I’d like to bring attention to an issue that’s quietly but deeply affecting members of our community—particularly older singles—in settings where it should never be happening: the workplace.
It’s hard enough being in Shidduchim, especially as one gets older. But what adds to the pain is the way people around us speak about it, often without thinking, and often within earshot of those they’re discussing.
In professional settings, where we come to focus on work, it’s deeply inappropriate—and frankly, hurtful—for coworkers to talk loudly on the phone about “how bad they feel for people still in shidduchim,” or to describe someone’s single status as a “nebach.” I had a co worker say without any care or concern while I’m sitting right there that Nebach she has a friend that’s 22 years old and she needs to get engaged! I wanted to shout loudly to this girl just because you were married 2 years and struggled with infertility and now your prayers have been answered doesn’t give you a right to talk like this! These conversations may be meant as expressions of concern, but they come across as condescending and demeaning, especially when said casually and loudly in public or semi-public spaces like offices.
What happened to people being considerate or even having a brain?! Just because you got married at the ripe old age of 19, not everyone around you is zoche to that!
Open your minds and hearts and realize that not everyone’s trajectory in shidduchim is the same. People need to realize that the same God that is controlling their day to day life, giving them children, parnassah- that God is the same one controlling shidduchim.
What’s often missed is this: many older singles are doing just fine. They are accomplished, thoughtful, and living meaningful lives. Yes, they may deeply want to get married—but they don’t need to be pitied, discussed, or made into objects of chesed. They deserve dignity, privacy, and respect.
Speaking about someone’s personal challenges—especially in a setting that’s supposed to be professional—shows a lack of basic awareness. It’s a form of lashon hara cloaked in concern. And when it’s done loudly, with no regard for who might be listening, it crosses a boundary into insensitivity that no Torah community should tolerate. Think before you open your mouth! What happened to people forgetting about that?!
We can all do better. Let’s think before we speak—especially in public or at work. Let’s stop using someone’s single status as a conversation topic. And let’s learn the difference between empathy and pity.
I hope and pray that everyone gains some level of Seichel, Sensitivity after reading these words of pain!
There are older singles all around us, and many are listening—even when we think they’re not. Let’s give them the same courtesy we’d want for ourselves: privacy, dignity, and the benefit of being seen as whole people—not as “unfinished stories
May we be zocheh to greater sensitivity,
Anonymous
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Thank you!
I agree wholeheartedly!! Ppl need seichel and i dont mean walking on eggshells around singles. But have the brains when in presence of a single in shidduchim that you are not discussing you single friend that is younger than the person in the room and that she NEEDS a shidduch!! all boys and girls in shidduchim NEED a shidduch. Lets start using our Seichel that Hashem granted all and make a difference
YES! I agree!
Yes I agree! Thank you
I agree!!! PPl need to realize when there is someone in the presence in work in shidduchim to have the smartness NOT to say her friend that is younger that the person at work NEEDS a shidduch!! all Boys and girls in shidduchim NEED a shidduch
This doesnt mean u need to walk around on eggshells but have the seichel not to talk like this!!
WOW every word is so true!!
If the bais yakov high schools chosse to talk about lacetops and other things none concerning to a teenager and maybe focus on bein adam lachaveiro and sensitivity then we might be a in a way better place and who knows maybe mashiach would even come!
the Bais Yaakovs are 100% right in talking about this topics as the teenagers will remember them as they’re preparing to stand under their chuppah a few years later. And for those who need to wait to stand under their chuppah, they will know how wrong these things are as well.
This is a great reminder for everyone, thank you.
I do want to mention though that your coworker sounds socially off. This is not typical. I’ve worked in three offices over a number of years, and never heard anything like this. In fact – my office is one of the only places where I really feel accepted based on who I am and the work I produce.
Thank you for these wise words
Too many married women in the workplace seem to be causing more problems than solutions. Between them offending older singles and ruining married men…….get out of the workforce. Go home and take care of your family!
And who will support the men in learning?
Families often need 2 parents working to pay the bills.
Perhaps the best solution is to stop yentaing at work and … work.
