Dear Reader,
I would like to share a dilemma that I believe many singles face today, along with a possible solution.
I speak on behalf of many wonderful singles in our community. We are Jewish men and women, deeply committed to getting married and building loving, supportive families, God willing. We are serious about life, driven by a strong sense of purpose, and find great satisfaction in doing what is right, even when it’s difficult. At the same time, we are warm, easygoing individuals who appreciate humor and enjoy wholesome activities.
We could go on and on about what we have to offer because the truth is, we bring a lot to the table. Many of us have gained more life experience than some will ever have. However, we face a significant challenge: we are often overlooked. We didn’t grow up in prominent families or with prestigious yichus. We weren’t born into circles of askanim, rabbanim, roshei yeshiva, or gevirim. We are entirely self-made, and while we take pride in that, it means we often go unnoticed.
When we approach shadchanim, we are met with polite smiles and nods, but we know we’ll likely be forgotten amidst their busy schedules. We don’t want to burden shadchanim. We’re independent and capable, a reflection of the fact that we’ve had to earn our way in life. We’ve earned our places in schools, yeshivas, and seminaries, and we’ve earned the right to build beautiful Jewish homes. We never relied on “yichus cards” to get anywhere.
Given all of this, I ask: Why do we need shadchanim? What’s wrong with continuing to do what we do best—representing and advocating for ourselves? Why can’t we pick up the phone and initiate our own shidduchim? Imagine a simple conversation: “Hello, my name is [Your Name]. I heard about you from [Source] and would like to introduce myself. Could I tell you a bit about myself and ask a few questions about you? Perhaps I could send you my résumé to review?”
I realize this idea might shock some, with concerns that it deviates from tradition. But this approach was, in fact, the norm for many years. (Did you ever read “All for the Boss”? Rav Yaakov Yosef Herman attended a Shabbos meal at a girl’s house before even considering a date. Are we more frum than Rav Herman?)
This issue points to a larger problem: the growing power of shadchanim. Their role is to introduce potential matches, but when did they become policy-makers? Why do they decide how many dates are appropriate, how long each date should be, or how quickly one must decide to proceed? Shouldn’t their involvement end after arranging the first date, leaving the rest to the individuals involved? They would still receive compensation for their efforts. And for those concerned about tznius—consider Rav Shlomo Wolbe’s words on “frumkeit”—is it truly tznius to have a shadchan probing for intimate details between dates? Why can’t the singles simply speak the next day and decide whether to continue?
Perhaps the fear is that a more natural, human process might lead to two people genuinely liking each other—and even getting married. What a concept!
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope we can address these issues before the system collapses under its own weight, causing unnecessary heartache in the process.
Wishing everyone a Ksiva V’Chasima Tova!
TLS welcomes your letters by submitting them to [email protected]
This is a question for the Daas Torah of Rabbanim and Gedolim not the peanut gallery on TLS.
I hope you find your zivug soon and are Boneh a Bayis Ne’eman B’Yisroel.
if this is a psak for older singles only, who are more mature and responsible by nature, the Rabbonim may not only permit it they may actually encourage it, but only after 3-5 years of regular dating by introduction.
SO, on a basic level, it is considered pritzus to go without a shadchan, ask your rav.
Yes, you may be interested in someone, and thats fine, but then you need to ask a third party, preferably someone with sense, to be a go between, because of modesty.
I would also like to point out, that touting the maalos of “self-made” individuals, and putting yourself among them, with the additional aspect of basically dismissing the system as if the rest of society is doing something silly just for the sake of tradition, smacks of conceit and self-importance.
Whether you have that flaw or not i am not equipped to say. But it definitely comes across like that.
if a person does have that flaw, they may well have a difficult time with shidduchim not because there’s anything wrong with the system, but because of their own situation.
Huh? Everybody has flaws. I don’t understand your point.
That is the most socially off mock conversation I have heard in a long time. Maybe suggest speed dating, chaperoned singles events, but not cold calling a guy/girl. That’s creepy and really strange, in any circles
Excellent point of view. Shkoach.
perfect idea but just have her friend call. anyone can make a suggestion and we need more of that. the problem is..
rochel: hi (best friend) can you call mrs x i heard she has a son that could work for me
BF: sure
BF: hi Mrs X i want to tell you about my amazing friend i think it would be a great idea for your son
MRS X: Hes busy now and has 100 resumes to look through…click
Mr knocker shadchan who wants 3k shadchanus: Hi Mrs X i have an amazing girl for your son..
