Letter: Shidduch Crisis 2.0

Dear TLS and Readers,

First, thank you TLS for amazing content, updates, alerts, and for giving the lakewood community a platform to speak their minds and concerns.

Lately, I’ve been seeing the same letter in different versions with the title “Shidduch Crisis”.

I don’t understand. What makes anyone think that there’s a shidduch crisis in this day and age? There has ALWAYS been a shidduch crisis and that’s why it says “Kashe zivugo shel adam ke’krias yam suf”. A person’s ability to find a shidduch is as “hard” as the splitting of the sea. The Mefarshim ask: Was the splitting of the sea hard for Hashem? It can’t possibly be, as nothing is hard for Hashem to do. Same thing with shidduchim, if a person believes that just as it wasn’t hard for Hashem to split the sea for the Jewish nation to cross through, so too, it isn’t hard for Him to find you a shidduch. It’s all about perspective, and that perspective is called Emunah.

Next time you face ANY crisis, remember, the only solution to that is connecting to Hashem, by simply believing in Him that He can do ANYTHING! No matter the obstacles or situation at hand.

Hashem loves us all, and takes care of us so well, the least we can do is recognize His greatness and strength, and thank Him instead of crying about a crisis.

Together we’ll strengthen in Emunah! That’s our neshek against the shidduch crisis and all possible crises there are.

Thank you for reading my letter!

From a person that once had a thousand crises and learned that Emunah can wipe them all out.

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  1. Nice letter, and you may be correct that on the individual level the answer to the crisis is אמונה. However on the communal level we must not be אכזריים and ignore the fact that this has nothing to do with the words of חז”ל that קשה זווגים וגו because in OUR community we don’t find too many older single boys, but לדאבוננו there are tons of older single girls. There is a practical reason for that which has been brought out already many times. אמונה on someone else’s חשבון is אכזריות. The Kotzker used to say that when someone ELSE needs help, you should be an “אפיקורס “

  2. When someone comes collecting don’t give him any money tell him hashem is going to help him. As they say from I don’t remember who maybe r Avigdor Miller zl that when someone comes collecting don’t say that but give him money. Either way we need more Shadchanim and ones with heart and feelings I’m trying to make a new SHIDUCH org myself send your resume to [email protected]

  3. This is valid from an personal perspective but as a community we are responsible for each other and telling someone else that’s struggling you just need to have a Emuna and it will all work out without trying to help is a midas Achzoryus! I know of many families where there are not 1 but 3 single girls in the twenties and thirties that wait years for suggestions! Good people!

    The age gap is real BH more kids are born every year. As long as that issue is not going o be confronted the crisis will persist.

  4. People not understanding that Hashem wants us to make hishtadlus. You are a great baal emunah and that is ver special, but that is your cheshbon. The kotzker says that when it comes to someone else’s troubles, don’t be a Baal Emunah on his chechbon.
    The question we need to answer is, what have we done to help make a shidduch. It is very apropos that Tu B’av comes right after 9 B’av. Chazal say that a generation that the Bais Hamikdash wasn’t rebuilt in, it is as if it was destroyed in that generation. The Gemara tells us, that when a couple gets married, it is K’ilu Bono Eched M’chorvos Yerushalayim. We can all have a part in this. All you need to do is try. If everyone would try try try to redt a shidduch, that is all we can do.
    May this zechus of helping build Batim Neemonim in Klal Yisroel be a zchus to klal yisroel to see the rebuilding of the Bais Hamikdash speedily in our days.

  5. getting married early and doing ratzon Hashem can help prevent someone from falling into this crisis- just like being honest can help someone avoid going to jail even though with bitachon he can get out of there- so too by doing what Hashem wants which is to get married can help avoid this crisis entirely, along with many other crises which may come along the path of anyone who is delaying his responsibilities and postponing his opportunities

    • The letter writer is Beyond wrong. The age disparity has statistically proven to be the biggest factor, and this age gap simply did not exist like this 30 Years ago. I really fail to see how people can be so naive to ignore this simple cold hard fact

  6. I find your letter very insensitive to those who are truly trapped in the shidduch crisis. Work on creating a solution instead of claiming a crisis does not exist. Please do not quote a midrash or posuk with a non exact translation to support your opinion. There have been many before who explained based on numbers and other factors why the litvish have this shidduch crisis for the girls.

