I am a single 25-year-old girl and I’m disturbed by these letters, including the headlines.
There is no shidduch crisis. Hashem is in control and he knows what’s best for each and every person. He will send each one their right one at the right time.
Let’s please all work on being nice to people instead, and focus on treating singles in a way that doesn’t make us feel like a “case” or “crisis.”
The term Crisis means that something is out of control. Let’s remember, it’s all in Hashems hands. Please change these headlines to something more sensitive. Would we put up headlines that there’s an infertility crisis? Never. That’s wouldn’t be sensitive.
I’m writing this from my heart: please be sensitive.
Thank you.
TLS welcomes your letters by submitting them to letters@thelakewoodscoop.com
The rabbanim don’t agree with this obviously. Everything is in hashems hand but it doesn’t mean you don’t have to do your part first.
Which Rabbanim are you referring to exactly?
There are many, many, prominent Rabbanim who abhor the hype and hysteria about this issue and will tell you something similar to what the letter says.
Rav Elyashiv among others.
The point of Hashem being in control is misleading. Much like a miser not giving Tzedaka because HaShem is in Control !
names please of the “many, many, prominent rabbanim” who believe that this is not an issue and we should just let things continue as is?
Yes we need to do our part first. Everyone beats around the bush and doesn’t tell it as is and therefore some girls and guys don’t know how they can be a better chap. I hate to say this but food is a total addiction in this town and food places are the hangouts. Not only that we encourage endless eating of processed unhealthy foods all day long. I see guys in one yeshiva eat portions which could feed 3 people easy. Its menuvel to eat so much!! Most the takeout food is such trash and this is what most youth are eating multiple times a week. Drinking slurpies, sugary drinks, donuts, noshing all day, feeding candy and garbage snacks to the kids in cheder non stop and then you wonder why so many boys and girls don’t look healthy. Be whatever you want to be, you are accepted and loved for who you are, but don’t think without looking healthy and put together a girl or a guy is going to run after you. We have to remember to some extent you definitely are what you eat! Just my opinion take it or leave it
I am the writer of this letter https://thelakewoodscoop.com/news/letter-a-broken-bas-yisroel/
Let me assure you: there IS a major, major problem with the amount of singles around. If you don’t like the term “crisis” feel free to call it whatever you’d like; “shidduch nisayon” “emunah crisis” etc. But there is a tremendous issue with girls unable to find their zivugim.
There are “natural” causes for this tzara, be it the age gap, freezer, seminary, school system or whatever else you believe in. Obviously Hashem is the only One who can ultimately marry off every single, but each individual in Klal Yisroel has the responsibility to answer, “Yadeinu lo shafchu es hadam hazeh.”
Clarification: By “natural” I mean natural reactions of human actions.
too right! all we have to do to get married is open our mind and our hearts. try matches between Litvishe and Chassidishe 🙂
My children have been complaining because there’s no food in the house and they haven’t eaten in 2 days.
They begged & pleaded, “Tatty please let’s go to the store to buy food.”
I said, “Kinderlach, it’s all in Hashems hands. If he wants us to eat he will provide.”
You cannot compare purchasing food to marriage which is a life commitment. You cant FORCE a match. You cant SHOP for a match the same you do with food. That is so unfair to compare that. This girl has asked you to be sensitive. Respect goes a long way.
Wrong. Everything requires hishtadlus. No different than sitting and learning. You can’t sit down in a shul, not open a sefer and complain how come I haven’t completed shas. First try doing something positive, say some tehilim, then you can blame hashem. But sitting around and doing nothing, isn’t a solution.
Actually the Brisker Rav said that Shiduchim is Totaly from HaShem – No need to do any Hishtadlis!
He then said if you want to say Tehilim to calm your nerves you can But no amount of Hishtadlus is necessary!
Don’t forget the Hatfields and the McCoys, too.
Great idea however everytime I try to get them to go on a date it barely ever happens
The time has come for every community to pay full time shadchanim !
Most main stream shadchanim are 24/7/365. Just because you don’t know any of them personally doesn’t give you a right to criticize them for not trying. I know some of them personally, they never see their families for more than a few minutes a day, aside for shabbos and yom tov. Their lives are given to the tzibur.
Dont be too overly concerned about the wellbeing of these shadchanim…yes! they work hard but they’re making plenty of money. These shadchanim get paid for shidduchim they made, they get paid for the ones they pushed when another shadchan was involved. They get paid for saying a good word to either side when shidduch is in process and mentioned by another shadchan. And they get reminder money along the way with notes ‘hi don’t forget about my daughter … we didn’t hear from you in the last few months… just a token of appreciation for all your efforts’
They make out very well so let’s not be too overly concerned ..
