For years, people have been talking about a “shidduch crisis.” I believe the real problem is not the crisis itself, but the process behind it.
We are still using a system that has barely changed in over a century, despite the fact that the world — and our communities — have changed dramatically. It’s time to tweak, refine, and modernize the way we do things.
The Current Process — and Its Flaws
In the existing system, most shadchanim first present a shidduch idea to the boy’s side only. If the boy says yes, the girl’s side is then informed and given 72 hours to respond. The reasoning behind this is to avoid hurting a girl’s feelings if the boy declines.
But let’s be honest: the shidduch world is built on acceptance and rejection. Learning to handle “no” is part of the process — and something girls can be taught to process in a healthy way from a young age.
And here’s the key problem: this “kindness” toward girls often comes at a huge cost to them.
The Resume Problem
When shidduch resumes were first introduced, they were meant as a reference point — not the entire picture. Today, in an overwhelmingly “boys’ market,” a resume can make or break a suggestion.
If a boy receives a resume and doesn’t recognize a single name, it’s often discarded without further thought. But what if the girl’s father happens to be chavrusa with the boy’s uncle? That connection could open a door — yet it may never even come up because the girl’s side is never told the suggestion in the first place.
If girls knew about a potential shidduch earlier, they could pass along relevant personal connections to the shadchan, who could then present them to the boy’s side. In many cases, this could prevent resumes from being ignored and ideas from being dropped.
I believe we could salvage over half of the “thrown-out” shidduchim if we made this small process change and informed the girl’s side from the start. The benefits of this approach would far outweigh the emotional downside — especially because more girls would actually get engaged.
A System Stuck in the Past
Thirty years ago, when communities were smaller and people knew each other more personally, this wasn’t as big of an issue. In 2025, with exponentially larger populations, sticking to an outdated process is doing real harm.
The Loss of the Personal Touch
This problem is part of a broader trend: shidduchim have lost the human element.
Too often, when an “official” shadchan redts a shidduch, they simply email a resume to the boy without a phone call explaining why they think the match might work. There’s no follow-up call to see if the boy’s family needs more information, no back-and-forth to build rapport, no relationship-building at all.
I know this firsthand — my son was in shidduchim for two years. Without personal input, without effort to connect both sides beyond a piece of paper, it’s hard to even get to first base.
Shidduchim Are About Relationships
At the end of the day, shidduchim aren’t about documents or statistics — they’re about people. If we want better results, we need to focus less on protecting people from hypothetical hurt and more on helping them make real-life connections.
Updating the process, restoring personal engagement, and involving both sides from the start could transform the so-called “shidduch crisis” into a functioning, compassionate, and far more successful shidduch process.
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Certainly has potential. Harzlocha!
Disagree the chassidim still use the old system and it works alot better with much less agmus nefesh we modernized with the whole sick dating process age etc and here we are
The reason why by the Chassidim it works is because most people know of each other by the Chassidus or the close knit community they live in, or by Ger based on what the Rebbe decides. Also, the parents do most of the legwork, the father meets the prospective Chosson in his Yeshiva. In the Litvish world a lot is left up to the boy and girl, including research and they don’t have that backing. The Chassidishe velt has pretty much stayed the same. In New Square, there is one high school. The girls don’t go to seminary. The Shadchanim go through the list of high school graduates and set them up with the boys learning in Skver. Ask anyone in New Square and they will confirm it. She’s Tznius, keeps Mitzvos, has good Midos – it’s a match! By Litvish, how much does the girl make? What degree does she have? What does she wear? How smart is she? How talented? What seminary/camp did she go to? What awards did she win? And the Chassidish girls already know how to run a home. The Litvish wives are out all day making money and hope they have time to put supper on the table and mop the floor…
A very small percentage of chassidim live in New Square. You are over-simplifying.
I was just using New Square as an example. Most Chassidishe girls marry in their circles and many families know each other based on their community so the research is simpler and faster.
Very few in litvish circles do their own research.
A few points. TRUE OR FALSE
1. Most bmg boys are engaged within 6 months of entering shiduchim..so the unpersonal resume is somehow working
2. Many resumes are being given precisely by a uncle who is a chavrusa….
3 many resumes are being given to the boy with a yes from the girl before the boy even sees it as a way to get to the top of the pile
Maybe many boys,are engaged, but I personally know BMG us full of eligible boys who are not engaged!!
