Attention singles in Lakewood and beyond,
I wanted to share a personal story with you that I hope will inspire and encourage those still searching for their bashert. About 10 years ago, when I was 22, I dated someone special. At the time, we apparently weren’t right for each other, and we made the decision to end the relationship.
Fast forward to age 33, we reconnected, and this time, everything felt different. We got married a year ago, and I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier. What changed? I believe it was simply a matter of maturity and perspective.
When we’re young, we often have unrealistic expectations about what a perfect shidduch should be. We think we’ll find someone who checks every box on our list, and that our relationship will be effortless. But the truth is, no one is perfect, and no relationship is without its challenges.
If I had known then what I know now, I might have made a different decision. I might have looked beyond the superficial and seen the potential for growth and love. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help others avoid the same mistake.
To all the singles out there in Lakewood and beyond, I urge you to keep things in perspective. Don’t wait for someone who seems perfect on paper. Look for someone with a good heart, shared values, and a willingness to grow together.
It’s not about checking every box on your list. If more of us approached shidduchim with this mindset, I believe we would see many more happy couples building a life together.
Hatzlacha.
Signed, a happy husband.
TLS welcomes your letters by submitting them to [email protected]
Wow no one cares
how does such a vile comment get through the moderaters?
Seriously right? How does such a gross comment even occur to a normal person. Anonymous why would you respond like that I really would love to know
How was the vodka at the wedding?
🙂
Finally some sechel in the total sea of insanity that is otherwise known as “the shidduch crisis”. TLS I dare you to let my comment through. If you block it it shows how agenda driven you are. If you let it in it shows a degree of honesty
THERE IS NO SHIDDUCH CRISIS
Hashem already setup your sons and everyone else’s son/daughter zivug 40 days before they were even born. Forget about the fact that now they are holding at around 20 or so years later since they were born. Hashem has their zivug waiting for them and can send it to your son/daughter immediately but is just waiting for each person involved in shidduchim to do their RUCHNIUS hishtadlus of Bitachon and Emunah(faith and trust in Hashem) together with Tefillos/Prayers.
Mrs. Seminary girl,/Mr. Learning/working boy Are YOU doing your RUCHNIUS hishtadlus? Not just your gashmius hishtadlus of dating and speaking to shadchanim etc….?
Start turning directly to Hashem for help in all your needs, especially shidduchim that they say is a bigger miracle than the splitting of the Yam suf.
Why are we not putting our faith and trust directly in our loving father, king of kings, ruler of the world Hashem? Especially when we all know the truth that Hashem has everything down to every person’s breath and penny of income already decreed since Rosh Hashanah for the entire upcoming year?
Of course we need to do our Hishtadlus but the ultimate secret for success in our needs is to turn Directly to the source Hashem for help in anything. as we say in bentching from Tehillim “ודורשי ה לא יחסרו כל טוב” i.e. for one who seeks out Hashem directly lacks nothing that is good.
Bashert only works if you accept your bashert when they are redt to you. Most people today aren’t looking for their bashert, rather someone who checks boxes that are man made. The only boxes that matter are the ones from HASHEM.
yes, every boy has a Bashert #1, and if he drops her for any stupid reason he can find Bashert #2, and if she doesn’t pass then he has Bashert #3,4,5,6,7 etc. and he can keep playing musical chairs until he decides to stop the music.
BUT there are not enough boys for every girl to even find Bashert #1!!!
there just simply are not enough boys for all the girls out there.
wake up! do the math! the numbers are available! the only solution is to end the restrictions which were put in place a few decades ago.
would you say every agunah needs to work on “ruchniyus”??? when you and your friends created this mess with your minimum age requirements, dating restrictions, and general market schemes?!
If so , why do most rejections after a 1st date come from the girl’s?
The poor girls disagree with you.
Or parnasa crisis! Etc. etc.
wow, love this letter.
I dated 8 years ago, and BH married the first girl i dated. I had no list going in of what i “wanted in a wife”. Just what my goals where as a Ben Torah.
How was i comfortable doing that? I really wasn’t “sure”!?
Someone i met had made a very strong impression on me.
This person, who had already been married for over 20 years and had married chidren BH told me, that he had dated 119 girls!
He kept going from candidate to candidate feeling he was having such a hard time finding “the one”.
Finally, after meeting his 119th match, he realized this was his bashert! what was different?
His mindset!
As he explained to me, everyone he dated it was “why her”, is she the one? then he realized, he needs to ask “why not her”!
Obviously you can say those words and not understand the meaning of this story.
The reality unfortunately is though, that we walk around looking for people like a customer in Hava Java, more froth, less whip, another dollop of hazelnut, with all the “qualities” we seek.
When I dated I did not know what i wanted my wife to look like, i knew what i wanted my life to look like. If people have preconceived ideas and ideals, might as well date a 3D printer!
In my belief, its all simply running after the judaized version of a very ugly concept. The term “bashert” has lost all meaning and become a stand in for “my true love”.
And we all know how silly THAT is.
The term “bashert” has become the dating version of “nisht oif shabbos gerredt, but is your car still available”?!
Rabboisai, there are wonderful girls out there, There are wonderful Bachurim out there. Stop worrying about if he was picked in the first round of the Brisk Bachurs Basketball league draft, or if she was valedictorian, or at least the one who delivered the valedictorians almond shake during “production”, and we”ll be fine.
Be”ezras Hashem
Very meaningful comment
Wow. What a horrible letter. Go ahead, blame it on the girls. Or boys.
