My lovely 14 year old is going to high school this year. Let’s put aside the drama and trauma of getting into an appropriate school in Lakewood. Let’s talk about a new subject: Intro to brand name obsession aka gross materialism aka conspicuous consumption.
First, I would need to give a little background. My husband and I are both well put together and have respectable and lucrative occupations. Neither of our parents were in the position financially to help us buy a home, etc, they both worked hard and supported us during the first kollel year, after which we basically worked hard and of course solely through Hashem’s hand were fortunate enough to build a beautiful home. I am a creative person and a good shopper, I would definitely say my kids are well dressed and up to date. We are fortunate enough to be able to send our kids to camp and day camp, do fun things on summer weekends, and take a family trip every year between camp and school. In the winter, the girls get to do Sunday clubs. Long story short, they’re pretty lucky kids, it ain’t too bad!
Let’s continue this with my oldest child hitting 8th grade and where the “everybody has it” demands start. She’s dying for a Tiffany bracelet, “eeeeeverybody” has it. Price tag ballpark $700. We put a lot of thought into it, and decided after the stress of getting into high school, it’s a classic piece of jewelry and appropriate for graduation. Check the box. Are we done? Naaah, we’re just getting started! Before camp, another astronomical fee for another discussion, she needs an Aviator Nation sweatshirt, you guessed it, “eeeeeveryone has it!” Price tag for this washed out piece of junk? About $180. Oh My G-d. This is insane!!!!!!! I had a brainstorm and asked her aunts to pay towards the price for a graduation gift, and indeed she wore that thing for a month straight. Oh, and sadly after looking around me and noticing, I see she was right that eeeeeeveryone had one.
Which brings me to now, the week before high school starts, and she broaches the topic of a new backpack…….She’s smart enough to hesitate at least before she asks. So we have a Kipling backpack in great condition, but she says the girls have mini backpacks. So I kindly offer her to look for a backpack on Amazon and show me what she would like. Here it goes…Marc Jacobs backpack that costs $160. To be purchased in September, one of the most expensive months in a frum Jewish household. At which point I launched into a very long, very eloquent speech, if I do say so myself, about how insane that is, etc. And point blank no, Totty and I will not be buying her a backpack for $160 ever. She’s a master debater, she points out that it can last her all 4 years of high school, to which her mother, from whom she got those great debating genes points out that a $30 Target backpack can also last 4 years….and then we have waterworks and brokenhearted sobbing.
Now let me get on my soapbox and share my speech:
How low have we fallen as a society, that this is the norm! How do I know this is the norm? This is what she sees girls walking around with. She swears that every girl in Bais Shaindel, Shiras Devorah, Bais Yaakov has such a backpack. Let’s do some “everybody” math and say that only half or a third of the girls have it. That’s too much! I promised her that if I had 10 million in the bank right now, I still would not buy her a backpack with that price tag. How sad that this is even a thing that she thinks is normal??? At what point will we, the parents, stop obsessing over this current chinuch obsession with making sure our kids fit in and just say ENOUGH!!! The high schools seem to be doing their best to calm down the brand name insanity, but the reality is that this is the parents job. Before we buy something for our teens, how can we not take a moment and think about how this will affect the people around us????? I refuse to be the one setting and keeping up with these unattainable standards, so that the next set of parents who are getting tzedakah money to keep their home out of foreclosure and pay the grocery and tuition bills are pressured by their desperate teen to buy a $160 backpack. Where does this road lead? I’ll tell you, it leads to $700 moose knuckles coats and $1000 Chanel shoes out of school, and a forlorn brand name and “thing” obsessed society, and miserable marriages with spoiled spouses killing themselves and their marriages to “keep up”. And you know, you will never “keep up”. The trends change faster than you can click “complete purchase” on your shopping cart.
