Dear Lakewood Scoop,
I would like to share my observations on why we’re having a Shidduch Crisis, a Yeshiva Crisis, a Traffic Crisis, a Housing Crisis, and now for some reason, a Florida Vacation Crisis. It all boils down to one thing in Lakewood which is unique in the world and does not exist anywhere else. It’s what makes Lakewood uniquely good, and at the same time, is our biggest impediment in these crises. I call it Lakewood Jewish Groupthink. Allow me to explain.
Take any two Jews in Lakewood from any background and put them in a conversation together, face to face. Kiddush Hashem, 100%.
Now, let’s take these two Jews and put one in a minivan on the 9, going 45 MPH, and another one wanting to merge by making a left off a side street. What happens? The one on the side street is talking on their flip phone and knows that there isn’t quite enough room to merge, but they inch their minivan halfway into the road, forcing the first one to stop and let them in, stopping traffic in both directions. Chilul Hashem, and very dangerous, probably some kind of geneivus too if you analyze it.
The traffic is a group, not a group of individual people.
Let’s take the same two, one has a son and one has a daughter, the boy is at the shadchan and girl’s resume is on file. The one with the son takes one look at the resume, sees something superficial they don’t like and asks for another one. Probably not sinas chinam, but doesn’t feel very human, does it?
The son is part of a group, the resume is not an individual, but part of a perceived group.
Again, with these same two people, one is the principal of a Bais Yaakov school, and one has a daughter in 8th grade. The one with the daughter sends in an application for admission, and the principal asks the secretary to send a form letter explaining that their daughter wasn’t admitted, and they wish them the best. Kiddush Hashem? Not so much, but it has to be done, right?
The school is a group, the principal is not an individual, and the applicant seems to be part of another group, not another individual.
Now let’s, take a look at the same two people, the first one is still a principal at the Bais Yaakov and the second one is a real estate developer. The real estate developer purchases a 10 acre parcel of land in the heart of Lakewood right next to the Bais Yaakov. He gets a construction loan to build a 2,000 unit tenement apartment building and then flips the project over to an international investment fund who does not have any stakes in the community. Kiddush Hashem? Doesn’t seem very nice.
The developer is a business, and the school is an institution, they are not individuals.
In all of these examples, let’s be honest and ask ourselves, what would the outcome have been if these individuals had recognized each other from the initial conversation?
What is the common denominator here? Lakewooders are some of the most amazing Jewish people in the world, face to face we will always make a Kiddush Hashem; but whenever there’s some kind of separation between people: an institution, a business, a shadchan, or even the windshield of a minivan, that realization of two holy Yiddish neshamos recognizing each other as brothers and sisters, vanishes.
The phenomenon is good, in the sense that institutions like charity funds, food banks, shuls and kolels mobilize and do massive projects that individuals could not accomplish alone, and they are what created Lakewood in the first place, without regard for who the beneficiaries are as individual people, but that misses the point of what BUILT Lakewood – hundreds of out of town full time learners, united together on a personal level to make it work. What made Lakewood so great, the power of letting go of the self, and connecting with others, needs to adapt to all of the new people attracted to living here as INDIVIDUALS, and not as another competing group.
Just because another Jew looks different than us or has a different minhag or approach to learning doesn’t mean they are incompatible with our families or our institutions. We owe it to ourselves and to them to engage them all as individuals, and not in a cursory way, but invest the time cultivating true friendships with them, especially if we’re forced to exclude or reject them in some way. When we reject individuals because they don’t seem to fit exactly into our group, we lose our individual humanity. We don’t have to do what they do, nor do they have to do what we do to deserve an individual connection with us.
Often times it’s easy to say Tehilim for an abstract person in need, or to donate charity for Shabbos meals, but it’s much more difficult to put down the Tehilim and the wallet and visit them in person, call them on the phone, or invite them to our tables. It’s just as hard to reach out to parents individually and explain why Florida vacations are not ideal or to reach out to the principal and share your feelings on why you feel it is a good idea for your family.