Don’t be a motzi shem ra on shadchonim.
I am not an official shadchanteh but I care and have been zocheh to be Hashem’s shaliach in a few shidduchim. I also try to help whenever I can even when I don’t play the role of shadchan. Shadchonus gelt is only when a shadchan makes a shidduch either as the one who suggests it or the go-between with the dates (feering the shidduch) and if he/she did only one part if it, the total gets divided. Otherwise, no one gets anything for pushing, saying a good word, or anything else. I will never get paid monetarily for most of my efforts other than the ones which ended in a mazel tov, but I have no doubt that when my time comes to give a Heavenly din v’cheshbon, my efforts will count.
I am not an exception. With shadchonus gelt, you don’t get paid for effort; you get paid for results. If you’ve heard of a case or two otherwise, it is not the norm.
I agree with the insensitivity of the word crisis as it does imply out of control as stated. But to say that its ok that girls don’t have whom to marry because Hashem is in charge is a lack of Hishtadlus.
There’s clearly a problem and it should be dealt with. Otherwise we’re relying on nissim which is not allowed al pi torah. When the yidden were in suffering in Mitzrayim Moshe Rabeinu didn’t just say “Hashem is in control” he did something about it. When yosef saw the famine coming, he did something about it etc.
Brilliant !
Way to boost the Divorce Crisis !
Beautifully worded. You are not a “case” or crisis. If your heart is in Hashem, trust your heart.
1000% correct. Finally someone got it right
you can look at the problem in 100 different ways.
another issue that people seem to avoid is the stubbornest to date a certain type or a certain family, money….
I’m not saying this is the core issue, but its definitely also a big problem.
end of the day each person needs to be the solution for themselves and by realizing its all ‘yad hashem’
Correct many more would be married if they would only agree to get to first base by agreeing to go on a date and not only look at resumes etc ..
Yup spot on!! I also think that while a person has to be careful to do info beforehand and looking into a match properly bc who knows whats out there people started making each prospective idea into an fbi investigation searching for endless red flags. Not everyone had a simple and straightforward journey to get to the place they are today. So sometimes by the time the girl is ready to go out, a person can feel sick to their stomach to even want to meet the person, seeing how insensitively they did information etc…
I have a friend who comes from a broken home. I know firsthand this bochur is a top bochur and stellar middos and tremendous doer of chesed. For a couple years no one would date him because of the family issues. Then came a girl who decided she will overlook the family things and focus on him and give him a chance, she met him and saw what a fine guy he is and they ended up getting engaged and living happily ever after…
Lesson we need to learn is that Resumes tell 1% of the story, no one has to marry a person they dont want but just meet the person and see esp if you haven’t been receiving many ideas
You’ve sadly been brainwashed to think that Hashem doesn’t give us bechirah to do his rotzon. Hashem’s rotzon as told to us by Chazal is that Bnos Yisroel should be gettting married when they are of the appropriate age. Shidduch Crisis doesn’t mean out of control, it means go do something to save bnos Yisroel from the terrible consequences of the status quo. Doing nothing & expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity. Klal Yisroel collectively has the Bechirah to do something about this which will hopefully Bezras Hashem lead more Bnos Yisroel to the Chuppah.
As an aside: My Rov (In Lakewood) is a well respected Marbitz Torah for many years has told me personnaly that there are dangerous ideas about bitochon being spread around by well meaning people. Most people are not on the madreiga to live by these levels of bitochon & they are harming themselves by listening & trying to live by them. His talmid’s wife suffered a mental episode after crashing from her Bitochon “high”. Please use caution before blaming everything on Hashem & avoiding the proper hishtadlus in your life.
Spot on !
If we would’ve spent all the hours reading these letters and instead worked on one shidduch, we probably could’ve made 500 matches, don’t ya think?
you have a shidduch for a 27 yr old girl? where? you should instead try to make sure that the current 19 yr olds who don’t realize how wicked the system can become, should all find boys and get married and be happy.
The prolifiration of the word “crisis” along side the word “shidduch” has put major pressure on the girls , and has created an enviroment of panic for any girl over 21. It has also served to demoralize the girls and bring them down emotionally.
This mass hysteria has also caused a clog-up in the system where there is a huge pile-up of resumes and bios and suggestions on the boys side , for fear they will be left single . This was not so when I was dating 20 years ago because a 21 year old girl was not going hysterical then like she is today.
