I just sent my daughter off to seminary in Eretz Yisroel, and did some introspection.
We are giving ourselves heart attacks by falling into the trap of peer pressure when it comes to sending our children to seminary.
For many families, perhaps they can stretch and somehow make it work for the first daughter. It’s a struggle, but they manage—often at the cost of sleepless nights, new debt, or draining savings that were meant for other needs.
But then comes the second daughter, and the third, and the fourth. By now, it’s not even a question in their minds. They feel entitled to it. After all, “everyone else is going.” Parents who are already under tremendous financial strain suddenly face another $30,000–$35,000 bill, again and again (and that’s probably a conservative estimate).
This has become a cycle that is crippling families. The pressure is not about what’s best for each girl, nor is it about what parents can realistically afford. It’s about the unspoken rule that this is what you do. And heaven forbid a girl should be “the only one” not going. She then becomes a “neb”, and feels it will harm her chances at finding a top boy.
The result? Parents are drowning. Quietly. They don’t want to say no, they don’t want their daughter to feel left out, and they don’t want to be judged by neighbors or friends. So they sign the checks, swipe the credit cards, and swallow the stress. But this is not sustainable, and it’s not healthy—for families, for parents, or even for the girls themselves.
It’s time we face the truth: seminary in Israel is a luxury, not a necessity. A beautiful experience for those who can afford it, yes—but it should never be an unspoken requirement that pushes parents to the brink of financial collapse and Ch”v heart attacks.
As a community, we need to break this cycle. We need to stop letting peer pressure dictate our choices and start thinking about what’s truly best for our families.
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There are so Margiela staying local, she would not be a neb. Kerem is having 150 girls! There’s rabbi Mintz and Magdalena and some new ones. They are full. No reason she has to go to EY. Just say no!
On the other hand, there are MANY sem in EY that charge much less, and with tti it can be very affordable. The local ones cost a pretty penny too.
With TTI the local ones are almost free.
The fact is it’s a social pressure
*Many girls
stop complaining that your falling to the pressure! there will always be pressure when you live amongst a big community. theres 2 options: either move out to a small town where everyone does their own thing or learn how to not fall to the pressure. start with something easy and slowly challenge yourself to go against the tide even when its harder but it makes more sense in your situation i.e. sending to seminary when you cant afford it…
in short Man up and figure yourself out!! like im famously quoted as saying “Fix the world starting with yourself”!!
You’re 100 percent right. There must be a higherarchy of what people can afford and what they can’t. BH I’m chasidish .. it’s not a pressure BH
lucky you!
it’s nuts
Is YOUR tuition paid up for all your children before sending your daughter to sem?
It’s not.
Because it’s not, we can’t ever move on?
Schools take advantage.
Starts with you m’ man. Step up to the plate and tell your daughter no.
Very well written
Well written but the writer’s action don’t match the words.
Should have expressed this thought months ago, not right after the send off.
100% agree. Maybe a 2 week trip packed in to experience EY they will get the benefits without the crazy costs.
I have thought a lot about this as I was practically the only girl in my class who didn’t go to Eretz Yisroel. This was a few decades ago so I’ve had lots of time to think this through.
my older kids are boys but my daughter is seminary age now. She is one of the few girls in her grade who will be attending local seminary. I feel like this is the right thing to do and I hope many more will agree eventually.
my daughter agrees with me and is doing this happily. She is definitely excited to take a trip to Eretz Yisroel for a few weeks but she will be remaining here for the year b”H.
I grew up in Brooklyn where most girls didn’t go to Sem in Israel at the time. Bh we have a bunch of daughters and when it came to the 1st 1 in 12th grade I really had no interest in sending her so my husband whose sisters went to sem in Israel spoke to our rov who said it’s a beautiful experience and we should send her. Frankly I wasn’t too thrilled. Yes it is a beautiful experience but for the rich and those that get grants and pay very little. There is no justification to spending 35k on sem for a girl. So being that we couldn’t afford full price sems we chose sems that would extend a discount and that’s where my daughter’s went. It was cheaper but still a fortune for a family that really couldn’t afford it. Bh it’s behind us but it took us a while to pay up some years since we were also making wedding bh.
There’s honestly no reason girls are going. They belong home and gaining skills and $$$ for the kollel life.
Did your Rov offer to pay for it?
Things have changed.
You can’t compare today to 30 years ago.
While you may think this is a luxury, this is a life changing year for some. My parents may have not been able to afford everything but they sent me to yeshiva in Israel. This changed my life. Yes, it may be hard but this can change them forever for the better
Bigger chance it will change them for the worse
99% of boys gain nothing from going to yeshiva in Israel it’s a waste of money. Keep them here and let them get married.
