It’s Tu Bishvat, a time to thank Hashem for the beautiful and delicious fruits that He gave us, but it is also a time of tremendous worry for thousands of people in our community. Tu Bishvat is the time of year that signals the entrance of hundreds of fresh singles, especially boys, on to the shidduch “market.” But unfortunately, that doesn’t mean dates for every girl in shidduchim.
As our community continues to grow by leaps and bounds, the disparity between the number of boys and girls entering the shidduch market is also growing. According to some estimates, for every 2 girls that are entering shidduchim, just 1 boy is. Even if the numbers aren’t quite that bad, a cursory look around our community tells you all that you need to know. The amount of girls seeking a husband is far more than there are single boys. That is a massive, unsustainable problem, and we have got to fix it or we will literally end up with entire communities of sadly unmarried women. I hope that regardless of what steps should be taken to fix it, we can all agree that there is a very real problem. Because admitting the problem is halfway to getting it resolved.
We know what vast majority of gedolei Yisroel have said about the shidduch crisis – boys should begin dating at a younger age. This isn’t something new; they have been saying it for years. So why has that, for the most part, not happened? It’s a question I’ve been pondering and one that I finally think I have the answer to.
Let’s turn away from shidduchim and take a look at the debate about vaccinating children. Every medical doctor (this does not include “natural” health practitioners) that you speak to will urge you to have your children vaccinated. Science has confirmed and reconfirmed that the vaccines that are being administered to children are safe. The few who suffers serious adverse effects from vaccines are literally statistical anomalies, and there are not nearly enough to suggest that vaccines overall are unsafe. It is also undeniable that vaccines have been crucial in essentially ridding the world of numerous debilitating illnesses like polio (when was the last time you saw a kid with polio? Thank vaccines for that). So why is there a debate at all? Simple. Because people take their preconceived notions about vaccines and impose them on everyone else. They take the word of a couple of pseudoscientific studies and snake-oil peddlers, and run with it. Why? Because it sits well with them. Instead of finding out the truth, they choose to believe whatever information that fits inside their little box of how things should be, rather than how they are.
I think the very same thing is happening with the shidduch crisis. We know there’s a problem. We know what the solution to the problem is. Many leaders have told us that this is how we should address it. And yet nothing has changed. Why? Because, once again, it doesn’t fit in with many of our preconceived notions. Most of us grew up with the ideal that boys should learn until they are 23-24 and only then begin dating, while girls should begin dating at 18-19. That structure is what we are comfortable with. And as with any change, even the thought of doing something differently causes people to get upset. But let’s look at the facts again. There are too many girls and not enough boys. It’s basic math. Gedolim have told us to get boys married earlier. But we just can’t deal with that, because it doesn’t fit our concept of how our system should look. So nobody takes the leap and causes that positive change to actually happen.
Sadly, we our hamstrung by the ideas and concepts that we’ve ingrained in ourselves and refuse to even consider anything else. This is true in regards to the vaccination debate, and it is true regarding the shidduch crisis debate.
And so I have to ask, are we all acting like anti-vaxxers?
95% of the boys do exactly as their roshei yeshiva tell them to. The Gedolim by and large do not hold the boys should date earlier.
Good analogy!
1. Every family should speak to their Rav & decide whats best for their child.
2. Quit telling others what to do & quit the fear-mongering.
3. Rely on Hashem to do what He does best.
Live moves on…
Boys are not ready to get married at 21. Neither are girls. Instead of having boys go out at a younger age than 22-24, girls should start going out at an older age. This is a different way to look at it, but will produce the same result. Both boys and girls would benefit from spending a few years before marriage without the responsibilities marriage entails. They both would benefit from the freedom of having to answer only to themselves for a while. THEN, they will be better suited to settle down with the added maturity that those extra years will bring.
I second that! Been saying it for years. Why won’t anyone consider it? Talk about preconceived notions…
Boys are by and large not ready to be married at 21.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but marriage isn’t the finish line; it’s the start line.
Better to have more singles than more divorces (especially with kids).
Perhaps we need to remember something that it seems we have all forgotten about yiddishkeit and the top priority of faith and trust in Hashem about a fact we all know in the topic of shidduchim with Hashem.
“HASHEM HAS ALREADY CHOSEN your ZIVVUG 40 DAYS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN”
yes we all need to do our hishtadlus but if you remember this fact about Hashem and shidduchim then you will know that your future spouse has already been found and chosen for you. It’s just a matter of time when us right for you and Hashem is waiting for your tefillos and call out to Hashem directly for help in finding your shidduch.
May everyone find their zivug at the proper time ASAP
Your explanation for why boys go out later than you like was almost a coherent as your psychological assessment of anti–vaxers. In other words, both were lacking.
Boys go out when they do, usually, on advice of their Moreh Derech. I asked my Rosh Yeshivah when i was 19. In the end, i didnt start dating till i was 24. good thing too, cuz my wife would’ve been 16 then, which could get complicated….
I must say, I read your article, and I think you went straight off a cliff.
A few points.
Please find out how many girls turn good boys down, because the girls want FULL TIME LEARNING BOYS, and they won’t give up on their living style!!
They were taught, we must marry a full time learning boy
Waht that means and what that details, they have no clue!!!!!
Vaccines!!!
Yes, I do vaccinate my children, BUT PLEASE GET OFF THIS TOPIC ALREADY, YOU ARE JUST BEING MARBE MACHLOKES IN KLAL YISROEL.
YOU WILL NOT CONVINCE EITHER SIDE TO MOVE AN INCH. SO JUST MOVE ON…
AND YES, EACH SHIDUCH WAS READ BY HASHEM 40 DAYS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN, AND I DID ASK THIS QUESTION TO ONE OF THE LEADING GEDOLIM IN TODAYS GENERATION, AND ALL HE ANSWERED ME WAS LOOK AT THE NUMBERS!!!!
I’m still waiting( 50)years old (Jewish)
I agree 100% with Chaim. Shlomo hamelech proved that hashem runs the world by using shidduchim. He created a zivug for everyone. Each person needs to follow their das Torah and do what’s best for them – whether it’s starting to date earlier or later.
not sure who u are to say opinions you are just like the Anti vaxxer
You just decided against the Anti vaxxxers – who are uuuu
It’s so sad how the author has dehumanized the kids. They’re not robots. Did anyone ask them what they want? Did anyone address the rapid spike in divorces and unhappy marriages?
It’s like he wants to sit on a throne and dictate to everyone else how the world should look.
There’s a Shidduch crisis and I say it’s based in age. The solution is to remove the memory stick from the boys that program them to want to and be ready to get married at 23-24 and replace it with a new program telling them they now WANT to get married at 20-21. If only humans were that simple.
Mr. Gutfreund,
If you would be interested in hearing some information about why “anti-vaxxers” feel the way they do, I can be contacted through the website administrator. If you have an open mind, you may be interested in this information that would show that the information you currently have is false or incomplete. Thank you. (Some of your best friends may actually be “anti-vaxxers” and you would not know it!)
Wouldn’t it be more beneficial for everyone to educate boys at a younger age how to communicate effectively to 1) date better, 2) stay married, and 3) have better marriages, etc. Part of the crisis is marriageable BOYS. It seems that the girls are able to hold down jobs, stay social, and be emotionally healthy long after seminary has passed. It takes a boy much longer to come to the same wave length as their same aged girl counterpart. Getting immature boys to marry a girl same age that’s much more mature is also a recipe for disaster.
Narrow the maturity gap at the same time you narrow the age gap…then we’ll talk tachlis.