Having been overwhelmed by the public show of support that my wife and I received after sharing the story of our failed attempts to get our daughter into school, I feel compelled to express our gratitude to the many people who contacted us to let us know that they are there for us as we face this challenge, with far too many sharing that they were in the same boat. I wish I could tell you that our daughter has been accepted by a Lakewood school in the past week, but sadly that isn’t the case. One school offered to accept my child, if I was willing to retract my letter and apologize.
To be honest, I did not expect the letter to change much of anything. It wasn’t intended to promote or create arguments about my Instagram page, which I run under the direction of my rov. It was simply me, giving voice to my feeling. It is the story of my pain and that of many others as well. There is so much more that I could say on the matter but my goal here isn’t to write a second letter.
With the start of the academic year just a month away, the time has come for my wife and me to revisit an option we had considered earlier: putting together a small group of like minded individuals who are interested in a program for five year olds, with an eye towards possibly creating a warm and welcoming school with solid Torah hashkafos. Perhaps it is too late to make anything happen for this year, but we are certainly willing to try.
Our concept is simple. Right now we are seeking to have a primary group of a few girls run out of a basement and will be hiring in an experienced morah who will work with mechanchim to develop a solid curriculum. We have already spoken to a few promising candidates but the bigger question is can we get a group of students together. If we can make a go of it this year, then looking ahead to the future, if the program evolves into a first grade for the following year, we will bring a vaad of rabbonim on board to ensure the integrity of our blossoming school.
It is important to mention that my Tisha B’Av letter was not intended to create problems or generate gossip but to find a solution to an untenable situation. While I may be only a young father at age thirty, I already have considerable experience getting projects off the ground: an overnight Denver summer camp that I founded 12 years ago is still running today, as is Yeshiva in California that has already given semicha to 100 bochurim since I helped launch it eight years ago. I spent six successful years teaching as an elementary grades and my photography business is B”H one of the most successful in the tri-state area. In short, I have no problem stepping up when there is a need to be filled and while I know that not every endeavor can succeed, I am davening fervently that perhaps this one can flourish because there is no doubt that Lakewood needs a school where all children who seek a Torah education in a loving environment are welcome.
I also need to set the record straight. I didn’t come here to change Lakewood. I didn’t come here to be the next chabad Rabbi in town. I am just a father looking for a nice quiet life for my family.
This morning, as I was walking through the airport on the way back from a business trip, I saw a sign bearing the sad looking face of a child soliciting donations to feed hungry children in Africa. Looking at that picture a thought occurred to me: we have Kriyas HaTorah every three days because just as a person can not go three days without food, so too one must not go three days without Torah. Seeing the picture of that hungry child in Africa had me thinking sadly of my own daughter and others like her. There are children right here in Lakewood who are hungry, yearning for a taste of Torah. Maybe we can still feed those children. Maybe it isn’t too late to make a difference. People have called me and offered to try and push my kids into schools where they have connections, but I would rather not be the one being pushed in. Maybe I am dreaming, but I want someone who wants my child. Not someone doing me a favor. I would rather make a difference in our community. Because no child should ever be hungry for Torah.
If you have a five year old daughter who needs a placement for the upcoming school year, know of an available property, would like to support our endeavors, or are interested in contributing your time or services please email us info@thecjs.net or call me direct 718.781.6405 . We look forward to hearing from you.
Yosef Shidler
UPDATE Wednesday: “A school reached out to us last night, they would like to accept our daughter.”
Rabbi or Mr Shidler .
Just to clear the air. Could you state unequivocally that you spoke to the Askanim who volunteer to try to get children into a Lakewood school and that they did not offer you any possible schools where you would be accepted . Or were there any schools that you were told that you could have possibly been accepted to ,but you chose not to go there.
Ben, we have been told if I am willing to change this that or the other in regards to my professional life then I can get a school. Otherwise nothing as of yet.