Yeshiva is much cheaper then Seminary. Not compareable.
Why? You pay for Dira plus tuition.
And that’s after 4 yrs beis medrah.
Not cheaper
Ur life could have changed in America. U just have to want it.
Wow! I can’t believe you thought to bring up this topic. It’s like the scoop was fortunate that you sent this exclusive letter to them. I hope you merit making many people aware of this, I don’t believe this topic has been raised since this past עשק
That’s just nasty
I agree. So much of our lifestyle “musts” are just unnecessary heart attacks in waiting.
I am grateful to my parents for funding my seminary year. So much of who I am as an adult began in that seminary year. And yet, I don’t think I will be sending my own daughters. Because it simply does not make financial sense. Life is so expensive without that over the top expense. Most of us are barely making ends meet with the basics and we do want to be able to marry them off shortly and help them start off with some footing. If we spend 30k on sem in Israel, we will be in debt and only need to borrow more for their future.
It makes me disappointed, knowing that they will not have the beautiful Israel sem year, but there many that have made the mature choice to keep their girls local and then allow them a short stay in Israel for a fraction of the cost. I look forward to hopefully being able to do that as well.
We don’t have to buy into the culture. And the more that don’t, the more normal we will collectively make it.
As long as people send their daughters and do the introspection and letter writing afterwards, there will be no change. Same goes for “Simcha Standards”, people love to complain but when it comes down to it, lack minimal self confidence to do what they really know is right for them and their families.
as a community? I think as an individual person you need to break the cycle of peer pressure and do what works for your family.
Soif kul soif you have to pick who is gonna have a heart attack and who is gonna feel like they lost out even after many years down the line if you can’t afford it then you can’t so then you can’t… just throwing it out there.
You are 100% correct!
It must stop
Maybe another way ttolook at it is the ridiculous amount charged by the seminary. Israeli girls don’t pay that much (about 800 shekel a month x10) i really cannot understand why we should pay 12x more! That’s before the health insurance, the phones etc… and without counting the 600 shekel the seminary receives per each student that holding a visa. Basically before clothing and any other basics we are talking 40k spent by the parents and another 2k grant from the Israeli government. Does it make sense? No it doesn’t! Parents should tell straight to these schools enough is enough. The worst part is when they give you the feeling you won the lottery if they picked you! I had such a conversation with one Menaheles and told her off when she wouldn’t budge from the 32k. Then I told her I won’t rely on an institution that prioritizes tuition over value of the kid. We were picked by all 3 seminars therefore according to them my daughter was top student. You want her? She is an asset for your institution show me how serious and how much you care about your school. If you only care about tuition over quality then I won’t trust you with teaching some Hashkafo to my daughter…
In Israel,the government pays most costs of sem education. Also, there is no dorming there.
Beware….The High school teachers should ask their students what their parents have in mind before planting grand seminary ideas into their heads and getting them excited. Then the parents have a very hard time undoing it and they just go along with it while going into debt.
There are plenty that are staying behind. Its bh not a must anymore. Tell your daughter no.
I am already a senior citizen. I never sent my daughters to seminary, even though it was always the in thing, even 25 years ago, and I am very opposed to my grandchildren, going regardless of the cost, I don’t feel it is a good experience for them. It is total hefkeirus with no real supervision. besides the fact that they all have to go and beg for meals. After paying so much money, they should at least get meals in the seminary that they are attendin And they are much better staying in the United States. and getting a good job. Or getting a degree so they can support a family and the husband is learning full time.
Dear letter writer if you never was mechanech your daughter to buck the trend and do what is right then how when it comes to seminary will you all of suddent explain “mamela you will stay in lakewood because it is the right thing to do, why be so far from us?? Why go there when wonderful seminaries are local? ” It is a lifetime of chinuch . Many are not doing this and
As with everything, it depends on the girl being sent- shouldn’t be a blanket statement. If at 18 they will use the freedom to do stupid irresponsible things, they shouldn’t go. If they would use that same freedom to grow in responsible independence in preparation for marriage, they most definitely should go. Hard to believe that all of your grandchildren fit the same box.
I’m probably one of the few, but I don’t feel the peer pressure of sending my daughters to EY. They are not old enough yet, but I already know they aren’t going far for seminary. As it is I can barely afford my discounted tuition payments. My daughters aren’t even interested in going away for sem, they want to stay home. For the people who are running after what ‘everyone else’ is doing, who are you trying to impress? At the end of the day, will it truly matter? Focus on what is really important!