  7. We need more Shadchanim and more hadracha on when to be picky and when to give up that whole list and say it’s just time. I know there are quite a few older boys in bmg and you can come with a magnifying glass and find issues with all of them but you can also see the great potential family’s that they can build there just isn’t anyone willing to talk to them. And if a boy has a beard he won’t even be looked at. We need more people involved.

  8. I heard a Ruv say the issue causing the Shidduch Crisis is Sheitels. Many Rabbonim have paskened the fancy natural (long) Sheitels of today are Assur. So Hashem prevents Shiduchim to keep women from sinning as a married woman. If every woman undertook the strictest level of tznius the Shidduch Crisis would disappear.

    • In E.Y. the Litvishe have the same nisoyon with sheitels & there’s no shidduch crisis. They also marry closer in age there. A person can fall into much worse sin by not getting married than the “sin” of wearing a sheitel. If evry woman undertook the strictest level of tznius & every man undertook the strictest level of learning Torah maybe Moshiach will come & solve all our problems. In the meantime, let’s address the source of the shidduch crisis as we can see.

  9. SHEKER!!
    I thought it was smart phones!!
    Nobody wants a boy with a smart phone!!
    My Rebbi used to say:, “Saychel is a tayerer zach”. How right he is.

  10. The solution is extremely simple and even the mathematically challenged are starting to understand. Dont be frum on other peoples cheshbon. Instead begin dating closer to the time the torah tells you to and things will change.

  11. One of the effects of galus is difficulty finding a shidduch. I believe one of the Nevi’im prophesized that in the future there will be girls crying in the streets, and a meforash explains that they will be crying because they can’t find a shidduch.
    I don’t remember the source or exact words, but that is the gist of what it said.

  12. Rab Elchonon quotes Rav Chaim Of Volozin who explained the Chazal describing the period before Yemos Hamoshiach. The final Maamar is “Ain Lonue Lihishoain Rak Al Avinu Shebashomayim”. Rav Chaim Said, this is the worst & final Kelalah in Ikvesah Dimishicha, people will throw up their hands & say there’s nothing we can do, just leave it up to Hashem.
    Bitochon is a wonderful thing but it’s being used as the answer to every societal problem, even those problems we cause ourselves.
    The shidduch CRISIS doesn’t exist in E.Y., despite the fact that they have less money than us & marrying ofs a child is very expensive there. The same is true by the Chassidim, no crisis going on.
    Only by the Yeshivish/Litvish in Chutz L’aretz is it happening. Only we have a gap of 3 years between the age of the boys & girls entering shidduchim.
    There’s no other plausable explanation offered otherwise.
    What can be done?
    Any bochur learning in a Litvish yeshiva should be offered a sizeable sum if he begins dating by early 21. I believe that at some point, money will motivate people to begin dating earlier.
    Rav Chaim Kaniyevski urged all bochurim to begin dating by 20, surely age 21 isn’t too early.
    Bitochon applies after you did the proper hishtadlus, not doing your hishtadlus & blamin g it on bitochon is the biggest klalah according to Rav Chaim Voloziner Zatz’l. Let’s wake up & start doing something, not just offering chizuk.

  13. There is a recording of Reb Elya Ber being asked about this. His answer is that it is irresponsible to mention Emuna, Hashem and Bitachon when we have a problem and its solution in front of us.

    Many Gedolim have been quoted with the same vort. Every midah is needed in this world, we need to show anger at Resha’im. When do we need the midah of apikorsus? When it comes to ‘yenem’. For yenem, we stop using Hashem’s name and we make sure to do everything that yenem needs.

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