How would your life be different if you had the ability to stay calm when your kids are acting up and remain levelheaded when your spouse is irritating? How about being able to stick to your diet when you’re craving a doughnut or being able to be confident and assertive with your uncharming boss? Would it radically transform your career, relationships, and overall well-being and life satisfaction? For most people, the answer is a resounding yes. The ability to do all of this is called emotional regulation. The good news is that we can all master this skill, and it’s easier than you may think. The key to mastering it requires a little background in how the brain works.
The brain and nervous system have three settings. Depending on which setting we are in at any given moment, we will feel, think, and act completely differently.
Setting 1 is the sympathetic nervous system. “Sympathetic” is the scientific term for this; it has nothing to do with the word “sympathy.” Our brain is in sympathetic mode when we are fearful, panicky, dreading, anxious, pressured, stressed, overwhelmed, impatient, irritable, angry, frustrated, annoyed, etc. The underlying mechanism of the sympathetic nervous system is the brain releasing the stress hormones known as adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine. The purpose of this state is to mobilize our brain and body to react to threat. However, for many reasons beyond the scope of this article, our brain often reacts as if we are threatened in situations when we are not. Pause for a moment to reflect on how you think and act when you are in this state of the brain.
Setting 2 is the dorsal vagal setting. Our brain is in the dorsal vagal zone when we feel depleted, fatigued, dead, hopeless, depressed, apathetic, drained, burnt out, etc. This setting is characterized by a lack of energy; it’s the brain’s shutdown mode. This state too is meant to be a response to threat, just in a different way than the sympathetic setting. Sometimes shutting down is the best response to threat. How do you think and act when you are in this state?
Setting 3 is the ventral vagal nervous system. It’s the brain’s natural and preferred setting. It feels really good in the ventral vagal setting. When you’re in ventral vagal, you feel calm but focused, rational, safe, understanding, confident, grateful, forgiving, joyful, excited, easygoing, humorous, connected, loving, present, and alive. It’s also the brain setting that has our values as well as אמונה and בטחון. It’s the only setting in which you can think through a problem rationally and come up with solutions.
Here’s the challenge. The ventral vagal setting is the most sophisticated setting in the brain. It’s what makes us human. Animals have sympathetic and dorsal vagal, but they don’t have ventral vagal in the way that we do. Because of that, it uses lots of energy. When the brain shifts into sympathetic or dorsal vagal, it turns off the ventral vagal setting and shifts its energy into the other settings. This leaves us mentally handicapped; we can’t think clearly, we are irrational, and miserable. We also act in ways that we will regret afterward because we don’t have access to our full self.
The key to emotional regulation is to learn how to shift into the ventral vagal setting at will. There are numerous methods that are helpful for this. One of the easiest and simplest methods is known as breathwork.
When I first became a therapist, I had little interest in breathing techniques. I wanted to do the deeper work with my clients. I still do that work, and it’s an indispensable part of achieving well-being. However, I’ve come to appreciate the power of the breath. The breath is the master key to the brain’s settings. Having that master key gives you immense power. It gives you the freedom to choose who you are in the present moment. Growth is something that happens in the moment. It happens in the choices we make in many moments, again and again, until that becomes who we are naturally.
The science of breathwork is vast and encompasses many different methods. However, there is one breathwork technique that has extensive research specifically on its effect on shifting the brain rapidly into the ventral vagal setting. It’s also one of the easiest and simplest breathwork techniques. Here’s how to do it.
Put your hand on your heart and focus your attention on your chest area, where your hand is resting. Begin breathing normally, just a little slower and a little deeper than usual. Breathe to the count of 4 in and 4 out. It doesn’t need to be exact; it’s more important than it feels natural and easy. When you breathe in, imagine the breath filling up your heart. When you breathe out, imagine the breath coming out from your heart. For optional added effect, after about one minute of breathing, focus on something that makes you feel happy, grateful, or loving. Breathe those feelings in through your heart and out from your heart. Practicing this technique for a few minutes daily will give you massive benefits in a short time period. You can learn more about this technique here. (https://heartmath.com/experience/).
This breath gives you a powerful ability. It gives you the power to choose your brain setting. Choosing your brain setting is choosing who you are in each and every moment. Who you are for a lifetime is made up of who you choose to be in every moment.
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