Before you criticize Lakewood schools, I want to point out that there are a number of schools that have closed their doors for lack of interest, even as the bloggers criticize the schools for being too picky.
There is no shortage of schools. There is a shortage of people willing to settle for less than what they feel they deserve.
It is not that Lakewood schools are elitist, as Rechnitz claims. It is Lakewood parents – the very parents some of whose children are not being accepted – that are elitist.
As to those such as Mr. Shidler, who came from out of Lakewood:
If you want to join the Lakewood community and enjoy what Lakewood has to offer, you need to conform to the standards of the Lakewood community. The reason you are choosing to live in Lakewood is because you want to benefit from the work of a critical mass of people who want to live by certain standards. It is these very standards that make your family feel safe, physically and spiritually, to live here.
You expect the Lakewood schools to accept your child, but you refuse to conform to those very standards that make the school the type of school you want to send your children to.
Why should the school reach out and accept your child against their standards, going against the collective will of the parent body, when you are not even willing to change your Instagram page?
Maybe u should spread the word about the new school through whatss app.
Changing the look on your website would be a good start.
Yosef – I know what I would do (and perhaps many others would too) if I was in the same predicament as you. I would reach out to the school that had made the offer and would agree to retract my letter and apologize. At the end of the day you’ll come out on top. Not worth standing your ground when your kids future is at stake..
Open the school.
You’ll be happy and you’ll many similar people happy.
You’ll be your own boss.
Of course, you’ll accept all applicants into your school as well.
That is a second reason to open the school.
Would venture to think that it will be much easier to raise funds for your school then it is to get you’ll kids onto any current school.
don’t you realize that he already stated that he will NOT accept all applicans!!! He is leaving this a SMALL school. so now he will know what it feels like to be on the administrative end and telling parents, SORRY, we have no room for your child!!
So to put it in perspective. This is not an issue where you did not have a school . It is an issue as to whether or not private schools in Lakewood have the right to ask you to do certain things differently in order for them to feel comfortable having you fit in with their hashkofas . I’m not saying that you are not entitled to your opinion ,but since 99.99 per cent of Lakewood parents do not have this problem ,then maybe there are 2 legitimate sides to this story .
While I care very much about you and that you shouldn’t be caused any tzar and that you and your family should be very matzliach in all your endeavors and I hope we can be zocheh to greet moshiach TOGETHER very soon in our days, I’m also part of the other school of thought that believes that, although with some imperfections, the system must run just this way in order to ensure the highest caliber schools in rucniyus. (However this works is not in the scope of my comment.)
Though, I cannot help but ask who is the chashuva Rov you make mention of that guides you as to the practices of your social media presence and the engagements your involved in as it pertains to your work.
Bbirchas kol tov,
I really think the original post was not appropriate . It made it sound like you were not offered any school ,which is not the case . It is well known that all Lakewood schools have various different standards that parents are expected to follow and this is sumply a case where one parent does not agree to follow a particular school or schools standards . You may have a valid point ,but it’s a totally different issue from somebody simply not being offered any school for no good reason
And what happens when someone applies to your school and you feel their hashkafos are not up to par with yours?!?!?!? Are you willing to accept ANYONE who applies to your school?????
He stated many times that it will be a SMALL school!! He will automatically be rejecting many children, saying that there is no room!
Yes. I’m sure they will accept every child as Lubavuitch hashkofas is to accept,anybody even not Shomer Shabbos ,even reform
Take it easy!
Maybe their kiruv schools, but they also have many different schools.