Online comments are just another way to create these barriers without recognizing the connections we have, and miss an opportunity to open a dialog between individuals, as individuals and not groups. This comes at a critical time for k’lal Yisroel where our unity is more important than it has even been since Yetzias Mitzrayim.
A Lakewood Jewish Parent
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Kol haposel b’mumo posel
Calm down, he’s just sharing some food for thought.
Could not have said it any better!
I never read such a smart letter in my life, everything you say here is so to the point! And I’m no guy that agrees to people.
I love the point you make that there’s good parts and bad parts to this phenomenon. Good part- tons of chessed. Bad part- not looking at one another as a individual.
Its just so deep and well said PERIOD.
I’m so mad about Florida vacations and SUVs and restaurants. When R Aharon ztl shteled avek….it was mamish a different matziv…then the New Yorkers came and oy vah voy…the balabatim dont bleib long term anymore…im so busy hating them I can’t love my Kishka like in the 70s…some yidden think BMG is a fish bowl and from what I hear from my eidim one guy wears short sleeves. Reb Zanvil would have walked out. Yehei Zochroi Baruch…pharaoh would never wear PJs kal vchomer emesdik yeshivishe guys smoking reds.
people walk around as if they do not realize that at the guidance level girls and boys when they are young and able to get settled are being misguided by the old mindset which has proven to be actively sidelining girls each passing year, not for a few months but permanently unable to find a pool of boys to choose from…
and everyone is busy “handling” if they should go on vacation!
what about declaring a strike until this gets resolved?
a few decision makers need to review the facts and reset the policies to save a few thousand ehrliche girls from this catastrophic cycle.
this is not some conjecture that this commenter can say this and the next one will shush everyone up with “holy post”, this is very real, too real.
we need to change the way we think and the way we operate. period.
oh, its only the neighbor, and the other one, let’s go back to vacations… no!
speak up! speak out! get things done!
As a father of great girls, who is not a rosh hayeshiva and does not have boatloads of money, you are spot on. The suffering we are causing our bnos yisroel will come back to haunt those responsible for it. Nothing else should be dealt with until this is. The pain is indescribable.
There is an old Yiddish line that accurately sums up our frum klal matzav today.
Es is azoi gut….un es is azoiy night gut!!
Meaning we are booming in every area of yahadus..
Yet each category is in crisis
As a brief example..having hundreds of yungeleit whos chiyus is gemoroh beeyun and wishing to teach torah= shtelle crisis
In 2024 raising a dor of girls who want to “try” a life of long kollel even if don’t fully comprehend the challenge = shidduch crisis
Wonderfully well written and very true on many levels but not to confuse things the Shidduch catastrophe has nothing to do with interpersonal relationships but rather an uneven amount of boys and girls brought on by boys marrying girls much younger than them and until the grassroots stands up and demands change in the yeshiva system nothing can change. Unfortunately it seems clear at this point that waiting for change to come internally from institutions is not the fastest path to a solution. Boys must begin dating earlier and the system must change to accommodate this in a real way. I fondly remember a choshuva mashgiach refusing to allow any schools to open until every girl was accepted. We need that same type of leadership in this parsha.
Everything boils down to bein adam l’chavero, even the shidduch crisis.
florida crisis? just because some schools want to outfrum other schools doesnt make it a crisis. out of towners, who have some backbone, dont have such issues. why are we not raising our kids to have some backbone.
let’s see you all go around the system and get your sons to start dating before the “midwinter thaw”… let’s see them get engaged before Tu B’Shvat!
Mazel Tov!
Yes! Since the the post Holocaust generation every young new generation has it harder and harder with everything; everything is now priced through the sky; everything is a shortage and everything is a hardship; who knows what will be; all that we can do is pray. I can’t look at people my age whom retire and move away to Florida or Israel etc ; I will אי״ה continue to work and support and be here for my children and grandchildren until my last breath.
Most confusing letter i ever read
well said the truth prevails long live lakewood!!
Bottom line is that everyone wants to me a millionaire (including myself)
The olum just has to grow up take a chill and enjoy life