She also told me how the thing for the counselors in camp to do was buy matching T shirts from Shein, 30 tees about so they had a new one for every day, and then they dumped them and had a normal wardrobe for second half when they were home. Is this verified information? No. But again, just the concept alone is enough! How about the daycamp swag? I truly am not personally knocking the many responsible, hardworking, wonderful day camp directors in Lakewood. It seems to be a situation out of their control. But what are we teaching our children about stuff and their value? Everything is disposable. Things are all breakable and replaceable. 98% of it ends up in the garbage anyway, because who has room to store all this stuff? What would our Holocaust surviving grandparents, most of whom are not in this world anymore, say if they would see the mass Bal Tashchis that goes on? Bal Tashchis is just not a thing anymore, it’s whatever. I’m not a social rights activist, but how many hours of human and probably child labor in China goes into the making of the disposable Shein T shirts and branded camp swag that we buy to just dump it right into the garbage? How terribly sad is it that my children will never experience the joy of getting a new toy or a prize that I got to experience as a child simply because they are so inundated with stuff, unlike me, a child of the 90’s?
I’m done ranting. I just want to say this. When I was discussing high school applications with my daughter’s elementary school principal and the topic of brand names and materialism came up, she told me to basically not consider this because it’s everywhere, in every single Lakewood high school, from the most easygoing and liberal high schools, to the most Yeshivish. And so, I will say to every parent reading this: Do everyone a favor and learn to say “no” to your child. The school can’t do it for you. You have to do the dreaded task yourself. You don’t need to buy a Moncler coat for your teenager. Or Moose Knuckles. She does not need Golden Goose sneakers. Just no. If you think this will make or break your child’s social life, I have a bridge to sell you. As the brilliant Dave Ramsey says, push your tongue to the roof of your mouth, make a kissing motion with your lips, and blow air out to say ,”No”. The greatest gift you can give your child is to teach them how to live with “no”. Bring “No” back!
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Thank you, Oros BY for building a school where these things are not the focus for the girls. Where girls frown upon or laugh at the obsession with brands.
To the writer, stand strong. Say no. Pick one thing you will splurge on (within budget. If you are taking tzedakah, it’s a chutzpah to buy these things) & say that’s it.
To OP:
Just to clarify:
So you bought the useless $700 item, and the “piece of junk” $180 item, but this issue is EVERYONE ELSES fault?
$700 for a graduation present. That seems excessive for someone who clearly would like to avoid excessive gashmius. I’m not hear to tell you where to put your money but by giving in to one ridiculous request you can be sure to expect more requests of what she sees people have since you agreed that it was important for her to have it since she saw that others did as well. BUT more than “NO” it’s teaching your child to have inner happiness and to find happiness by working on their self worth and what they own and friends by what they offer and not what they have.
I couldn’t agree more. It’s a endless rat race where there are only losers. You forgot to mention the $450 Michelle watch that eeeeeeeveryone has. seriously-what next?? what will her chosson buy her if she’s wearing a $450 watch when she’s 13!?!? This has got to stop!
Maybe we have it all wrong! Children who are satisfied in life don’t need this stuff. But if when we send our girls off to school to learn boy curriculums than all that matters is the girly things….cuz everything else isn’t exciting. At least they found where to feel excited. Make school a feminine place by default. Teach things that matter to girls. They’ll feel better inside and won’t need to make such an external impression. …looking forward to better days
A+++
nah….being feminine is not a priority….way more important to make masculinized ladies by hero-worshipping the “super balbusta”,ladies in the workforce and single girls using weed whackers on their hair.
Then*
What a great mother. This is the best thing I read in months. Hatzlacha on this correct path!
Move out of town!
Sorry but u gave in to the bracelet and sweatshirt. Yes even if u didn’t pay for it.
Once u start u can’t stop
Loser mentality
GOOD POINT.