Even though the boys are all located in Lakewood, I think it makes sense for the boys to focus on the girls in their hometown, that means working with Shadchanim from their hometown rather than the overloaded Lakewood Shadchanim. That might help the boys find their bashert (close to home in many ways) and alleviate the load from the BMG Shadchanim who can focus on Lakewood girls.
Most of the older bochurim in bmg 26- 30. Have plenty of names , they need a mashpia or coach to help them sort thru their own issues , and one rabbi efraim glassman who u can’t get thru to ain’t enough
This is also the parents’ responsibility to ensure that their children are marriageable and have dating mentors. 30 years ago the Yeshivos were smaller and the bochurim had more of a Kesher with their Rabbeim who guided them with shidduchim. Now the Roshei Yeshivos don’t have that kind of kesher with their Talmidim. So the parents are relying on the Rabbeim to guide them, and the Rabbeim are relying on the parents to guide them. Leaves the poor Bochur stuck in the middle alone. Many single girls are reaching out to privately paid dating mentors. BMG should hire dating mentors as well. It’s not the Shadchanim’s job to be a dating coach. They are too busy for that and not always qualified.
He’s not the answer. He can only help someone he knows personally. AMjority he deals with are teenagers, high school age. A bachur needs to talk with his rebbi, be open and honest about everything he does daily. Anything but that isn’t really a help, but a faltchkeit.
All 3 are false.
While it’s true that this generation has lost personal touch and this lends to the crisis, at the core are much deeper, complex, and compounding issues. Some of those issues relate to the “age gap”, everyone fishing in the same pond, not being intellectually honest with who we are, overly sensitive, perfectionists’, projecting our own wishes on our children, cultural pressures, lack of readiness, egotistic, and general selfishness. We should be teaching our children that marriage is about giving, not just taking. Our children should be looking for whomever fits them best as a beneficiary. Unfortunately the chinuch is vice versa and hence the suffering.
Extremely accurate. Lack of readiness is made up in my opinnion. Until one is actually married and has to sit with their spouse, they can’t be ready for what marriage entails.
I have 2 single 30 year old relatives and 2 neighbors that are single over 30.
this System has to be changed. The way it looks probably some of them will die without ever being given a fair shot at getting married.
You didn’t mention male or female. But if female, do we know why?
No date offers, or no offers, that fit exactly what they want ?
If you’re gonna bring it up, then you need to tell the whole story.
The reason a shidduch suggestion is given to the boy first is because he says no more often than the girl. Why should a girl due all her due diligence only to be given a “no” after all the time she put into her investigations. When my girls were in shidduchim, I preferred that the shadchan got a “yes” from the boy’s side so I would not waste my time and get my hopes up,
Why should the boy get first dibs to get a no after from the girl? It’s the same either way.
The current process has absolutely not been used “for over a century” – not even for a century, nor even 50 years. Maybe 30 years. Maybe. For starters, shidduch resumes were unheard of 30 years ago. Ask the older roshei yeshiva or older American gedolim how they met their wives. Apparently we know better than their generation.
#5 or so years, though the physical resume is newer.
We have to give more opportunity for girls and boys to meet without Shadchanim obviously in a Tznius way. A certain Gadol recommended a Shidduch table by weddings. This is an Ais Tzara for Bnos and Bnei Yisroel who might be rejected because of one flaw on their resume and not be given a fair chance. There is a system to accepted into schools, Yeshivos and Seminaries. There has to be a fair system where everyone is given a fair chance to get married.
This is 💯 true! This is an aid tsara and we need to immediately change the current process and alloe other means for boys and girls to meet
THERE IS NO SHIDDUCH CRISES
Hashem already setup your sons and everyone else’s son/daughter zivug 40 days before they were even born. Forget about the fact that now they are holding at around 20 or so years later since they were born. Hashem has their zivug waiting for them and can send it to your son/daughter immediately but is just waiting for each person involved in shidduchim to do their RUCHNIUS hishtadlus of Bitachon and Emunah(faith and trust in Hashem) together with Tefillos/Prayers.
Mrs. Seminary girl,/Mr. Learning/working boy Are YOU doing your RUCHNIUS hishtadlus? Not just your gashmius hishtadlus of dating and speaking to shadchanim etc….?
Start turning directly to Hashem for help in all your needs, especially shidduchim that they say is a bigger miracle than the splitting of the Yam suf.