MRS X: im listening
I agree! We need more “simple” ppl to redt shidduchim and we need ppl to accept a shidduch redt by a “nobody”
Happens all the time. Not everyone is a fool and turns down a shidduch just because the one redting the shidduch isn’t famous. It’s about 50/50.
Why are we giving a voice to those who want to upend the established norms that have been instituted by gedolim?
And the fact remains that 1000’s of shidduchim are being made, so statistically this is working. Changing the system to potentially help 1% may break it for the 90%.
I appreciate the frustration of the writer, but let’s not give every idea a platform.
just wondering, which gedolim established our dating system?
None. If anyone disagrees, please bring evidence , not hearsay.
Since we’re brainstorming about new solutions, Lakewood should have a vaad similar to the girls high school vaad. They should tell girls whom they have to marry. Any girl that doesn’t follow will be an outcast. Because just as every high school is really the same, so too is every BMG bochur.
1- no girl should approach or be approached directly, this rips off the basic tznius of a girl.
2- even Adam Harishon had a shadchan, and that’s the wy it’s been ever since then, unless it just “happens” which in those specific only, it is beyond our control to cause it/prevent it.
3- America in those days was full of serious breaches in family life, and one couldn’t rely on how the father behaved in shul, the children could have rebelled, so Rav Herman had to see the family in action, today we have friends, neighbors and mosdos who can attest to any girls commitment to kashrus and family life and there is no need to deviate from the norm.
4- what we need is Siyata DiShmaya, and what we need to do is zrizin makdimin.
A very big gadol has told many friends of mine that they should approach a girl straight
I actually had a senior shadchan tell me that she tells ppl that the more you can cut the shadchan out of the picture, the better for everyone!
what would the Gadol tell his own daughter if she came back from a friend’s wedding and told him that she was asked out by one of the chosson’s friends? what would he say if his son informed him that he asked the girl who was in front of him in line at the cleaners for a date?
who are you? and where are you heading?
I think you mind is in the gutter, i don’t want to know what your imagining but i don’t think that there are many kosher ways to getting the ball rolling
sorry i meant to say “I DO think that there are many kosher ways….”
That type of P’sak is specifically given to the person asking the question, in response to his personal situation, not to the general public.
Those of us who to college in the ’60s-80s interacted with each other in very reseectful, kosher ways, whether in the classroom, SUBO or in coffee area. It was most natural for young men & women to meet and many shidduchim made.
Now this generation has been shut down there, no girls should talk to boys unnecessarily and vice versa.
A manufactured motzei shem ra :
Those girls that do, are not tzniys’dik and the boys are suspect. This is not only absurd but
delinquent, almost criminal.
Suddenly,
..Sorry for typos.. Not for my opinion.
Your points are spot on! A gadol who grew up in America once told me”why can’t everyone just meet at the soda fountain like we did in the 1950s”. Granted it was not the most appropriate way to meet but his point is that meeting face-to-face (for serious people) is a much better way to go.. if the writer wants to organize such an event I and my wife would gladly help facilitate the program.
I know older people who met exactly the way you describe in the 1950s and 60s when it was ok to talk to a girl if they met at weddings, in stores or shul functions. They are ( or were, many passed ) wonderful, frum men and women who built beautiful families.
Very interesting perspective.
Basically the shortage of Shadchanim is because we are needing them too much.
While the specifics you suggested are bold.
The are certainly other that we can go back too that were commonly done that can be reinstated sooner.
Like the Shadchan not having to be the coordinator for the scheduling, instead having them talk directly to do that even from the first date. And a few other things as well.
This would certainly make it easier to be a shadchan if you didn’t have to be a dating coach as well.
Being single and in BMG for sometime, and having dated many girls, and dealt with many Shadchanim and consider myself a self made individual I couldn’t agree more.
One other idea that should be seriously considered in the Mainstream/BMG/Yeshivish community is Speed Dating.
The problem is that most people will not break from tradition, and will continue to date the way the system is currently set up.
However I am ready to break from the tradition….