Whoever is responsible for all this will pay a heavy price for it.
nice, but… isn’t that 21 yr old from 20 yrs ago still single? isn’t that exactly the point? back then people dismissed it as isolated cases but today there is an aggregate of girls who have nowhere to turn to, so they can try to ignore the situation and that may be the way to make them comfortable but that will not help the other thousands who are continually pouring out of seminary each year straight in to this cone shaped storm where the number of girls who are finishing seminary right now is far greater than the number of boys available for those same girls. and we already have disastrous results from the past 20 yrs.
so we can daven for one individual to find their bashert, but how can one daven for 1000 girls to get married to 300 boys? isn’t that like a tefilas shov?
all the girls together should daven for each other that the system should change, right now the girls are getting shortchanged.
20 years ago the problem was nowhere as serious as it is today, that’s why there was no mass hysteria. Actually, we need people to wake up & be aware of the magnitude of the problem. It’s only because people are becoming agitated about it that the powers to be are finally taking notice. It’s in the interest of the girls to make a big commotion about this despite the discomfort they are feeling because this is the only way to change the system. We need to raise a ruckus until those in charge finally get the message that something needs to be done. Your nonsensical comments downplaying the problem isn’t helping anyone.
In response to the letter written to TLS on Thursday, in which the wording “Shidduch Crisis” was criticized, a talmid of BMG told reporters on Thursday that the word “Freezer” should be terminated from the Yeshiva vocabulary.
“I am currently in the so called ‘Freezer'”, the talmid asserted, “but please tell me, am I a frozen piece of meat, or a frozen slice of pizza, that needs to be frozen until the time of consumption?!”
“I’m sorry,” the bachur added, “I am not a frozen piece of food or a frozen sub-human being, I’m a Varm’e bachur! In fact, I’m about as varm as they come!”
“So please stop calling this phase in a bachur’s life ‘The Freezer'”, he said, “and start using a nicer and more appropriate name to describe it. Call it, instead, the ‘Isolation Booth’ or the ‘Quarantine Box’!”
Shortly after the bachur made his suggestion to reporters, a delegation of askanim announced that they were traveling to Israel to meet and to discuss “the Isolation booth and Quarantine box dilemma.”
There sure is a major issue of finding shidduchim and it is totally a self inflicted issue unfortunately caused by people refusing to listen to hashem. Hashem told us when to start dating and we have gone against him and therefore we caused this issue. Please don’t blame Hashem. Just change your ways. Another thing to have in mind on tisha bav. That is the only solution Al pi derech hateva. If the numbers don’t match it makes it very difficult to expect Hashem to do open nissim. Still waiting and hoping for a positive change from that meeting in Israel. Any updates?
I got married at 27 so I know what it’s like to be an older single (girl) in pain. But I still feel your mistaken about the situation. It is a crisis regardless of your Emunah. Do you also feel the divorce rate is not a crisis? Do you feel the OTD rate is not a crisis? No one is calling you a crisis Chas veshalom. Times have changed and these are all things that need to be fixed within our communities. And I strongly feel internet and social media are the root cause of many of these problems. Which is perhaps the biggest crisis of all. And yet we are all guilty.
We can certainly daven
The individual girls and boys should have bitachon. As a community we need to fix the obvious problem, which is more girls than boys primarily due to age gap. All other problems, like picky boys are caused by this basic supply and demand issue. Just to reiterate, boys marrying younger may help for the future, but the only derech hateva solution is to put the girls in a freezer for 4 years. Difficult to implement? Yes. More difficult than starting Bais Yaakov? We need a modern-day Sarah Schenirer to save the girls from themselves
The letter writer is clueless. The chassidim don’t have this issue that there are hundreds/thousands of older girls and neither is there such an issue in Eretz Yisroel.
If the issue primarily exists among us here in communities like Lakewood, it stands to reason that it is the result of our system of shidduchim and our approach to it, which apparently, its failing big time, as evidenced by the ridiculous amount of older single girls and therefore – YES! IT IS A CRISIS AND ITS ABOUT TIME WE WAKE UP AND FIX IT !!!!!
I agree 100 percent, there is no crisis. Girls like this, who think it is all in His hands and that they should never date and the fact that even if they would want to date there are zero boys shayach for them and Hashem should bring their zivug into being yeish ma’yin and bring him to her despite her zero effort other than demanding Him to do everything, should never get married and Hashem doesn’t want her to either, thus no issue, problem, crisis at all.
The root of the “crisis” is actually a Mesivta crisis! I have seen the data from some shadchanim. The amount of great and good bachurim coming out of every shiur does not match the amount of good girls.
For every 30 High School boys (in the mainstream Mesivtas) there are 16-18 boys that will come out as learning boys.
On the flip side, for every 30 HS Girls the stats are 22-25 will want a learning boy.
Thats the real issue!! starting school earlier will not solve this.
Every other school system has a system in place to regulate if they are not producing, the Mesivta system is a free for all.
If you doubt me, do your homework or just open your eyes!!!