EVERYONE FEELS GUILTY FOR THEIR CHILD. WHICH KEEPS THE TREND GROWING
This letter is written well by a frustrated mom. Asa mom myself, not originally from Lakewood but living here almost 10 years with a bunch of children in different age ranges and schools have a few points to add…firstly, I enjoy the brands and good stuff but know they don’t bring ultimate happiness and there needs to be a limit based on many factors such as age appropriateness, financial factors and if necessary. Secondly,the fact that every other article on the scoop basically says the same thing..every group from young to old are obsessed with things,fitting in and all good things gasmius. This makes me wonder is there an emptiness everyone is trying to fill??? Things replaced love, stuff replaced time with others?( phones properly the problem here)Funny thing …in my house my kids are less into brands than me…yes,they enjoy but don’t seek the thrill..the difference? I didn’t get love and attention growing up however they are bh getting it!! Lastly in Lakewood, the staring…the need to conform to some standard to be like everyone else (or at least look like you do)is so high pressured that everyone is so afraid to not fit in that they blindly have to buy whatever at any given moment to appease the fears!!! And it changes every second which makes an endless swiping and anxiety.No wonder you can’t get an appointment with a therapist for your child for at least 6 months!! It’s not just saying no…it’s getting off the fear train.Nothing will happen if you don’t buy or do the thing you think you have to…and every time you give in to your own taivah or kids desire ,you strengthen that yatzar hara and endless pit…cuz the high of it is good for a second! But going against the grain,enjoying life and nature within limits feels great..once you go that way and are HAPPY the stuff looks stupid. This town is amazing but people need to chill,learn and enjoy with less stuff….
Thank you very much for this letter. I totally agree with you. It’s INSANE what’s going on.
I am glad I sent to Bnos Basya there is n brand names in that school
I think part of the problem is that the children have lots of free time.
Maybe we can get the children busy with Tehillim with an explanation. They should understand what they are saying. If they say Tehillim and also understand the words, this will definitely help them to mature quickly and focus on what is really important.
I guess those children that have tons of homework, the parents will have to figure out certain times that they have a break from home work like Friday, Shabbos , the summer, Sukos vacation and etc.
I am going to try to say this with the most respectful way as possible.
Look at what you wrote.
You built a beautiful home. Great. How many people in Lakewood can do that??
You send your kids to camp and day camp. Great. How many people in Lakewood can do that??
You do fun things on summer weekends. Great. How many people in Lakewood can do that??
You take a family trip between camp and school year. Great. How many people in Lakewood can do that??
Your kids have summer clubs in the winter on Sunday. Great. How many people in Lakewood can do that??
You bought your daughter a $700 bracelet. Great. How many people in Lakewood can do that??
What I am getting at is, do you know how many people in Lakewood are looking at your family and saying WOW THEY ARE REALLY GOING OVER THE TOP!!! SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY AND HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!!
From the bottom of my heart I am really very happy for you and I wish you and your family only NACHAS and success in your lives, but I think maybe just maybe you are going a bit over the top.
At last! Some sanity! Shkoyach and thank you for this piece!
Lololol! Thankfully the standards are not that high in our circles. My 12th grader wanted a pencil case for 23$, and I could not understand why the 7$ one wasn’t good enough! We did buy her a 50$ small backpack which she says she’ll keep for seminary, and that she has used her 9th grade one for 9, 10 and 11! We her parents) couldn’t understand why she couldn’t use it for another year ;)! We are so confused as to at where to draw the line, as she says all her friends blah blah blah. So, I’m not sure this is about brand names or peer pressure, or older generation vs younger one but it’s def a rift between parents and child, where child wants and wants and sincerely feels it’s a need. (We do make them chip in when they want a brand name skirt, I tell them I’ll pay the amount of the regular skirts and they can pay the rest). But this is an ongoing battle.
But where does it end?? need new shoes, weekday outfits, shabbos outfits, and how many??
We can’t seem to see eye to eye with our daughter (one of them. The other is much more easy going and understanding). My husband thinks giving a child a budget for the season would do the trick. If you want to spend more on your briefcase you’ll have less for shabbos outfits etc. My daughter thinks that we are the most tight fisted parents, as all her friends can get what they want.
Any great advice on the topic would be appreciated .
I agree with you, the standards are terrible. I split with my daughter 50/50 a Lola skirt at $200 a pop (the way to get her to say she doesn’t need it is tell her to pay half-when she agrees to use her hard earned money I know she truly wants it). She told me she was the only one with just one. Really? People are buying their kids multiple $200 skirts that are just used in camp? Have we lost our collective minds?