Why are we not putting our faith and trust directly in our loving father, king of kings, ruler of the world Hashem? Especially when we all know the truth that Hashem has everything down to every person’s breath and penny of income already decreed since Rosh Hashanah for the entire upcoming year? Of course we need to do our Hishtadlus but the ultimate secret for success in our needs is to turn Directly to the source Hashem for help in anything. as we say in bentching from Tehillim “ודורשי ה לא יחסרו כל טוב” i.e. for one who seeks out Hashem directly lacks nothing that is good.
Bashert only works if one is looking for their bashert. However, today almost all the guys are looking for the same thing. 1800 guys can’t marry the same girl. Rav Elya Weintraub ZATZAL said on certain Bachur that there was nothing to do for him, because he refused his Bashert.
EVERYONE single should be looking for their BASHERT as you wrote and not looking to get married from the gashmius physical department but from the ruchnius spiritual department of their Neshama.
Get married so you can immediately move forward with the first mitzvah in the Torah of Peru urivu which means of having children and raising a beautiful Torah family
Get married for the mitzvah of vshinantam levanecha which is the mitzvah of educating your children with love and from the ruchnius department.
Get married so you can have a full time partner to help whenever you’re help is needed in the house.
And many other true ruchnius reasons why a person should get married
VERSUS
getting married for pleasure and gashmius. So you can live a life and have a partner to go on vacations and to restaurants with. Is that the true way of living a jewish life with jewish values? And the true reason for a yid to get married?
THINK ABOUT IT.
Doesn’t every boy marry one of those very girls who are dying to get married? So, what’s the problem?
Ayayayay. All the points are correct but as long as 23 or 24 year old are dating predominantly 19 and 20 year old girls it won’t help what you change with resumes, personal touch etc because you can’t ever have enough boys. We need to get to the root causes to solve the issue rather than to feel good issues that are also important but have no ability to actually change the math. Please people focus.
The problem is that many mothers say that their sons are not ready for marriage until at least 23. First they have to go to Brisk/Mir etc. and get those years of full shteiging before hitting real life. The reason why Israeli bochurim start dating at 21 is because they’re not running off to America to learn 2 years in a Yeshiva before starting to date. The Bnei Torah who want to stay in Eretz Yisroel start at 21. They should have a rule that bochurim who are coming back from a year or two of learning in E”Y don’t need to wait for the freezer. They were already in the freezer for two years…
Guys are just as ready at 20 as at 23. Age has nothing to do with readyness.
The age gap issue doesn’t seem to be accurate based on history, in prewar Europe there were many shiduchim with age gaps, maybe even majority (this is not an assumption, its based on research of genealogical documents) and there is no record of any gedolim or organizations being busy claiming that there is age gap issue.
Yes, I did research this.
So this points to what many have claimed that age gap isn’t the issue.
Some of the other explanation of what is contributing to the problem, must then be more accurate.
In prewar Europe, the poor girls, or the ones who no dowry or orphans would marry much older men either who lost his wife, which was more common then for women to die young hence men marrying multiple women in their lifetime, or an older bachelor who was able to support her rather than a Yeshiva Bochur (of course there were exceptions but in those days fathers in law supported their sons in law who sat and learned). Nowadays everyone feels entitled to marry a Yeshiva Bochur, leaving out those who might be working on the side. Many older girls nowadays are getting married for the first time to Almans or divorcees who are Kohanim. Sometimes you just have to wait your turn…
The term ” Alteh Mirrer” came because at first, no girls wanted the group of Mirrer Bochrim when they arrived in the USA from Shanghai. This was the new country, and they were all going to be scoring doctors and lawyers.
That term actually started before WWII. That was why Sara Schneirer started the Bais Yaakov movement, because the learning boys weren’t finding girls who wanted to marry them. The girls were being influenced by the haskalah movement and many of them were looking for a life of comfort, not sacrificing for Torah.
The 19-year-old girl and the 23-year-old boy want each other. They are both starting in dating, and they are both holding at the same place in life, and they have much more in common than a 23-year-old boy and a 23-year-old girl who has already been dating for 4 years. So what exactly do we want from them?
Who are you to make this type of assumption? I know plenty of shidduchim where the boy and the girl were the same age, and they wanted each other also. They were not holding in two different places, they were on the same level and even if the girl was more advanced in her career and had more experience dating, that didn’t make a difference in terms of them liking each other, getting along, respecting each other, etc.
and yes, those shidduchim were successful and they worked very well.