(And every kiruv camp and org. will be taking in people who affiliate themselves (ignorantly) with various so-called groups. We certainly respect every Jew, as long as he respects himself!!! There is a great article: The Rebbe and the Reform Leader)
hERSHY? why do you attack Lubavitch or poke jokes to publicly and openly lie about them. NO they do no accept all. They will NOT perform a bar mitzvah for anyone whose lineage is not 100% confirmed. Are they into kiruv and accepting all YES. Note one day you may be stuck somewhere or a relative will chas vshalom need help be it medical or something. The first or maybe second person you will call will be the Closest Chabad Shliach to see if they have a local connection. And guess what- they may well have a close connection and they for sure will go out of their way for even you who openly and publicly besmirched them.
i‘m just wondering if the same social media Rov has also guided your decision to stand your ground in regards to apologizing and retracting your letter or in regards to standing your grounds in regard to you “professional” social media use even though it is affecting your kids chinuch??
Ateres Tziporah. The answer to your issue. Great school… very welcoming and most of all your daughter will be greeted with a smile and come home smiling.
Good luck.
CoolMasmid_Well said!
As my Rov told me when I was thinking of sending my child to a school with an innovative approach – There are plenty of areas where you could innovate, but the Chinuch of your kids shouldn’t be one of them…
My advice to you is take the feedback you’re getting here seriously and do what’s in the best interest of the normalcy of your child.
Hatzlacha Rabah!
It’s very normal for chabad to homeschool. They have robust curriculums online.
School is for snags
Not to sound doubtful or disrespectful but may I ask you who is your Rov that has guided you in the matters you referenced?
SCHIDLER FOR PRESIDENT!!!
SCHIDLERS ARE NUMBER 1!
Mr.Shindler your Business will flourish even more once you disconnect from social media Personally I SHUT my insta account and my business took off (and no my site did not have pics of any humans
YOUR kids will FLOURISH as well in a regular school
Did hitler yimach shmo ask the millions of jews who he forced in to the gas chambers:
Are u shomer shabbos?
Do u wear tephillin?
Does your wife wear a wig or hat?
What size yamulka do u wear?
Do u wear stockings?
Do u wear a blue shirt during the week?
These are all retorical questions obviously.
Regardless of the type of jew u were , u were sent to the ovens .
And you guys have the chutzpah to tell someone off about thier yiddishkiet while wanting to find a school for thier daughters?
You guys need a major wake up call!
Just remember karma hits you when u least expect it.
Mr. Yitz: using your reasoning, Hitlers standards should be applied for our school admissions.
So you would have no problem if your child’s class would include non religious children that their connection to Judaism is one paternal great grand parent?
Just pointing out the fallacy of your argument, though the emotions conjured up from the gas chambers mentioned, did confuse my thinking for a moment.
Is this a question of a child without a school?
or is it really:
May a private School set ANY yiddishkiet standard for the admissions into their school?
If the answer is yes, then the standard itself isn’t fair to be debated.
The debate should rather be, is it right for a parent to insist on not conforming to a city-wide standard, on the cheshbon of his child?
I remember in the 80s and 90s when many schools did not allow TV at home. A parent was complaining that his child wasn’t accepted. All he had to do was get rid of the TV. He was not willing to get rid of it, and badmouthed the school for not accepting him.
May I humbly suggest that these letters not be publicised, they delegitimize the other “real” sad cases where children who respect Lakewood school standards get rejected. The Scoop is a great platform to raise awareness of difficulties facing our community and hopefully find solutions. Sadly, this is crying wolf…
@yitz
Karma is a Hindu concept that is based in avoda zara, and is antithetical to the Jewish concept of free will, and gilgulim among other issues. Please educate yourself before lecturing us.Hitler threw atheistic and agnostic Jews into the gas chambers as well. Your point is?
Who is your rav!?
I would want my children to be in a school with children from the same background hashkofically as ours. If there is a sprinkling of other children from different backgrounds that would be okay but, those children might feel uncomfortable in that school.
My rov has told me many times in the past when I had very pressing questions and issues, “don’t be right, be smart”. And your case right now I think this is highly appropriate and applies very strongly. You might be right on every level but in the end of the day be smart, I don’t think you understand what it means opening a school running an institution like that. The burden and the headaches that come with it are unfathomable. Much hatzlacha and nachas.
