Submitted: As someone who recently had the zechus of marrying off children, I had a conversation with a friend about whether this process could be done more affordably. It turns out, yes it can. Here are some ideas we came up with of where we can cut- some may sound a bit outlandish at first, but please reflect on them and see if they are really necessary.

Drop the Lechaim and the Vort

We don’t need both. Allow me to be honest—I loathe going to vorts. It’s a huge schlep, night seder gets compromised, I get stuck in traffic, have to navigate undersized parking lots and end up going to sleep later than I’d like. I also have to change out of my weekday clothes (which, by the way, I recently stopped doing—because really, does it make a difference anymore?) just to say “Mazel Tov” and hang around for a few minutes.

As someone who made a vort, let me tell you: I found it rather boring. I wanted my friends to come so my mechutan wouldn’t think I had no friends, and I was also happy to see them—but I felt bad for what they had to endure. And I felt bad for myself, too: standing on my feet all night, smiling at people, trying to look busy when no one was coming over to me. I, for one, certainly don’t need it. A nice, lavish Lechaim in the house is plenty.
Savings: $4,000–$8,000

 Drop the Aufruf Shabbos

Look—I love you (uncle, sibling, cousin, etc.), I really do. But after a long week, I want to be in my own home, sleep in my own bed, and eat my wife’s cooking (which, frankly, I prefer over catered food). Please don’t be insulted.

Invite me to a nice kiddush after davening, and I’ll do my best to come (even if it means walking across town). I’ll eat a bit of kugel, have a l’chaim and wish you Mazel Tov. But schlepping out for a whole Shabbos? Really not necessary, and if you don’t invite us, you’ll get to also save yourselves a lot of money.
Savings: $6,000–$11,000

3. Get Your Kid a Cheaper Car

In my day, a car wasn’t a given. Today, it is—and I get it. But why does it need to be a late-model Camry or even better, at a cost of between $21k–$28k?

Let’s agree that a Camry is probably the best car for your money. They are workhorses. But you can also get a 10-year-old Camry with 100k miles for around $12k–$16k all in. If it wasn’t in an accident and was mostly dealer-serviced, it’ll easily last another 100k+ miles with minimal maintenance. Use Carfax—it will give you that info. And while most dealers in Lakewood only sell newer models, go online, read dealer reviews, and you’ll find trustworthy sellers of older, well-maintained vehicles.

Savings: $6,000–$17,000

4. Cheaper Shaitlach

Why are kallah’s getting wigs at prices their mothers would never dream of spending for themselves? I know—I’m a man and have no business talking about this. But I’m going to anyway.

In my humble (and entirely unqualified) opinion, expensive shaitels don’t offer a return on investment to justify the cost. I think the absolute max that should be spent on a shaitel is $2,500. And this is really none of my business but I don’t see the need for a fall either. Be honest: does your wife have a fall and two sheitels? My guess is that 90% of young women stop wearing their fall after Shana Rishona.

Savings: I’m a man—ask your wife.

5. Stop the Expensive Dates

This needs to be said: why in the world do dates (both pre and post engagement) have to cost a few hundred dollars a piece?

Young man, your Kallah will not break up with you if you don’t take her out to an expensive restaurant every other week. And if she would—well, that’s a whole other conversation. Also, I don’t think girls are impressed when they see you treat your father’s money like water. They don’t either care if you stay local, you don’t need to go to Deal or Manhattan. They’re not rating your menu selections either. Why order filet mignon when they are ok with a salad and some appetizers?  And can we talk about the two to three-part date thing? Topgolf, dinner, then the Escape Room or something similar, because apparently the date would be “boring” otherwise. Let’s learn how to have real conversations and keep the dates to reasonable lengths of time.

Parents, give your kids $200 max per date. If they want more, let them dip into their own wallets.
Savings: Easily thousands

6. Reduce the Gifts

Reduce, not eliminate. Gifts have a role—but unfortunately, it seems to have taken a turn for the ridiculous. We’ve run out of thoughtful ideas, so now it’s getting silly.