You sound like someone who thinks they have it all figured out. It’s Shadchanim with that type of attitude that I stay away from like the plague, because they think they’re Gd and don’t have a problem telling someone who’s single that they’re wrong because they’re looking for what they feel will work for them and instead sit and tell them how they’ll never get what they want because of xyz.
I know quite a number of Shadchanim who had no problem telling someone that if they’re Sefaradi they will never find someone ashkenazi to marry even though that’s what they’re looking for and vice versa because those type of shidduchim just “don’t happen”. Except the amount of shidduchim between Sefaradim and Ashkenazim is huge, and they work beautifully.
It’s those type of Shadchanim that need to quit their day job. Also the ones who don’t want to redt an older girl to a younger guy because c”v they may have one or two less kids then if the guy would’ve married someone who’s 5 years younger then them, which is the excuse they give. Despite the fact that Bonei Olam and A Time have their hands full with couples where the girl is 19 and unfortunately they were not blessed with children yet, which shows clearly that this isn’t up to anyone but Hashem how many kids a person is supposed to have.
so yeah, I think you ought to quit while your ahead, especially since you don’t actually know what you’re talking about even though you’re trying to make it sound like you do.
I agree. Some Shadchanim think they hold the key to the gate of marriage and don’t know how to think out of the box. There should be a rating and reviews for Shadchanim. As much as they are needed and appreciates, sometimes they aren’t doing a service by pushing their agendas. Maybe that’s why there’s a high divorce rate. I had a shadchan tell me that if I didn’t want to travel to the boy on the third date then obviously I wasn’t interested. Yes, he got married to someone else who didn’t have to travel to him… Some people don’t like to be pressured to make rash decisions and need time without a specific time frame.
If the guy says he won’t listen to an girl who’s been dating for a while, the shadchan won’t waste his time reading the 23 year old girl. the guys and their roshei yeshiva have created the problem. They are the ones insisting on a certain number of years in support, and the guy wants only a bas talmid chochom.A talmid chochom in kollel. Where is he getting funds to syupport a son-in -law, while he’s earning 50k annually?
Not true. There is nothing more common. It’s a bogus idea. The guys just don’t want to date girls with potentially more dating experience.
I know several guys to older girls , generaly ones who met on their own at the workplace, including two family members of mine .
But in most cases the 19 year old post seminary Bais Yaakov girls and the BMG post israel boys are looking for each other.
There is no shidduch crisis. There’s a metzuyan, shnit crisis. Alot of parents of good girls are looking for the shpitz metzuyan, baal kishron, and she NEEDS an unusual masmid, besides for learning 3 sedarim k’seder in BMG, of course. While the mothers, myself included 🙂 are trying to find the right shnit. Whether Toradik, yeshivish, American, heimish, baalebatish, not too baalebatish, simple, class act. Whatever.
FYI – There are special choshuv normal bnei Torah who pound learning who do not have dates set up after the freezer.
That mentality is created by the roshei yeshiva. There are no metzuyanim around from before the freezer existed, or they’d be in their 60’s. The freezer is almos 40 years old. The guys don’t want the girls. Guys don’t even look at majority resumes they recieve.
It is not proper to talk down about Roshei Yeshivah!
I have come to realize that there’s a totally different issue here. I have two very good friends with daughters around 30 years old unfortunately. Two very different types.. when I’ve attempted to redt a shidduch that they didn’t feel was appropriate they got insulted that I thought it was a good idea.. ” is that what you think my daughter is looking for?”.. I’m not going to even try to suggest anything because I value our friendship…
Yes. The Agudah convention should have a special panel just for parents of children in shidduchim to address this problem. Many parents want one thing when the child is willing to go for something else because they understand what’s out there and what their chances are of getting married. Like the parents who won’t get tutoring for their child in school because they think they’re perfect and don’t want stigmas. It’s the child that ends up suffering at the end. So the parents are complaining there are no options and the children are crying in solitude afraid they’ll be single forever.
The guys are worse. I’m still waiting on responses from single guys for over a year on shidduchim I redt them.
Maybe they’re busy or not interested. Chana Rose in the Shidduch Column of the Flatbush Jewish Journal has your exact problem with the girls. To quote her exact words: “Girls, where are you?”