I think we’ve all been in a position when talking to someone or within earshot of someone, and realized we said something that may have been hurtful to that person. We all slip and this is something we all need to work on, thinking carefully when speaking, but it’s also good to have empathy for people in whatever situation they are in so that will push us to do something about it. So while she did something wrong, let’s acknowledge that she might have been biting her tongue and regretting it later in the day. I think we all space out and say stupid things sometimes, and maybe forgiving the person will be an extra zechus for the person who was hurt. Hashem Judges us as we judge others so it’s always helpful to overlook something that’s really hard to overlook. And yes, that person needs to be working on it also. So I agree this letter is written well and is a good way to respond. But we all have shortcomings.
This doesn’t sound like it happened once. If it was once, I doubt the writer would have written.
yes ppl are insensitive, ppl dont think before they talk etc. all that is true. however we are now in elul a time for self reflection not a time to reflect on other ppl. so maybe we can look inside ourselves and ask what can i do to grow in this elul. why do we always have to reflect on others? YES there will ALWAYS be problems in our world אין צדיק בעולם שלא יחטא but stop pointing out the problems with others, what about ourselves are we doing everything in our power to make sure we dont ever hurt or embarrass ppl we know?
there are no words to console older singles, hashem should send all of you your zivug b’karov!
People care. And yes they may make mistakes. Please try to focus on that they even care. At any age for any reason there may be difficulties for one to find their bashert, going on for months or years with no date. The situation may be much worse than yours. Maybe she has a medical issue, family dynamics, a broken engagement or chas v shalom divorced with a child. We dont know the issues.
I was told to mention to my friends and people I meet that I have a single daughter ( no she isn’t 19, 20 23 or 25). So i Network when i am at simchos. I cannot tell you how many times I put my foot in my mouth because the person I asked had an even older daughter. Somewhat afraid to even bring up the issues.
Should i be mad that my daughter doesn’t get names or a yes for just a days. I actually try to red shidduchim to those who are single of all ages. That’s what I can do to make a difference to the situation. Maybe then someone will come to think of my daughter. People need to think of others and thats a good thing for shidduchim. Many respond I dont know anyone in shidduchim to red someone. Thats because they dont have their own kids in shidduchim. Yet they have relatives or siblings in shidduchim. Anyone can red a shidduch and most shidduchim actually come from friends, family and non professional shadchanim.
People really care. They are not trying to hurt your feelings. As someone said to me once. Sometimes the wires between the heart and the brain get criss crossed and the comment that comes out of the mouth is odd, known as a short circut . But its all from the heart.
Singles are not nebachs. Yet would you rather no one think about singles. There are enough issues out there that each person and family are dealing with.
Many workplaces are arranging shaddchanim to come in house to meet singles. Many co workers will know you better than your classmates from high school form 4,5,6+ years ago.. they can be the one to find your bashert
It’s not easy being single so long. Take it from someone who didnt get married till 28 and lived in a Dormitory for many years. Its not easy. Focus on the people who care and their good intentions. And try your best to see the good as hard as it is.
in my business in Boro Park real old Bachurim come in whom are in their 60’s & 70’s , some are professionals and most have very good jobs and at the same time it costs them next to nothing to live, they eat breakfast in shul’s, they wear the same clothing for 40 years, They live in rent control apartments and pay bubkis for rent, and regardless of their tremendous Wealth and savings They are so cheap and stingy when they come to my place they wouldn’t not spend an extra dime. I can’t figure them out! But I will never make a comment to them or to my co-workers about them as it’s pure loshon horah’ המבייש את חבירו ברבים איו לו חלק עולם הבא.
In Lakewood, I don’t see so much of them.
Yes maybe ppl can learn to be more aware of their surroundings but if u take every letter that comes up here with everyone’s sensitivities and try to adhere to everyone’s wants u would need to stay locked up in ur basement and never talk to anyone or go anywhere….
there’s also an element of u need to grow up, u are in the real world… stop trying to make everyone else do ur work for u.
Woah u missed the boat ! the letter writer is talking about ppl using SEICHEL. so u are saying that u dont need to use your seichel cuz that means you will be locked up in your basement? Your comment alone just shows how much seichel you have!
You’ll never change a drunken who says things when intoxicated. Those who makes such insensitive and uncensored comments are drunken. I’m single too.
AGREE!