Where there once were a few meaningful exchanges during the engagement period, now we have all kinds of “merch” with the couple’s lovely picture on them. Then there are the countdown clocks, holograms, and “Mr. & Mrs.” chotchkes of all kinds. (Side note: I thought you wanted a learning boy, so why all the “Mr.” branding?). Then there are the monogram gifts of all sorts. Kallah, does your Chosson miss you so much that he needs another gift for every day you don’t see each other? Believe me, he can handle it. With all the gift giving going on, it simply has  become a competition of who can give more and who is more creative.

And future shver, please don’t feel pressured into buying your new eidim a $5,000 watch. The only real difference between that and the $2,500 one is the label. Trust me—they both tell time equally well, and the leather or stainless steel is the same quality. With a more expensive watch, you’re buying a name, not a better product.

Parents, set reasonable budgets and limits for the gifts your children buy each other.

Savings: Several hundred to several thousand dollars—and some dignity.

7. Wedding Day Patchkerei

I didn’t even touch on the wedding day itself yet, and we’ve already saved you thousands. But let’s talk about it for a moment.

In my opinion, weddings in Lakewood are some of the best out there—and at very reasonable prices. The proof? Our halls are booked solid including numerous bookings, including many by out-of-towners, and we’re stuck waiting months for openings. So yes, maybe there’s still some room to trim—but we’re already doing a pretty solid job in that department.

However, all the patchkerei? That can be reduced significantly.

Let’s start with gowns. Why does it cost nearly as much to rent a gown from a “gemach” as it would to buy a new one? And why do alterations often run up to 50-100% of the rental cost? I’m not in this business so I don’t know for certain but to me it seems that the markups for rentals and alterations are way too high. In many cases, it may make more sense to just purchase a gown outright, especially if it can be worn to multiple weddings, (which can be done even by the same person (mother and sisters), if you purchase a simple, conservative gown). Do your research.

Now, makeup. I understand that the kallah and mothers (and perhaps a single sibling who is post high school) want professional makeup. But why does every girl in the family need to look like a porcelain doll? At $100+ per face, that adds up fast. Mommy can handle the little girls—she’ll do a great job, and they’ll feel beautiful.

Savings: Quite a lot—and your simcha will still be beautiful.

Savings: Thousands

8. The Grand Exit

Now let’s talk about the limo and the hotel. Once upon a time, limos were in style, then they were out, and now they’re back in—full rage. On average, a limo to a hotel 45–60 minutes out of Lakewood can run up to $800, plus a tip. Depending on the time of year, hotels can cost anywhere between $250 to $650 per night. And it’s become the custom to book two nights, so the new couple doesn’t have to deal with an 11 a.m. checkout. And also let’s not forget the Chosson’s friend, who has to drive the Chosson’s car to the hotel, check in for him and park it there so that he’ll have it for the next day and then this friend needs to Uber himself back to Lakewood.

So I ask you: who really needs all this, when their apartment is fully set up and ready for them to move into? Why, at the wee hours of the morning, does the couple have to travel an hour away to a hotel—when they could be in their very own set up apartment (with brand new beds and linen) in ten minutes?

The whole hotel thing is a throwback to the past, when no one made weddings in Lakewood and couples didn’t have quick access to their apartment. But today, with beautiful new apartments ready to go, there’s just no reason to waste this kind of time and money.

If you want to mark the occasion, rather invest a little bit of money decorating the apartment and making it special for the occasion. That will actually mean something.

Savings: $1,000-2,200

I’m sure there are more ways to save, I’ll leave those for others.

If you have gotten this far in this letter, I thank you for reading. Here is my fear though. You’ll read this letter, agree with some things, disagree with others- and then, move on to other tasks and tend to life in general. Within 24 hours, this will be all but forgotten.

So, to make this stick, I would like to invite you to join a chat dedicated to us parents, where we can help each other with ideas on how we can save. My hope is it will be a resource of various sales, vendors and ideas that can be helpful in easing the financial burden of marrying off a child. If you’d like to be part of it, email your phone number to [email protected] .

If you’d like to join, sign up now, before you forget.

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