You probably think I’m like this out of town harry who happens to be in BMG, no I’m regular guy.
Fantastic letter. Many great points. I hope readers will act on the writers suggestions.
I want to thank you for taking the initiation and congratulate you on a well thought out letter. However, I would like to propose a different method of bringing about dates. As you mentioned the often “regular folks” are the ones struggling to get a shadchan to suggest ideas. But picking up the phone and suggesting yourself to a boy won’t stop the piles of “higher profile” resumes the shadchanim are sending over to the boy . In fact, it would serve to differentiate the “average Joe” from “higher society” by bringing attention to the fact that you don’t have a shadchan interested in you, as you are making your in phone calls – not a good sign for a potential partner.
As you mentioned, R’Herman sat through a seudah before going on a date. In the same vein, why don’t we as a society, make it more acceptable to have yeshivish good single boys and girls mingle and meet in as more organic way. Be it a meet and greet kind of idea… a speed dating event where they meet a few people for a bit and can pursue it further if both sides are interested. Another idea could be, to have single boys and girls meet at weddings between the chuppah and dancing (I would assume most boys and girls at a wedding run in the same kind of circle).
Obviously, as a yeshivish society we don’t often have exposure to the opposite gender and this may lead to an awkwardness when trying to initially approach each other and start a conversation. I would think an experienced shadchan/mentor be present and ease the process by introducing the two to each other.
If a single is old enough to get married, they may be old enough to perhaps show in interest in a potential match without parents/shadchanim/society dictating their every move.
Obviously, this would need to be done with the guidance of Rabbanim This may be time to re-evaluate a system that may have spiraled out of control.
thanks
If you’re so inclined, Kol HaKavod! go for it.
No one is telling you not to.
I indeed encourage you to try anything that you deem as proper Hishtadlus in all areas, not just here.
Best Of Luck.
You are 100% right. Start now. We need more singles events. Make them.
Exactly.
You make two points. The problem and the solution. The solution is probably a bit more complicated than you make it sound, so I cannot sound off on that point, but I believe the problem is serious and should definitely be addressed:
There are too many good boys and girls not getting noticed, and as you said – they have a tremendous amount to offer. In fact, I know a fantastic bochur in Yeshivah, a dream in every way, hasmadah, appearance, middos, yiras shamayim, but ignored because he isn’t from a family of yachsanim. And if he isnt getting shidduchim, you can be sure the less qualified definitely aren’t (what Shidduch crisis??).
Furthermore, a shadchan told me that of course he wants to help everyone, but if he only has time to make one shidduch, it’s probably going to be the one that nets the most income – understandably. And most Shadchanim are busy with other things aside from Shidduchim. So, we need a solution.
If I may suggest a solution different than the one above; Lakewood/Jackson/Toms River now has hundreds of individual Kehillos, led by qualified Rabbonim/Rebbetzins. Perhaps every community should have a liason (or the Rebbetzin) which can attend monthly meetings with other liasons and official Shadchanim, at which they can seek successful matches. BH This is done successfully for other communal issues, and this would be a workable solution and huge step forward in this critical field.
To all those reading this, Rabbonim, Askanim, Shadchanim – if you have the ability to help – please do. Not to mention that it will be an enormous zchus for yom hadin.
Who is the bachur ignored by? A great boy who doesn’t have any shidduchim ideas redt to him because he isn’t from a family of “Yachsanim” ? Most families aren’t from the “yachsanim”. Maybe he is looking for a girl only from yachsanim himself. Would he agree to meet a girl from a ‘regular” family? Again, who exactly is ignoring him?
Agree. A really good boy usually doesn’t have a problem, no matter what family he comes from. Roshei Yeshiva will take a fantastic boy from a much weaker background if he’s that good.
With a girl, it’s a whole different story. A really good girl from a weaker background needs to daven extra hard for siyata dishmaya.
agree as well. However, why are we speaking of roshei yeshiva? I don’t think all great boys are meant to marry roshei yeshiva’s daughters. Why can’t a great bachur marry a really good girl? even if she isn’t the rosh yeshiva’s daughter? Actually, it happens all the time. most people are not roshei yeshiva, and with Hashem’s help, they get married to the tsugepaste shidduch!
out of towners have a different experience. its hard to get noticed
I am a famous alter bochur. But people must know and I have learned this and seen it myself, that you are not alone.