I totally agree. The “crisis” is not that there aren’t enough “boys”, but that there arent enough “good boys”. And that the girls and their parents are way too picky. There are hundreds if not thousands of boys on the shidduch market of all ages, don’t no one tell me there aren’t frum males to marry to. There just isn’t enough boys who are the right type, farfrumt enough, who will learn for life and will become the next Rosh Yeshiva.
And will you believe its us parents who are contributing to this by spending $30k money we don’t have on seminary to brainwash our daughters that they have to marry a Gadol Hador? This system is insane!! Rather save the money for their wedding and let them work an extra year instead
I’m not sure what people aren’t getting here.
The headline was just meant as an attention grabber.
That may be bold and misleading, but it definitely worked! The point of this letter was asking if people could be more sensitive about the way they talk about it. Why is everyone going after the headline and ignoring what the actual letter was about?
Thank you for understanding. You seem to be the only one that understands what the point of my letter is.
Please, just be sensitive. These SHIDDUCH CRISIS headlines are enough.
When we all start being more respectful and caring and sensitive to others dignity, I hope that will bring about each persons yeshua.
I am the letter writer. I just want to add a point that I seemed to have missed, based on the many comments.
Of course we need to do hishtadlus and do whatever we can to get our singles married, myself included.
However, we cannot forget that it’s all coming from Hashem. He has a plan that is perfect for each person who is affected by this reality.
The reason why I feel I can say this is because I myself am struggling with this challenge. I am not an outsider saying ‘eh just trust hashem and you’ll be ok’. Of course hashem requires we do our part. But we cannot forget that there’s a master plan.
And just to reiterate, the term Crisis doesn’t do anything to make us singles feel any better about the enormous challenges we face daily. Lastly, just a gentle reminder that we are humans with feelings and we all want you to treat us with respect and dignity.
Someone who is extremely involved in helping people with shiduchim, said “Come tell me there is a crisis when your have only 20 older boys left that aren’t married and 100s of girls in the same age group that aren’t married. Right now there are many 100s if not more boys over the age of 30 who aren’t married. If you make shidduchim for all that’s boys and girls then maybe you’ll find there isn’t really a crisis!”
Someone who is extremely involved in helping people with shiduchim, said “Come tell me there is a crisis when your have only 20 older boys left that aren’t married and 100s of girls in the same age group that aren’t married. Right now there are many 100s if not more boys over the age of 30 who aren’t married. If you make shidduchim for all those boys and girls then maybe you’ll find there isn’t really a crisis!”
Girls who are saying there’s a shiddich crisis because there aren’t enough guys around or because they’re being picky etc… I have some news for you. As a 28 year old single guy, I am one of the many men who are desperate to get married. I have met countless of shadchanim and made it clear I am open to dating any type of girls, divorced or widowed, converts and so on. With or without kids. And not one of the girls I’ve been interested in wants to go out with any of us. Who’s being picky here? Who is causing the shidduch crisis?
When did this crisis start? It started when people forgot how to think on their own. Nowadays we need to speak to ten different people before we go out with a girl I gotta speak to my Rebbi my parents my friends why can’t we see something and decide if it looks right. When did Shidduchim start? It must be a newer invention people used to know other girls and then realize that they were comfortable marrying that person. If there would be no Shidduchim there would be no crisis.
the first Shadchan was the Ribbono Shel Olam who brought Chava to Adam, and that is how it has been ever since, Eliezer helped Yitzchok, Lavan discussed with Yaakov, Yisro with Moshe, and so on, we are not looking to change our mesorah, just that the idea of a “cooling status” which has wreaked havoc on the mindset of those young men who need hadracha like you need ice out of the freezer on a cold day, these few months coming just after a few extra years, is not congruent with our core values as Jews, how much more so when it is really really hurting girls, really really badly.
Call it what you want. Has any solutions been implemented by any yeshivas yet to address it? Anyone with an update?
It’s a peer pressure crisis. Nowadays people are not dating for what is good for them, but what looks good for them. Deep thought.
Why wasn’t there a Shidduch crisis in the DP camps? Because they weren’t comparing themselves to others. They weren’t busy matching up family types. They were focused on the goal of marriage. They wanted a partner in life. They wanted a family.
why is the subject of finances not being addressed
are more shidduchim turned down because the girls family can not give the amounts required or the age issue???
many girls do not get dates at age 19 because of the dollar requirement and therefore become an “older ” single
again end result eventually there are not more poorer girls unmarried but finances does prevent many many dates
how will going out younger help
people may start to ask for more money saying the boy is young…
please discuss how this is being addressed with gedolim when talking about going to EY earlier or cutting down a year of yeshiva etc…
Nobody’s asking to have finances addressed.