This situation does not appear to be as simple as is being depicted. I sense that there exists a clash of egos between the two sides, each staying their ground. I will not praise the behavior of Yeshiva administrators nor will I say that Rabbi Shidler is 100% correct in his approach. After all we are, as the Charon Ish says, dealing with dinei nefoshos, that of the children.
True bnei Torah and bnei Aliyah who understand the concepts of chesed, middos tovos, and proper behavior know that compromise is a part and parcel of the Torah. Halacha is replete with compromise when differences exist. The two parties here must set aside their pride and look at the more important goal- – that of the child’s chinuch. If not, you have sowed the seeds for a future youth/teen at risk. It is that simple.
Unfortunately Lakewood has adopted with regards to schools – we’re better than you! One school just closed down with an open door policy.
The first Frum School (The Day School) closed down a few years ago, because no one wanted to support it! It had an open door policy.
Maybe I am old and stupid but can somebody please explain to me whats wrong with Lubavitch? As far as I know they are also trying to bring Jews to Yidishkeit. Is it because they are not dead set about anybody going to college, Our son went to Yeshiva then to medical school , Now B H, he is a very dedicated and compassionate doctor . And helping a lot of people. And also of course doing a lot of Chesed. I could go on and on,Maybe it wasnt right to bring up about hitler Yimach schmo vei zichro but in a way it was unfortunately true. Enough for now,
@ Bubbie Zelda, read both letters he posted again. this has nothing to do with Lubavitch. (he just happens to be Lubavitch) the schools asked him to conform to their standards about social media which he refused to do.
Bubbie Zelda,
This had nothing to do with Lubavitch.
There are many lubavitch children in schools in Lakewood, including my sons class.
The issue here is that the schools have an issue with his business Instagram page, and the kinds of pictures that are on it.
The Lubavitch angle was just a red herring.
Hopefully, he will do what’s best for his child and compromise.
Hatzlacha.
It all depends on what our goal is. Some want to raise their children doing Mitzvos while also making sure their children have a successful carreer. Others have a goal of raising children as future talmidei chachamin, ovdei Hashem, yirei Shamayim that will sit in the koslei bais medrash for as long as possible. With such high goals, its important our young children dont get involved/ exposed to things that are un-necessary and may be a distraction that will Ch”V affect or ruin this lofty goal/outcome. Chazal have said pick your friends. Children and even teens are very impressionable and can be ruined with exposure from others who may bring in/ introduce something thats ok from their end but not others. This is why we are so careful with the standards of our schools. Its not right or wrong and its not about Hitler. There were many non religious yidden killed in World war II too. We have much higher aspirations. This is not our standard. Just to put things into proper perspective. Whats OK for one is not OK for another and that has to be respected.
I’m not sure what you mean by “…know that compromise is a part and parcel of the Torah.” We know that when it comes to a dispute in money we are encouraged to compromise to come to a resolution. However, where do you see that when it comes to halacha that we compromise? Do we say that since you want to wear a sleeveless top and I want you to cover your full arm we compromise at the elbow and if I insisted on the elbow we would compromise at the mid-point of the upper arm?! Why should I compromise on my standards because you decide that you want a lower standard? Why is your standard any more immutable than mine? Do you not have any care what your children are exposed to? Do you not make an attempt to control your children’s environment to a large degree?
I don’t know whether your comment warrants a reply but I will provide one. The tone of your comment clearly points in the direction of one whose attitude is that compromise is evil. I will not engage in an ongoing online dispute with you. Suffice it to say that in general, progress of any type in any forum is most achievable when compromises are brought to the table. Business dealings are never one sided. Each side seeks to get the better advantage often at the expense of the other side. Hence, a compromise is worked out. Very complex shailos presented to gedolim often times utilize compromise all within the framework of Halacha. You have determined that this issue cannot be resolved with a compromise. I do not know that you have adequate maturity and experience in rabbinical delivery to formulate your opinion. However, if you chose to live a life without compromises when necessary, that is your prerogative.