My friend told me she got her daughter $1500 earrings for graduation bec everyone is wearing diamond studs. Insanity. What is that girls Chosson supposed to buy her?
What will our girls do when they have husbands in kollel? Will they suddenly not need $750 coats?
It starts now and it starts with us, the parents…and yet I have no idea how to start.
So if anyone wants to chime in…
You have a point, but let me say this.
Teenagers nowadays charge $15-$20 an hour babysitting, even if the kids are asleep. High school girls that take a short hairstyling course can charge $50-$75 for a style. They make good money working in backyard day camps. The list goes on. It’s really your parenting style. You can tell your daughter that you’ll pay half and she can pay the other half with her babysitting money. Styles and competition will always be out there whether in school, camp, seminary, weddings and homes. It’s really up to the parents how to guide their children. Speak to a Rav if you need guidance. Send to a school where the focus is not materialistic. Living a high standard quality life is also setting an example for your children. There is a way to deal with it, with the right guidance and ideals. Don’t blame society for your weaknesses in Chinuch.
Very well said! The “brand name” thing is completely out of control and just keeps getting worse. It is never ending and there is ALWAYS something bigger, better and pricier coming up so it’s like being on a hamster wheel and getting nowhere. The more people try to keep up, the more pressure they feel to keep up with the next piece of insanity that comes along. Sadly, though, I don’t foresee a solution anytime soon, as our society is just too broken and misguided. Too many parents are either equally as swept up with the craziness as their kids, too afraid or weak to argue about it, or just don’t know how to say “NO”! So, unless the parents grow up and get their priorities straight, how can we expect anything more of our kids?
My 10th grade daughter does not have a single item mentioned above. She would love it trust me (although she says straight up that it is so shallow). I can’t afford it and don’t get it. BH her group of friends focuses on looking put together in and economical way.
My 12th grader was really never into brands. The one time she wanted something brand name I told her I will put toward it what the item costs at an reg store and she can pay the diff. She did and a week later told me it felt empty and won’t be doing it again. What we show our kids is important is what they will grow up thinking is important. Yes they make look around at the fancy things their friends and neighbours have and think it’s something they need, but, if you show them that gashmius (while of course nice and fun in the short term) doesn’t last and that of course it is important to look nice and bakovidic, however, it can be achieved with regular clothing from local boutiques or department stores. Your children will grow up seeing people around them spend frivolously more and more as they grow up and they need to be taught to live amongst it but not fall prey to the trends or norms.
I should point out that for some children this concept is easier to learn than others. Some children just need more, it’s how they’re born. But it’s really imp to alway live within your means even when “splurging”. To point to what the original writer chose as a gift…A graduation present should be something that is in within your means and sometimes a well thought out personal gift can be cheap or free but mean a lot more to the child!
My kids don’t ask for these things
I believe the only way to buck the trend is to start having girls scorn those who are ostentatious. The school, and the homes, should promote a culture of intolerance toward higher gashmiyus. This can turn the tide and create lower standards. Have the teachers scorn those who need what “everyone else” gets, and have them ask each child independently what they would want.
I think I am going to start doing this with my girls and their friends who hang around us.
I had an incredible teacher in high school.
School shabbaton was a huge pressure for girls to dress up. One teacher, who only taught one class, decided to offer us extra credit to anyone who wore only one outfit the whole Shabbos. Most girls in my class did it that year, and since then, it has become a schoolwide thing.
Remove the pressure and we felt proud that we did something positive for the sake of our friends (and ourselves!)
I hate to say it but by getting her the Tiffany bracelet and aviator nation sweatshirt you starting setting the stage. My daughter actually asked for a Marc Jacobs backpack (it was $100) but INSISTED on paying half because she knew it was ridiculous. We never got her a Tiffany bracelet etc.
wow!!! what a letter and what a great mother!!! I am glad you have the backbone and courage! Keep it up!! We need more mothers like you who aren’t scared of their kids. Such a balanced letter! Would love to meet you!! You sound like your head is screwed on straight!