My kids think I wrote this letter , and the truth , I could’ve , every word u wrote is the emes, I not really sure why I’m sending my daughter and getting myself into debt. Maybe I feel she needs to mature and the longer she’s out in the world the more she’ll go down? So at least we postpone this with the Israel experience
I am finding some of the autocorrect results on this topic very entertaining…but I wanted to add that one thing that tore my kishkes almost every week, was my daughter calling on Tuesday, “Maaa, where can I gooo for Shaaabboos?”BH, my daughter who went a more recently had a much easier experience because the seminaries have greatly improved their Shabbos and Yom Tov arrangements.
Another piece of this equation is the college programs helping girls go to sem on the NYS dime. I have no problem with that in theory, but then you basically have three classes of seminary girls: the ones who are there on full TAP and PELL $ and are not paying tuition, they are only paying for expenses, the ones whose parents have no problem shelling out the tuition plus expenses, and everyone in the middle whose parents are going into serious hock to send them to Israel and then are taking from gemach after gemach to marry them off a year later.
What is the difference between bochurim going to learn in Yeshivos in Eretz Yisroel and girls going to seminary in Eretz Yisroel? Is it just the price difference?
They’re both expensive and a waste of time.
Maybe boys need more independence at that age because they are already 21-22. Oh wait, maybe they could just get married…!
Putting aside the tuition, consider that fact that your daughter will be spending around 9 months breathing in the Kedusha of Eretz Yisroel, absorbing the atmosphere of Tefilah and Mesirus Nefesh for Mitzvos instead of shopping in the malls every Sunday. Then when she marries a boy from Brisk who wants to learn in Eretz Yisroel, she already has a head start. It’s an investment for your daughter’s future marriage and chinuch of her family. If your daughter absorbs all of this in her own home, then indeed there is no need to send her 3,000 miles away for $30,000. But many girls will have a better start at entering the working world with a solid foundation of Kedusha which they might not otherwise experience in America. A girl who has davened by the Kosel for months and entered into home where the walls are permeating with Torah and Hachnosas Orchim will be more likely to live a life of simplicity and Torah since seeing it first hand. You’re spending a lot now but saving more in the long run… it’s an investment. Like any investment, it’s usually with extra money you have sitting around…
You obviously do not know what goes on in Israel. You’re comment is so far from reality and so naive that I really hope you don’t actually believe what you wrote. No girl who goes to isreal has a head start they’re spending their time partying and shopping a lot more then if they would be in America. I’m not sure why the goal is marry someone who went to brisk.
“It’s important to be honest: the crushing financial pressures in our community are not just about seminary costs. Seminary is one piece, but the real picture includes weddings, tuition, housing, simchas, and the endless expectations that keep piling up. Families are under such strain that it affects shalom bayis, health, and even our ability to focus on avodas Hashem. We are literally working ourselves to exhaustion, living in denial about a system that is unsustainable. If we care about our families and our future, we need to start asking hard questions and finding realistic, modest solutions — not just for seminary, but across the board.”
This letter is the same that gets out every year from parents who are still sending kids to Israel. Loads of good ideas but it stops there and you are the living proof.you started your letter that way
It is a business a thriving one which will stop when people stop sending.
This is a huge issue and one that is tied to the tuition issue.
somehow those in the chinuch world who set these fees assume if parents value something enough the funds can be found no matter how high.
for those that get onto programs and grants and then brakes maybe they can. But for those of us working full time paying health care and mortgage and basic food and utilities how oh how can we pay 30,000 for one girl for one year!!
even if we think it’s a great experience we just don’t have it.
once again, it’s not like there are cheaper options.
the boys cost a fraction to go away to Eretz Yisroel to yeshivas but girls cost 30,000!!
it’s time the people setting these costs to understand that it’s not a value issue it’s purely a numbers game and so so many of us simply can’t afford it because it’s rich prices.
Also to top it off, all seminaries seem to take $175-$250 application fee that is not refunded even if you don’t get accepted, and you must apply to a minimum of 3 seminaries.
very nice post …..but when it comes to shidduchim….the ugly truth is that the question why didi she not go to ey is a qustion that blocks shiduchim stupid but true
I know a girl who didnt go to seminary. Got engaged a few months after high school. Typical litvish. So maybe its not a bad idea to skip seminary all together and get a head starts in shidduchim before your friends.
I never went to seminary in Israel however I did go to another seminary out of the country. I definitely think it’s crazy for parents to go into debt for something that isn’t 100% necessary but before you cut back on a year of growth from your kids maybe first see if there is something else you can cut back on. How expensive are your kids’ clothing? Shoes? Coats? How much will you spend on their wedding to impress the world? If you are truly living according to your finances then you are right not to send them to seminary, but if you’re spending is out of bounds everywhere else don’t first cut back on a year of potential learning and growth.
a pledge of 2000, a month after she comes back from sem to get a shadchan to even look at her will certainly get your heart pumping