When I read the original article it came across as though they were not allowing you into any school because of having an Instagram account and being Lubavitch. I was confused because I know a lot of people who have business instagram accounts who are in mainstream Lakewood schools. I do not know anyone in Lakewood who is Lubavitch, to be fair.
Now it seems that there are basic hashkafic issues that do not allign with teh Lakewood schools. I truly feel for you. But I am proud to send my kids to school that have certain standards. We all have our standards, they are just different. One person may say I would not want my kids to be in school with kids who do Xyz , and another thinks that is fine but draws the line at Abc.
I feel very stronlgy that for the chinuch of our children we should only send to schools if we are 100% on board with their hashkafa. I always say if my kids prinicpals have a certain standard that I don’t necessarily agree with I will either pull my kids out or change my standards to meet theirs. And that’s what I’ve done. Otherwise you are sending mixed messages.
I wish you the best of luck but I do not think that your pictures , which to be sure show a ton of talent, are not the same as typical “pictures of brides”. Not all of them are dressed tzenua for one (short sleeves etc) and there are pictures on there that if they were on a billboard, I, as a woman, would look away.
None of us that don’t know you personally know anything about you other that what you wrote on this post and what’s on your website. You may be a huge tzaddik in many ways. I don’t know. Either way, your children certainly deserve to be in a school where they are loved and accepted and can thrive. But it is wrong for you to send to a school if you do not agree with their hashkafos.
What strikes me as fascinating while reading the comments is that one day “the chickens will come home to roost.” Part of the reason why schools feel like they can have such blatant disregard for the feelings of other students (a book can be put together of the humiliation that parents have been put through while trying to get their kids into schools) is because they know that for now they have the power on their side because of the homogenous nature of all the schools in Lakewood. But as every resident of Lakewood knows, the town is changing (and pretty quickly). The current “I’m better than thou” element of people in Lakewood are becomeing the minority b”h and in its work place, a new and nice majority of people who realize the importance of being kind to ALL Jews is important. New schools will open which will be open to accepting all types of kids (like every other jewish town in the world has) and the nightmare will be over for parents trying to get their kids into school. It’s just a matter of time…
Ah & Dave – No one is disputing that you can have more holier standards than others, but the problem lies that when there were only 2 Frum schools, e/o (no matter how Frum they were or not) was accepted to learn Torah. Now with 60 schools, not e/o is accepted!
Leib,
The chickens are already here. Did you hear of the following “issues” plaguing the frum community?
Addiction
Abuse
At risk youth/teens
Depression
Should I continue the list?
What factor do you think caused these issues?
The chickens are here already, Leib.
To Leib
Why don’t you or others just open up one school that will accept any child without any exceptions. That will solve the problem once and for all. What are you waiting for?
Leib
We have had schools that want go accept just about everybody. They have had to close down for lack of customers who want to go there . Why are you blaming the schools? It,seems like most parents,will not send to a school that has no standards for,acceptance.
Why don’t you try advertising a new school thst is open to anybody without any standards and let us know how many applications you get .
Glad that your daughter has a school. I would encourage you to still open the school. However maybe for next year. You have what it takes and Lakewood needs more schools. Do it for the mitzva.
I do not wish to post links here, however the fellow has a good complaint. he definitely has a right to get his kid in to a school, however one good look at any of his sights will show you that there is definitely a very different Hashkafa then even the most ‘modern’ Lakewood resident has.
There are clear photos of Chasanim and kallos, posing in extremely inappropriate ways. I understand that he has a right to make Parnasa from any way he sees fit, but to publicly post very inappropriate photos, publicly online is a different story.
Let’s hope that just like this had been resolved, so too the bashing of the Lakewood community’s that these letters generated in different social blogs will also be rectified.