I can see from the comments that this is a Hot topic. The schools need to have a rule. No Name Brands. 0 % tollerence. Just like they have uniforms. Same idea. Better yet if the school would provide the bookbag.
Adults in this town, look in the mirror. As a rule, kids mimic their parents, if you worship money, what do you want from them?
The gashmiyus in this town is frightening! Look at our history- Hungary 1943- they lived like princes, with opulence to the ceiling,where did it land us?
The adults need to stop the trend, b’eh the kids will fall into line
“oh my G-.. this is insane”, HUH?
“so i kindly offer her to look for…on Amazon”, WHAT?
“as the brilliant Dave Ramsey says”, WHO?
if the letter writer would serve some heimishe hartzige gefeel at home then the family would definitely absorb, process, and follow the example.
excess begins with uninhibited thoughts and unbecoming ideas being expressed and accepted as the norm.
curb the excess in attitude and promote humility in your own self position and young people will see a behavior pattern to grab on to.
that is what the bubbes did, and it worked!
I am sorry but you cannot complain as you buy $700 bracelet
You’re part of the problem
The principles which the letter-writer is standing up for are 100% correct. Let’s be strong and not give in to this brand-name nonsense.
She literally gave in to her daughter.
Buying $1000 worth of unnecessary gifts for an 8th grader is not called standing up for principles.
Just a reminder that materialism is not inborn, it is learned. The question is are they learning it from their parents, from their friends or both.
Not True; Even after a mistake there is room for chinuch:
“Sheva Yipol tzaddick Vkam.”
Yiyush is not good.
The Poster of this etter can speak to a real Torah mechanech and find out how to start setting her home on a path of holding back.
What we need to educate our children to is the middah of Holding back; Not holding back 100% but holding back some:
You want a Sweatshirt? Go buy one without an emblam and mommy will be very proud of you!
You want a watch? lets go buy a good quality watch but it doe snot have to be what every single other person has if the price is unreasonable.
For each an every thing in life there is the 100% version ofthe Gashmius and there is the 67.5% version ofthe Gashmius or even the 95% version of the Gashmius… It not 0% or 100%.
By practicing this we are practicing Tzenius.
Tzenius menad to hide but it doe snot mean to hide completly like some shotim think.
If Tzenius means to hide completely then Avraham would never have seen Sara Imeinu’s reflection while traveling to Mitzrayim because she would have been in a Box from theoutset ofthe journey.
But Tzenius means to HOLD BACK. get a nice tie but hold back some on the tieeither by choosingthe one that has no emblam or choosing another held back version.
“Hatznie’ah Leches Im Elokecha”
Say NO! You’re head is in the sand. Many girls have these things but majority do not. Walk into a classroom and see for yourself. Each persons job is to say NO. Don’t ask her to take a rumpled down briefcase but you can say NO to the one she wants.
OR you can go down the yes path and this will be the easiest stage of your life unfortunately ….
I think that more important than the point of stopping the obsession with expensive and brand name items, is the point the writer emphasized at the end. The problem is that parents are scared to say “NO”. I am a grandparent now and I know that raising children now is different than it was in my parenting days. I realize that for some reason, children have to be treated more gently than we did. I realize it, but I don’t totally understand it. But the fear of saying “NO” has gotten out of hand. Maybe this treating the children more gently has gotten children to the point of not being able to handle any adversity. Of course we want to keep our children happy, but we also want to raise children who will become decent human beings, adults with some backbone, not snowflakes who fall apart when anything doesn’t go their way. Past generations were not so scared to say “NO” to their children. The children didn’t like it one bit, but they didn’t fall apart and it didn’t traumatize them for life. Of course, We should not say “NO” just to teach this lesson. But when the situation calls for it, we shouldn’t be afraid to say “NO.”
It doesnt start in high school . it starts when your kid comes home asking for the $5 toy that EVERYONE has and you dont tell him/her no. And when YOU need to buy or replace ……. because its “not the in thing now”.
