care whether the substance is hazardous or non-hazardous!” the President told his advisers. “Those Jacksonites aren’t going to steal MY thunder! I want THAT unknown substance launched into the sky, pronto! And that’s an order! Do you hear me?!”
Within minutes, the unknown substance, with the disgusting, putrid odor, was launched high into the sky.
The President was ecstatic.
“I can’t wait till the American people read about my latest brainstorm!” he told his staffers.
But unfortunately, a short while later, when the President read a news printout of the story, his face suddenly took on a ghastly color.
The headline of the story read: “President Biden Orders 6-month-old, Melted, Putrid Salami Sandwich to be Launched into the US Skies, Jacksonites Breathe an Odor-Free Sigh of Relief.”
Upon reading the article, the President reportedly told his staffers: “So I just launched an unidentified salami sandwich into the sky?! Seriously?! How am I going to sell THIS one to the American people?!”
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