As someone who has kids in, shidduchem is clear to me, one of the biggest problems are the girls are completely false with themselves. They keep on talking about their learning boy. But in the meantime, they want everything luxury for themselves, it’s just empty talk. And it’s only getting worse and
There are so many boys with good midos and learn but they don’t qualify
Not every girl has a degree in anything or has the capacity of studying
And remember the boy already did the learning for over 20 years he also wants to move on in life and be basically like most of his friends, and honestly most of the girls want the same
Time to stop talking about the 10 years learning
It’s not helping anyone it’s just talk
It’s the Hashkafah they get in seminary that you pay $20,000 for. The girls that stay behind or go to half day are more realistic.
The guys are exactly the same way. There are more top girls then top guys. The 10 years learning after the chasunah was created by the guys and the roshei yeshiva. If a girl really wants such a guy, and can deal with what it comes with, why shouldn’t they have such a chashuv talmid chochom as a husband?
I can agree that the system may not play out well for some girls and of course some girls will have a better shot at a shidduch than others… but this has little to no affect on the amount of girls and boys getting married. Basically all the boys are getting married and there are simply not enough of them… Either because of the age gap or because the supply of “good boys” is less than the demand for them. The only way to fix the process is to close the age gap and level out the supply and demand for “good boys”.
How would you advise to level out the supply of good boys?
Maybe start at the elementary school level when some of the boys start struggling when it comes to learning etc., start getting them a mentor from a young age to make sure they don’t feel like failures and ultimately decide to drop out, which then leads them down the path of not being a good boy, which is putting it mildly…
And high schools for bochurim who can’t learn all day. There is one that opened in Lakewood and has seen success. It’s time to take the Chazal “Chanoch Lana’ar Al Pi Darko” seriously and not force the child to fit the mold and ruin their future.
This is honestly a difficult question, but that doesn’t mean there’s an easier answer… Yes, obviously we need to work on the boys, get good Rabbeim etc. I would also consider some changes to what seminaries teach the girls. Maybe a good frum boy that is not the smartest lamden is also acceptable, especially for a girl that isn’t so smart either…
Mistake number one in your so called process is making it seem like both sides get the resume the same time. Factually incorrect. the guy gets the resume first. Then places is it in a folder to be looked at in 6 months. In the meantime, the well meaning Shadchanim tell the girls family how many guys have recieved her resume. 6-8 momnths later, the guy decides he’ll give her a date. Now she gets her first resume since finishing seminary 18 months prior. If she dare says no,because upon research he’s not really all his resume claims, she’s now called overly picky and doesn’t get another resume for 3 years.
Shadchanim are a big part of the crisis. Who is anyone to decide who is right for another person? I know someone who dated a bochur who showed bad middos multiple times on the date. He was rude and badmouthed certain gedolim. When the girl said no, the shadchan went ballistic and told her she would never get married.
And the covering up of issues that unfortunately girls/boys find out only once they’re married because they wanted to push the Shidduch… Shadchanim have to respect their decisions either way and not worry about her reputation on the expense of their lives.
My personal opinion in regards to resumes; The old fashioned way of listening to one name at a time and focus on that person, checking if they are a possibility, is a much healtheir way of doing shidduchim. When, usually the boy, gets a number of resumes at the same time, they go shopping. Shidduchim are not about shopping for the nicest features.
I heard a Rav say durning a Shidduch panel to parents, that the way your son approaches shidduchim is the way he will think about women ie. his wife in general. Think about that. We live in an entitled and disposable generation. Our grandparents would never have taken anything or anyone for granted. And that‘s what makes for a happy marriage. Which is the ultimate goal in this topic called Shidduchim.
And what do the girls do if they get several resumes?
It’s a charedi crisis
Quoted: “…the Chareidi orthodox establishment promote our young girls to date learning boys who don’t work. We are emasculating our young men and taking away their male energy that was meant to support and keep their wives and children safe and secure. It is not the parents or grandparents role to do that. We are teaching our young girls to adopt the ways of feminism and leave their precious babies in crowded playgroups. This leads to exhausted mothers who have no strength to cook healthy nourishing meals for their children. It also leads to the drugging of children to keep them complaint to make life easier at home and in the Yeshivas….Years ago women were home raising their young children and the men worked. That did not mean men didn’t find the time to learn. The current system is unhealthy and the children have become entities expecting the parents to “go with the program” which means many parents are intimidated and will go into debt for fear of disappointing the children, Rabbeim etc… Shidduchim are harder to find for those who don’t fit these standards…”