As lonely as I feel, rest assured in an unpleasant way, that we are all in the same boat. The singles all suffer in silence, but we know, if you look around, there are many more of us around than you think.
And add to that unfortunately divorced people. And anyone can be lonely, even married folk… that is the truth.
There is no silver bullet, easy answer, and pointing a finger does not help. There are many reasons people end up single. Not always the fault of shaddchanim at all.
Every individual person is unique, with different life stories and histories and different challenges. It is upon the individual to come to terms and take responsibility for their lives.
The tzibbur should be aware not to nudge people, cast evil eyes or castigate singles for things and reasons they did not do and are not responsible for.
May Hashem help and, as I stated previously, every single individual person must have someone qualified and reliable to speak to.
Avrohom.
You seem like a well spoken and refined and sensible good person.
Please don’t label yourself as a famous alte anything.
Be proud of who you are and define yourself as the famous wonderful person that you seem to be.
Drop your @ in the comments ppl
Great idea. We need more speed dating venues.
I love the idea. I think that maybe have some make the initial connection but from there let the two figure things out.
As far as the tzinius issue, if someone wanted to be “not tzinius” they could do it in our system as well, so its up to ppl to be their own mashgiach.
And i’m just curious to know, which gadol created our current system? When my parents for married the boy and girl always made their own arrangements. The shadchan gave the boy the girls number and the rest was history.
I think the point that the writer is trying to make is that we need to humanize the shidduch process. It became to industrial. No feelings. No sense of being a personal experience. No sense of privacy. It always bothers me that after i get married there will be some shadchan who knows more more about me and my spouse then we ourselves know.
I strongly agree with the point about the shadchan being to involved. The shadchan should redt the shidduch and set up the first date, after that let the two side continue in a way thats good for them.
cute story that my mother always tells. she was at the pizza shop with my great-grandmother(my mothers grand-mother) and a bochur passed by their table. my great-grand mother stopped him and introduced him to my mother. that night that went out. simple as that. stress free. because thats how they did it in the alta heim.
Governor Murphy Introduces ‘The Self Service Shidduchim Act’
NJ Governor Phil Murphy on Saturday introduced ‘The Self Service Shidduchim Act’, a crucial piece of legislation that would enable bachurim to seek out their barsherts without the assistance of professional or non-professional Shadchanim.
“Millions of Lakewood bachurim have been forced to abandon their shidduch search due to the cumbersome and onerous red tape of dealing with shadchanim who impede the bachurim’s ability to find their true barsherts,” the Governor told reporters during a press briefing on Saturday. “The Self Service Shidduchim Act that I am introducing today will allow NJ bachurim to bypass the shadchanim process and to meet their prospective barsherts without any intermediaries whatsoever.”
“The proposed legislation,” the Governor added, “would expedite the entire shiduch process while saving the bachurim bundles of cash that they can then use to pay the orchestras at their weddings.”
However, Aryeh Singlemitz, a 35-year old bachur, who currently resides in Lakewood, told reporters Saturday evening that he is vehemently opposed to the concept of self-service shidduchim and self service gas stations.
“One of the things I love about NJ is the statewide ban on self-service gas stations,” Mr. Singlemitz said, “because it allows me to relax inside my car while the gas station attendant fills up my gas tank with gasoline. Likewise, the shadchanim process allows me to sit back and relax while the shadchanim set up the meetings between me and my prospective barsherts. The shadchanim also give me tons of advice on what to talk about during those meetings.”
“I don’t know how I would survive without my trusty gas station attendants and my precious shadchanim by my side,” he added. “A world without shadchanim and gas station attendants is a gloomy and vacuous world bereft of all good.”
🙂
Good one. Keep ‘em coming!
Good luck guys with making an unexpected call to female. Single or previously married.
Lemme know how that goes over.
The idea is to normalize it.
If I don’t know if your old enough to remember when shidduch resumes started, but most people said ‘this is absurd, this isn’t a job interview…’
Well look were we are now
Ha ha .
Yup Im sure the guys are on board as of today.
The girls 25 and older…… get an unscheduled call from a guy?
Good luck guys.