I have 3 married children and one still looking. Every time they said no it had nothing to do with “mindset” or checking off boxes.
It’s because it was No Shaychus. Period.
For you to put everyone down and say, oh, you’ll find someone if you change your mindset, is a gross misunderstatement of a huge, HUGE, problem in Klal Yisroel.
May all the singles find their bashert B’Karov Mamesh.
the letter writer was not saying anything that you are putting in his mouth (pen?) Nobody would ever say that ALL shidduchim that are turned down are because of mindset. He was just saying that this is what happened in his situation.
I think Hashem got insulted. You are calling Hashem’s child “horrible “.
Actually you are calling the letter “horrible “.
Everything said above is true but to minimize the issue that there are simply not enough guys for the girls due to marrying at significantly different ages is being disingenuous. This is the cause of the entires issue and until this is resolved you can be as picky or as not picky as you want but there are not simply enough to go around
I disagree.
And while i reserve judgement, because apparently some Gedolim DO say there is a shidduch crises, and my opinion is moot in light of theirs, i DO still question the accuracy of those reports.
There is a real organization which takes data on the frum community, they have been featured in AMI magazine a few times, and according to them, there is NOT a number discrepancy. They difference in ages found in schools is offset by the general ratio of male to female births, etc.
Amazing how even after such a letter where we see before our very eyes how many different causes there are that keep people single and yet people still want to point fingers at other people. It’s all the boys fault. Sure.
We Need more Full time Paid shadchonim
More than shadchanim we need hadracha. Not necessarily from parents or past rabbeim but from a respected experienced 3rd party who gets to know us and we follow their advice or at least hear them out.
[I actually think it would be a great idea to implement some sort of mashgiach system at the elementary school level like in yeshiva gedolah (with proper guidelines of course) to get children used to sharing what is going on in their lives and help them to make decisions, but I understand that this would consritute a monumental change in chinuch.]
Stop it you guys…
It was a nice letter.
He’s just saying something that’s interesting that happened to him that might happen to you and it’s not unthinkable for the same person to evolve later.
A new avenue you may have not thought of happened to him. And he suffered too, so it seems, so he can bring it out and talk about the fact that it’s not a fairy tale but could happen.
It’s a very nice story but your mentioning a number of times about not needing to check all the boxes fell flat a little with the readership here on TLS. Perhaps it would have made more sense to have told it to R’ Yoel Gold and he could have made it into a production or even R’ Henoch Teller and he could have made a 300 page book on this story …with a sequel..
It’s such a sweet letter
Why is it being bashed from all angles?
I agree that there is definitely a place to revisit a Shidduch that was previously rejected.
There is obviously some complication with trying to revisit if you were the one rejected.
Most importantly, can we leave the guilt trip of “if I knew then what I know now…” out? You each had ten years in which you grew as humans and ovdei Hashem. You may well have been incompatible ten years ago. Leave the past behind and celebrate the present!
I wish you much Mazel and Brocha.
It baffles me that so many are bashing the letter. It’s a very good lesson learnt and he’s just trying to share it with others. Let’s take it easy here…
It’s a great later. It’s a big shame on those who write their insensitive comments. Message to those- if you don’t agree with the writer, you don’t have to. But keep your negative remarks to yourself and let others benefit.
It’s a great letter. It’s a big shame on those who write their insensitive comments. Message to those- if you don’t agree with the writer, you don’t have to. But keep your negative remarks to yourself and let others benefit.
I’m a shadchan. And everything he said is true. People are unrealistic with expectations (sometimes) and in order to get to date number one there are often many many checkboxes, I doubt that’s what Hashem wants
We live in a world of perfectionism and it’s creeped into shidduchim, or so it seems. For the girls they want x personality with specific yeshivas with specific family prototype. For the boys it’s pictures, pictures (did I say analyzing pictures?) and $ and x amt of years to learn not more and not less
Sorry it’s to the point of being ridiculous
Very true.
But need to add on the girls side: , “want a cute guy” as well.
and if she’s already open to working guy ,
then: “professional, college degree” only.
Now you have the whole picture.
To the letter writer: I’m assuming that you dated many girls, and likely even said “no” to many of them over your 10 years of dating.
How many of these girls would you have said “yes” to 10 years later?
Not a very smart question. Obviously a man can only marry one woman (these days). So the point is that he may have said no 10 yrs ago a little too hasty and he’s on the money. He’s not saying that he could’ve married anyone
Unimportant. In part, because he didn’t date all again 10 years later.
He’s not blaming anyone. He’s just suggesting that people should be open minded.
they should follow daas Torah and not be caught up in gashmiyus and looks.
There can’t be a unanimous Daas Torah for all as to what every one needs in a Shidduch. Reality is that we are all different, and what is best for one person won’t be right for someone else. Thus each person needs to be open and honest with his Rebbe or Moreh Derech as to where they are holding in life and what they need in marriage.
in the heim, in the shtetl when people were more pure and connected to Yiddishkeit and not caring about gashmiyus, people were set up and after 1 date were married and they were happy, my zayda said his “date” with my bubba consisted of meeting her in her parents house and then taking a walk similar to the Hasidish bshow but more pure, we need to go back to a simpler time.
The original letter was pretty harmless and healthy food for thought .
Everything depends on the reality of that situation.
Can’t ever draw broad conclusions to all scenarios.
I know a few ppl personally who are married to someone they said no to years before because they didn’t fit their picture of the perfect one.