The problem is the few parents who like when their kids are dressed in designer and buy them all these things from head to toe. They’re creating the pressure for their kids’ friends and classmates.
everyone likes it just some are not embarrassed to admit it and to show it
Yes everyone likes it. everyone also likes donuts and would love to eat them for breakfast lunch and supper. however the problem only exists with people who actually do.
we were put in this world to overcome our desires.
And the adults don’t have problems?! You say you built yourself a house… I used to live on a very simple block… until the majority of the block all fell into the pressure to build or extend… what happened when we were kids, barely anyone lived in fancy houses. Why now, everyone’s houses are too small for them? I hope I don’t cave as well and feel the need to build. It’s very hard when you are one of the few who didn’t.
we need to go back to a time like in the heim in Europe where people had less and were happy and more heilege in the shtetl everyone had shalom and lived much happier lives.
The letter writer is 100% of the problem! She bought her daughter excessive unnecessary luxuries but wants everyone else to say no to their daughters. I send to one of the above mentioned highschools and my daughters dont have any of those items and dont ask for them. Raise them well and they will choose their friends wisely.
The irony of this letter did not fly over my head. A mother is complaining about materialism but folds when her DD asks for an insanely expensive backpack and sweatshirt.
BS”D
Remember when teenage girls babysat to have money to spend as they pleased?
@David, we all live with the myth that things were so good back in Europe. There were many great things about European life, of course. But even though most people did live with less, they weren’t all happier. In fact, the poverty they lived with was what drove many to emigrate to the USA and elsewhere, where many left Yiddishkeit. The poverty also caused many who remained in Europe to leave Yiddishket to pursue an easier life. As far as what I heard, they did not always live beshalom either. I have a feeling that you know this and that your comment was posted tongue in cheek.
i never said everything was 100% rosy, people went off the derech BECAUSE of their yetzer hora just like today we have a crisis even in lakewood with OTD, because they feel like going to times square is something special, we need to go back to a time of more simpler living.
Very well said. It has nothing to do with brand names and saying no. We have created a culture where there are no longer the haves and have nots. Rather, those who earned it and the those who are gifted it. What started has some well-meaning organizations, has morphed into creating a generation of people who don’t understand that items are purchased with money. There is an organization for everything, the less off you are financially, the more you are given. The upper class can afford it for themselves. It is the middle class who don’t receive any assistance and are paying through the nose for everything who are the ones struggling to navigate this materialistic culture that we have created.
Why don’t you tell your daughter that luxuries should be paid out of her own pocket?
I used to babysit and work in the summers. If I wanted something ‘extra’, I paid for it myself.
The fads when I was in HS 10-15 years ago:
Skagen/Swatch watches ($75-150).
Juicy sweaters which started at $100 but you could get at Marshalls for 40.
Lesportsac bags were stylish and easily accessible for under 100.
I’m not sure where today’s expensive ideas come from.
Why cant all schools enforce strict codes for everything from pony holders to socks. The schools are well within their power to do so. Just make a standardized list for uniforms (already done) to briefcases, satchels, socks, shoes…etc.
This is not coming from someone who cant afford the name brands, just someone who would rather give it to tzedakkah than to feel the pressure of having to keep their daughter from being the “neb” in school. People would give their lives for their children to avoid even perceived embarrassment.
Lets all work together.
B”H my kids didn’t get accepted to these schools. I guess I’m too nebby
I think the schools, where these attitudes are formed and where our girls spend most of their waking hours should take responsibility for this trend and rectify this.
Perhaps an overhaul of the education system is in order that would stop the 40-year trend of academics uber alles
and start focusing on what’s really important and what will help the girls navigate these turbulent times and trends.
Starting with the idea that luxury, over indulgence and over spending isn’t congruent with our values. It’s not hard to buck this trend if our schools will focus on that and inculcate that those with the expensive items are actually just those with low self esteem.
Let the kids start paying for these luxury “necessities” with their own hard earned money. Or at least chip in a significant amount.
If they don’t have money, have them figure out how to earn it, within reason.
This teaches responsibility and would cure a lot of the craziness.
Both my parents both worked and when I went to school I didn’t have what they have today, it’s the parents who do buy their kids and the parent should say NO!!!!