This is a problem the shadchonim need to fix and R’ Hramna did not say that going to Shabbos dinner is the way to meet girls and get a Shidduch, he said after being redt a girl he wouldn’t go out on a date before meeting her at a Shabbos dinner, which means he wanted to meet the girl in a family setting before dating, big difference and undermines your premise, shadchonim should be doing their jobs which is to redt shiduchim, not just for those from prominent families, so what must change is the shadchonim, not the way we do dating, your way is extremely not tznius. It was never the norm in the frum velt for boys to initiate meetings with girls.
yes, Rabbi Herman went to the house of the girl to make sure that she was Shomer Shabbos! Not to be taken for granted in those days.
Exactly, nothing to do with what the writer claims.
I stopped reading this after a couple of paragraphs. This letter writer seems to think that older singles is something that is dealt with only by the “lower class”. I personally know older singles born to (to quote the author) askanim, rabanim, roshei yeshivas, and gvirim. No one should have to deal with this and please don’t make it seems that these singles are lesser than or lacking something.
Does anyone have a suggestion as to how we could put the singles in the driver’s seat so they can feel more control over their own lives? I think it’s very frustrating when a single knows what they need to get married but has no control over the situation because they are at the mercy of the shadchan
Today a bochur asking a girl out without it being pre-arranged by a “shadchan”, either official or amateur, will be considered a complete oisvorf, even if he is a serious ben-Torah. Amolige tzeiten, families coming out of shul on Shabbos or meeting at a wedding, bar-mitzvah or kiddush, would have an idea who’s who and such an introduction could happen easily. I remember a couple from my childhood many years ago that met regularly at shul. They went on to raise a beautiful, Toradig family. Sadly, those times have passed and today there is no possibility of mingling naturally, but in a supervised and appropriate environment. Our shidduchim are heavily reliant on facilitation by others, which means it is often a subjective decision of the shadchan whom he/she deems tzugepast. Or, which parent has brought their yichus, kovid, wallet etc to bear upon the shadchanim’s decisions…
Why should a person feel that they’re at the mercy of a shadchan and if the shadchonim don’t give them attention, they’re doomed? I know of many cases where married siblings/cousins/friends/neighbors were on the lookout for an appropriate shidduch for someone they care about, gave a name to the parents who, after checking it out, found someone to redt the shidduch (preferably someone who knows both sides). I am not a shadchanteh, but I have been privileged to make a few shidduchim that way i.e. parents asking me to suggest a shidduch and I having the zechus to be their shaliach.
A guy commented earlier that the son of the rich guy is also struggling. It’s hard to feel bad for him because in his case it’s usually his mother turning down suggestions left and right.
There are people that are really disadvantaged in the shidduch game and they need to sometimes get creative and work out of the box in an appropriate way. For example, a girl I know who was a really nice person but her family situation was not ideal and she knew shadchanim would ignore her. She was at a vort and spotted one of the Chossons friends that interested her. She was too refined to go over to him directly and knew it would not be acceptable in these circles. But she did ask someone to suggest the shidduch and bh she is married for several years! So. Girls and boys out there! It’s okay to be a bit out of the box especially if the box is not working for you. Do what you need to do and keep it appropriate. When you are happily married it won’t matter how you met. And you will have a fun story to tell your grandchildren!
To the original letter writer.
I think I can fix all your problems very easily.
You complain about shadchanim not responding due to lack of yichus fame and money. You also feel that singles ought to be able to present themselves to the opposite gender without the gatekeeping discretion of the shadchan.
Are these your two main takeaway grievances?
Jwed . Com is a site that allows orthodox singles to do just that. Reach out to each other direct .
Sawyouatsinai.com, is a site where singles do recieve through shadchan , but where yichus and big money have nothing to do with it.
In addition here in the Northeast, there are tons of events where singles ages 25 and older can come and meet directly. I am involved with several of these.
Also , there are many online speeddating venues that you can avail yourselves of.
Did I take care of all you issues here ?
I’m sorry that I find this funny but shouldn’t young men and young women be allowed to date whom they please to.
Moderator please approve this. I would love to hear the answer. I’m confused as to why they cant
Of course they can. Its completely legal. Who’s asking for it ? The boys ? The girls ? both ? None ?
Let them call , or meet tonight. No one can stop it
Long Time Shadchan